Every Day Miracles

31 years to get here

2012-02-02T14:51:00.004-05:00

I have heard many a woman say that they began to finally feel "comfortable in their own skin" in their 30s. I think there is something to that.

Now, I am not one of those people who think that one's strength is found within themselves (as in - from themselves), because I strongly believe that my strength only comes from God. I am not one who feels that I need to "find myself", or any other combination of "we must love ourselves first" narcissism.

What I am saying is that I spent many long years battling an unhealthy lack of confidence. It was a malady that caused me to be stagnant in ministry and really hindered me from moving forward in several areas of my life.

There are certainly still threads of this insecurity/inadequacy/awkwardness that threaten my effectiveness in my daily life. But you know what? It's leaving me.

In 9 days I will be 31. Strange.

I feel so much like the excitement of entering my fourth decade was just days ago itself... but here we are.

I am at a place in my life where there is a new and exciting joy that has been growing within my heart. It has not been innate, but something that I have worked hard to nurture. Rephrasing: God has enabled me towards every ounce of nurturing this joy, which I know can only be found in him!

My friend Kristin recently loaned me the book, "Hinds Feet in High Places". In this Pilgrim's Progress-esque allegory the main character, Much Afraid, begins a journey towards the "High Places". She is so excited, and is under the impression that the "Chief Shepherd" will be going with her, in the flesh. He informs her that, although he will be with her, and she can call on him at any moment, he will be leaving her two guides who will assist her on this journey. She hopes her guides could have names like Peace, Joy... maybe something along those lines.

When he introduces her to her two guides, Sorrow & Suffering, she is very disappointed.

Annnnd at that point I almost put the book down.

a) Because I was disappointed as well
b) Because I had a sinking feeling that the book was going to go places I didn't want it to go
and c) Because sometimes truth hurts

As I continued through the story, cautiously reading each word, I could feel God's plan in having it in my hands.

Much Afraid began her journey, with these two unwanted guides, and stayed as far from them as she could. But then the way got much more difficult. When she got to a dangers precipice, she had to reach for their hands. As she drew nearer to sorrow and suffering, she could feel herself become stronger. They slowly began to be beautiful in her eyes. It took time, but they changed her.

There have been some things in my life that have caused me to have this floating question mark in my mind. I have glared at pain as if a worst enemy. But as I am reading this book, and as I read through the Bible chronologically, and as I devour other books and discover new songs this year, that question mark is being altered to look much more like a period, and instead of being an open ended, un-orderly wave in my brain, it is solidifying as a firm belief in my heart.

Yes, there has been pain in the past 31 years. Yes, my heart has felt rather shattered a time or two.

But more and more and more I am seeing it as unearthly beauty.

The process of pain,

sorrow,

humbling circumstances,

disappointments,

inadequacies,

grieving,

and losing myself

is what is at the very core of this confidence and joy.

I am getting to know my Savior more and more. This is how he works.

It may seem backward and strange.

It may make us want to throw books :) and go into a place called denial.

But alot of what He does is hard to wrap our minds around.

They were looking for a king and they got, what appeared to be a man who was born with cattle and livestock as his welcoming committee.

Backward? It will seem that way to the world. But let His truth penetrate your heart.

It will produce joy that you never thought you could experience.

I can not wait to see where God takes me this year! There is nothing like being used by God.

Nothing.

I am looking up and telling Him I am ready.

Asking Him to use me.

Getting to know Him in a much more intimate way.

This is going to be an awesome year!

- And let me just say, I am so glad to have my laptop back so that I can blog through this next year and continue to use this as a means to remember the journey!

On life without the Internet

2012-01-23T21:20:00.002-05:00

So, what does one do when they suddenly find themselves off line,

Unplugged,

Cut off,

Technology-less?

Well. . .

One big surprise: I'm not hating it.

I am missing some of the ways it connected me, and many of the ways it made my life easier.

But, I have also revived some old forgotten loves of mine...

Pen and paper.

Writing doesn't start and stop here. But for the past couple of years, for me, it has.

I had forgotten what it feels like to smooth out a crisp white piece of lined paper and feel my emotions pour out of the tip of that pen.

It's a good thing.

More personal.

Less restrictions.

Books.

Real books.

Paper back,

Hard back,

Binding,

That sweet, yet dusty smell that books have, whether they are old or new.

