And then 18 years passed

 I can't believe I made it.  

I made it through your entire childhood.

In two weeks we will celebrate 18 years since you and your brother's untimely entrance into the world. You two would very likely be completely hilarious together.  We will forever think of you as we celebrate Caleb's milestones. Eighteen whole years! 

Of course, at the time I could not even begin to imagine making it through 18 entire years. 

I didn't even think I would be able to open my eyes again, let alone breathe. 

The light felt like it would shatter my eyes. 

I couldn't imagine feeling anything but numb at first. I didn't think it would ever end. 

I willed the tears to come, and they just would not. 

Until they did. At the most inopportune times.  And then they wouldn't stop. 

And then I couldn't imagine a time that seeing other people laugh wouldn't cause an immediate anger reaction. 

One foot in front of the other - seemed the only thing I could do. 

I felt the hardness in my heart. One of the strongest temptations towards cowardice. 

Let it harden you.  

Death and shock and disappointment in my life. It would've been too easy to let this thick darkness slither its way around my heart. I felt it in a tangible way.  

This is how I know there is a God and He loves me.  

He gave me a way out. 

 I had to take it - reaching out a limp and shaking hand to take hold of real living.   

I could never forget the horror of what it feels like to hold a body without a soul. It's engrained on me in a way that can not be removed. You branded me and scarred me with love. 

And now I live softer.  18 years of choosing soft. Not a weak soft, although often it sure can feel that way, but a soft open heart.  Open hands. 

I'm not whole, but I know I will be - someday.  I can still feel poison swirling around me and within me.  I am a broken human. But the prominent presence surging within me is not me at all, but the presence of God. He indwells me with everything that is good.  I feel shrapnel residing in my heart. But it shares space with hope. 

I'm honored to have space in my heart just for you.  I have spent every bit of this 18 years loving you intensely.  And letting that love compel me to be better.  I fought for that. 

I never thought I would find the seeds of creativity within me again. 

I never thought I would feel delight in anything.

I never thought a sweet fresh from heaven baby would completely claim my love again.

I never thought I would see beauty in the mundane.

I never thought I would find great satisfaction in a hundred other things in life. 

I never thought the sunset would set my heart on fire again.

I never thought the sacredness of music would move me.

I never thought the loveliness of holidays and milestones would bring surges of joy.

But those are things God placed within me when he created me.  They don't go away unless my soul leaves my body. They may have been dormant for a while.  But in choosing life, I choose to nurture them again.  Warm winds of change blew across my soul.  Deep waters of staying close to God and his Living and Active Word poured into the trenches of disappointment.  And the things that I love bloomed every year - a little more and more. 

By the grace of God I am not at a place where I deeply grieve the fact that I missed all but 10 days of your childhood.  I see you as a true stepping stone in my life.  In these 18 years the fear, distrust, trauma, and anxiety poured in. That is some of the shrapnel.  These elements still remain, somewhat.  They will show their ugliness, from time to time in greater measure than others. But the growth came when I looked them square in the eye, named them, and told them they didn't have control of me.  

No, they're not gone.  But I choose love.  I choose God.  I choose joy. I choose believing in all the good I sometimes can not see. 

I choose to love you with every bit of my mama heart and not let losing you make me hard. 

{Pearls}

"Oysters make pearls in response to an irritant, such as a grain of sand or another object. When any irritant makes its way between the mollusk's shell and mantle, the creature produces nacre, a protective coating that helps reduce irritation.  Nacre is also referred to as mother-of-pearl; it's made of microscopic crystals of calcium carbonate, and it also lines the interior of a mollusk's shell.

Layers of nacre coat the irritant, eventually forming an iridescent gem (the pearl).

The only difference between naturally developed pearls and cultured pearls is that a pearl farmer embeds an irritant between the shell and the mantle by cutting into the mollusk's tissues.  With freshwater pearls, irritants do not need to be introduced; simply cutting the oyster's soft tissues is enough to begin the pearl-making process.

Some pearls can develop in a period of six months. Larger pearls can take up to four years to develop."

