I thought if I lived through colic I could live through anything...

He's five and the speed at which he is

learning,

     discovering,

              realizing,

                                ...is just phenomenal.

I can hardly keep up.

Some is so good and just leaves me speechless.

The kind of speechless that sees my efforts of mothering him (oh-so-feeble at times) being encompassed, enlightened, and lifted up by bigger hands. God takes my mediocre and somehow makes it work.

I was doing laundry on Tuesday night down in our dungeon of a basement (hey, it can't all be as pretty as the backyard...).  I heard a little boy come traipsing down the stairs (they don't really walk right now, they tend to stomp, run, or traipse) and hop up onto a little step stool that sits next to my washing machine. Once I knew which little it was that had traipsed into my underground laundry center I knew that questions would soon begin firing at me at the speed of light.

But of course, they do like to keep me guessing! This time many noisy questions was not the reason for his basement visit.

His voice was quiet and there was a certain mature tone that I couldn't ignore. This particular day had not been the best we had ever had in terms of Jay's attitude. He seemed overly tired and I felt like most of my interactions with him through out the day were repetitious and disciplinary. Those kinds of days are hard for me and pretty much exhausting for everyone.

"Mom?"

That mature tone gives me an emotion I can't quite identify. Nervous? New? Different? And therefore quite unknown and... scary?

"What's up buddy?"

"Well, I had an okay day. I had a good supper, so my tummy shouldn't feel yucky. But I'm not feeling good. I don't like the way I am feeling."

I asked him if something hurt and all of that motherly stuff. He said his body felt fine. But it was something else.

"I took that... that toy... away from Kai. And...

Well, I know I shouldn't have yelled at you. I KNOW that, but I did and I could try to do it again with out yelling at you, but I think I can't because I already did."

His eyes actually looked a little bit moist. All laundry duties ceased for the moment. Because my heart told me that this moment was pretty much bigger than dirty laundry.

"I don't want to feel this way mom. What is it, why do I feel so... bad? Can you make it go away?"

Wow. For real, wow.

At first I didn't say anything I just looked at him in all of his new-to-me maturity.

*Sigh* When did all of that baby chub in his face turn to slim angles? When did that seeking look in his eye turn to such a knowing look?

Okay. Deep breath.

Colic with him was hard when he was an infant. Like, am I going to live through this? Will I ever get sleep again? -Hard. But looking back I see that colic was nothing compared to some of the new stages we are going into. Certainly not as physically exhausting or sanity stealing, but the issues we will be dealing with as these precious guys grow up... let's just say they are so not colic.

"Remember when you asked Jesus to forgive your sins and live in your heart?"

"Mmm-hmm

"Well, he's talking to your heart right now Jay. He's talking right to you. Just for you. It feels yucky right now, but when you do what he is hoping you will do, you are going to feel so much better. So free.

No, you can not go back and re-do the bad behavior from today. You made Kai very sad when you were not kind to him. Mommy was pretty sad today too. You feel bad because that is not the way you really want to act buddy. You know you can do better. You can tell me and baby you are sorry, you can tell God you are sorry, you can remember how bad it feels to act that way, and do better next time. You can do this Jay, because Jesus lives in your heart."

"Okay."

"Jesus talks to mommy's heart ALOT. A L O T! Sometimes mommy does the right thing... sometimes she doesn't. But I really, really know that oh-so-icky feeling."

"Does your tummy hurt sometimes too -even when you've had a healthy supper??"

"Yep."

So now I add another thing to the many wonders of this world I have observed; conviction in the heart of a five year old.

That part is truly sweet to see.

Part of the heart break of his growing up is the realizations hitting him that his world is not the secure place he thought it was. To watch this dawn on him, and see his innocence slipping away has been really sad.

Suddenly the little boy who went to bed fairly well every night (other then the one million ways he could think of to stall - like all normal littles do at some time or another) is facing a fear at night that is very real and very difficult for him to overcome. I realized right away, when this began a few weeks back, that he was not simply stalling because he didn't want to go to bed. He is truly fearful.

He gets up several times at night trembling violently and crying quietly. "I'm scared mom, I'm scared, I'm so scared!"

As a mom I just want so badly to take the fear from him. So much. We have talked about our protection of him, Jesus' protection of him, practical things, like the fact that all of our doors are locked and that we are safe.

I can not believe how deeply his mind has gone into all of the scenarios of what could happen. Like what if bad guys come and they have saws and can get through the locked doors... and what if wasps and really bad bugs get in when we open the door and they go hide in his room...

Breaks my heart.

Partly because I know fear. I know it can be immobilizing. I know it has no place in a heart where Jesus dwells, yet my heart certainly has its share. And part of me worries that perhaps I did something to somehow impart my own fear to this precious person.

Man do I love this kid.

 I love him so much that I am challenged to conquer fears in my life and model what it looks like to trust and live freely.

Somewhere between age four and age five  some heavy and harsh realities have entered the world of my Jay. And I can't lie to him. I can't say, "No honey, none of those scenarios that your over active imagination has conjured up could ever happen here." Most of them - VERY unlikely to ever happen, but I can not tell him "No, never."

He has seen really bad things happen to really good people recently. He has been an active observer in some of life's more difficult moments. He takes in so much.

And really, darn those raccoons, the night he walked in and saw three raccoons inside of our porch is when it all started. It's like at that point he realized that things that are meant to be outside can get inside.

I am praying so much over this boy. Praying this fear that has a hold over him will leave. That he will see a quiet trust in our lives and develop it himself.

Oh colic, you really weren't so bad were you?