A process of refinement

There is so much that I want to write.

Like how God is changing my heart.

How that can be scary and exhilarating.

How we feel the winds of change rustling in our hearts - a significant desire to drop temporal and earthly priorities.

There is a passion arising in this family to live in such a way that our focus would be on what lasts and what truly matters...

...more than it is now.

What that looks like, in a practical sense, is still blurry and undefined at the present time.

What we do know is that God is working in our lives.

He is continuing a process of refinement - and as you all know that can be painful while still being one of the most incredible processes you will ever be a part of.

Stretching and growing.

Seeking and surrendering.

There are transitions coming for our family, I am sure of that. We are already in the midst of some.

Today was the first day of school and there were new rooms,

new teachers,

new classmates,

Alot of new and a little bit of uncertainty.

But I feel that there will be more.

Shifting and adjusting and changing.

Aren't we constantly in transition in this life?

Some of these changes will simply take place in our hearts and minds.

Each choice, each step, every response and decision....

Not for us. Not for the here and now. But for something bigger and forever.

And some of the changes will be outward. We are seeking Him on so many levels to determine what some of these stirrings in our hearts mean.

This is what is ruminating in my mind.

Stirrings in their infancy are hard to flesh out and articulate. So, alot of this is very vague, I realize that. But, since I write to process - this is where it's at. *smile*

Over and over and over in the past 8 months or so I have grappled with the feeling of things shifting.

I have tried to pry my own fingers from this death grip on all that I find security in.

I have found security in earthly things for so long that I am nearly a professional at it.

Homes.

People.

Jobs.

Money.

Insurance.

Bank accounts

(technically the same as money, but I find so much security in this that it's worth being twice on the list).

What happens when houses aren't there any more?

What about when people get really sick?

Death?

A declining economy?

Job uncertainty?

Do you know those feelings?

It can be terrifying.

Those are the kinds of things that shake me to the core.

I have wanted (more than I can express, as well as more than I care to admit) to be able to arrange my life nicely around those things.

Around the people who I love

In the house that is home

with the predictable job

bringing in the counted on money

with the benefits of insurance.

Are these things bad?

Not in the least!

They are blessings of the most abundant kind.

But.... (surely you could feel that "but" coming...)

Should we place our security on them?

Should we prioritize around them?

Should we feel devastation if one of them shifts?

I do friends.

I do.

The pit of my stomach churns wildly when the pay check isn't as expected.

Or I hear rumor that insurance rates may go up... or change completely.

Or a relationship drifts.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer. And they hold a fortified position in my, mentally conjured up, security perfection.

How often I have played the game of "If I pretend this isn't happening, then it won't.

I just won't think about it. That's it! I'll think about something else and everything will be fine."  Laughable really.

Control Freak meets Insecurity and breeds into Fantasy Expectations and Perfectionism is a bad, bad combination.

Bad, bad, bad *shudder*.

Gosh, I'm guessing this entire post will be a bunch of rattling on nonesense to those who read. Sometimes I tend to forget that this place isn't just me, writing to process for...me. :)

But, this little entry in my corner of the internet has been helpful to me as I try to clarify the thoughts that are swirling.

I am so glad that I do have a constant. I am trying to pry my fingers off from the temporal and seal them onto the constant and eternal.

Welcome to the process.