Noah is 15

 Dear Noah.

I have written many birthday letters over the years and I have listed the things you have done and enjoyed and excelled at. 

I have written about potential I have seen in you and my hopes and dreams based on that.

I feel like this year I have gotten to know you on a deeper level. Some challenges were involved with that, for both of us. But it has been very worth it to learn and grow with you.

Today, on your fifteenth birthday, I am here to say I absolutely love you. 

I love who you are right now. 

Not a version of you from the past. 

Not my own spin on who I think you are, 

or hope you are, 

or want you to be. 

I'm learning more about what love is and how to do that better. 

I loved going to the NF concert with you and walks with you and hearing about your new interests in working out and football. I like our shared interests in watching marvel shows, superman and Lois, and of course recently - everything Spiderman.  It's fun to sit and talk about them afterwards and analyze all the plot twists. 

You are a joy to parent. You are a joy to have around. I know you don't feel that alot of the time. I'll just keep telling you. 

I thank God for you and I pray for your future. I know that God has a unique design for your life. It's privilege watching you step into that.

Happy 15, son!

Love, Mom

Noah turns 14

 I'll never forget the peaceful feeling of December, 2006.  The year you came to us. So calm and comforting. 

Finally, by the time you were born, I had begun to learn a really important lesson.  I started to care less about any "how to" books, or well meaning advice given. I turned a blind eye to some of the mess and chaos around me and I held you for hours. 

I remember during some of those times of sitting there cuddling my brand new Christmas baby - trying to think of what it would be like to be your mom when you no longer fit in the crook of my arm.

Well dear Noah, fast forward 14 years and I look up to you 8 inches.  Yes, eight inches.  

But son,  I look up to you in more ways than stature.  I'm humbled to be parenting such a thoughtful and kind young man. I respect who you are becoming very much. 

Of course you have not "arrived",  as none of have. But you know that - and that is part of what I love about you. You know there is always work to do.  

This year has been a challenge and again, we are so proud of you for doing excellent work in school under less than ideal conditions. The way you have continued getting up before 6 am to get started with your work load, even doing it at home, was impressive. Grades are not the highest thing on our priority list, but the fact that we have never had to worry about this with you is a blessing. We see you, we see the effort, we see the result. 

It's neat to observe the choices you are making and friends you connect with.  One day a few weeks ago, when you had some friends over to play your new Zelda game, I couldn't help but observe their interactions with Caleb.  I always wonder with you and your brothers, how Caleb may affect your life. You've always been kind to him, and for that I am so grateful.  But I know it hasn't always been easy.  I know you've had to make sacrifices. On this particular day Caleb had just woken up and went to you and your friends in the porch.  Because of his vision issues he had to get really close to everyone to see who they were. Some were new friends and didn't necessarily know Caleb. I think I held my breath for a minute to see how you would respond.  A thirteen year old boy with a seventeen year old brother with special needs -  there are lots of ways you could handle this.  But you just matter of factly took it in stride and told him who each person was.  And they smiled, let him get up in their faces, and were so kind.  I'm very impressed with this group of guys. Thanks for choosing well. 

I have no doubt you will continue to over achieve and do quite well with the things you reach for. I am a little embarrassed that I can't help you with math at all any more.  And I'm glad you spent the time to teach me binary and base 8 and base 10 and stuff. Sorry if sometimes my eyes glaze over when we talk. ;) I love you dearly.  I am so happy you are in our family. 

I know that your relationship with your little brother has been tough at times too. That's why it has meant so much to me that you have been willing to help him with his school work while we have been virtual. He started going to you more and more this year because you are a great teacher! I know it often wasn't your first choice, but again - I saw you take a deep breath and choose well.  I was so impressed with how well you taught him math concepts.  I was impressed that in the midst of his frustrations, and sometimes fit throwing over it, I could not get through to him and calm him. but you could.  And you did. I am grateful for the love of our family, even in our imperfections. 

Keep being you.  I know you will. You are confident and do not wish to conform for anyone.  I pray you will continue seeking God with your whole heart. 

Love you,

Mom

Noe is a teenager

Dear Noe,

You are a teenager today!  What a milestone.

I’m sitting here trying to put into words what it’s been like to be your mom for the past 13 years.  Usually I do not have a problem with words.  But sometimes when things are precious and amazing and challenging -  it’s tough to have just the right vocabulary to express that.

It’s been an honor and a privilege to have you as our son!

I love your thirst for knowledge,  your desire for excellence,  your love of truth,  heart for Jesus,  and inquisitive mind.  Is it always easy to parent you?
No.
Is it one of the biggest blessings in my life?
Yes.

See,  you and me -  we’re a lot alike. 😉 And sometimes that means we’re going to clash a little.  I don’t know all the science behind that,  but I bet you’ve got that covered. You’re quite scholarly enough.

