Sunday, October 12, 2008

 But at least I made pies...

Yesterday I took one of these and with it I made two of these. Can I just say it was super satisfying? I have never made a pumpkin pie where the main ingredient did not come from a can. It was a highlight of my weekend. Yes, you are correct; even though such a task can and should bring much gratification, weekend highlights usually consist of much more meaningful moments. I have a confession to make. I have been grumpy this weekend. This weekends grumpies were really just the culmination of several weeks where things have been off balance for me. I don't exactly know why. I do know that I have struggled greatly with time management and priorities. I also know that God has been whittling away at this daunting indignity in my life called pride. It is a necessary process but a very painful one. On the outset, all has been fine. I have had some wonderful days and very sweet moments. As a family we have begun to manage our time together a bit better. But as for my personal responsibility of time choices - not so much. It's hard to put into words, and I'm not even sure I want to. :) You know me and that evil called vulnerability. I'm not a fan. This weekend I have felt very agitated and restless. I have felt a sense of questioning, rebellion, and grief that I haven't felt in months. Things I thought I had put behind me. Added to those emotions have been my old foes insecurity, inadequacy, loneliness, and fear. I snapped at the boys countless times. At one point I thought of the video I posted on here a couple of weeks ago and all of the comments left for me that commended my patience with the boys. When I thought of those encouraging words I cringed inside. My head hung down in shame and I imagined a video being posted of my recent behavior. What would you all say then? You would see cryptic remarks, tired eyes, an unorganized home. That had become much more of the real me then the one you usually 'see'. I also thought of the most recent words I had lovingly put together in my 30 days to live post. I meant every word, but I wonder if you also know that there are days I don't want to do the right thing at all. There are days where I don't want to do this. This mothering which some days feels like I am talking to the wall. Coming up against a strong will which challenges me several times an hour. The constancy of cleaning up only to have it all be thoroughly messed up again. Not only are there days I just plain don't want to do it, there are so many moments where I feel woefully inadequate as a mother. No one knows how often I silently question the quality of my mothering. I feel the threatening sting of tears behind my eyes as I bear my heart. I know so many amazing mothers who seem to embrace their job with such a loving fervor. I fancy myself as one of them until circumstances force me to face my own behavior as if in a mirror before me. A few things that seemed to reveal my most recent attitude issues consisted of some misunderstandings that resulting from much miscommunication with Dave as well as the aforementioned assault on my pride. The misunderstandings with the one who means more to me than any one else here on earth caused some pretty intense emotions. The pride issues are just more in a string of life lessons that I know I need to learn, but I am never more uncomfortable then when in the midst of such training. This week I have been forgetful and I have done some pretty unintelligent and thoughtless things. I wish I could say that is more the exception than the rule... :) I am not one who puts much belief into ones hair color dictating ones inelegance level, but my actions of late have been those which are most often attributed to a hair color that is much lighter than my own. Forgetting or losing important things. Speaking or acting with out thoroughly thinking it through. Choosing my own way versus the way I know to be better. Trying some new things only to face a level far lower than my self imposed perfection would desire. These are the things which have led up to my weekend of grumpies and ultimately forced me to face my own heart. It's not real pretty right now friends. When I am feeling this way it is almost impossible for me to put words together in a coherent way. I love to write, so I know that things are off balance when I experience a block like that. Now the hard part. :) I have summarized the recent effects of my own bad choices and now I am responsible to turn things around. I'm posting it on the internet. Now I will be accountable too. Seriously, who does that? :) On the way to church this morning I heard these words on the radio "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me" and the truth really hit me full force. I am not a slave to these feelings. I have been freed and that freedom cost the ultimate price. Continuing to wallow in negativity is like slapping the face of the one who gave every thing so that I didn't have to. At least I made some pie...

25 comments:

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

Oh, so you are human.

Seriously, we all have those days, but thank God that He gives us the grace we need to walk in every day. I think I would be more concerned if you had it all together. Then, you wouldn't need Him.