Americanpearl.com

Have you ever really sat and thought about this? I mean, yeah - it seems pretty much as cliche as it gets. I can just hear some  responsible leader figure type, spouting off the significance of irritations helping us to grow...

But really, let's think about this for a minute.  No one really tells an oyster what's going to happen in this process, or that this is even a thing.  Mama oyster isn't like, "Ok, so we have this thing - where every now and then something irritating may get lodged into our shell....but something beautiful is created in the process.  Trust the process,  just stick it out!"  - I mean, this just happens,  right?  It's another amazing thing we can credit our Creator for.  This process of pain and beauty.  It's his thing.  He really excels at that. 

Guess what?  I have irritations in my life. ;)  Oh man.  I know I've been kind of silent on here lately, but life is full and beautiful and boy can it be irritating too. It's hard, you guys.  Every single one you can attest to that.  

I've just really been camped out here on this pearl thought lately though.  I want to filter the hard in my life through this thought process.  That God is making beauty form from my irritations - if/when I handle them well, trust him with the process, don't fight it, don't try to fling the irritation out.  You know my default instinct, right? Pain -Bad! Get it out! Make it go away! -  What would we miss out on if oysters did that?  A pearl seems so unique,  so pure,  so priceless.  To think, that all starts with an irritation!  Something that "gets under our skin". 

I believe that there are times God sees our potential and our endurance, through His own strength,  so much more clearly than we do and he may even cause a freshwater pearl experience to manufacture beauty we didn't know we contained. His beauty.  {cutting back soft tissue, or even introducing an irritant to begin the pearl making process}


What do we do with this kind of thinking?  Do we serve a God who would get kicks out of irritating us?  Is it a game?  

No and No.  First of all -  this life?  It's not about us.  We were created to bring honor and glory to God, and for his pleasure!  He knows the beginning  He knows the process we must go through to bring beauty from ashes, He knows the glorious end result.  

In my life it's coming down to this simple truth.  Believe Him.  

Believe that He is good, that He sees what I can't see.  Believe that He would NOT introduce or allow any irritation, any pain, any kind of discomfort just to see us struggle.  Because he is good,  he allows things for OUR good, and the ultimate good of His Kingdom.  

When you aren't living your life just for yourself you can glimpse it.  Glimpse the beauty of the pearl.  The beauty of trusting the process.  The beauty of letting go and allowing God's plan to play out in your life.  

I'm breathing deeply and letting this sink in.  Friends, it's my goal to trust God when tough stuff embeds itself in my life.  *Exhale* 

Let it lay there.


Let it be.

No panic.

No digging at it to fling it out.

Let

            it
                           lie there.


{Some pearls can develop in a period of six months. Larger pearls can take up to four years to develop}


Ouch.  My fingers tap the keyboard and anxiety creeps in just forming the words.  Of letting pain lie.  Leaving it.  Trusting the process.  Not running from it frantically.  Not cramming a million other things in to drown it out. 

But just *be* with the pain. 

{the creature produces nacre, a protective coating that helps reduce irritation.  Nacre is also referred to as mother-of-pearl; it's made of microscopic crystals of calcium carbonate, and it also lines the interior of a mollusk's shell.

Layers of nacre coat the irritant, eventually forming an iridescent gem (the pearl)}

Don't fling it out - let the natural process happen.  There is a "protective coating" - even as the irritant stays there.  How cool is that?  The protective coating eases the pain.  It's *part* of the formation of the pearl.  

I want to produce beauty in this life.  I want to be an example to my precious boys of enduring, of sticking with the process, of trusting God, believing Him in what he allows.  

The dress

I came across this dress in my closet the other day.  It was actually packed away in a bin and shoved behind all of my current dresses.

But oh my - the memories this dress brought up in my mind!

This was my "honeymoon dress"

16 Marches ago my sister and I went shopping for my Florida wardrobe.  I couldn't wait.  It seemed like a dream.

One big, beautiful, surreal dream coming true. 

I had just turned 20 and there I was,  laughing with my sister and carefully choosing through aisles of dresses for my honeymoon dress.  Of course I would bring a few dresses - and lots of beach clothes, but I wanted one very special dress.

This one was it.

