Thursday, May 28, 2009

 Nope, I don't think I fell. I walked right into this.

I don’t think it was one specific thing that has got me thinking about it. I just keep contemplating love.

Falling in love; is there such a thing?

Choosing to love.

Deepening in love.

Strengthening that love.

How does it all happen?

When does it start?

Perhaps some of my thought process has been put into motion by all of the “Jon and Kate” talk flying around. We are one of the few households left that has chosen to just stick with the basic free television channels, so we don’t regularly watch “Jon and Kate plus 8”. I have seen several episodes though. Besides the fact that I am on line a lot and watch my basic TV; well and the fact that I am alive - you couldn’t miss all of the hubbub (I’m liking that word) surrounding this family.Specifically Jon and Kate's marriage.

Then again, being in love, staying in love (and loving it all) is on my mind a lot. I’m quite a hopeless romantic.

I also think that talking to my sister this morning and discussing every thing my parents have been through, and stayed together through, set these thoughts in motion.

When I met Dave I had been praying for a godly man to come into my life. One whom I could trust with my deepest secrets and love with out holding back. I prayed for some one who would be a good father. Some one who would be in it for the long haul.

I saw those things in him right away. Yes, I was infatuated, and had the fluttery heart and all. But mostly I saw what I had been praying for, recognized him as the answer, and put my focus on him.

I chose.

I didn’t fall.

Saying that I don’t believe in falling in love is would probably get some shock and gasps out of y’all. I mean really, that would be a horrendous thing to say! It takes so much of the romance, hearts, flowers, singing birds, and confetti out of it. – So I won’t go as far as to say I don’t believe in it. I just believe it is a process. One that starts with a choice and is strengthened with time, consistency, and loyalty.

I felt love for him when he sent me flowers for the first time.

I wondered if it were love when we talked for 8 hours on the phone.

When I visited what would be my new home and took in all of the new surroundings.

When he held my hand for the first time and I forgot to breathe.

When he reminded me.

When he told me he had waited a long time for me; and it was worth the wait.

I knew I loved him when he finally said the words.

When he proposed.

When we began to plan our wedding.

When we had our first real disagreement, and I took my ring off.

When I put it back on and knew I would never take it off like that again.

When we stood at the front of my small church and let all of our family and friends know.

When we kissed for the first time.

But really it became a love of a completely different nature when the homesickness hit.

When he worked long hours trucking and I found myself alone in a house that was supposed to be mine, but still felt foreign.

When he would cradle my face in his hands and tell me how amazing it was to come home to his wife.

When I couldn’t get pregnant.

When he comforted me.

I think I began to realize that love was something so different than I ever imagined when we started to really know one anther on an immensely deeper level.

When our twins were on the way and I saw a softening in him that was new and so endearing!

When he knelt by my bedside the night I was about to give birth and he dedicated our boys to God.

When he met our sons for the first time – and I saw his tears.

That was love. It was not butterflies and flowers love. It was gut wrenching bonding.

Love.

When I found some things out about him that surprised and disappointed me.

When I had to deal with the fact that we both have issues – lots of them – that neither of us knew we had signed up for when we signed that marriage license.

Oh was that ever love! In it’s truest form.

The day I said “You disappointed me. I thought I knew you better than that. I have some baggage I have never dealt with either. I know I have let you down. We both need to just forgive and accept that we are just clinging to God’s grace together. Two messed up people who are in this together for life.” Was a deeper moment of love than the moment I told him I loved him for the first time. Or even the time we went out to dinner and danced in the kitchen to “our song” when we came home from a sweet and lovely dinner date.

When my gaze faltered and my heart questioned. When God's grace poured into each one of us and we chose. That was a love more real than I had ever experienced in my life.

The moment I watched his emotions shatter into a million pieces over the words form our doctor telling us how sick J.D. was was a moment of more intense love than the moment he put the ring on my finger.

When He held me while I cried and allowed me to go through every strange and tumultuous emotion that our NICU period induced- it was love.

When we stood beside the small grave site and his warm hand on my shoulder began to melt the numbness that had engulfed me.

When He got up every few hours at night to tube feed baby K, once we were able to bring him home, I knew a lasting love.

When baby Jay was here, and I hit a wall of disillusionment, his steadfast caring meant more than any kind of other romantic gesture.

When Noe joined our family and he had to pick up the slack of the household, including a four year old with special needs and a very active 2 year old, while I cared for the newest baby, he demonstrated love in a million different ways.

When I struggled to grasp the fact that we had to go through loss again last year, he was there. Quietly comforting.

When he turned my focus onto the really important things that K was doing and off from the expectations of charts and doctors and therapists – he was loving me.

When he taught me how to drive a stick shift truck and totally put his life on the line – not to mention his truck – and we giggled till we could hardly breathe, that’s one moment when love became more then falling.

See, when I picture falling in love I think of someone accidentally losing their balance and tumbling down. Like it’s out of their control. What happens when they get up and get their footing again? When they realize they can get up from their fall and walk?

16 comments:

MoziEsmé said...

Another beautiful post...

Jamie said...

Love, love, love this post! Very well said...beautiful!

Lena said...

Well said.. Makes a ton of sense. It makes sense to choose love- it then makes love a more secure thing, because even if you don't feel it you are still choosing it.

Anne Elizabeth said...

I LOVED this post!

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

Wow! I am pretty much speachless, but I wanted you to know I am here.

I hope you have an awesome trip & good weather. Give your mom a hug for me. I have not seen her in soooo long!

I am done with work tomorrow so. I should be able to catch up with you at softball. Of course this Tuesday I am taking Faith summer clothes shopping, the next week we have no game and the following week is day 2 of VBS so maybe I won't see you for a while yet!

Anyway I'll stop rambling like this is an e-mail! Love you!

Sara@i.Sass said...

Again, other beautiful post from you Wendi!

"Rachel" said...

Good grief, Wendi, I am just... speechless.

You have a gift. An amazing, amazing gift. You are better with words than most of my favorite authors. How can can be so in touch with emotions and then find a way to put them into words is a gift from above.

I have GOT to stop reading your blog at work. All this crying can't be good for my job performance. :)

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

So beautiful Wendi!

Joyfulsheep said...

Wow! I can't wait for God to bring me a guy who will love me like that and that I can love in the same way. You have a way with words.

Amber said...

Beautiful post! I have a tear in the corner of my eye.
Such, love, joy, and pain and you have done it all "together", in love!
Beautiful and true!!
ak

jennifer said...

ugh. you make me cry at least once a week. this one is soooo beautiful. so wonderful. so exactly right.

i love your blog!
jen

creative gal said...

Thank you for sharing!! I pray that one day I meet a man as great as your guy!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Wendi, I saw this when you first posted it, but I couldn't comment - because there was so much to process. I am so in awe of your words. Love truly is a choice, isn't it? The further we go in our marriage (our 7 year anniversary was yesterday!) the more I realize this. Some days I just don't "feel" it - but yet I choose to keep loving. And he chooses to keep loving me.

Heather of the EO said...

I love this.

Makes me think of the Sara Groves song "Loving a Person"

"Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing...it's the whole thing."

Great post, lady.

Katarina said...

Thanks. I know you posted this awhile ago but I needed to read it today, needed to hear those words. Thanks for sharing them.

{Jodie} said...

Beautifully written, and so very true.
So, so true. I think everyone should read this before they get married, because we can be SO disillusioned about what marriage is and what it looks like.