Anne Elizabeth said...

First off the pies look delicious! I'm on my way over;) I want the recipe because I have never made a "real" pumpkin pie.

Secondly I TRULY understand how you feel because I have lived there for awhile now. I will fervently pray for you, because I understand how hard it is when we have days (or months) like this.

Amanda said...

so need to come back and read your post...but was in a hurry, and just wanted to thank you for the oh so sweet card to start with. how sweet are you...and oh how we are being carried by the prayers of our wonderful friends and family.

Aspiemom said...

Thanks for sharing so honestly and openly, Wendi. I think we've all been there and we all need God's help so we can be more like Him.

I baked two pumpkins last night, too. I should blog about it because it was a very unusual experience, altho not because I haven't used "real" pumpking before.

BTW, the BEST pumpkin to bake with is a neck pumpkin. They are amazing and you get so much out of them. They were everywhere in Lancaster Co, PA, but now that we've moved to GA I can't find them.

Cindy said...

Well, for me, my dear friend, it has not been a weekend of grummpiness but a weekend of utter depression. I don't know what gets into me some times but this is ugly to the point of making foolish choices with my life ugly.

Anyway, you are human and as a mom who has raised a very special child, I understand what some days can be like. You just put one foot in front of the other and move but you don't really want to.

This season will pass and God will reveal all the wisdom you need to parent well. From what I can glean from your posts, you are a fabulous mom and just had a bad weekend. It's not the end of the world. We all have bad days but then God shows us how to handle things differently the next time. He's funny that way!

I'll be praying for you ~ but know that God is walking with you.

Blessings, Cindy

Angie said...

I'm with you, Wendi. I have often wondered why I am the mommy because I know so many others could do a better job. I remember last year crying and thinking all these thoughts like, "who do I think I am, trying to raise these kids and homeschool them? I can't do anything right!" and then I realized those were lies straight from Satan himself. Praying for you - those bad days can be so bad. Pumpkin pie from a real pumpkin is a huge deal, by the way! :)

Noah and Ryders Mommy said...

I think everyone has days where the grumpies seem to just take over. Every day is a new day my dear. Maybe tomorrow you can dust it all under the rug, get up happy and find the happiness and joy in every little thing. Even if it's toys in the floor, telling you that you have adorable little boys who are able to play with them and make noise :D Find things that you are thankful for and I promise a smile will arise. The cause for that grumpiness will hopefully wither away..
Hope your day is better and enjoy that delicous looking pie :D

Ashley said...

Don't be discouraged...we ALL fail most of the time. That's why we need a Saviour:)
I know what you're saying about the pride thing. God's really been stretching/breaking me in that area. It's been really rough, but I'm finally starting to see how much my pride gets in the way of me trusting Him COMPLETELY. It's really been hitting me that the more I just rely on Him, the more He can be glorified through me. It's a hard lesson, but I'm finally starting to see more clearly and be able to appreciate the struggles.
Psalm 25:15 & 27:14 :)

Aminta said...

Seriously Wendi, I feel this all of the time. And I even sometimes wonder if Peter feels like he could do a better job at mothering then I do. It is painful to have to look at our own flesh. And you of all people should see that you truly are a wonderful mother. That you have been faced with challenges that most woman have not, nor will not face. And coming away from that a real steady and sweet HUMAN. Why I capitalized human, was because you cannot be so hard on yourself for being imperfect. You know that Christ is the ONLY perfect person to have walked this earth. So I encourage you to understand and accept the fact that God is calling you to except your imperfections and to relie on Him to complete the work He started in you.
I just wish you could see what He (and I too!!) sees.
Loves to you dear friend!
Aminta

BaronessBlack said...

Welcome to the neighbourhood, honey!All the Mums are here!

This much I know:
Your spritual source will sustain you!
Anything worth having is worth fighting for!
You take back your power when you admit your mistakes. Then whatever anyone else says, you said it first!
Lovely pies! Have you tried spiced pumpkin waffles??

