Wednesday, January 19, 2011

 This being a mom... it's big

Our three day weekend ended up being extended to four. Yesterday there was some melting of snow and ice, and then some refreezing, and as a precaution our school district canceled school.

It was okay by me. And it was more than okay by two little boys who love nothing more than to spend the day in jammies, pretend, create, and chill out.

It was during our nap time yesterday (this is when the baby sleeps, the 4 year old thinks of every excuse he can to come out of his bed room so he doesn't fall asleep, and the 5 and 8 year old have crazy noisy "quiet time") that I had one of those "what am I doing, pretending that I know how to be a mom?!" moments. Ever have one of those?


Yeah, it can be kind of intimidating.

Jay was actually engaging in a rare restful moment. K was watching a movie, and I was doing some Bible study. Jay looked up at me from his comfy pile of blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags strewn all over the floor (we take nap time however we can get it around here!) and started firing questions faster than I could gather my thoughts. They weren't "How do birds fly" and "where does the snow come from" type of questions either. These were very well thought out and insightful.

Most of his questions were of a spiritual nature. Inquiring about those who choose not to believe in Jesus. Asking about what happens when we die... and when they die. I could see gears turning and puzzle pieces dropping into place in his mind, building upon what he has been learning.

This thing, this being a parent, it is big.

All afternoon I felt my mind being drawn to prayer - just asking over and over that I get it right. The way he was looking at me, the intensity of his blue eyes, it felt weighty to me.

I feel like asking "who am I to have all of these small people looking to me for direction?! I don't have all of the answers, - some days I feel like I, personally, have more questions than answers!"

Some days I don't want the responsibility of it all. I am a lump of selfish clay and I often feel myself wishing to  shrug off the accountability and authority that goes with this position.


But then I am reminded...

that this lump of clay has had  the breath of life infused into it

that I am working in cooperation with the One who intricately created these small people who look to me for their truth

that all I have to do is ask, out of a humble heart, and the right words will be there.

This is so big, isn't it? 

8 comments:

Lindsay said...

HUGE!! Thanks for the reminder ~

Katarina said...

SO SO big! Thankful for a God who uses our weakest, stammering words to grow up seeds in their hearts.

arlona said...

So thankful that Jacob has a mom and dad who can go to the One Who has The Answers to his questions. It will be interesting to see what God is going to do with Jay's life. What a privilege you have as his mom. Wonder what Jesus' mother felt when He knew the answers and she did not even know the questions!

Megan said...

I've been receiving these questions a lot lately. Especially in the nature of Savannah's passing.

It's not just being a mommy. It's being a "faith guiding" mommy, that makes it even bigger! :)

Charlie and Manda said...

Amen

The Sneaky Mommy said...

So awesome to be able to share the HOPE we have through Jesus Christ--the rescuer of sinners! What a tender-hearted little man!

une autre mère said...

We've been having these same questions arise with Addie recently. And I too am afraid I'm going to say something wrong or not explain it quite right. It IS a HUGE responsibility and I just pray that Gid will work through me despite my enormous shortcomings.

Hayley said...

This is so true, Wendi. . . so often I am that "lump of selfish clay."

Thanks for the challenge.