Tuesday, September 6, 2011

 A process of refinement



There is so much that I want to write.

Like how God is changing my heart.

How that can be scary and exhilarating.

How we feel the winds of change rustling in our hearts - a significant desire to drop temporal and earthly priorities.

There is a passion arising in this family to live in such a way that our focus would be on what lasts and what truly matters...

...more than it is now.


What that looks like, in a practical sense, is still blurry and undefined at the present time.

What we do know is that God is working in our lives.

He is continuing a process of refinement - and as you all know that can be painful while still being one of the most incredible processes you will ever be a part of.

Stretching and growing.

Seeking and surrendering.

There are transitions coming for our family, I am sure of that. We are already in the midst of some.

Today was the first day of school and there were new rooms,

new teachers,

new classmates,

Alot of new and a little bit of uncertainty.


But I feel that there will be more.

Shifting and adjusting and changing.

Aren't we constantly in transition in this life?

Some of these changes will simply take place in our hearts and minds.

Each choice, each step, every response and decision....

Not for us. Not for the here and now. But for something bigger and forever.

And some of the changes will be outward. We are seeking Him on so many levels to determine what some of these stirrings in our hearts mean.

This is what is ruminating in my mind.

Stirrings in their infancy are hard to flesh out and articulate. So, alot of this is very vague, I realize that. But, since I write to process - this is where it's at. *smile*

Over and over and over in the past 8 months or so I have grappled with the feeling of things shifting.

I have tried to pry my own fingers from this death grip on all that I find security in.

I have found security in earthly things for so long that I am nearly a professional at it.

Homes.

People.

Jobs.

Money.

Insurance.

Bank accounts
(technically the same as money, but I find so much security in this that it's worth being twice on the list).

What happens when houses aren't there any more?

What about when people get really sick?

Death?

A declining economy?

Job uncertainty?


Do you know those feelings?

It can be terrifying.

Those are the kinds of things that shake me to the core.


I have wanted (more than I can express, as well as more than I care to admit) to be able to arrange my life nicely around those things.

Around the people who I love

In the house that is home

with the predictable job

bringing in the counted on money

with the benefits of insurance.



Are these things bad?

Not in the least!

They are blessings of the most abundant kind.

But.... (surely you could feel that "but" coming...)

Should we place our security on them?

Should we prioritize around them?

Should we feel devastation if one of them shifts?


I do friends.

I do.


The pit of my stomach churns wildly when the pay check isn't as expected.

Or I hear rumor that insurance rates may go up... or change completely.

Or a relationship drifts.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer. And they hold a fortified position in my, mentally conjured up, security perfection.


How often I have played the game of "If I pretend this isn't happening, then it won't.
I just won't think about it. That's it! I'll think about something else and everything will be fine."  Laughable really.

Control Freak meets Insecurity and breeds into Fantasy Expectations and Perfectionism is a bad, bad combination.

Bad, bad, bad *shudder*.

Gosh, I'm guessing this entire post will be a bunch of rattling on nonesense to those who read. Sometimes I tend to forget that this place isn't just me, writing to process for...me. :)

But, this little entry in my corner of the internet has been helpful to me as I try to clarify the thoughts that are swirling.

I am so glad that I do have a constant. I am trying to pry my fingers off from the temporal and seal them onto the constant and eternal.

Welcome to the process.

10 comments:

Julie said...

My oh my... I read your blog often and comment never....sorry! But you keep writing like you read my mind! You however are much better at writing than I.
Thanks for your post(s)! I need that reminder {constantly} of the one constant in my life!

Sarah said...

They rock me to the core too Wendy...even the "pay check amount being different" part.

I get it.

Praying peace in the process... :)

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

I get it. I love you. Praying with you about the changes coming in our lives.

Andrea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrea said...

Love this, love your heart process in it and can relate to all the questions and sentiments on security (especially home and paychecks!) on such a deep level. Thanks for sharing your 'rambling' thoughts (which I think are beautiful!) :)

Jackie@Our Moments, Our Memories said...

Yes, yes, yes, yes...& yes. I so get this. And sometimes...I feel like I don't know HOW to change, HOW to get my mind to the place where my faith isn't in these earthly things, where I am not shaken when things shift and are out of my control. Hard stuff!

Thank you for sharing your process - because I think you are helping a lot of people through theirs. :)

Sara@TCme said...

Hmmm, this is deep.
I used to be a control freak, I want to be a control freak, I love to control the freak, but alas This freak is not in control, God is and that's just plan freaky.
Example: Cox family has a house, a job that pays the bills, not quite as much as the bills are, tithe what the can but wish it was more. Cox family gets letter from bank, forclosure on house. Cox family short sells house, banks excepts. Cox family has no.place.to.go. Talk about your freaky situation, then add the job loss. No home, no money coming in...FREAK OUT!
I spent nearly every waking moment turning my thoughts back to God, I was such a mess I couldn't even get prayers out, it was one word; God. And then He had to fill in the blank because I couldn't function in thoughts, they would go to worry. The house part got figured out in such a freakishly planned way, that worry no longer troubles me on the money /job part. I am trying to ENJOY the SPACE of change. Our life is topsy-turvey and even though I get motion sickness easily I am trying to enjoy the space, because you are right: there is something we are doing that isn't just here and now and earthly, it's for eternity. Excellent post Wendi!

Nikki said...

Yet again, Wendi, you have so poignanty articulated exactly what goes on in my heart + mind so many times as I cling to control and "what is known" instead of Jesus and the certainty of His Love in the midst of the unknowns He's leading me into. I'm so glad that part of your processing is this blog and that you share it with us!

Jenn said...

Wendi, I think every single person can relate to this! I have tried so often to control my life and even the lives of my children. Really, not a good thing to do! Over the past couple of years I have been learning to give it all to Jesus. Not always easy, but oh, so necessary!

Melody said...

Awesome post! I am at the exact.same.place. I tried to write a post about it today, but the words just wouldn't come. You put it so well : - )