Five years of Jay

Yesterday he stood on a chair next to me at the counter as I chopped apples. 

We worked methodically together. I chopped, he threw them into the bowl. Chop, chop. Throw, throw. "Mom, K is different than us." Throw. "Yeah, there are some things about him that are different than you, huh." Chop, chop. "He's different because he scoots and he quotes movies all the time and he likes to watch movies and play his computer more than playing outside and stuff." Throw, throw. Chop. "We can really love people who are different than us Jay, can't we!" "Yeah." Throw. "And there are other people who aren't quite like us who really need our love too. We can show them how much we love them and how much Jesus loves them." Chop. "Tell me mom, I want to know all about it. Tell me why they are different and how they are different." Pause. 

 And his eyes - they had a depth that surprised me. A seeking. A curiosity which begged to be satisfied. Tell me the mysteries of the world. Show me. Teach me. Tell me why. Five years ago today he rocked my world by coming into it. My body was raw with the exertion of it. My mind was numb with the enormity of it. My emotions were all over the place. And little did I know that those feelings would not be compartmentalized to the moment of giving birth to him. They set the tone for my relationship with him. The little boy who has made me realize my most ungracious faults. Some of my deepest fears. My uglier moments. As well as my greatest strengths. And my ability to be flexible and learn It is my Jay. 

And this love I have for him is crazy. It's deep and tumultuous. It rides out the mountains and valleys. He pushes my buttons. I lose patience. He pushes the limits. I ask him for forgiveness. He smiles that smile. And I am lost in the beauty that is my Jay. The candid honesty. The pursuing, inquiring, seeking. I may be young, but I deserve an answer. I want to know!

The anger - that needs to be channeled and controlled, but even through that I can see a passion and a tenacity for living his life out loud which can be admired. Needs work though. Lots of work... To the little man who has shown me how many variations there are to loving ones child, like the colors of the rainbow and the tides of the ocean - loving him has cracked this mama's narrow view wide, wide open; Happy five. I love you!