Yes, I had almost forgotten.

I have used a phone book for the first time in ages.

A real dictionary.
*wow*

Really??

Have I become so reliant on technology, that it has come to this?

:)

I smile.

I had imagined what it would be like to lose my old friend before; my trusty laptop.
I always shuddered at the thought.

Now it is as dead as a door nail, and strangely, I am relaxed and happy.

Will I welcome it back glady and eagerly, when it sports a new hard drive and is ready to be my yellow pages and pen and paper again? Of course I will! No question.

But, it will be put away sooner and forgotten easier. My notebook is beside me and is a new friend. I am already picking out the next book I want to read. I may get out the white and yellow pages, just for fun, next time I need a number.

And did you know you could actually pin things to a real board??

I'm not dead, my computer is.

2012-01-20T07:12:00.000-05:00

So, remember in my last post, how I said that my computer was malfunctioning, but we were "fairly confident" that we could get it going again?

Well.... I'm sure you can figure out the verdict on that one. It couldn't be revived. For the first time in 10+ years I have been unplugged and off line *gasp*.

Dave finally suggested that I log on to the old' blog and just get it out there that I am not dead, my computer is. :)

Can't wait to write more about what I have been learning, post some photos, keep in touch with you all, update my photo a day blog, and all that fun stuff. But for now, I am pecking away on Caleb's little IPad touch screen and that is not real conducive to posting much. :) Plus, in a few minutes I will be packing the IPad away in his backpack (I feel compelled to put it out there, that we are SO not the kind of parents who give their 9 yr old an IPad. This is for him to become more independent in the classroom, and it has been so cool to watch him learn on it! It was only through Grandma and Grandpa's generosity that this was even possible. And I may be getting my Internet fix on it and feeling rather pathetic for it.)

So, until my computer gets figured out and fixed... Or I continue in the art of stealing educational venues from small children, all is well here!

{In over my head}

2012-01-11T14:42:00.002-05:00

Oh whoa, wait, it's working!!

Okay, I'm going to blog as quickly as I can before this ahem (I don't swear, so I'm not putting a curse word right here) computer decides that it would prefer to completely malfunction... again.

For the past few days my laptop has been more stubborn than my 2 year old. That's saying alot.

Really people; a l o t.

So tonight and tomorrow this little buddy of mine is going to lose its memory. Last night, much like right now, it miraculously decided to cooperate, and worked for several hours as I backed everything up on external hard drive and cds. I now have everything saved, and we are beginning the process tonight of wiping everything off from it and restoring it to all default settings. Dave seems fairly confident that this will do the trick and have it working just about like new again. - I do hope. For as frustrated as it has caused me to be lately, we have been together for several years and we have really bonded.

Plus we really don't have the money to purchase another one. And the thought of no computer makes me twitch. Just a little.

This seems to be as good a time as any to make a small confession on the blog. Besides twitching if I don't have the use of a computer, I base my choice to buy facial tissue most often on how cute the box is, and if it would coordinate with the room I am putting it in.

Phew. Glad to get that off my chest. Really, I feel better now.

(This one made the cut. That little bird? - adorbs)

There is a slight chance (in percentages, think high 90's) that this blog post may seem helter-skelter (did you know that was a real word? Dictionary.com says that it is, blogger says it is not. Dictionary.com, I'm siding with YOU). (Oh fine, blogger. I see you are going to be all fine with it and lovely again if I add a dash. There. See? Let's be friends now.)

I have a sinus infection. Writing it seems too insignificant. I want to call it some kind of an epic head squeazing fatal illness. But it's just these little recessed areas in our head which connect with our nasal passages. Sometimes they get infected. No biggie, right?

Oh My Word.

Big deal people. Big deal.

Never, never underestimate the power of sinuses.

When the doctor asked me how I was doing yesterday, I told it to him straight.

"I want to take a knife and cut half of my face off."

He was only slightly alarmed.

It didn't take him long to diagnose after that. A few taps on my cheek bone and forehead, and my nearly jumping off the table was quite enough.

So, I still have this awful pressure + antibiotics + anything I can find to dull the aching + coffee, and that may = helter-skelter.

I feel like such a baby when it comes to these infected passages in my head. I've given birth to 5 babies. 3 of them without drugs. How can these little insignificant sinuses cause me fear they could be my ultimate demise??

