Some 'splainin

You know that feeling of going through motions and doing, doing, doing?

And then you start to feel weird and realize you are kind of on auto pilot and you don't really "feel" a whole lot? But you keep doing, and you are efficient, somewhat organized, and getting things done?

 But still, just doing. Doing, doing, doing. It can be like a sickness sometimes.  Know that feeling? Maybe you do and maybe you do not.      

Maybe you have had to diagnose yourself with being exhausted, overbooked, and doing too much _ some of it for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe you haven't 

Last year I was doing alot. And I did most of it fairly well. So many things we accepted onto our plates. It looked kind of impossible and many people gave me cautionary advice.
"Watch it,
be careful,
these are all good things,
but don't
                do
                         too
                                      much…."

And I honestly told them that everything I was involved in had been prayed over and I had much peace about. It was pretty supernatural really.

Inspired.

Last year was.

I did it, I was supposed to do it, and I did it with energy and passion.

This year is not last year. 


Bam!  …and ouch.


I know. You were right. Hello friends. 

The kind of energy and passion with which I carried out what I was called to do last year was not the kind that could be sustained long term.

Apparently. 

My pride is taking a pretty enormous beating. But this is good. I know it is; The Admitting that I am very, very human.

I don't know. I guess I thought The Doing, and The Energy, and The Efficiency was my new way of life.
Hmmmph. 

I added a couple of very small things to my life this fall. I honestly did not think adding a couple of things would change anything. I thought that adding things and being able to do them well, in addition to All The Other Stuff was like a new Spiritual gift or something.

I know.

I know. 

I'm loopier than a box of fruit loops.

So, this is me in process of paring back. It's both refreshing and painful. It's a relief and kind of like cutting off an arm. So, yeah - that makes a ton of sense. 

I'm praying over my schedule, my commitments, my ministries, my passions, and really my whole life.

I've been asking God what needs to go, and the places he is pointing to are actually really surprising to me. I'm listening though. I'm really listening to Him. Previous to this revelation of Too Much I'm afraid I wasn't listening very closely, or at least I wasn't heeding what my heart knew He was saying.

For instance, last year Dave and I heard very clearly that it was our "year of yes". We dove in. He gave green lights all over the place. As the year wound down we saw some orange lights, and started to evaluate where we were at. After some prayer we felt as though God was giving us a new word.  No longer "yes", but "focus". The year of yes changed to our "year of focus". This would be the year we would find our handful of places to plug into ministry and focus on them.

Somehow my crazy mind started bending that concept and made it the yesfocus year.  Because, really, if I had done it for a year, surely it was just the way I was going to be able to function forever, so YES! I'll focus
             on
                      e v e r y t h i n g !!! Yes!

Only that crashed and burned last night on our front sidewalk in broken sobs telling Dave that I can't do it anymore.

Maybe some of it is hormones, maybe some of it is the fact that I'm getting over 3 weeks of bronchitis that really weakened me. Maybe it's the new fall time schedule and changes.

But mostly, just this…

Hi, my name is Wendi, and I can't do it all.

Embracing good

Those days happen.

Days when headaches hit mercilessly.

Simply functioning seems to be pushing it.

Questions hover. The same questions you thought were put to rest long ago.

The ride is going too fast and it is making you sick to your stomach.

You wonder who you really are. Underneath all of those layers. 

Layers of circumstance.

Layers of trying.

Striving for perfection and beyond.


But who are you?


And where did all this dirty laundry come from?

And who are all those small people calling you mama?

Where is your heart, and what truly matters?


Ever been there?

Yeah, God has been getting my attention in several different ways lately.

{Per my usual} I am learning so much. -And there is so much more that needs to be gleaned.


Making choices.

Choices to shed the layers.

Accept refreshment in the form of rest.

Loose control. Because I never had it in the first place, but I am addicted to the delusion that it is grasped tightly in my grip.

Breathe.

Be.

Let this golden sunlight of longer days whisper its promises of blooming and warmth.

Extradite the fear.

Open my eyes to vibrance and rarely noticed treasures.

Step back.

Realign.

Fill my lungs deeply with all that is good and beneficial.

Growing pains... exhilarating...stinging...wonderful.