I think the teenage years will be fun with you and I’m excited we’re there! I can only imagine the conversations,  learning moments,  and growing we will do together this year.  I’m ready for it.  

I have to be honest,  sometimes I feel inadequate to be the mom you need.  Quite often these days I’m learning from you,  not the other way around.  But I still see it -  I know you still need me to be there. As a support,  attending your concerts, cheering you on,  as a sounding board,  hearing your ideas,  as a comforter when your feelings are hurt and your sensitive nature gets trampled on.  You still need your mama.  While you may school me in theology,  statistics,  Star Wars,  all video games ever created,  math,  and always win at sequence,  I am still your soft and your comfort and your listening ear.  Despite the times we may encounter miscommunication or frustration with one another,  there’s  still big love.  And teeth brushing parties.  And drives to the library.  And relating over our interest in the Mandalorian. 

Also,  oh my -  let’s talk about how tall you are getting! Thanks for still bending down about 5 inches for a good night kiss every single night.

 I love your missional heart.  I see a real desire to help and serve God in any way you can,  even when it’s a bit out of your comfort zone. I really appreciate your helpfulness.

I love that you’re not scared of being in front of people and taking a leadership role.  In fact,  you definitely prefer it.  😉

And,  much like many 13 year old boys,  you do love your video game time.  Way to save and save and save for that Switch!  That was ALOT of loads of dishes.... 

I’m SO proud of you for pushing your physical limits and completing couch to 5k this year! I saw a new tenacity and crazy determination in you which really surprised and delighted me. Your runner mama knows how hard and uncomfortable it can be to push for those pace times and miles!   Good job on whole 30,  good job on conquering gym class.  Good job on taking 7th grade by storm and doing your very best.  I know this year your work load is heavy.  You’re doing great! Keep going strong. 

I know with your birthday so close to Christmas you sometimes feel like it’s easy to be overlooked. And I know with travel this year and everything going on that our busyness has perhaps made you feel less important. But your birthday is such a special day and I could never forget the beautiful moment you come into this world.  The complete and utter joy of lifting you onto my chest and seeing you go from a cry to complete relaxation. No,  Christmas is wonderful and full of hope and beauty of another kind,  but all the busy could never dampen what your birth means to me.  To us -  your family.  

Thank you for being you.  Happy 13,  Noah Ben!  We love you. 

Mom

Noe turns 12

Dear Noah Benjamin,

I am so honored to be your mom. Really, I am.  I love your thirst for knowledge, especially biblical knowledge.  All the things I have settled for "well, we may not ever know the answer to that one..." are met with "Why not? I'm going to find out."  By you.

That both humbles and pleases me.  Humbled because I'm the mom and you're the kid . . . I'm supposed to know all the stuff, right?  but I'm pleased that you are more persistent and tenacious than me.  I am pleased by your insatiable quest for knowledge;  how much you love to learn.

This has been quite a year, huh buddy?  High highs and low lows.  Unbridled joy -unexpected lavish blessings, and bitter disappointments.  I have walked through these with you and you have no idea how much my heart bursts and breaks as yours does.  Because you are a part of me and I'll never be able to completely separate myself from you.  The way a mama is entwined with those she gives life to - it is marvelous and excruciating.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I will continue to watch you mature and be able to filter all of these big feelings.  These big feels of yours are processed in you so much like I process as well.  You're kind of my mini. I have already seen a great deal of maturity as you have experienced so much in the last few months.

The loss of hopes and expectations in what you were anticipating for your entrance into the youth group.

Competing once again on a world level for destination Imagination in engineering and shocking everyone by taking 8th place. I know few moments in your young life matched with that one.  Watching those final results live from the back seat in our van.  And I was right there, next to you - feeling every bit as anxious as the seconds counted down...

And then saying goodbye to your time in DI - and oh the emotions.  Your tears tugged at everything inside of me, but I know that I know that your daddy and I need to listen to God for direction for our family, and this was one of those times.  We know So.very.much. lies ahead of you.  Middle school, a brand new school, teachers, friends, building - everything! New opportunities.  You are going to soar in whatever you do.  We have zero doubts of that.

I can not adequately express how much I love you and how much I thank God that he placed you in our family.  That he thought us worthy to parent you. To nurture you, love you, and guide you.  And that we would learn from YOU and be loved by YOU (You do a good job of this).

You so gently were born into my hands.  You were peaceful and cuddly and soft.  And while much has changed from that day 12 years ago, so much is still the same.  Our Noah.  Our sweet boy.   I'm so filled with anticipation to see where God leads as you begin your 13th year!

Love, Mom

A decade of Noe

Dear Noe,

Sometimes I get this feeling that parenting you is a sacred divine blessing in my life.