Today is January 11th. That means that I will be 31 in one month. That feels strange. Thirty has been fun. I would even venture to say that it has been one of my best years yet. I've learned alot and gained some confidence. I feel like I am so much more comfortable in my own skin. Getting older really doesn't scare me one bit.

Death by sinuses? yes.

A tissue box not matching? for sure.

My computer dying? you bet.

But not getting older. Bring it.

Turning 31 means that I have had a nose stud for a year and I have had bangs for a year. I have photos, but have never posted them because I like my mom alot. I like her to have a healthy heart. - Oh, I should clarify; I am not talking about photos of me getting my bangs cut.

I'm increasing my hours at the Center for Women, through the winter, to 7 hours instead of 3.5. My first day with these new hours was intense. Alot went on in those 7 hours. I spent a good chunk of my time counseling with a young woman who was facing an unwanted pregnancy. My heart absolutely went out to her and her situation. I put myself where she was and faced her pain along side her.

She is going to be getting an ultra sound at our facility on Friday. I'm going to be next to her, holding her hand.

The fact is not lost on me that the very day after we recognize 9 years since our Joshua died, I will be in a small room with a woman who is contemplating taking the life of her unborn child.

It's not lost on me at all.

{I'm in over my head. I'm right where I want to be.}

Those are lyrics to a song. I haven't heard it in ages, but as I was coming home from working Monday night, and in a very introspective mood, that song came on my radio. Wow. Perfect.

Everything about what I do at the Center can seem over my head. And I'm right where I want to be. For the irony of the situation that I will face this week, it couldn't feel more right.

I will be in that room. I will love on that woman. With the help of our amazing ultrasonographer, I will tell her and show her the truth. I will respect her as a woman, and I will clearly let her know that the choice is hers. And then, somehow, I will surrender the whole situation, as I have done time and again in the 4 years that I have worked there.

This is what God has done for me there: (This is cool. I like it) Every time that I have been in a counseling room with an abortion minded woman, I have suddenly detached from the heart that beats inside of me; the one that has faced losing a child and grieved him each moment since.

That knowledge and tension leaves me, if only for an hour or so, while I look into their eyes and find the deepest compassion in that same heart. It has never once crossed my mind while I discuss the choice they face, their child, and the life and death situation at hand, with them.

I believe it is there in another form, articulating my thoughts and pushing my actions, but not in a conscious way. If it seeped in, I fear I would lose the empathy and compassion that I am able to find deep within.

I think of it later. When they have left. When I go into the office and close the door. when I slide down the wall until I feel the security of the floor beneath. When I press my palm against my forehead and just pray. That's when it begins to enter my psyche.

I think of it in the merging of lights shining into the darkness on my 20 minute drive home. I think of it when I slip into bed alone and wait for Dave to finish class and hold me tight.

"Wow, you are considering ending the life of your child when I would have given anything, just anything, to simply have a glimpse of mine again?"

And it goes as quickly as it came in. Because this isn't about me at all. And next time I see her, if she chooses to come back, The Thought is the furthest thing from my mind.

I am thankful. And I see it for the miracle that it is.

If you think of it, I would love to know that some of you are covering this situation in prayer on Friday afternoon. The ultrasound is at 2:00 eastern time.

Last night Dave had his weekly accountability meeting and I decided that I was going to tackle baths for all the boys + homework for the older two + awana work for the older 3. Simple right? - Well, if sinus infections are insignificant, then yes. *wink*

I had to smile, because as I was in between math with Jay, and switching Noe with K in the tub, the song began playing in my overly pressurized head again. -And really, at that point my head was hurting so bad. I was dizzy-ish and foggy headed, but knew I still had to function as a mom.

"I'm in over my head (throb throb); I'm right where I want to be."

Yes. I am in over my head in alot of situations in my life.

I'm exactly where I want to be.

Sometimes that isn't my first thought, and there are times that I think I am NOT where I want to be. It's too hard, too much, too painful, too stretching.

But something tells me that if that were to change, then the active and living Holy Spirit within me would make me so discontented; so done with comfort and "normal".

That's not what I am here for.

Guess what has cheered this throbbing headed, somewhat weighted hearted mama lately?

