Most of you know of our experiences with grief. Grief is not a friend, but has been an uninvited caller who has swooped into our life and changed it. I must begrudgingly give homage to this process which we call grief. It is because of grief that the window from which I view my world is forever tinted with a new and unusual beauty. If you are not familiar with our story a good place to start would be checking out some of the buttons on the left (Specifically The Miracle of Hope after Losing a Child and The Miracle of Renewal after Miscarriage). When we lost J.D. in 2003, and then our baby B in June of this year, I went through a time where I was simply too weighed down by my own emotions to get past just that. Myself. My feelings. My loss. I don’t really feel bad about that, because frankly I think it is a normal step that has to be taken, especially in the life of a mother who has lost a child. If that grieving for self were to be nurtured and strung along indefinitely, problems would most assuredly arise. For a time though, a mommy must weep for her emptiness. I thank the Lord for the time he has given me to grieve, weep, reflect, and then begin again, with new perspectives and a changed focus. Never do I ‘get over’ a loss. Instead, I change, I grow, I reach out. I wrote this for my Dave. I wrote this for the daddies whom we have come along side of in the last few years as they have also experienced similar heartbreaks. I wrote this for a friend of ours who’s wound of loss is still infinitely raw. I wrote this for the countless fathers who at times may get overlooked in the grief process. When my fog began to lift after our two losses my eyes met those of one who grieved very differently than me, sometimes very silently, and yet ever so deeply nonetheless.
I am the daddy I lost a baby too You may not see my tears You may not know of my brokenness I am trying to hold my family together I’m trying to comfort Cook Clean Love Reassure Intervene Protect I am the daddy I patiently await wholeness in my family again In those quiet moments I too consider the “what might have been’s” I wipe tears from my face He was my son too I would have taken him fishing To little league and to the fair She was my daughter too I would’ve sung songs to her Twirled her above my head and indulged in princess tea parties I may grieve differently, for I did not carry this baby inside of my body But I carried this baby in my heart and mind I am the daddy I will always be the daddy I hold her hand while she stares out the window I hold her body while it shakes with sobs I quiet the household while she rests I love her with every fiber of my being It shatters me to be so helpless I want to take this pain away from her I want to shield her I want to see her smile again Oh God, show me what to do! Only you can bring the healing Dear God: You are the daddy You will always be the daddy You hold us while we weep You comfort us beyond human capabilities You are the ultimate healer You give us the gift of time You wipe away tears This was not your plan, but that of one who steals and destroys You grant us renewal You shower us with love You mercies are new every morning Great is YOUR faithfulness
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5