Be gone - you are not my friend

It seems to stalk me wherever I go. Sometimes even sneaks stealthily into my dreams and my happiest moments. Most of the time you would never be able to tell that while I am talking to you I am constantly wondering what you are thinking of me. -If you understand me. -Humiliated that I pronounced that word wrong or couldn't find the perfect way to articulate what I wanted to say. -Afraid that some how, some time, in some way, my lack of knowledge and higher education will be uncovered by your accomplished enlightenment. -How many times I thought about not blogging one more word. It's from my heart - it breaks down too many walls. Puts my short comings out there too far. I have battled it for as long as I can remember. Insecurity. It comes and goes in streams of emotions, hormones, and circumstances. Some times a sweet and peaceful confidence edges it out. But never completely. Never fully. It is still there just lingering; waiting in a dormancy that is anything but gone. There have been real moments of victory. I have come too far to just regress in a moment of running back to it when no body is looking. But that is exactly the pattern I have fallen into. It has been there for years and I have tolerated it. Perhaps even gotten used to it on a comfort level. Worn it like an ugly overcoat. Accepted it as "just me". And the truth is I don't know me with out it. You see a smile and perhaps an extroverted facade. It's what you can't see that has slowly been eroding away the me that I was meant to be. Somewhere along the way I began mistaking humility for self deprecation. And in a cruel and strange twist of logic it has snowballed into the very opposite of all things humble. Tolerating this foe, which I have allowed in as if a friend, is not going to work for me anymore. This is not working at all anymore. The questioning. -Questioning my parenting. -Questioning every ounce of my worth. -Questioning what I have to offer. -Questioning his love... {and His love}. It doesn't just make me miserable - it affects so much more, and so many more, than just me. I'm not sure where to start. I can not begin to calculate the amount of time and effort it will take to daily (for sure, sometimes hourly) put on the assurance and courage that God intends for me. All I know is that last week when I began pondering the ministries that God has placed me in I felt one thing - only one thing - {Paralyzed} And I knew that this feeling, this disease, had overtaken far, far more than I had ever realized. I didn't mean to let it happen. And it can't continue. I am not writing this for anyone's assurances, or approval. Because that is the very thing that insecurity would motivate me to do. So much. And since I am in process of breaking it off with insecurity that is the last thing I need/want. My motivation for putting these thoughts into words on my blog is to document that today I really recognized the bitter pill that this is. And with God's help and accountability from people in my life I won't be taking it anymore.

The freedom to be imperfect

I'm not sure when it started because it's been a part of me for as long as I can remember. It has paralyzed me, rendered me ineffective, and robbed me of exciting experiences and relationships. It is the fear of trying something new. The unknown. What if I fail? Worse yet, what if I fail and some one observes this failure? What will they think? What kind of a reputation will I have? What if people find out that *gasp* I'm imperfect? I know, I know - that is where it got laughable. There should be no fear in something that is already obvious! :) We are all imperfect, and any one who has spent any amount of time with me knows that I can most definitely be included in that statement. Why is it so scary to be normal? Imperfect. I don't know all of the reasons, but I know that pride is at the root of so much of that fear. I have experienced alot of promptings in the past couple of years to leave some security blankets of comfort behind. To reach into the unknown and hold tightly to the hand of one who has promised to never let me go. Status: It is still a frequent struggle to have the faith needed to lay aside security, control, comfort, and the desire to have every one like me (stop laughing! - some of us take an unreasonable amount of time to learn things others get in elementary school)... and delve into the unfamiliar. I might fall on my face. I might realize I need to learn some stuff before I continue. I might encounter some people who just plain don't like me. Some one might see me with out make up. And that's okay. This is a very foreign train of thought for me. I am as insecure as the winter is long. But can I just tell you how amazing it is to allow God to urge me onto paths that show me how big He is and how capable I am through Him? This year I am going to:

Finally become comfortable driving a stick shift vehicle, and allow Dave to help with that Speak my mind when feeling the conviction of prompting, and not apologize for it Give myself more completely to the women I counsel at the crisis pregnancy center. Speak God's truth into their lives at all costs Work with teenagers at church Admit to my weaknesses and seek help where I need it Sew a dress Start writing a book Go deeper into God's Word Learn to play some sports (seriously, I so rarely have played any kind of sports that I'm pathetically freaked when I'm asked to join a game) Pursue some vocal training Sing alot Dance like crazy Be more consistent in my parenting Hug people often Eat sushi

Raise my hands during worship (oh yeah, my Baptist friends, you heard me - raise my hands!) Take all three boys out more (I can handle it, I can handle it...)

