To my horror I found out yesterday that simple fact may very well have put me in a racist category. I see that silence has been interpreted as picking a side. But confusion hung heavy over all.
"Be silent!"
"Pause yourself."
and
"Speak up!"
"Your silence just labeled you. You aren't loud enough!"
Ok?
I would submit for consideration that we give each other a lot more grace and some more understanding. Try to understand that silence. Try to understand that by not immediately joining a movement or trend, it could mean that someone takes time to process. That if education is as important as it is being pushed (and I do very much believe in educating oneself with truth) then let's give grace and allow time for it.
My heart has been shattered over the treatment of human life. I have always been deeply compassionate, empathetic, and pro life. I know certain people groups have endured treatment I could never even begin to imagine and that I know nothing about. I know I posses a naivety that is my responsibility to remedy. I know that black people have been oppressed for so many generations and I know that's not right!
It's never ever right.
For as long as I can remember, as a little girl with big hazel eyes and very long brown hair - seeking truth, I have instinctively held to the beautiful concept that God created all human life in His image. And that absolutely everyone was a treasure to Him.
To God Himself.
A created Treasure.
Every single one.
Everyone. All human life.
And I likely just put myself in a racist category again.
My heart is so so heavy with that. Because it's not coming from a place of racism and hate at all. But truth and love and equality.
I have seen the scenarios to try to get white people to understand.
Why have a fireman come to your house if it isn't burning?
Who would ever say to a grieving mother who had just lost her baby, "my baby is important too!"
Yes, I've seen these explanations and more. We need to be more aware of the deep hurt of the black community! We need to be more selfless. I need to do better.
Lord Jesus, help me to do better!
And what I've seen this week is some of the most harsh treatment of humans in general that I've ever seen in my life. What has surprised me in this fight for racial justice is all the nasty in white people against white people. We need to do better. How is this helping?! If what we are trying to do is erase lines of bias, stop oppression, love bigger, end profiling and exploitation - it feels very much like failure.
I saw a photographer express some fear last week as she carried out a job photographing in a hot spot where riots were taking place. She posted in a group I've been a part of for a while where there has always been a lot of encouragement and helpful feedback. She was scared. She wanted to do her job well, and the location was potentially dangerous.
In response she was belittled. Told her fear was wrong. That it was fake. Dumb. Selfish. Racist. Called names. Threatened. Told she would be banned from the group. She was told she had no right to her voice. To shut the %$@* up.
I understand that what black people have experienced in the past, and still presently combat on a daily basis, is nothing compared to this individual's fear. But to be supportive of the black community do we have to tell her she doesn't matter? Her feelings don't matter? I won't do that. I can't do that.
How is this forward movement? How is this motivating positive change?
I have always held strong to the belief that the biggest change I can make in the world is between the walls of my own home. So that is where I will currently focus my mission to be the change I wish to see in the world. My boys are very much forming their world view. I want them to know history. We will not shy away from the grave truth. The heavy and the hard. But I am convinced that we will not be motivating positive change by inflicting guilt. I watched my sons grapple with current events last week. One is on social media, three are not. We had the news on a few times and they all saw and heard things that caused them to have to process a lot. I want them to be exposed to this stuff! I want them to have to process a lot. I saw, as most of us did, a very sad overall atmosphere. A question hung in the in air,
did they need to feel guilty for being born white?
And that is paralyzing. Guilt stops heart deep change and goes against forward motion to doing better.
Conviction is a beautiful thing that brings about repentance. So I work on learning along side of my boys. To learn and be convicted and repent {Repent/ to feel or show that you are sorry for something bad or wrong. Motivation to make it right. A change of mind. To go the other direction} and change where we need to. But I will not tell them what to feel. I will try to give them space where they need to process. I will encourage them that the guilt for things they had no control over is a ploy of the devil to paralyze forward motion and growth. And I pray fervently for their hearts. I truly believe we can begin to see beautiful changes when the hearts of our children are prayed for and they lean in to God and truth!
We have had the clear blessing of having a home where a marginalized individual is in our space. I will always advocate for those with special needs. Humans who could (sadly) be viewed as non contributors to society are also made in the image of God and so very loved by him. My boys see differences in people, but having Caleb as a brother has helped them to see a special kind of unity as well as equality in the heart of God.
LIFE has always been precious to me. I had the opportunity to work at the Center for Women in downtown Jackson for years. I can't go into personal details of situations there because of confidentiality, dignity, honor. But I will tell you that my soul was in that work. The work of the marginalized, the black, the white, the hispanic, the special needs, the pre-born. There were cultural barriers, language barriers, etc - and through my work there I grew and learned exponentially.
I vividly remember one night after I guided a client through a parenting class, helped with local resources, and talked about life, we grabbed some needed items for her from the mommy store in the back. I saw it was a heavy load and offered to walk her home to help carry her items. She slowly and deliberately looked me up and down. Tip of my head to my toes. And her laugh was genuine and deep. She was a very capable black women. I liked her a lot and enjoyed my weekly appointments with her. "Oh honey. You wouldn't make it a block into my neighborhood. You should never go there." It felt like my white skin was glowing. She was protecting me. It felt strange. I respected her wishes and sent her on her way, while I stayed there. It hit me hard that night and wow, I learned so very much my years there.
I appreciate my friends who have engaged me in productive conversation this past week. Who have helped me to see things that were confusing. And I continue to process. As I stared at black squares occupying space on instagram, trying to make sense of it all.
Pause. Pause and black out your space to give voice and space and honor to those who are marginalized. Yes! Its so biblical to pause and to LISTEN. "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Yes. Oh yes to all of this. I have always been deeply challenged by this verse in James 1. I need to quiet my voice and listen more!
But there was confusion and inconsistencies in the black squares as well.
Some did it with pure and beautiful motives.
Some used hashtags they weren't supposed to and they were called out.
Some did it wrong.
Some didn't do it and others were enraged.
Some did it because someone else did it and they didn't really know what it was but it seemed cool.
I wanted to educate myself more, I wanted to clear my confusion. I started seeking out historical facts. I looked at some news articles. I read what friends were posting on line. My mind started to feel borderline overloaded and paralyzed. I saw some of the ugly I mentioned above in this process. The heaviness of my heart felt like it was going to cement me to the floor.
So I hit my knees and I asked God to help me. Please give clarity in the heartbreak and confusion.
And I was led to look at truth and only truth. To look away from everything else for a minute. My ultimate truth is the Bible.
Isaiah 58 ..."To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke. To share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wandered with shelter - when you see the naked - to clothe them, and not turn away from your own flesh and blood. Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: here am I. "If you will do away with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness and your night will become like noon day."
I'm going to continue to educate myself and instill truth in my boys. That is my mission. I want to stay humble and I pray that I do. I pray that I will love everyone well and be light.
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