I bought it and carefully folded it, packing it away in my suitcase.

Dave and I had this crazy, whirlwind, long distance relationship.  Since we lived 500 miles apart and only knew each other for about 8 months before we got married {all the gasps} we really hadn't had that many dates.  I knew this dress would be worn for a very special date.

You guys know my story of ups and downs.  I have never wanted to be fake in what I share.  It's been a hard 15 years in many aspects.  But you know what?  When I pulled this dress out I couldn't stop the grin.  Because I wouldn't change this.

I wouldn't change that innocent girl who had only been on about a dozen dates with the man who she was about to marry.  I wouldn't change our crazy story.  It's almost unthinkable to me, in retrospect, what we actually did.  -And that my parents let us! ;)  But God was writing our story even back then.  No part of it is insignificant.

We knew that we wanted to be married and have a life long commitment before we had a physical relationship; before we settled down.  And we wanted a physical relationship and to settle down. ;) We both held very traditional values and desired to have a home and family.  So we got married after a few months. We knew our commitment to God and to each other was for life no.matter.what.

So all of the betters and worses that came at us, this young couple who had so much to learn about one another, in all directions? - They would hit us hard, but they could not knock us down. 

I love us.  I love our story.  I love our great big God and how magnified He has become in our struggles and weaknesses.  We have a good thing.  A really, really good thing.

This is me in that dress, on that honeymoon, with that guy, who had hair. ;)

It was just as I had imagined.  We were married, and could finally spend all of our days together instead of our limited monthly long distance travel to see one another for a weekend.

It had rained that day but a beautiful sunny Florida warmth still permeated everything.  Our waitress sat us outside on a patio surrounded by twinkly lights.  I remember it was nearly dusk, so those white lights glowed in a really beautiful way.

And life was good.

I'm so glad I still have the dress.  Because pulling it out and having the rush of memories fills my heart.  I feel like right now we are literally on a tread mill of life - just keep running, running, running....
And I need these reminders of all the amazing things God has done in our lives.

You know what?  I may just put this dress on this Thursday.  Fifteen years you guys! Wow.  So hard to believe.  If it's not snowing, I am totally wearing this dress when we celebrate our anniversary.  No Florida this year - just good ol' Jackson, MI.  :) Jackson, MI with the man I love and a story I wouldn't trade for all of the happily ever afters in the world.

{Happy 6}

Dear Malachi,

As is my annual tradition, I am writing your birthday letter.  Yes, your birthday was three weeks ago.  And what a three weeks it has been for you.

{Deep breath}

I think perhaps my busyness and inability to string three sentences together on your actual birthday was divinely appointed, because NOW - well, now I think the sentences will flow more coherently.  This birthday letter was meant to be written today. It's not late.

It's time right now to talk to you about how brave you are and how wonderful these six years have been.

Someday you will look back on the week you turned six and all of these memories will come back to you.  Turning six was fun and festive.  You love everything about birthdays, so taking cupcakes to your kindergarten class, having "birthday punch" at awana, and going to Build-a-Bear with Grandma were all reasons for that huge grin you wore daily.

And then the next week happened.

Your first broken bone.  You don't do things half way and everything is done with gusto and enthusiasm.  So, obviously you would not break a bone delicately, right?

It's that call no parent wants to get from the school.  Your daddy got it and he lovingly cared for you through the ER visit and the re-setting of your two arm bones.  You may or may not remember all of this.... but rest assured you impressed all who came in contact with you.  You took it all in stride. Quietly and pensively, but never breaking down.

I have often heard it said that a parent would take a child's pain onto themselves if possible. Sometimes it has been said in a cliche form.  Of course I know it is a truth. My heart-ties to your brothers have already shown me there's no question about it.  Anyone who has nurtured in a motherly way - whether it is through mentoring, fostering, adoption, or giving birth, knows this instinctively. We would take the pain. 

This morning I held your body and cradled your little head as you woke up from your second round of anesthesia after your second round of setting those uncooperative arm bones.  And as you whimpered and squirmed, tried not to cry,  and told me that your arm hurt and you just wanted to go home I would have broken every bone in my body to heal yours. 