Have people over more

Give more

Read some classics

Be an encouraging cheer leader in Dave's journey through imperfection

Take some photagraphy classes

Spend time at a homeless shelter

Learn more about politics

Call people when they come to my mind

Let myself fail... and even look stupid

And so much more...so, so much more.

But at least I made pies...

Yesterday I took one of these and with it I made two of these. Can I just say it was super satisfying? I have never made a pumpkin pie where the main ingredient did not come from a can. It was a highlight of my weekend. Yes, you are correct; even though such a task can and should bring much gratification, weekend highlights usually consist of much more meaningful moments. I have a confession to make. I have been grumpy this weekend. This weekends grumpies were really just the culmination of several weeks where things have been off balance for me. I don't exactly know why. I do know that I have struggled greatly with time management and priorities. I also know that God has been whittling away at this daunting indignity in my life called pride. It is a necessary process but a very painful one. On the outset, all has been fine. I have had some wonderful days and very sweet moments. As a family we have begun to manage our time together a bit better. But as for my personal responsibility of time choices - not so much. It's hard to put into words, and I'm not even sure I want to. :) You know me and that evil called vulnerability. I'm not a fan. This weekend I have felt very agitated and restless. I have felt a sense of questioning, rebellion, and grief that I haven't felt in months. Things I thought I had put behind me. Added to those emotions have been my old foes insecurity, inadequacy, loneliness, and fear. I snapped at the boys countless times. At one point I thought of the video I posted on here a couple of weeks ago and all of the comments left for me that commended my patience with the boys. When I thought of those encouraging words I cringed inside. My head hung down in shame and I imagined a video being posted of my recent behavior. What would you all say then? You would see cryptic remarks, tired eyes, an unorganized home. That had become much more of the real me then the one you usually 'see'. I also thought of the most recent words I had lovingly put together in my 30 days to live post. I meant every word, but I wonder if you also know that there are days I don't want to do the right thing at all. There are days where I don't want to do this. This mothering which some days feels like I am talking to the wall. Coming up against a strong will which challenges me several times an hour. The constancy of cleaning up only to have it all be thoroughly messed up again. Not only are there days I just plain don't want to do it, there are so many moments where I feel woefully inadequate as a mother. No one knows how often I silently question the quality of my mothering. I feel the threatening sting of tears behind my eyes as I bear my heart. I know so many amazing mothers who seem to embrace their job with such a loving fervor. I fancy myself as one of them until circumstances force me to face my own behavior as if in a mirror before me. A few things that seemed to reveal my most recent attitude issues consisted of some misunderstandings that resulting from much miscommunication with Dave as well as the aforementioned assault on my pride. The misunderstandings with the one who means more to me than any one else here on earth caused some pretty intense emotions. The pride issues are just more in a string of life lessons that I know I need to learn, but I am never more uncomfortable then when in the midst of such training. This week I have been forgetful and I have done some pretty unintelligent and thoughtless things. I wish I could say that is more the exception than the rule... :) I am not one who puts much belief into ones hair color dictating ones inelegance level, but my actions of late have been those which are most often attributed to a hair color that is much lighter than my own. Forgetting or losing important things. Speaking or acting with out thoroughly thinking it through. Choosing my own way versus the way I know to be better. Trying some new things only to face a level far lower than my self imposed perfection would desire. These are the things which have led up to my weekend of grumpies and ultimately forced me to face my own heart. It's not real pretty right now friends. When I am feeling this way it is almost impossible for me to put words together in a coherent way. I love to write, so I know that things are off balance when I experience a block like that. Now the hard part. :) I have summarized the recent effects of my own bad choices and now I am responsible to turn things around. I'm posting it on the internet. Now I will be accountable too. Seriously, who does that? :) On the way to church this morning I heard these words on the radio "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me" and the truth really hit me full force. I am not a slave to these feelings. I have been freed and that freedom cost the ultimate price. Continuing to wallow in negativity is like slapping the face of the one who gave every thing so that I didn't have to. At least I made some pie...

