Wednesday, December 9, 2009

 And then there came a day when it didn't hurt so bad

{J.D.} It's not for you that I write this - because I know that you don't need my love. You don't need my grief. You don't need my mothering. You don't need to know how we are doing seven years after you briefly graced our lives. You don't need any of it. It's for me. Because every year around this time I think of you more. And I feel a need to get some of those emotions out. It's an outlet for me. So it is that time of year again. The time where memories are more vivid. Where milestones of your short life begin to make an entrance into our days. During the past seven years when mid to late December would roll around I would consciously, and subconsciously, begin to feel emotions of a deep and unpredictable manner. I would often feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. Some times "unexplainable" tears would roll down my face - that upon later analyzation, were not unexplainable at all. They were for you. They were for the days in December that you were so whole and healthy inside of my body. And then the days in January where we watched your life fade. It was on December 20th that we first found out that you and K would likely be born much sooner than you were supposed to be. And we began the fight to keep you safe inside. So each year I remember. But this year is different. There are still strong emotions. But, so far this year my body feels no sorrow on a physical level for you. My heart remembers - and there is a slight ache. But I have to say that the joy with in me leaves little room for sorrow. And there is a slight measure of guilt over that. I know - It's rather ridiculous to feel guilty over not being sad. But this is me isn't it? Very typical thrives-on-guilt me. Every where I look I see the tangible evidence of God's grace and blessings in my life. It feels redemptive. No, your life could never be redeemed by any other lives. You could never be replaced. Ever. But I would have to be insane not to notice the way that God has answered our prayers and multiplied the desires of our hearts since you went to be with him. J.D. - you were my first baby. My first experience with that all consuming love. Nothing and no one can take that special spot in my life and heart. It will always be reserved for you. But this year - well, this year the lights on our tree sparkle down on four smiling faces. One looks just like you. One has many question about you. One can't quite grasp the concept of every thing you were and are to us. One shares your name as his middle name. And in those moments where I expect the sorrow of losing you to weigh me down - those four faces look up into mine and it's just not there. The heavy feeling of loss. The questions of how God could've let this happen... they aren't there this year. To say I am surprised would be an understatement. I hardly remember a December with out these feelings. The healer called time has something to do with it I am sure. Although it seems impossible that 7 years have passed, it is true and with each one of those years the sharpness has dissipated somewhat. The healer called Christ has every thing to do with it. In those early days, weeks, months, and even years, I never could have imagined facing this time of year with gladness. Peace. Joy. But here it is. This year I am smiling when I think of you.

11 comments:

Anthony's Mommy said...

how very true this is! Every year that goes by the pain I have in my heart for the loss of Hailey lessens. I will never forget her and think of her every day, but it is with happiness that i think of her. I can talk about her with out crying now. Which I never thought would be possible. I can look at Anthony with out feeling there should be Hailey by his side. The only time I do feel that sting is when I hear people are pregnant with boy/girl twins. That still gets to me. But I also think having Ashley growing inside me, hopefully going full term is sort of redemption for me. She is healing my heart and hopefully healing her daddies heart too. Sometimes I think his is bearing more scars then mine has....

Kim

Leslie said...

Oh Wendi.
Thanking of your sweet JD this morning.
and love how your blessings are so abundant.

and so happy for healing.

You Wendi are a beyond blessed lady.

{Jodie} said...

sigh

Wow Wendi. I just can't even imagine. I'm so glad though for you, that it's more bearable now, and that you can see more light than dark.

I just don't even know what else to say... I just marvel at it all... I read recently that believers who are trying to convert people to Christianity tend to protect people from the "harshness" of God - situations like yours b/c of the fear that it'll keep people from Him and that He'll be misunderstood... but clearly on the back end of an experience like yours, you can really SEE God. And He's not harsh, and He's not a taker. I love your story. I love your heart. I wish I knew you in real life.

Merry Christmas dear.

Noah and Ryders Mommy said...

Thinking of you Wendi and sweet little J.D. who is so much better off than any of us, in his loving arms and just praising God for the blessings he has poured down upon you and your family. I do pray that he continues to bless your heart with your four precious little miracles each and every day..may each year be easier on your hearts knowing that this is all a part of his master plan, even if we are uncapable of understanding, it's all for the good of Him.


Much love to you Wendi!!

Ashley said...

I know you said you write this for you...but I think it's so awesome of you to share, for those who may be still dealing with feeling the grief. You are able to give them the hope of a day when the pain will pass. What a blessing!
Hope you're family has a wonderful Christmas! Tell the guilt to go away! :)

Katie@The Baby Factory said...

Wendi...you constantly amaze me by your faith in our Lord....I don't know that I could exhibit such faith during the annual, but constant reminder of loss like you have.
Thank you for your openness about the loss of JD. And thank you so much more for your ever present TRUST in our God who holds him until you get to see him again.

Katarina said...

Praise God. Praying that your Christmas will be filled with continued Joy and Peace from Him.

nault's nook said...

Thinking of you during this season! Praising the Lord for all the blessings and all the comfort!

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

This is beautiful Wendi.

Rach@In His Hands said...

I'm all choked up...from the first line to the last words. Beautiful.

What an amazing Lord we have! ONE who takes away, but gives so generously, both according to His perfect will. ONE who heals and brings the "here is is" when He knows we are ready.

Hugs friend!

Rachel @ Future Pastor's Wife said...

Amazing, Wendi. I rejoice for you that this year you are smiling. You are an amazing witness for Jesus.

*Hugs*