Monday, February 22, 2010

 Be gone - you are not my friend

It seems to stalk me wherever I go. Sometimes even sneaks stealthily into my dreams and my happiest moments. Most of the time you would never be able to tell that while I am talking to you I am constantly wondering what you are thinking of me. -If you understand me. -Humiliated that I pronounced that word wrong or couldn't find the perfect way to articulate what I wanted to say. -Afraid that some how, some time, in some way, my lack of knowledge and higher education will be uncovered by your accomplished enlightenment. -How many times I thought about not blogging one more word. It's from my heart - it breaks down too many walls. Puts my short comings out there too far. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. Insecurity. It comes and goes in streams of emotions, hormones, and circumstances. Some times a sweet and peaceful confidence edges it out. But never completely. Never fully. It is still there just lingering; waiting in a dormancy that is anything but gone. There have been real moments of victory. I have come too far to just regress in a moment of running back to it when no body is looking. But that is exactly the pattern I have fallen into. It has been there for years and I have tolerated it. Perhaps even gotten used to it on a comfort level. Worn it like an ugly overcoat. Accepted it as "just me". And the truth is I don't know me with out it. You see a smile and perhaps an extroverted facade. It's what you can't see that has slowly been eroding away the me that I was meant to be. Somewhere along the way I began mistaking humility for self deprecation. And in a cruel and strange twist of logic it has snowballed into the very opposite of all things humble. Tolerating this foe, which I have allowed in as if a friend, is not going to work for me anymore. This is not working at all anymore. The questioning. -Questioning my parenting. -Questioning every ounce of my worth. -Questioning what I have to offer. -Questioning his love... {and His love}. It doesn't just make me miserable - it affects so much more, and so many more, than just me. I'm not sure where to start. I can not begin to calculate the amount of time and effort it will take to daily (for sure, sometimes hourly) put on the assurance and courage that God intends for me. All I know is that last week when I began pondering the ministries that God has placed me in I felt one thing - only one thing - {Paralyzed} And I knew that this feeling, this disease, had overtaken far, far more than I had ever realized. I didn't mean to let it happen. And it can't continue. I am not writing this for anyone's assurances, or approval. Because that is the very thing that insecurity would motivate me to do. So much. And since I am in process of breaking it off with insecurity that is the last thing I need/want. My motivation for putting these thoughts into words on my blog is to document that today I really recognized the bitter pill that this is. And with God's help and accountability from people in my life I won't be taking it anymore.


Lindsay said...

Oh how I hear you. I mean read you :)

Love to you this week sweet lady ~ much love!

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Oh, how I wish I could say I don't know what you're talking about. But I do. I struggle with the same monster and you have hit the nail on the head -- it's not humility that causes it, it is pride.

Praying for you!

P.S. I haven't read this book but I know Beth Moore just published a new one called "So Long Insecurity" and I've heard it's really good. It's next on my reading list as soon as I can get it from the library!

une autre mère said...

So honest. So well said. And so true of my life too. I feel like you stole the words out of my soul that I couldn't verbalize myself.

And thanks, Amy, for the suggestion of the Beth Moore book. I might have to check that one out too!

Katarina said...

I totally understand this, it's soemthing I too struggle with, so I know where you are coming from and just how much of a trap it can be.

Praying for you this week.

Renata said...

I also understand & battle with this - I was looking back on photos of when I was a child the other day & remember thinking even then I wasn't good enough. Thanks for sharing your heart.
God bless you
Renata :)

Aminta said...

Oh Wendy! So true of most anyone! Seriously.
I agree! Time to grasp ourselves in all of our beautiful (and sometimes ugly) glory.
You know, I am truly going to miss you sweet woman. And because of this weekend coming up, I know many of us are a little clouded by that ugly thing called insecurity.
Missing you, and know with out a shadow of a doubt, that I adore you. In all of your imperfection.

Karen said...

wendy wendy wendy. wow! reading this brought tears to my eyes because God has been bringing me to this EXACT same place. insecurity has drowned out my happiness, brought me down with one word, ruined my day by the endless chatter it leads me to within my mind, rotted me. not every day, not even every week, but enough for me to be sickened by the intensity of its hold over me. funny how we hate it with all of our being but we continue to walk hand & hand with it! i too have praying for this stronghold to be broken in my life. thats what it has become sadly..a stronghold. slowly but surely by the POWER of Christ i..wait..WE will have VICTORY girlfriend!! praying for you:)

p.s..i was thinking of beth moore's new book the whole time i was reading this too. i am pumped to get my hands on it!

p.s.s..on beth's blog right now they are reading thru the book together & having blog discussions on each section!

p.s.s.s..i think you are a SUPER cool girl!!my kinda girl:) you don't know who many times i've wished already since you found me again that we lived closer together!!! xoxo

creative gal said...

I so hear you!! Have you checked out Beth Moore's latest book? She is doing a series on this on her blog and it is helping me!! Girl we can do this through the power of our Lord Jesus Christ- we can overcome! :)

The Sneaky Mommy said...

I think Satan has deceived so many of us into taking that bitter pill of insecurity!
Awhile back, I was working with one of our college girls and we were comparing stories of insecurities. One day, she brought to me Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." This was so humbling to have a new believer show me...I should have been showing her this verse! Together, we filter our insecurities through this verse and find our new mindset in Christ!
Thank you for your transparency and encouragement! Praying for you!

creative gal said...

I am glad you were able to check out Beth's book! I will keep praying! I look forward to reading your posts on the questions. :)

Amanda said...

oh wendi...sweet never fail to put tears in my eyes. oh how i feel this i have thought recently about insecurity...about how Satan wants to use it to take me i need to cut loose and live in the freedom of God's love and grace and acceptance...and yet, the struggle is still there...quite 4th grade-ish lately, in fact...pressing, clouding, exhausting...oh how i pray for deliverance...for you, for me, for each of your readers...

Rachel said...

As you can probably already tell from the comments, this post struck a nerve! It struck one with me, too. I could have written this post. Thank you for being real and for putting into words what so many of us are often too afraid to say. I was just looking at that Beth Moore book today and thinking that God has been talking to me a lot about this issue lately...I guess I am not the only one!

Anna Delight said...

Hi, I was just wondering if someone could post the web link to beth moores blog that they are discussing her book on?
Thank you for sharing your souls, all of you! It's such a beautiful thing.

Wendi@Every Day Miracles said...

Anna - My computer wouldn't let me leave a comment on your blog and I couldn't find an email address for you - so I do hope you come back here to check for an answer to your question. This is the blog we were talking about :
It is Beth Moore's blog - she is a wonderful Christian writer.