{Because I'll never forget}

In 2004 and 2005 it was most noticeable.

The lack of sleep.

Being sick to my stomach.

Losing weight.

I didn't understand it the first year. By the second year an awareness dawned on me. My heart, mind, and body were remembering. Fortunately the past couple of years have been much better, but I always notice something a bit amiss with myself around mid December. It was December 20th, 2003 that I received the initial indications that my first pregnancy was not going to be the "perfect" pregnancy I had dreamed of. It had gone so well up until that point. A couple of days ago I walked up the very familiar side walk to my doctors office and so many memories flooded my mind. I have walked that side walk over and over again. Some of the times that my feet have taken that path my heart was so full of joy it felt like it would burst out of my chest. So many times that same course has been taken with feet that felt like they were made of cement. I remember walking that path when we had our first ultra sound and found out there were two babies nestled inside of my body. it was incredible! Of course there was the aforementioned trip there when I found out all was not well and I would be transferring to a hospital more equipped to handle high risk pregnancies. High risk. Suddenly my world had changed. I remember the weekly shots in my second and third pregnancies.

The little scares along the way.

Leaving there with my healthy babies, and not being able to believe I actually had "take home babies". :) My most recent visit this past Thursday was finally the anticipated close to a chapter in our lives which we were ready to move away from. And yet I know it will never completely close. When I found out I was pregnant this past May my heart was immediately intertwined with this precious new life . I could not stop that process any more than I could stop my lungs from filling with the air I need to survive. It was my tenth blood test in six months. The hoped for result was finally there. My hormones have reverted to pre-pregnancy condition. And yet... There was some relief. But extending past that was just a bit of an ache. Our baby. I love this time of year. I really do. But ever since 2003 the joy of the season has mingled with grief. Sadness. In some ways it seems out of place, in other ways it just makes me more tender. Tender to empty myself of what doesn't matter and fill my heart with the Jesus that I so desperately need. The Jesus who gives and takes away. The Jesus who knows better than me. The Jesus who grieves at the brokenness of this world he created. I think about the way baby J.D. was so active inside of me six years ago.

Healthy.

I remember his first little cries.

I have gotten used to the feeling of a tight band around my heart.

I have begun to forget the Decembers where that feeling was not present. It's a part of me now. I watch K and some times have to leave the room with a quiet gasp as I wonder what life would be like seeing double. This time of the year it is just a little bit more noticeable.

So I prepare for this season again. This year there is an added element of sadness. My due date wouldv'e been a short 5 weeks away.

I carefully try to get the rest I need. I contemplate how best to nourish my body. I anticipate frequent and intense ups and downs. I cling to my boys even tighter. I relish the feeling of Dave's strong arms which are always welcoming me to find solice there. I strive for a little bit more time kneeling at the feet of the one we are celebrating: Jesus.

On our way to Grandma's house today we passed the cemetery that J.D. is buried in. I mentioned it to K and Jay, who were with me. Jay immediately got irate and asked why we had burred his big brother. :) Oh how his little mind strives to get around this family history he has been told about. I sent a little prayer up, asking for help, as I tried to explain the difference between our soul and our body. "I don't know what a stoul is mom!", Said little Jay. I squeezed my eyes shut (only briefly though - because, yes, I was driving) and again pleaded for the words. How does one explain these things to a three year old? He wants to know so much - his mind works at an amazing rate. You can almost see the gears turning. You must not laugh at my response - I was kind of put on the spot and was really grasping at whatever I could. "Well, uh, you know how turtles have shells?" Jay and K have really been into turtles lately - so I pounced on that. "Yeah mom, yeah mom!" "Well, Our bodies are kind of like shells. Inside we have a soul. When we die our "shells" will be buried, but our souls will go up to heaven if we believe in Jesus. We buried J.D.s body, but the real J.D. is up in heaven with Jesus." "Ohhhhh" And all was silent. Oh to have the faith of a child.