Tuesday, October 6, 2009

 The take and give of motherhood...

I have to be honest; sometimes these boys drain me. -Just seep all of the energy right from me. All of them - the ones running circles around me and the one doing pilates in the womb (which will eventually come in handy, because although it is not trendy any more, pilates is so the way I get back in shape after I have my babies - and apparently I will have a pilates buddy in my lil Malachi). Last night I think I took tired, weepy, and "done" to a whole new level. After a good evening of volunteering, I had to head over to the lovely Meijer for some groceries. I was okay walking in, but after walking around the store for a while, collecting all of the food necessities, and then standing in line for nearly 30 minutes I was not feeling great. By the time I got home I was feeling really sick to my stomach and the 4 hours of sleep I had gotten the night before were most certainly catching up with me. Upon my arrival home I was met with what has become my nemesis - a house that looked lived in. Yes, my crazy "nesting" instincts these past few weeks have become that bad. I have tried to suppress these obsessive impulses which tell me that I must constantly pick up any thing that falls on the floor, keep every bit of laundry clean at all times, keep all toys in the toy room, etc. These impractical impulses are not giving me a break. The silly thing is, I can't keep my house like this all the time, and generally I do not. Why do I feel I must do this now?? I suppose it has something to do with trying to compensate now for what I know will be extreme busyness/lack of sleep/adjustments soon. About once a week I get the house to a point which I deem "new baby" ready. And then - horror of all horrors - some one gets a toy on the floor, or dirties a dish by, like - eating or something!!! Hummph. So, last night I returned home to the "lived in" house and desperately just needed to sit down. This brought on an inner battle with my nesting impulse - which tired me further. Then I began to cry, which I admit was completely ridiculous. Feeling sick and exhausted, but not allowing myself to rest? - Not a good thing! I was bending over my basket ball belly to pick dirty socks off the floor and just got myself all worked up. And then a little 4 year old slipped his hand in mine. "Mommy, are you sad?" "Mommy is just tired. Mommy is sorry Jay - you didn't do any thing wrong." His face had a mixed look of worry and a little fear, so I was instantly motivated to chill out and reassure him. "I know you don't like things messy mom. I can do whatever you need. What do you need mom?" His unexpected sweetness touched me so much in that moment. Goodness - have me and this little boy had our share of clashing. Sometimes I just don't get how he thinks and I am frustrated to no end at his lack of obedience. But in this moment he looked so grown. So compassionate. So intuitive - beyond his 4 years. "Mom, I can put all of the shoes under this cabinet. See? I'll line then up all pretty, just how you do it. Where do the socks go mom?" In no time all of the dirty clothes were put into the bathroom basket and the shoes were lined up. I allowed myself to sit as I watched my special little gift for the moment and listened to his brilliant discourse. "I know you are tired mom. You get tired because baby Malachi is in your belly. Kinda like I get dizzy when I run in circles." Why of course. "But mom, baby Malachi will be out soon. See our paper chain? Remember when we made it and it dragged on the ground? There are only 4 links to the chain left now. You know what that means mom? Only 4 more weeks. Right around Halloween time mom. Then you can bend over with out that sad look on your face, huh mom?" Indeed... Then a little 2 year old silently and meticulously began to spread his treasured blankie over my body as I sat in the chair. This guy has certainly caused some mommy frustration lately as well - the "joys" of potty training, learning some obstinate independence. - I can tell we are getting closer and closer to 3. -That age which has intimidated, baffled, and aggravated this grown woman more than once. And yet in THIS moment, when it really mattered, they were both demonstrating such a sweetness. I knew that things could turn around at any time, but for the minute I took the grace for what it was. I've written about it before - this puzzlement of that which takes all my energy also being that which pours life into me. It may seem like a contradiction, but I am seeing it now as a natural cycle of this life which God has given me. Some days they will take all I have. Some days we will all walk a fine line of frustration. Some days I may wonder if they just might be taking more than I have to give. But they never will. They are my gift. The gift that stretches me and teaches me how much life is not about me. And then there are those times where they are the gift that gives me everything I thought they drained from me.

13 comments:

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Wow Wendi, I feel like I say this every time but you are SUCH an incredible writer! You have a great way of capturing those "every mom" emotions and putting them on paper (or in this case computer screen) beautifully!

Susan Berlien (warmchocmilk) said...

Wonderful post! I totally get it. you have a great talent in your writing!

This Heavenly Life said...

That was so beautiful :) You've perfectly (and movingly) captured one of the central pillars of motherhood, in my mind. And on those days when you empty yourself, wouldn't it be nice to remember exactly what it feels like to be refilled again? How do we do that? :)

Katarina said...

*tear* I've so been there, you just managed to express my almost daily struggle too.
I read this and just wanted to come over and guve you a big hug.
You have wonderful little boys, and these glimpses of who they will be as the grow are so very precious.

Melody said...

So beautiful, so true, and SO where I am right now!

Katie@The Baby Factory said...

Lovely post.
So sweet that they have a paper chain count down....this is part of my dilemma with having another baby or not having another baby....I would LOVE for my boys to become a big brother when they're old enough to be excited. {sniff}
So sweet.

Rachel @ Future Pastor's Wife said...

What precious, precious boys you have!

And what a precious God you serve to turn the tables when you needed it most and allow those who are always being served by you become the servants.

Hope you are able to get some more rest!

Kristy said...

How on earth do you know what I'm feeling... although I don't have the baby belly, I have certainly been feeling the frustration of not being able to "keep up". And God forbid anyone "live" in our house and dirty a dish, unfold a blanket, or not put the toilest seat down... but then those moments, those sweet, sweet moments. Aaahh.

Memories by Design said...

This is SO true - how they can both drain us and then give us back everything that we thought they had taken - amazingly put! I cannot get over the sweetness of your boys - they just love their mama so much. :)

Can I come do Pilates with you and Malachi? :)

Katie@The Baby Factory said...

Hey Wendi! I am hoping your couple day absense means you're doing great!
I gave you a bloggy award today! Looking forward to seeing pictures of your new little guy when he arrives!

MarjnHomer said...

you're almost there, hang in there. it may seem like forever but its all worth it in the end.

Heather of the EO said...

I woke up this morning and you were the first person to come to mind. So I prayed for you, but didn't know why. I'm behind on blog reading, so I just saw this today (Friday).

I hope you continue to feel encouraged by all that love in your messy house. I totally get it. It's always both, which can be so exhausting too.

Hang in there, sweet lady. I love the positive way you end up looking at things. It's inspiring.

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Beautiful! You just put into words so perfectly what every mother feels!