Dear Malachi, there are a million things I could write in your sixth birthday letter.  I could write about your stubborn will,  your perfect giggle,  your ability to get adoring attention everywhere you go,  your already impressive work ethic,  your endless chatting,  your crazy bully-ish streak,  your deep questions, and even your sparkling eyes - but I just have to pause here and write this one thing.

When I held you this morning all I could wrap my mind around was that God loves you more than I love you.  And that thought was nearly unfathomable to me.  But that feeling - the thought that I would break all my bones and break my body for your healing was enough to keep what God has already done for your precious little self, and mine, in the forefront of my mind.

He created you for some incredible things.  By His wounds you have been healed.  Don't ever forget that littlest man.  You bring so much joy to this family.  We are celebrating you and hurting with you, taking care of you, and praying that physical healing of that arm happens so very soon.

And mostly -  We are so beyond thrilled to see evidence of God himself working in your young life. There's no greater joy.

Happy six, dear one.

~Mama

Life at the beginning of 2014

I thought it was perhaps time for a loosely informative, more free writing type post from over here.  How's that for a preface? *smile*

2014. It's good. I don't make resolutions, per se, but I do have vision. I am a girl full of dreams and desires of betterment.

Can I say though - I am also a girl who has struggled greatly with discipline in the past. I will start out strong, full speed ahead (All The Excitement. All The Good Intentions)…and generally find myself on the up-climb of some steep hill, sputtering out a few, "I think I can's" - but pretty much deciding in my heart that "I know I can't".

But Jesus.  He lives in me. He is strong in me. And that has never been more clear than in the last 6 months. On those inclines, where the Wendi of the past shuts her eyes, and coasts back down (oh so many times), I am now grabbing on to something bigger than myself, and I'm moving upward. So slowly, but forward motion is being made.

2014 - no more coasting backwards. I'm not pretending that doesn't mean sometimes simply standing firm, yet standing still.
But not backwards.

This is proving true with:
Eating
Exercise
Home organization and basic management
Time management
Patience in parenting
Marriage
Teaching
Ministry

I'm feeling some freedom here guys, and that's huge! It's a different kind of freedom than you might think. It's a freedom through discipline and through dependence. Kind of takes some time to wrap your mind around that one.


I'm not going to rant about the cold.
I'm not going to rant about the cold.
Hey - guess what? I'm not going to rant about the cold. ;) I have never really minded winter. I love the beauty of the snow. I have however never been a huge fan of cold. I feel like I am cold 3/4 of the year. :) I am, at this moment, in flannel jammies AND wrapped in a fleece blanket. So yep, this is me not ranting. Silver lining: Twenty degrees (you know, above that little "zero" mark) is so very tolerable.



I'm currently grappling with a barrage of thoughts on what it means to reflect Christ well. These thoughts are longing to be written, and threatening to become a word avalanche I am afraid, but are extremely unorganized as of yet. My heart is still in the truth seeking phase.

I'm going to go out on a limb and jot down some of the essence of those thoughts. As already written though, remember - unorganized and still seeking. 

Thoughts about our "rights" - real and perceived.
They are thoughts on obedience and grace.
What that means, and really - what it DOESN'T mean, that many say it DOES mean.
Um, so that's clear as mud, right?! ;)

Thoughts about the air of entitlement that seems to permeate the American culture. And the Christian culture.  
About being peacemakers,
being gentle,
honoring other's,
loving deeply

…and not being tolerant (by the worlds standards),
lukewarm,
or fickle.

About standing firm on truth.
About refusing to elevate myself based on personal convictions and choices.
Reaching past comfort.
Engaging our culture.
Allowing my heart to break and my hands to get dirty for the Kingdom of Christ.

So, it's alot. There is a slight possibility that my darling husband has had an ear full and maybe even lost out on some highly valuable sleep (his alarm still sounds at 4 am…) due to this mental piecing together that I am in the middle of… (he's wonderful).



