Wednesday, May 11, 2011

 Soft

So there's this thing... it's kind of strange, but not necessarily unexpected.

It's happened before - when alot is going on.

In my heart, in my emotions.

When I am in this surreal place of feeling suspended between the realities of my day to day life and the movement of change


I can't write.

You know me -


She writes to process


She writes to worship


She writes to tell a story


She writes to remember


She writes to grieve


She writes to rejoice...

She who does all that...can't write right now.

I will. -I just know that at some point the words will come rushing in every direction and likely not dry up... until next time.

But in the mean time,

I am learning what it means to pray in a wrestling-with-darkness kind of a way.

I am learning what it means to invest in the lives of people I care about - and then give all I have invested to God.

I am finding myself holding my breath while I enter into a very, very hard month full of difficult milestones and memories for another dear family who I care deeply about.

And in the midst of all that is stretching me right now,

I am engaging in 8 days of Spiritual awakening at our church.

Solid Biblical teaching and worship.

Two hours every night,

Two hours of teaching, specifically geared towards woman, Tuesday and Thursday morning,

Four hours last Sunday, this Saturday, and this coming up Sunday,


I have to be honest here - I am feeling drained

-exhausted mentally and emotionally.

I keep telling God to just let me process all that is going on - to give me a breather to stop and try to bolster up some kind of protection around my heart.

Because it feels all vulnerable and soft.

It feels exposed.

I wanted to enter this week of revival rested,

fresh,

ready (my definition of ready).


Instead I entered it empty,

after sleepless nights,

in the midst of a spiritual battle.


And even as I was saying,

"God, let me recover first,

I want to do this, I want to invite you to awaken my heart and seek you with all that I am,

But all that I am is just so little right now.

So soft,

so vulnerable,

not ready.

Give me some time..."


Isn't that how we are?


God knows that's how I am.

And I can just see his smile... "Wendi, Wendi, Wendi."

Where I see weakness and exhaustion

He sees brokenness and a spirit ready to receive.

Where I see vulnerability, and label it bad,

He sees a lowering of pretense, and calls it good.

He sees tender,

moldability,

losing my strength to find His.

And even in my desperate pleas for a break; a minute to gather myself.

He says,

"I have you right where I want you".

7 comments:

Jodie | Velour said...

I so get this. I mean, why ya think Jabberjaw's been so quiet lately? :) Some things are just meant to be personal -- at least for a season, and then there's the release to tell about it. I'm not at the release point yet.

I know and understand (and hate) being pushed into something I don't feel ready for. I haven't learned to love it, or embrace it, or just be content with it... and it has been with me my entire adult life. I need almost constant reassurance that I'm not in this place because of failure -- that I'm here because it's what he purposed for me for this moment. That brings freedom for me, until the next time i can't breathe again. But I hang on, and cling and try to nestle more and wrestle less -- because I know that he IS changing me. He IS... and that he himself sets the pace for my growth. So if he can love me AS I AM, even while he's changing me, what I'd really love is to learn how to love me, too. Right along side him, so that I can enjoy more of - everything really. I need to stop trying to "arrive" somewhere, and instead, just, as Ann Voskamp says, "dare to live fully right where I am". God help me.

Great post - beautifully written. And ya obviously got my wheels turning. :) Have a good day, love. xo

Katarina said...

Praying for you. Praying that God takes this moment in time and causes you to fall to your knees in awe at what He alone is capable of doing when we feel most un-ready.
It's not easy, but my friend, it is glorious to watch Him work.

Amy@My Front Porch said...

You said it better than I could.
"When I am weak, then I am strong for Your power is perfected in my weakness."

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

Love you. God is changing us. He is Victorious!

Penny said...

Heart this blog. It really says so much to me.

Leslie J. Payne said...

Hi Wendi,
My name is Leslie and I just stumbled upon your blog. I think Jesus stuck out His foot so I'd trip and land right here. :0)

Today I am totaly exhausted and stuggling with pain throughout my body. Your blog was the gentle, reassurance I needed.

I look forward reading more of your posts in the future.

Thanks,
God bless & hope you visit my page some time.
Leslie

Nikki said...

It's breathtaking, Wendi, how you so clearly describe this process, even when you feel you have no words. I know just what you mean.