To attract, not repel

 Twenty one years.

Of course I didn't know

That before you - I was collecting a pile of sidelined explosives. And you had the igniter. 

Doesn't it seem impossible?

The experiences that I stuffed inside - quite talented in the unhealthiest ability to hide. 

They were of a specific brand

That you would expose

Your brand of toxic and my brand of toxic meeting.

A rendezvous of catastrophe

Of course it didn't seem like the perfect storm in the beginning. Because love and infatuation and starry eyes

Starry eyes can't see venom.

I know God. If He saw the potential calamity of what was just under the surface; the volcano that would erupt. 

Why? 

It's uncanny really. The exact places that remain the most tender in the recesses of my heart. The soul ache. Line up, in an agonizing way, with the teeth of what is flawed in you

Impossible? Unfair? Not worth fighting? Too painful?

Or just right.

Divine design

I ask why - 

when I should ask why not? 

What if this is actually brilliant -  on a divine level? 

Of course the places that have been rearranged in each of us by hurt will repel the other

Unless we adjust

Like the laws of magnetism - we make a reversal in position

To attract. Not repel

Could the teeth of the individual hurts of two, aligning into the most painful places of our being, actually bring

healing?

Is it the perfect storm?

Or an exquisite, well planned opportunity to see the work of a most excellent Creator?

Your brand of attack from the enemy and my brand of attack from the enemy meeting. 

Flip the pole of the magnet.

 It's not our possession of toxicity, it's the poison inflicted from the father of lies. 

And here we are.

Flip the pole and the attraction is involuntary. 

A force outside of our control. 

Transform the repelling from the pain to the attracting of healing

What could be superior to an aligning of pain in two, that leads to two laying their lives down to be instrumental in the healing of one another? 

Change the narrative. There's unimaginable power in that

He is exceptional in planning, coordinating, bringing together. He is peace. He is healing. He does not make mistakes. This wasn't a coincidence that was doomed to crash and burn. 

Could we even possibly have an advantage in each others healing?

There's a higher level of purpose here than we could ever fathom.

 I'm in awe. 

I won't ever see it all while we're here. 

And the pain is still there. But the purpose is bigger

If it hurts too much and is too impossible for human attempts 

- to tape and bandage and keep tying to pick up the pieces 

Than it can not be done in a human way

Everything I read about Him points to this

Expose

Push to breaking

And then the breakthrough

Where it can only be mended supernaturally

That's where he wants us

Twenty one years is a lot of taping and exposing and hurting

And it's a lot of healing and mending and higher purpose

He writes it

It's unfolding. 

In His hands the narrative changes and the magnetic field rotates. 

Soft

So there's this thing... it's kind of strange, but not necessarily unexpected.

It's happened before - when alot is going on.

In my heart, in my emotions.

When I am in this surreal place of feeling suspended between the realities of my day to day life and the movement of change


I can't write.

You know me -


She writes to process


She writes to worship


She writes to tell a story


She writes to remember


She writes to grieve


She writes to rejoice...

She who does all that...can't write right now.

I will. -I just know that at some point the words will come rushing in every direction and likely not dry up... until next time.

But in the mean time,

I am learning what it means to pray in a wrestling-with-darkness kind of a way.

I am learning what it means to invest in the lives of people I care about - and then give all I have invested to God.

I am finding myself holding my breath while I enter into a very, very hard month full of difficult milestones and memories for another dear family who I care deeply about.

And in the midst of all that is stretching me right now,

I am engaging in 8 days of Spiritual awakening at our church.

Solid Biblical teaching and worship.

Two hours every night,

Two hours of teaching, specifically geared towards woman, Tuesday and Thursday morning,

Four hours last Sunday, this Saturday, and this coming up Sunday,


I have to be honest here - I am feeling drained

-exhausted mentally and emotionally.

I keep telling God to just let me process all that is going on - to give me a breather to stop and try to bolster up some kind of protection around my heart.

Because it feels all vulnerable and soft.

It feels exposed.

I wanted to enter this week of revival rested,

fresh,

ready (my definition of ready).


Instead I entered it empty,

after sleepless nights,

in the midst of a spiritual battle.


And even as I was saying,

"God, let me recover first,

I want to do this, I want to invite you to awaken my heart and seek you with all that I am,

But all that I am is just so little right now.

So soft,

so vulnerable,

not ready.

Give me some time..."


Isn't that how we are?


God knows that's how I am.

And I can just see his smile... "Wendi, Wendi, Wendi."

Where I see weakness and exhaustion

He sees brokenness and a spirit ready to receive.

Where I see vulnerability, and label it bad,

He sees a lowering of pretense, and calls it good.

He sees tender,

moldability,

losing my strength to find His.

And even in my desperate pleas for a break; a minute to gather myself.

He says,

"I have you right where I want you".

Made adequate through Him

"I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121: 1&2

"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold." Psalm 119:71&72

God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. true to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God." Psalm 23 1-3, 5 & 6

And He said: It's not about you Wendi. Your life isn't about what you can and can't do, how you feel, what others say about you, how they perceive you, or even how you perceive yourself. It's about how much of me they can see through you. Move your focus upward.

And He, again, was the farthest thing from condemning you could imagine. And He really understood, like got where I was at. He knew I would be there. He knew it was okay to be there. He used my being there to show me some really important things that I would not have learned had I not been there. And then He invited me to move on from there. He brought me into a group of people who love Him. He provided songs with complimentary music that reached into my soul and filled me up. One of those songs spoke of "The King of all sufficiency, The King of all of me." He whispered to my heart that He is my Heavenly Father. All I need. - That He will never leave me. He gave me all of you. He used your words to touch me deeply.

Finding the sufficiency in who he has made me to be. Moving my focus upward rather than outward. Loving the companionship of knowing I'm not the only one who struggles with inadequacy. The lessons I learned over the weekend are not a done deal. It is a process, but I am that much further in the process. :)

So thankful for my friends... Amazing...really truly humbled and amazed.

So thankful for my family. Nobody could stay down for too long when this group of handsome guys loves them, nurtures them, needs them, and has numerous hugs and cuddles for them daily. :)

So, here I am people. Authenticity is not an easy thing, but I've been able to share some of the realness that invades my daily life. Balancing on that tight rope that is striving for betterment and yet being comfortable in who I am.
Make up completely wore off and hair messed up from nap (Oh how I needed that nap!), here is someone who is learning more each day about what it means to be real. :)