I am presently fulfilling commitments, but looking to a time when my schedule will look very different than it does right now.  Around the time that the snow begins to melt, some of my commitments will as well. I am pouring myself into them while it is still cold, for sure. But I know that God's call is falling on some different areas, and that soon…. soon it will be different. Not necessarily less - but more focused and different.  I'm not going to go into these changes much, yet, because nothing is written in stone. When I know a few more details - I'm sure there will be much to say. What I am sure of is this: There will be leading and teaching from God's Word. I will have opportunities to pour into lives, and that makes me infinitely excited!



I have been booking 2014 weddings, and ever so grateful that God has continually brought these my way. One of the best compliments that I have consistently heard from potential brides is that they saw my work, felt my style, and chose me based on how obviously the images reflect my love for what I do. Yes. Goal met. :)


Friends, grab a fleece blanket, some hot chocolate (do not even think about leaving out tons of marshmallows), and just stand firm on this up-climb. It won't last forever. ;)

Be a door with me in 2014

There's this song, and in its profound simplicity -

it is my heart. 

My heart for 2014.


There's a line in it that brings tears to my eyes every time.

"…God put a million, million doors in the world
For His love to walk through
One of those doors is you…"

His love is alive in this world, right now, through us. 
I want to represent Jesus well this new year.

On Christmas Eve I was singing one of my all time favorite Christmas Carols. I felt so moved, almost in grief, as I sang these words,

"Truly He taught us to love one another, 

His law is love and His gospel is peace. "

Because, really? I don't think we have that love one another thing down any better than we understand His gospel of peace. 

And I can't change the world but this year, in 2014, I'm going to be that door. 

One of the million million.

May His love flow through us easily this year, friends.

And oh, if you think that you are too

young/old/uneducated/
simple/fearful/inadequate
busy/unequipped/poor

to be one of the doors that His love can walk through -

well, I've been there done that (yes to all of them).

And His incarnation, death, and resurrection changed that game. It's a complete game changer, so erase all of the labels you put next to your name and just write "door".

One of the million million.

Let's do this.

To obey

I only have a few minutes (story of my life), but really want to get a post tapped out here. One that has been ruminating in my mind for months.

It's not easy to get all of these words to cohesively reflect what is in my heart.  In fact, I pretty much already know that parts of this will be highly misunderstood. I guess I am at a point where I know that I need to put this stake in the ground, and write it out for me, so if it is misunderstood by some, I can deal with that.

There are things that I can't read any more. Or watch. Or even just glance at.

Strange, huh? :)

I fight this tension. A pull towards wanting to mindlessly follow rules, so that I know I am doing the right thing, while not feeling the pain of molding my heart around great things.

And then, the inverse of that, a drive to just flippantly throw off caution and boundaries.

Do you get that? Do you ever feel the opposing forces playing games with your mind?

I am prefacing what I have to say today with these thoughts on inner turmoil because I need it to be known that nothing about the changes coming about in my heart have to do with rule keeping or mindless legalism.

Not even a little bit.

And that is what is exciting to me! Because of my tendencies towards those things, I know the changes are of a supernatural nature.

So what is it I can't participate in? Look at? Think about?

Anything that takes my mind away from an eternal perspective.

Anything. 


God is defining that in really specific ways. It's hard sometimes. I want to be "in the know", just like everyone else. But, I am hearing "no" in some areas that I can't ignore.

We are all on different journeys. I do not believe that many of the things I have to turn away from are things that my friends or family have to turn away from. Some very well may be. But this is my journey, and I am condemning no one. Just surrendering my heart to the FREEDOM of obedience.

For me? - I believe the Bible is absolute truth. I believe that we are called to be holy as Christ is holy. I believe that if we take a stand, and proclaim to believe something as truth, and then sit and let drama play before our eyes, and enter our hearts (it goes there automatically, you know) that glamorizes and effectively idolizes that which we are taking a stand against (!) , we are choosing to be lukewarm, and accepting mediocre, at the very least.

I feel the tension. I want to enter into the conversations. So, who does the Bachelor choose??? What tips were in the Glamor magazine? Surely a little chill out time with a glass of iced tea and "harmless" magazine is fine! After all - I am a busy mom! I need "me" time.