- Not that you are perfect by any stretch of the imagination, or even "easy" per se.  Just very unique and God's fingerprints are so clearly seen on you.

We have had the privilege of your presence being woven into our family for an entire decade now.  It has been a sweet journey.

I love your heart.

I am challenged by your heart,

motivated by your passion for God and your eternal perspective.

I am often silenced by your statements of truth and *Big* questions.

Two months before turning 10 you began a plan to read through the Bible in a year.  I encouraged you but in a hesitant way.

Because - you were nine.

And the Bible is a BIG book.

And attention spans can get short.

And discouragement can set in...

Oh me of little faith.

Not only have you stuck with the plan ever so faithfully, but you are not just skimming this big book. You are drinking deeply of the well of Living Water.  And your mama stands humbly by.

It is fun to talk about what we are reading together!  As always, you are my old soul.  You are my little boy whose eyes see deeper and whose heart reaches past the surface.

You are a great opportunity for me.  You help me to think on a different plane.

You take my parenting style for a trip and of course - I learn as much as I teach.

We are working with you on flexibility

On letting go of perfection

On less judging and more grace -

Things God is tweaking our hearts on as well.

Our talks on the way to school are some of the most valuable parts of my day.  I love the topics you choose,  ranging from music, to school, to what you want to be when you grow up, and what God is doing in your life.  Let's always talk about any thing and everything together, ok?  I love the openness we share right now - and I want you to know that your thoughts are very important to me!

Thank you for being you!

Thank you for helping me out whenever you see a need.

Thank you for valuing peace.

Thank you for making us breakfast. :)

Thank you for your heart and compassion!

You are a gift to us, Noe!!

I seriously can not wait to see what God has in store for you.  Watching your life unfold will be our privilege!  Your selflessness and motivation to pursue what really matters is so veyr admirable and will take you far.

Happy 10.

{ Dear Noe B }

Dear Noe B,

Someday you and I are going to look back on the end of 2014 and we might say something like this,

"Remember that one time - when you turned eight years old, and absolutely everything that could go differently than planned - pretty much went differently than planned?!

Remember how hard it was, the year you turned eight, to accept change or any little hiccup?

But remember how God was developing character in you and you sailed through all of those hiccups and disappointments like the champ that you are?

Remember how brilliantly our tree sparkled that year and how it made us feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

That year you were still trying to decide how you felt about having such a special personal day 3 days before such a big all compassing holiday.

 - But surely you'll remember that you decided to grin through that deciding.

Oh, and those disappointments we were talking about? How could you forget the sting of finding out on your actual birthday that little brother tested positive for the infamous "influenza A" - and we had to make tough choices about our travel plans.

You had already started packing a bag with your precious things to show cousins. Crafting things to keep you occupied on the 9+ hour trip to IA, books to read, and of course you had packed your mind with plans. 

The year you turned eight was the one you had been waiting for, remember? The first "friend party" year. And some of your dearest friends are your IA cousins. So it was to be a big pizza party with the beloved cousins, cake and balloons, - you had it planned to a T.

The tears could not be easily forgotten. Mom and lil brother were gone for hours, from the Dr to the pharmacy, and much waiting in between. You heard one sided phone conversations between me and your daddy. The decisions we had to make were not easy ones for us the year you turned eight.

Remember opening your gift from Grandma out on the deck - in the rain - so as not to expose gram to nasty germs?

Buddy - you sure handled it all like the big boy you were becoming.

That coast guard Lego set was exactly what you were hoping for, and I think the hours of play that ensued after your rainy gift opening were at least a little bit of a balm to your heart.

And in true Noe B fashion - you threw yourself into the good. All the good of birthdays and family time and picking up the pieces to a shattered plan - to glue them into something else entirely.

You were really good at that, the year you turned 8.

That's my boy.

I get you. If the rain has not brought a rainbow, you will create one. Because that's what we do.

The year you turned eight you had yet to grow in your two front teeth. We had much fun with that, and my you looked cute. 

See, you had grown alot that year, leading up to the time you turned 8 - and you had learned a thing or two about life and facing the hard with the good. Seven to eight is a significant time in a boys life - and that year we saw the growth it had brought.

Remember eight year old Noe? How he was a peacemaker and deep thinker?

Creative, literal, relational, helpful,
and - well, there was that spitfire spirit that was really emerging too. Whew! I do remember the talking back and pushing back that eight year old Noe was quite expert at. My dear little negotiator....

Your silver lining attitude paid off that year. Nearly three weeks after your birthday we instituted "Plan B" - friends, Pizza, bowling.....


Ok, "Plan C" - Friends, pizza, and playing Wii at home.....
{Ha! So, remember that one birthday party where your mama didn't realize that she should've called the bowling alley ahead of time... Funny.
Right?
right?...
That was a good laugh... or something}

So here's to the year you turned eight and all of the things you were learning. Here's to imperfect plans and holding everything loosely.