The Most important Love Story continued; My Worth

Something that has greatly impacted the way that I view what God did for me has been a court room analogy. I've heard different versions of this thought and each one has had an effect on me. Here's my version:

Imagine a woman sitting in a court room. She knows that she has committed a terrible crime and she can see that very fact is beginning to dawn on every one else in the room as well. She hangs her head, unable to look any one in the eye. The sound of the gavel striking wood causes her to jump and then cringe. With an authoritative voice the judge announces the verdict, "GUILTY". She knows that her sentence will be death. The walls in the room begin to close in around her. A sob gets stuck in her throat and she struggles to breathe. The worst thing about it is her utter inability to defend herself. She can't. She is guilty.

And then he walks in.

Nobody has seen him here before, yet he looks vaguely familiar to all. She resists eye contact as he comes closer. Panic clutches at her heart. Yet something instinctive draws her eyes to his. What she sees there stuns her instantly. A peace flows to her rigid body. "How can he look at me like that when we all know I did this?!" She thinks.

"Let this woman go free. I will take the death penalty for her." He quietly says to the judge. "I will die so that she doesn't have to."

He then walks over to the woman and smiles a gentle forgiving smile. "I love you. Go, be free. Do not go back to your old ways. I'm going to help you with that" He unlocks the chains that hold her in place. "Never put these on again." He quietly admonishes. "Always remember you are a free woman."

Seriously, who would ever do that??!! But he did. And I am that woman. John 3 :16 says that God loved us all so much - those he lovingly created (even the ones who rejected him)- that he sent his only son to die so that we don't have to. So that we can live forever with him.

What if that woman in the courtroom would've just said "Thanks, bye" and left. Or what if she would have insisted that those chains continue to bind her?

I began to see my immense worth as I realized the extent of what God did for me. It was a piece in a puzzle that is yet incomplete. The puzzle began to be assembled through out my childhood. My parents imparted some very important things to me. Unfortunately One of the most important relationships in my life began to derail my self esteem due to a language barrier. That relationship was with my dad. He is a loving and hard working man, but I failed to recognize the love he expressed, because I did not see it as such. Now that I am older and have the thinking and reasoning skills which I do I can look back and see it loud and clear. He loves by doing. And he did so much. But my feminine heart heard love by words. And he did not say so much. Words have an incredible impact on me to this day.

Through no complete fault of mine and no complete fault of my dad Satan saw this as an opportunity and preyed upon it. And so, in the absence of positive words by someone whom I longed to hear them, my mind began to fill in with negative.

"You are unattractive. You will never make any one proud. You don't excel at any thing. You don't know how to do that. You can't do that. You will always be below average. You will never amount to any thing."

And this is where I took the bait, fell to temptation, and made the mistake. I not only heard the words, believed the words, internalized the words, but I let the words define me.

This is another one of those struggles which I fight on a regular basis, but there are more pieces to the puzzle. Aren't you glad?

Enter puzzle piece David into the picture. :) Some times when you look at this piece, if you look at it a certain way you have to look twice, because you may see a reflection of Christ. NO, Dave is not God!! :) Not even close. :) He is a man. He is human. He has many imperfections. I am so glad I am not married to a perfect person. He never would've chosen me if he was, and certainly wouldn't have stayed with me! :) But he does reflect Christ. And he shows me the love of Christ on a daily basis.

How do you do that? When you look at me that way I can't help but look behind me to see what would cause your eyes to shine so. Perhaps there is a large plate of Krispy Kremes behind me and out of my sight? But no, your eyes are shining for me. I can't imagine how I have been so blessed to have you look upon me with those adoring eyes. Do you have any idea what you have done for me?

You've seen the ugly. Not just early-morning-and grubby-non-prettiness, but heart ugly. You've seen jealousy. You've seen anger. You've seen selfishness. You've seen pride. You've seen me at my all time worst. You've seen those days when I am desperately holding to a thread of faith, which seems to be unraveling by the second. How is it that you love me through that?

You have loved me in the day to day normals. You have loved me in the moments where we didn't know if we could contain the joy. You have loved me through the tense moments where we have stared at each other through questioning eyes.