Mindlessly plopping down in front of the TV after a long day… Appealing? You bet! Goodness, there are days when I so want to turn my mind off. Just for a second, lay it all down.

But for what? To waste a few precious hours of this life that is but a vapor anyway?!

I can't.

That statement is becoming more an more literal.

As in, my stomach churns and my mind feels off. I get antsy and uncomfortable. I feel stifled and restless.

If I talk to young girls about purity, healthy relationships, and God's design for us in these things - and then go home and watch all kinds of immorality play out on Grey's anatomy, or the Bachelor, or take my fill of reading Fifty Shades of Grey (great article on that subject here), I am the worst hypocrite there is!

Gahhhh! I know that haters are gonna hate. Because I just came out and named names. Yep. I did. And I wasn't gonna, but I did.

I know the pull towards these things. I know the justification too. You aren't really doing the things you are watching right? Right?!

But you know that thing about thinking it in your mind being equivalent to doing it? Yeah, that is in the Bible. Which I have declared to the world as being absolute truth.

I can not have both (that's in there too, if you wondered).

I've seen the shows, even been hooked a time or two. I've been the chief-est of justifiers. I've been hypocritical and inconsistent. I have not walked my talk.

But this change is so freeing. It may not be perceived as such, just by reading my words, but if you could look in my eyes…


Guys, I don't know how all of this is translating. It's hard when you can't see body language, facial expressions, etc. These are just plain black words on a white screen. But my heart is just reaching for Jesus. That's all. It is so much simpler than some try to make it. It's just about Jesus. I just want more Jesus.


PS - when you pray to have the mind of Christ, a heart like His, and to see things through His eyes, be ready. 

Easter in my heart

We're here and we are being a family and the minutes are full.

We have extra-special-Dave-breakfast on the weekends. Especially on long weekends like this one. He pampers us.

It's sun-shiny out so he is out. I love the springtime Dave with a little extra special, heart flip flopping love. Because he suddenly looks like a little boy {quite alot like a few little boys I am pretty close to}. He absolutely adores being out in the yard engaged in a bunch of different projects. -And we do have plenty to keep that little boy busy for just as long as he fancies.

I look at the grass that is turning more and more green each day {thankfulness} and it screams of redemption, beauty, all things becoming new and thriving and right again.

And that is where I am at. No big theological moments of clarity ready to pour out on the blog on this the most sacred and wonderful of holidays. No eloquence, weaving scripture and new discoveries. It's there; the Scripture pieces speaking to me, the light bulb moments. But mostly this year, this day, this Easter weekend - it's in the subtle every day.

We built things with blocks this morning. They wanted to me ohhh and ahhh over their creations. They wanted me to take pictures. They wanted to know they were good and admired and treasured. 

And these moments are when I hear it: "You are good {only because I have made you good} and you are treasured, and you are redeemed. Why would I have traded my life for every bad thing you ever thought/planned/carried out if I didn't love you infinitely?"

See, it's quiet, but it's powerful and it is a part of the seconds that tick through my day.

Doing laundry.

Washing clean...

Kissing boo-boos.

Making it all better...

Looking forward to egg decorating and hunts filled with discovery.

Look forward with great anticipation... discover me...

Going to a wedding shower.

You are the bride of Christ. Don't ever lose that glow...

Drawing me closer.

My heart feels dancy and light.

Being a part of this plan of redemption feels really big and wonderful.

As we participate in church services and reflect on the importance of the cross this weekend I feel wooed by the One we are celebrating. Like He is inviting me to see the bigger picture and cooperate with him in something really worth while.

Beyond the manger

So much flurry around (in a figurative and literal sense).

I feel like an hour after the leftover turkey and trimmings were put into the refrigerator we were thrust into the "Christmas" season.

Four days after Thanksgiving was our kindergarten Christmas program. Christmas parties and events are soon to ensue. And I love them. I really, really do. I have always loved the festive atmosphere of Christmas time.

But this year... I don't know. My heart is burdened.

There were years,during my childhood, when I didn't understand why we always went away to a cabin at Christmas time. Just our family, away from the hustle and bustle of Christmas. Some of my favorite memories were during those simple family vacations, but I have to say, as I got older, there were times I missed  having the Christmas that my friends talked about.

