Be gone - you are not my friend

It seems to stalk me wherever I go. Sometimes even sneaks stealthily into my dreams and my happiest moments. Most of the time you would never be able to tell that while I am talking to you I am constantly wondering what you are thinking of me. -If you understand me. -Humiliated that I pronounced that word wrong or couldn't find the perfect way to articulate what I wanted to say. -Afraid that some how, some time, in some way, my lack of knowledge and higher education will be uncovered by your accomplished enlightenment. -How many times I thought about not blogging one more word. It's from my heart - it breaks down too many walls. Puts my short comings out there too far. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. Insecurity. It comes and goes in streams of emotions, hormones, and circumstances. Some times a sweet and peaceful confidence edges it out. But never completely. Never fully. It is still there just lingering; waiting in a dormancy that is anything but gone. There have been real moments of victory. I have come too far to just regress in a moment of running back to it when no body is looking. But that is exactly the pattern I have fallen into. It has been there for years and I have tolerated it. Perhaps even gotten used to it on a comfort level. Worn it like an ugly overcoat. Accepted it as "just me". And the truth is I don't know me with out it. You see a smile and perhaps an extroverted facade. It's what you can't see that has slowly been eroding away the me that I was meant to be. Somewhere along the way I began mistaking humility for self deprecation. And in a cruel and strange twist of logic it has snowballed into the very opposite of all things humble. Tolerating this foe, which I have allowed in as if a friend, is not going to work for me anymore. This is not working at all anymore. The questioning. -Questioning my parenting. -Questioning every ounce of my worth. -Questioning what I have to offer. -Questioning his love... {and His love}. It doesn't just make me miserable - it affects so much more, and so many more, than just me. I'm not sure where to start. I can not begin to calculate the amount of time and effort it will take to daily (for sure, sometimes hourly) put on the assurance and courage that God intends for me. All I know is that last week when I began pondering the ministries that God has placed me in I felt one thing - only one thing - {Paralyzed} And I knew that this feeling, this disease, had overtaken far, far more than I had ever realized. I didn't mean to let it happen. And it can't continue. I am not writing this for anyone's assurances, or approval. Because that is the very thing that insecurity would motivate me to do. So much. And since I am in process of breaking it off with insecurity that is the last thing I need/want. My motivation for putting these thoughts into words on my blog is to document that today I really recognized the bitter pill that this is. And with God's help and accountability from people in my life I won't be taking it anymore.