The anger, the pain, the questions - and then I look up and see 'the look'. Love in your eyes. A love that seems foreign to me. A love that I feel like I don't deserve. A love that nudges me forward to be a better person. A love that changes me. Before I was loved by you -with this kind of love- I often questioned the love of God. If he sees the ugly how can he love me? And then I saw it exhibited for me in a tangible way. You showed me. Now I know that it can be done.

The joy you bring to my life is immeasurable. I want so much to love you this way too. You give me a desire to pour out this kind of love on others as well. God has used you to bring the level of love in my life to a higher degree. I learn so much from you. God has used you in so many lives. Today I am writing about the ways he has used you in mine. You take my breath away.

Can you see what God is doing? Dave is a part of his plan. He is loving me through him.

And I'm still not done... Yes, there will be more. :)

On inadequacies-

Having one of those days. Seems that every time I turn around, my own inadequacies are glaring at me. I have mentioned my little issue with comparing before. It began years ago and has been a slow and rather subtle evil. Lately it has begun to be much more of a formidable and bold force which has crept in to my life and stolen much of my joy. I know how wrong it is. I know it isn't beneficial to myself, or any body I love. Quite the contrary. It is rooted in pride, and sprouts into a prickly vine of envy. -Joy stealers. Obstructions in living life in the fullness, completeness, and richness we long for and were created for. It's a fact of life that we will frequently come across people who excel at certain things that we do not, or perhaps they may share our interests and are simply uniquely talented in those areas beyond what we are. I feel like I am at a crucial place in my life where I have to learn to be okay with that and live my life to the best of my own abilities. Much to my detriment, at the moment, I am instead noticing the women who are far more beautiful than I ever could be, the writer who is far superior in their story telling and grammatical abilities, the individual who has charisma and can engage any audience, the scrap booker who's amazing creations give you a sudden impulsive desire to discreetly slide your own scrap books into the trash can (You know who you are - Cricket's mom! Just kidding, you know I love you and I really enjoyed our time together!), the athletic diva who makes you suddenly feel like an awkward couch potato, and the musician who makes their abilities look effortless and yours feel juvenile. Ever walk into a home that was decorated with amazing style, had no clutter, and smelled amazing? How did that make you feel? Ever heard that voice in your head telling you that the totally put together mommies holding the hands of their little designer clothing clad cuties probably never knew what it was like to scrub poop off a crib and scrape 2 day old mac n cheese off the high chair. Yeah, that's where I'm at. The guilt inducing thing here is that I know better! I know those mommies have the same issues that are common to all who raise little ones. No body is immune to poop! I also know the danger of believing the lies whispered to us of never being good enough. I have personally and passionately encouraged others to combat those same lies and believe the truth. Truth that we were created in a uniquely personal and intimate way, bought with a price, treasured by our God. But, here it is friends. In another 'moment of truth' revelation: I feel inferior, inadequate, and insecure at least 90% of the time. Honestly, I kind of grieve over this. I grieve for myself and the many other women who face a standard put out there by the world which we will never meet and were never meant to meet. One of the many gifts God has given me to combat the negativity is a certain janitor in my life. :) I have learned some profound things from his way of thinking. Dave knows we all make mistakes, but encourages picking up where we left off, learning from our mistakes and going on with our lives, forever better for the learning opportunity. I remember many times in my life where at the end of the day I have simply regressed to a teary puddle on the floor. Quite often I berate myself with all the things I should've done better. Dave comes along side me, listens, and gently shows me the unhealthy path I am going down. He shows me the futility of what if's and should have's. A common inadequacy inducing moment for me involves balling over the fact that the doctors want me to get 40 oz of liquid into K each day, he has drank a measly 8 oz., and I have only been able to get an additional 12 into him through his g-tube. He needs 1300 calories per day and I obsess about the days we don't come close. He has fine motor, gross motor, oral motor, and speech development exercises that I should be doing with him on a regular basis. I wonder- if I spent more time doing those things with him how much further would he be in his development? Is my own lack of discipline, impatience, selfishness, {inadequacies} negatively affecting those who I love most? That, to me, is one of the scariest questions to face. So, today I am convicted. I am challenged to decipher truth from lies, learn from the truth and go on a better person. Ever have one of those days?? I'm off to read "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free".