Elizabeth said...

a sense of grumpiness is hovering around me RIGHT NOW also. i am trying to keep it at bay...and my only ammunition is that yesterday i read that my cup cannot be full from my husband and my child...that it can only be filled and stay full and even overflow b/c of God. that the more i expect it to be otherwise the more grumpy i am.

mamachristina said...

you're pies look great.
We all have times when we just feel grumpie and thats okay as long as we keep it in perspective, it makes us normal. thank goodness we have God on our side to get us through.

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

OK, Betty Crocker Super-mom, stop with the pie-baking and come over to my blog and pick up a little award I left for you. :)

Jules from "The Roost" said...

Oh the pains of growing in our faith! You are being honest and that is a good thing! Read what Paul says in Romans 7:14-25. that always helps me sift through my struggles! :)
The pies have convinced me I can make one from scratch too :)

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

I can't wrap my mind around even making a pie...let alone one from an actual pumpkin! Way to go!

Sara@ Butterville said...

There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said in these other comments. Except that I HEAR you. We all go through this. We all need to be heard. And we all need to lift one another up when she is feeling weak or down. So I lift you UP sister. And Praise be to God that he fills our hearts with Peace and showers us in his Mercy!

Growin' with it! said...

i bet every mom that reads this (like me) feels like they are reading their very own words. so, today is monday and i hope the start of a new week has changed everything around for ya! hang in there. you are obviously SO NOT ALONE!!!

Lena said...

Hi Wendi,
Don't believe the lie that you are inadequate as a mother. God uses our inadequacies to show reveal his power and glory- Admitting what you did is humble and God will use that.

I totally understand, Being a mother is quite honestly the hardest challenge I have ever faced in my life- it is never ending and non stop with very little breaks. It's just plain hard!

When things are hard I listen to this song and remind myself that a time will come when I will miss this stage of my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vG9XfJxMY8A

I hope I was some encouragement to you! I will pray for you

Rachelle said...

Great blog! Great post! We sang Amazing Grace/My chains are gone at church this weekend...such a freeing song...The pies look great!

Lisa said...

oh dear, a grumpy mood can be so hard to fight off sometimes - and nothing is worse then it taking over on the weekend....

but pie always makes things better, huh?!?!
Hoping today is better.....

Rachel said...

Wow, you put so eloquently into words things I feel every single day!

You're not alone, we all feel like that sometimes. But more importantly you're not alone because Jesus is walking with you (which you already know, obviously, from the beautiful summation of this post).

Thank you for the reminder and encouragement to put those thoughts and feelings behind us and to keep our eyes focused on the author of our faith. I need this reminder on a daily basis.

Jenn said...

As mothers we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect. Then when we drop the ball we berate ourselves.
I love my children, but like you have barked at them. Even to the point of making them cry. I then am loaded with guilt in my actions. You are not alone in this. If us moms were honest with one another, I think you would see all of us going through similiar experience as you had this weekend.
Thanks for your honesty!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Once again I feel like you've entered into my brain and expressed all that has been swirling around in there lately. The miscommunication, the grumpiness, the poor time management...yes ma'am. I'm right there with you. And sometimes, even though I know the right thing to do, I don't WANT to do it! Even though I know I'll be miserable until I do. All that to say, I hear you, I'm praying for you, and I greatly admire you for having the courage to express all of this...and to be vulnerable.

creative gal said...

THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE!! :o) Thanks for being open and sharing!

Katarina said...

I love your vulnerability and honesty. Just know Wendi that you are not alone in your struggles or feelings. We wouldn't need a Saviour if we didn't struggle and fall (again and again and again it sometimes seems). The important thing is that you are looking to God to help you out of the 'grumpies' and to help you prioritize thr truly important things in your life. I am praying for you my blogging friend.
p.s glad that you are o.k from hitting the deer.