And I just didn't get it. What were my parents doing? Why were we so different?

I think I get it now.

There's this tug at my heart. I want my boys to see past everything that is in their faces right now.


Dear K, Jay, Noe, and Kai,

How can I counteract the culture that is telling you this is the time that you can ask for {and get} everything your little hearts ever desired? Yes, we will present you with small gift. It is fun to look forward to something and to watch your faces light up with joy. It is good to teach you about giving as well as the joy of receiving.

But this season, this busy, crazy season, has become so meaningful to your mama. It isn't just because "it is more blessed to give than receive" and it isn't just because "it is the season of giving" and it is so much more than "about baby Jesus". 


I know you are all very young right now, but I pray, oh how I pray, that you will even go beyond those cliches of giving, however good they may be.


It is more than that.

Yes, we must desire to give. Yes, it is all about Jesus. But it is so beyond baby Jesus in a little manger.

It is about God becoming a man. Really try to feel that. God - who created everything, everything, entering our humanness. It's about crushing pain and feeling things so far below God status.


Oh please, please get this. 


There is an untidy side of Christmas. Get it.



His Life … Our Sins
Who is it we are
And how can it be?
He became a mere man
Next of kin, to redeem

What is this season
If not glitter and gold?
The dance of indulgence
Keeping up, getting more

Stop and be still
For a moment face silence
Enough is enough
Apathetic self-biased

Is it all sweet and pretty
Tied neat in a bow?
Sugar coating so thick
We can’t find the core

Enter the significance
Reach out, feel the ache
Shocking, cold humanity
Dreadful, dark, seeping pain,

Can you look at the ugly?
Search out the true reasons
Far surpassing the pageantry
That colors our season

A contradiction at birth
Creator resembling created
Pure, sinless, supreme
Tasting all that is tainted

Soon shrouded in sins
Of the most dreadful selection
Wrapping His innocence
In our own grave repulsion

Open wide your hands
Drop your fists full of greed
Look deep in your heart
Fall to your knees

Draped in perfection
Gone is your blame
He took it from you
Must you still grasp at stains?

This was his plan
His life for your sins
Born to complete
The most unbalanced exchange
Wendi - November, 2010

Who he was

I wasn’t particularly close to him in a social/emotional context, but on our family tree we were quite close.

My dad’s brother.

He was young, in his early 60’s.

He shared so many physical traits with my dad – and always reminded me of him in some ways.
 

I got the call Tuesday morning that he was gone. 

I started making lists of things to pack.

Change the oil in the van.

Transfer a few funds.

Rearrange our schedule, change appointments, clear the calendar for the next 5 days.

It just felt – final, If not immediately emotionally taxing.

I wondered about my dad.

I hadn’t spoken to him yet, and I just wanted him to be okay.

I thought about my aunt and my other uncle – the three siblings remaining of the four. What does it feel like? How do you process this?

 I tasked, and prepared, and packed, and mothered.

The 500+ mile trip back home took all of my thoughts and energy.

It wasn’t until the funeral that I had much time to think at all.

And then I had tears because I didn’t know.

I knew a man who reminded me of my dad.

A man who I saw only every few years.  

California and Iowa aren't exactly neighboring states. 

He was funny.

Teased me alot. 

And then, in the past several years, I just knew of unfortunate choices.

Disheartening consequences.

But when I heard their memories, spoken in front of the steely gray box cascading with lilies, I cried because he was so much more than what I knew.

He introduced them to Jesus when he was a young man, passionate and zealous to show his family the way.

He helped start a church. 

He reached out to the unlovely. 

He was human. 

He was kind. 

He was strong and feeble. 

He was sharp and nearly genius. 

He began the momentum on my parent's reconciliation after their divorce, before I was born.

Years and miles separated us and I didn't think he had a lot to do with me; who I was. 

It ends up he had everything to do with me.  My Jesus, My parents, My life. 


He is at peace. Whole and completely fulfilled right now.

Someday I will be too.

And part of the reason I will be ultimately eternally at peace is because of who he was.