Wednesday, August 10, 2011

 I'm not living the life I planned...

When I saw this quote the other day I felt, just for a second, like the wind had been pushed from my lungs.

So many scenarios played out in that "projector in my head" thing.

Flashes of little girls playing dress up in a neatly organized  {finished} home... (grins)

Scenes playing out of healthy twin boys...

And you know... a white picket fence... and all that jaz.

Not stacks of youth sized diapers.

Not so many miles between me and my family.

Not a tiny grave a few miles away with a part of my heart buried deep inside.

Not this... not that...

Oh but what I would miss if I made the plans.

My heart aches when I think of the "perfect plan" for my life.

The ones I made up.

The ones I have dreamed of since I was a little girl.

And that ache comes not from longing, but from a thankful heart that sees through hopes and dreams to being so glad that sometimes we do not get what we ask for.

Can I be really honest?

{why yes you can self} {thank you self}

Those dreams - the ones we all have when we are young and imagine our futures? - Some of mine don't even really resemble my reality.

Some parts do, for sure. The man standing beside me and doing life along with me is pretty darn close to those little girl hopes and wishes.  But even that... even parts of who he is have taken me by surprise...  and proved difficult to process {gosh, he's... human???!}. 

This isn't a rant. 

Or complaint. 

Or "I am not pleased with my life".  

Goodness no.

This is a "we all have realities that we need to come to terms with".

There are things that you are identifying right this minute that are the farthest thing from a white picket fence...

It could be a move to a far away city.

Or being childless.

Or having kids and finding out it isn't at all what you thought it would be.

An addiction.

Shattered dreams of Cinderellas castle.... a happily ever after torn apart.

Special needs.

A chronic illness.

Finances in disarray.

In laws who don't "get" you at all.


Feeling deserted by friends.

- Even just in the mundane... mowing grass, cutting coupons, diffusing fights {over and over and over} - where's the glamor?

Why aren't we gazing into eachother's eyes and getting butterflies...?

You know that feeling.... "Wait, I imagined this going so differently. Wait. Wait..."

-And you desperately grasp at what's left of that "life we've planned".

We could do that; grasp at those threads of fantasy {I've done it}.


We can open our eyes wide to reality. 

Look to the heavens {tell him of the chasm between your expectation and reality. He cares deeply. Yell if you need to. He can handle it}.

Open your arms.

And *have* the life that is waiting for you.

It is waiting.

Live it.

Live it with tears, and with pain.

Grieve what you need to.

But make sure that you are living it.

Live it with joy and dancing.

Engage in it {that means you *will* be getting dirty}.

Because fabricating a reality stuck in the "life you had planned" is holding you back {it holds me back alot}.
God has something better for you.

Some days it will not feel better. It will feel oh-so-hard... 

But hang in there. 

It's better.

Guess what I would have missed if I would have hid in my expectations?

Seeing miracles. Everyday.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New Living Translation (NLT)
 8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
      “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      so my ways are higher than your ways
      and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

*Don't forget to enter my giveaway for the book "Seasons"! This giveaway will be open until this Sunday night, August 14th. I will announce the winner Monday morning!


Anne Elizabeth said...

Wow! Cried my way through this post. Glad you wrote this today. Needed to hear it more than I can put into words right now.

Jenn said...

Yes! Grasping my reality today and thanking God for each and everything that he has given me and allowed into my life, the good, the difficult and every uncertainty.

Penny said...

I love that verse. I've had to learn to depend on God a lot this year, and I relied a lot on that verse this summer.

Hayley said...

Favorite line: "Some of those dreams. . . don't even resemble my reality."

True, true, true my friend.

But seeping through the cracks in those dreams. . . light and joy and hope shining out of you.

Love ya.

Dana Dawn Calverette said...

Beautiful post. Thank you.
Dana @Calverette Chronicles

Melody said...

Great post! These are things that God had been whispering to my heart these past few days. How timely. Thanks for the reminder : - )

Manda (+2) said...

Amen. and thank you. much needed words today!

Nikki said...

Great true, and something that has been on my heart a lot lately. Actually, it's often on my heart because I am a perpetual grasping-after-dreams kind of gal, but I love how succinctly you put words to these emotions.

Katarina said...

Thank you. For your wisdom, for you honesty, for sharing your heart.

BARBIE said...

I had planned to own a home that one day would be passed on to our children. But we had to short sale this year due to hubby's unemployment, among other things. We are learning to dance and rejoice. God is still good! Thank you for your beautiful post.

Cheryl said...

This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

Joy Abbott @ Insane4Indo said...

Thanks for sharing and being so real. It makes me think of the song Blessings by Laura Story. I just heard if for the first time last Sunday!!

Kristen said...

Oh gosh Wendi, this is exactly where I am at right now. I could lift these words right up as my own. I enjoy your talent in writing. It meets my heart so many times.

My husband is going to be starting a new job in a couple of weeks. We're putting our house on the market and when it sells we'll be moving...our 8th move since we got married almost 7 1/2 years ago. This adult thing and marriage, not nearly as glamorous and easy as I thought it would be (laughing at myself for ever thinking once that it would be). But in it all lies treasures, 1000 gifts to be counted and seen if only we will open our eyes. I've gotta remember that and live it!

Thanks for these sweet words today. I appreciate them.

Susan said...

"Death...Feeling deserted by friends"

So much of what you wrote here resonated deeply with thoughts and feelings, and situations going on currently that I've been struggling to piece together into something I can understand. Your post brought me a little closer to understanding...


Thank you :)

Leslie J. Payne said...

Wendi, this hit the spot today. I never dreamed I'd be in my 40's when I married, childless, living with chronic pain. And yet I couldn't have dreamed as big as God did...amazing husband, traveling the world and writing. He is so good to us.

Anonymous said...

I hope you don't mind me reading your blog...I happened across it some time ago. It means so much to me.