Monday, September 22, 2008

 For the daddies who grieve

Most of you know of our experiences with grief. Grief is not a friend, but has been an uninvited caller who has swooped into our life and changed it. I must begrudgingly give homage to this process which we call grief. It is because of grief that the window from which I view my world is forever tinted with a new and unusual beauty. If you are not familiar with our story a good place to start would be checking out some of the buttons on the left (Specifically The Miracle of Hope after Losing a Child and The Miracle of Renewal after Miscarriage). When we lost J.D. in 2003, and then our baby B in June of this year, I went through a time where I was simply too weighed down by my own emotions to get past just that. Myself. My feelings. My loss. I don’t really feel bad about that, because frankly I think it is a normal step that has to be taken, especially in the life of a mother who has lost a child. If that grieving for self were to be nurtured and strung along indefinitely, problems would most assuredly arise. For a time though, a mommy must weep for her emptiness. I thank the Lord for the time he has given me to grieve, weep, reflect, and then begin again, with new perspectives and a changed focus. Never do I ‘get over’ a loss. Instead, I change, I grow, I reach out. I wrote this for my Dave. I wrote this for the daddies whom we have come along side of in the last few years as they have also experienced similar heartbreaks. I wrote this for a friend of ours who’s wound of loss is still infinitely raw. I wrote this for the countless fathers who at times may get overlooked in the grief process. When my fog began to lift after our two losses my eyes met those of one who grieved very differently than me, sometimes very silently, and yet ever so deeply nonetheless.
I am the daddy I lost a baby too You may not see my tears You may not know of my brokenness I am trying to hold my family together I’m trying to comfort Cook Clean Love Reassure Intervene Protect I am the daddy I patiently await wholeness in my family again In those quiet moments I too consider the “what might have been’s” I wipe tears from my face He was my son too I would have taken him fishing To little league and to the fair She was my daughter too I would’ve sung songs to her Twirled her above my head and indulged in princess tea parties I may grieve differently, for I did not carry this baby inside of my body But I carried this baby in my heart and mind I am the daddy I will always be the daddy I hold her hand while she stares out the window I hold her body while it shakes with sobs I quiet the household while she rests I love her with every fiber of my being It shatters me to be so helpless I want to take this pain away from her I want to shield her I want to see her smile again Oh God, show me what to do! Only you can bring the healing Dear God: You are the daddy You will always be the daddy You hold us while we weep You comfort us beyond human capabilities You are the ultimate healer You give us the gift of time You wipe away tears This was not your plan, but that of one who steals and destroys You grant us renewal You shower us with love You mercies are new every morning Great is YOUR faithfulness

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5

26 comments:

mamachristina said...

This is the sweetest poem. Only the heart could write these words.
I have missed reading up on your blog. Your little K is so cute in his suit.

Anne Elizabeth said...

That is absolutely beautiful!

Cindy said...

What a sweet and precious tribute to the daddy's. We often forget the daddy's. We focus so much on the mommy's. Thank you for sharing these gentle words.

dani said...

wendi, dave is so blessed to have a wife like you who can see past your own hurt to realize his...
God bless you both,
dani

Smilingsal said...

So sad. There are no words.

Lena said...

Wow Wendi that was beautiful! Thank you for sharing this... the pain is very real for moms but dad's often get forgotten- they need to grieve too.This really touched me- thank you for all the times your have encouraged me in my grief and loss- it mean much more than words can say!!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

That was one of the most beautiful and eloquent things you have ever written, Wendi. And the picture at the end sums up a Daddy's love so perfectly.

MoziEsmé said...

So heartwrenching and so true. The best post I've read in a while . . .

Hollie said...

That is so sweet. You did a great job on that. I have never thought about it that way.
HHH

Joy Abbott said...

What a wonderful way to let people know not to forget the daddies, when these hard times come.

Setala Family said...

*tears*. you have a way with words my friend. you have managed to convey the greif of a daddy through them. what a beautiful, stirring post.

Elizabeth said...

a very good reminder...thanks so much for sharing.

blessedwith5 said...

A Daddy's heart is SO PRECIOUS!

Thank you for sharing - it was beautiful!

Amanda said...

oh how incredibly touching wendi. what a heart you have...what sensitivity...what a willingness to share.

Tonya said...

I'm crying. That was a beautiful poem. I'm sure that is what my husband felt when we lost our baby 4 years ago.

blessedwith5 said...

Your comment on my blog - algebra definitely messes with your mind!

Once again thanks for writing and posting such a lovely poem!

creative gal said...

This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing.

Aspiemom said...

That is very beautiful!

Stacey said...

Wow...

that's all I can say as I'm crying over your post.

Wow...

Lisa said...

Dave is so so blessed to have you as his partner! It is so easy to get so caught up in our own feelings and forget that are hubbys are suffering too - something I need to be more aware of!!!

Thank you for the reminder and the beautifyul poem!
Love to you, sweet girl...

jennifer@love,laughter,and lyrics said...

So - I could only read the first half of this post before sobbing uncontrollably.

I love this. Beautiful, beautiful.

I think I'll reread it when I'm not pregnant.

Genny said...

Wendi,
This made me CRY. So beautiful. I love how you acknowledge your husband's feelings...I think we as women find it so much easier to express how we are feeling and reach out, but it is harder for me. I'm so glad I stopped by today, and I'm inspired by your faith and strenght and love. Thank you!

Aminta said...

Wendi,
You always have a way of making me cry. When I read this poem, it reminded me of someone very dear to me who lost her baby dear, and I lost my niece/nephew, but that daddy who so looked forward to the little precence too..... it is a loss that no one can understand for it feels different to each. But that does not mean comfort is not sought and found in arms of non-understading/understanding. Thank you for being such a beautiful and open woman. I am sure that your words have touched many and will continue to do so.
Thank you for the sweet comments on my blog! I am glad to find a friend in you.
Loves,
Aminta
GOD BLESS YOU!

Aminta said...

Oh yes! I forgot! We too are doing the remodeling debt free! We have are doing well, God has really blessed us in this area of our lives. We only owe a small portion on our house (if we do regular payments instead of doubling them-we will be done in 7 years) and we are going to sell the vehical that we owe on before winter (Lord willing!). I am so happy that God laid this on my hubbys heart so strongly, it makes life harder AND easier!
Loves to you!
Aminta
P.S. So glad to find a like-minded heart in you!

Chelle said...

This touched me so deeply. It is bittersweet. My husband has been here. And how true are your precious words showing that Daddy's grieve too. But I think you're Dave is so very lucky to have such a beautiful Jesus loving,understanding wife.

Thank you for your sharing your amazing heart and with such sweet openess.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Such beautiful words, Wendi. Really, really amazing.