And then there came a day when it didn't hurt so bad

{J.D.} It's not for you that I write this - because I know that you don't need my love. You don't need my grief. You don't need my mothering. You don't need to know how we are doing seven years after you briefly graced our lives. You don't need any of it. It's for me. Because every year around this time I think of you more. And I feel a need to get some of those emotions out. It's an outlet for me. So it is that time of year again. The time where memories are more vivid. Where milestones of your short life begin to make an entrance into our days. During the past seven years when mid to late December would roll around I would consciously, and subconsciously, begin to feel emotions of a deep and unpredictable manner. I would often feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. Some times "unexplainable" tears would roll down my face - that upon later analyzation, were not unexplainable at all. They were for you. They were for the days in December that you were so whole and healthy inside of my body. And then the days in January where we watched your life fade. It was on December 20th that we first found out that you and K would likely be born much sooner than you were supposed to be. And we began the fight to keep you safe inside. So each year I remember. But this year is different. There are still strong emotions. But, so far this year my body feels no sorrow on a physical level for you. My heart remembers - and there is a slight ache. But I have to say that the joy with in me leaves little room for sorrow. And there is a slight measure of guilt over that. I know - It's rather ridiculous to feel guilty over not being sad. But this is me isn't it? Very typical thrives-on-guilt me. Every where I look I see the tangible evidence of God's grace and blessings in my life. It feels redemptive. No, your life could never be redeemed by any other lives. You could never be replaced. Ever. But I would have to be insane not to notice the way that God has answered our prayers and multiplied the desires of our hearts since you went to be with him. J.D. - you were my first baby. My first experience with that all consuming love. Nothing and no one can take that special spot in my life and heart. It will always be reserved for you. But this year - well, this year the lights on our tree sparkle down on four smiling faces. One looks just like you. One has many question about you. One can't quite grasp the concept of every thing you were and are to us. One shares your name as his middle name. And in those moments where I expect the sorrow of losing you to weigh me down - those four faces look up into mine and it's just not there. The heavy feeling of loss. The questions of how God could've let this happen... they aren't there this year. To say I am surprised would be an understatement. I hardly remember a December with out these feelings. The healer called time has something to do with it I am sure. Although it seems impossible that 7 years have passed, it is true and with each one of those years the sharpness has dissipated somewhat. The healer called Christ has every thing to do with it. In those early days, weeks, months, and even years, I never could have imagined facing this time of year with gladness. Peace. Joy. But here it is. This year I am smiling when I think of you.