Monday, March 8, 2010

 What I'm learning: Marriage edition

Ladies - I'm discovering some things in my marriage that are so not profound, but I have been shamefully remiss in. Uggghhhh... I have been making some classic blunders. And I just need to write them out. I need to. Then I need to read them. Over and over and over. And maybe - just maybe they will FINALLY sink in. The following paragraphs are pretty much - to me, with love. There will never be a point in time when you are everything to your spouse. Trying is going to exhaust you - and guess what? - He very likely does not expect you to be it all/do it all/look it all. Talking things to death may not be best. Sometimes space is not a bad thing (even if it goes against everything you feel you "need"). Those things you know he struggles with? Don't berate him about them. He knows. He is more aware of his weaknesses and deficiencies than you know. They mock him and make him feel small. Don't join them. Make him feel like a hero - not a little boy who needs scolding. Have fun together. Let life happen - flexibility is huge in marriage. Lose the expectations of fairytale romance. Let real life romance be dazzling. And enough. Don't love him for how he makes you feel. Love based on feelings is fickle at best. And if I may be so bold - it isn't really love if that is the basis. Get to know who he truly is - the good and the bad. Some stuff you'll like - some stuff you won't. It's okay. God made you very different people. And there is a purpose in that. Along those same lines - let him be him. Don't pressure him to be like you. Different is good, it adds so much versatility to life. Is all that clutter {and the dust bunnies under the couch} mocking you? It will still be there tomorrow {Oh so unfortunately... it will be} when he is at work. Focus on him while he is home. Just sit with him. Hold his hand. It's worth it. Recognize that a Christian spouse has the same Spirit living in him as is living in you. HE {The Holy Spirit} will do the changing. Shut your mouth and let God work. HE really is more effective than you. You are a special and unique part of your spouse's life - but your spouse does not need you in able to grow. You can (and should) encourage, uplift, and affirm - but giving him space to grow and letting God work is essential. Pray, pray, pray. He is not your personal servant. Handing over the kids, the mail, and the vacuum when he get home from work - really not cool. Worried about all of your physical imperfections? It is highly probable that he is not. Don't hide. God and close friends can alleviate alot of pressure from him. Go to your spouse when appropriate - but always go to God first. -And when you want to {for instance} get a girlfriend response to girlfriend chatter - just leave him alone. He will never be a girlfriend. You really don't want him to be a girlfriend when you actually think about it. Sometimes female "chatter" can make a guy's ears bleed. He just may not care what flavor mocha you had this morning and why you can't wear brown heels with your new outfit... don't ask him to care about things that are just insignificant noise in his life. LISTEN TO HIM. Think you know how he will finish that sentence? - Okay, maybe you are right, but let him finish that sentence anyway. Have a really important thing you need to say when he is in the middle of talking {like super earth shattering important...} STOP. Wait. The world will not end if you must put your oh-so-important statement on hold. Nothing says "I don't really care about you" like interrupting, barging in, and taking charge of a conversation {Blahhhhhhh - this is a BIG ONE for me.) Virtuoso in the art of manipulation? Five words: Don' I need to stop now and just concentrate on these - because there are so many more that I could add, but then I would get overwhelmed. And really -I need to internalize these more than you know...


Katie@The Baby Factory said...

Ouch and ouch. Seriously, you got me right where it hurt......RIGHT where it hurt. All of these things that I've been pouting about caught me.
And yes, you may be so bold :)

Lois Lane II said...

I love your "talking things to death" part because it's just the opposite in our household, lol!

But the other things...yeah, that could be me.....*cough*

Katarina said...

Yup, I hear you. THis:

"Recognize that a Christian spouse has the same Spirit living in him as is living in you. HE {The Holy Spirit} will do the changing. Shut your mouth and let God work. HE really is more effective than you."

in particular stood out to me, struggle with this one, learning tons that's it's GOD, so thanks.

Wendi, I appreciate your honesty on your blog. Thanks for sharing these, I'm there, I feel like you could have been writing them to me, so thanks for the reminders!

Rach@In His Hands said...

I needed this today, Wendi.

I'm going back to reread this post again. Thanks for sharing these thoughts!

Hilary said...

Wow...these are all great and really hit close to home! Thanks for sharing these. I needed to hear them!

Amy@My Front Porch said... YOU with love...or to ME? This hit me where it hurts -- but in a good way. Thanks for your honesty :)