Here's to my Noe B and all that he brings to our family. Without you, we wouldn't have quite so much color in our home. We may not be set straight after every sarcastic or truth stretching comment. We wouldn't have as many silver linings softening our life.

I remember the year you turned eight and how much my mama heart loved all over you. I remember feeling how very blessed I was to be your mama, and thanking God for eight precious years with you!

~Mama

The boy who wanted to read

Once upon a time there was a six year old who was in first grade.

He felt like everyone in his class was a better reader than him.

He was doing just fine, but he had some fairly significant perfectionist tendencies. 

{His mama knew this because it was like looking into a little mirror}

So, he started working real hard on learning. 

And then he turned seven, and something *clicked*.

He started reading for hours on end. 

Some books were hard, and some words still made him pause. 

But - he didn't quit!

He got a sweet little dream in his heart, and talked about it every day, "Mom, I want to read to younger kids. I want to read to Kai's preschool class!"

What a lovely though. But not really practical. Every time Kai had school, Noe also had school. As much as the mama wanted to nurture the reading, the mama wasn't willing to pull the 7 year old out of first grade to read at the preschool….

And then the day came when the elementary school was on spring break one day before the preschool was on spring break. 

Boom. 

Dream.come.true.

I love him.

 True to the competitive nature of
The House Full of Boys,

the nine year old had to read to the preschool class too…

And life was good,
and full,
and reading month will undoubtedly spill into summer for these guys who just can't get enough. 

In the midst of everything else, there's this guy

So there's this guy…..

He had a birthday too. :)

There's this little date, tucked close within so many BIG dates, that great effort is needed to invest into making his day a special one.

It does kind of feel like seven happened while I wasn't looking. 

Our Noe - Seven!

As much as we desire that his birthday be recognized and celebrated, uniquely and apart from the holidays near by it, it's always surrounded by such a whirlwind of activity that no matter what we do, it comes and goes rather hurriedly. 

Enjoyed and celebrated thoroughly, nonetheless!

He is so special, and so sweet.

Artistic to the core, he embodies nearly every generalization you may have heard about artists. Who could have imagined that we would have artistic kids?? Ha! Looking into little mirrors is surely a growing process…. 

So, he has excellent taste - 

Tries very much to "hold his own" in a house full of competitive boys,

is tender, gentle, loving, 

and boy - we are still fighting that whole whining tendency like crazy.

I call him my "old soul"

my "little professor"

my "Noe bean"

and "boo".

Poor guy. ;) I know. 

But as for the old soul, he has these insights that are just older than he is. His eyes sometimes look places that can't earthly be seen. His sensitivity is a gift. 

My prayers for him continue to be focused on his sweet compassion, and the channeling that gift will need. He feels everything deeply, and that makes life a bumpy ride, for sure. Remember what I said about little mirrors? Yes.

We've seen much growth this year. 

Perfectionism still taunts, and with tears he is slowing learning that there is no such thing. 

On the anniversary of J.D.'s death he had not realized what day it was as he sat in the bathroom and watched me get ready for church.

He just kept staring at me, and finally asked, "I just feel like you are sad. I don't know why, I just feel like it."

So, I told him that yeah, I was. I told him why and he had an almost physical reaction. He pulled back and his eyes got wide, "oh, mom. That IS sad. That is so sad. My heart feels sad."

He just rubbed my arm and watched me apply my make up. He kind of hovered that day. He stayed close, and looked in my eyes every once in a while. Like he was just checking on me. 

The other boys talked about it some as well, but Noe just processes things more intuitively. He stuck by me and quietly offered what he had. It was sweetly poignant. "Mom, I wish he was here. I wish I could play with him, and that he was our brother. I mean he is our brother. I wish he was… our brother - here, you know?" 

Yep. I do know. 

So he brings a loyalty, 

a sweetness, 

a merciful introspective outlook,

an emotional roller coaster,

an artistic flair,

a moody chaos,

a tender love

to our home. :) 

And I could not even begin to imagine our home without him.

I know that just as his birthday is surrounded by other big days he may feel surrounded by other big deals. At times he feels a bit like a middle child, with K being higher maintenance, Jay taking alot of our time and energy in discipline, and the baby. 

Noe tends to be quieter, and is a peacemaker. He may voluntarily go unnoticed at times, so as not to cause waves. 

He may feel like he's just not a big deal.

 He couldn't be further from the truth, and we are intentionally pouring into him, as he gets older and grapples with his place.

Our dear boy, you are ever so important. In the midst of the plenty that God has given, we recognize you as very much a part of that. You are dear and loved and so very, very valuable! Keep being everything you are to us and this family. We thank God for seven beautiful years with you!