The miracle is not in the outcome - it's in the process

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and sometimes it feels like a completely different life. A different person. A different time. Because that is how this human mind processes such memories. Ninety-six days in the NICU. Days flowing together with no definitive end or beginning. Had I showered that day? When was the last time I had something to eat? Had I updated every one who would want to know of J.D. and K's progress or lack thereof? What were they telling me? What did it all mean? It was like living in a thick fog and wondering if and when it would lift. There would be days when the littlest bit of positive news on J.D. or K's condition would propel me into some of the loftiest highs I've ever experienced. Those days were often followed by days where I would need to change gears faster than I felt capable of. News of a life threatening infection would burst my bubble of excitement. Or perhaps it would be one of them experiencing a downward trend on their breathing and the learned-to-be-despised ventilator would have to be turned up to unhealthy levels. Potentially fatal desaturations in oxygen followed by dipping heart rates would strike fear in the pit of my mommy heart. Those are my boys! Do something! Make it better! My usual quiet and seemingly calm demeanor around the doctors threatened to be overturned by the words that wanted so badly to be screamed from my lips. But I knew that it would do no good. If they could've turned things around for our babies, they most assuredly would've immediately done so. There was only one who could change any aspect of J.D. and K's situation. Through ups and downs, twists and turns, and harsh realities meeting miraculous wonders our little family weathered the storm of the NICU and made it to the next chapter. We braced ourselves for the worst and sobbed through prayers, begging for the best. We felt like we experienced both. I think in reality we expereinced a miracle regarding each one of our boys. Those miracles just looked very different from each other. The day that I learned they had done all they could medically do to try to save J.D.s life was a day filled with tears and wordless prayers. Because I had prayed so many words, and I was at a point where I had no idea what to ask for any more. But he was healed. It was not in the way we wished for, but that doesn't take away the fact that he was. And I believe with all of my heart that the prayers I didn't even know how to pray were being offered up on my account. "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words can not express." Romans 8:26 That, to me, is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. We prepared to lose K more times than I care to go back and recall. I loved the glimpses of hope and the times where he pulled through struggles that we were warned he may not. But it made those dips into despair that much more difficult to handle. There was not a whole lot of balance or logic ruling our days back then. To say that the extreme ups and downs were tiring would be a huge understatement. These are the thoughts that have been playing out in my mind since I first read about baby Stellan's return to the hospital several days ago. My heart resonates so much with the words of Stellan's sweet mama and all that she is going through. Our situations are different in many ways, but so many of the emotions felt are the same. Most days I feel hesitant to check MckMama's blog. I have even been known to cringe a bit as the page loads. Because I don't know what I will read. Because I don't know how my emotions will hold up. And yet I find myself loading that page many times each day. Because I care. Because it brings me to a mental place that is hidden deep inside, but will be a part of me forever. Because I can't seem to stay away. I need to know. My prayers are so often surrounding this wonderful family. I do not know what the out come will be for this family. I trust the God who does. As MckMama so profoundly wrote about a few days ago, no matter what, Stellan is a miracle. His 5 months here have touched countless lives around the world. Lord willing he will continue to do so. But we don't make that decision. I can not speak for all of those whom he has touched, but I know that his life, and his mama's words, have changed me and the way I think about some very important things. Please join me in praying for Stellan and his family.