-Just a simple message on a little chalkboard. Well, simple in the same way that awana work, homework, and baths for 4 boys all in a couple hours time is simple. -And sinus infections are insignificant. :)

It amazes me how simply walking past that several times a day, and reading the words truly lifts my spirits. I have so much to be grateful for!

Yes, I stole it from Pinterest. Some day when my head isn't about to explode and my eyes aren't threatening to close, and my computer isn't on the verge of death, I will tell you how I try to not say the word "Pinterest" much in our home anymore. Pretty much every cool thing I have done lately; crafting with the boys, fun cute snacks, new recipes, photo ideas, chalkboard messages, have ALL come from - That Website - and Dave is at the point of rolling his eyes whenever he hears it. ;) But really, that message is from THE BIBLE! I didn't steal it, THEY did. So... Hmmph.

Okay, time to end this and seek some rest while it can be found. Windows of rest are so rare and small around these parts.

But I'm right where I want to be. :)

Birthday letters to my two babies

2012-01-03T11:10:00.001-05:00

Dear K,

Yesterday you turned nine.

You do not fit in the palm of my hand anymore {relief}.

Last night your grandma and I were talking about your sweet moments, and then how you can do this 180 and pull attitude like nothing else.

A much as you are sweet,

affectionate,

and loving -

you are also stubborn.

Set in your ways,

and by some definitions of the word, a fighter.

We reminisced about the way you fought for your life.

Day in and day out for many of your first months - you showed that fighting spirit, that I tend to believe is God given.

You have had more scary diagnoses that I care to list.

But you are here.

Not only living - but living in this big, giggly, grinning K way.

From 15 weeks premature, and one and a half pounds, to this

...this nine year old who knows what he wants,
says "I love you" numerous times each day,
and has a kickin' sense of humor.

We love you.

So much.

Beyond words.

You are answered prayer.

You are fear.

You are growth.

You are change.

You are God's faithfulness. In a BIG way. In a way I treasure close to my heart and will never forget as long as I live.

You are our son, and we are very, very privileged by that fact.

This year has thrown alot of changes your way.

A second grade classroom. Big boy stuff.

A new teacher.

A new one on one aide.

Higher expectations.

And there you did that thing again; that thing where you don't do what we expect and do what we don't expect. That's your signature, you know.

You are doing just fine. Fine indeed.

***********************************************************************************

Dear JD,

I will never forget.

I celebrated K.

I felt authentic joy.

And although it should be an established reality for me by now {hello, nine years!}, it continues to feel very divergent to experience a joy that is real while being very aware of that corner of my heart that just aches.

It aches for you.

My son.

We had the celebratory day that K absolutely deserved.

We tucked him in bed, a very happy boy.

Dave and I smiled at each other. No doubt many of the same memories playing out in our minds.

What a joy it is to see your twin grow and thrive.

I think you know.

My heart was so full as I cocooned under my blankets and into your daddy's arms.

So when I cried...and cried...

it wasn't at all for a lack of contentment... or lack of joy.... or unhappiness.

No, not at all.

It was just - you.

Today, nine year ago, I had two babies.

And the heart's memory? - Well, I do believe that it can sometimes retain more than the brain.

Believe it or not {smile} my brain is capable of some logic.

And that logic sees how far we have come.

It recognizes the absence of raw, unfiltered pain.

It sees all the good.

What God has been able to do with the darkest of our days is really beautiful.

We are grateful.

But my heart remembers so much more.

And it just seemed to beat with this rhythm last night,

"I had two babies today, I had two babies today, I had two babies today."

So, to our "baby A", our beautiful Joshua David,

Happy birthday.

You represent growth and goodness and God's faithfulness too. In very different ways than K does, but undeniably, you are a big part of much positive change in our lives.

We love you.

~Mommy

Goin' out with the little dudes

2011-12-31T11:11:00.002-05:00

Sometimes she learns to drop expectations.

{She does that which she tells others to do.
Practice what you preach.
Novel concept.}

Just lives.
and loves

and hugs,
and giggles.

Plays,
and soothes,
and does life.

-Takes it as it comes.
Lives in the moment.

Sometimes she can do that.

And she's hoping to do it more and more in the upcoming year...

*********************************************************************************

Christmas vacation, since last time I checked into this little spot in the internet, has been wonderful.

Coffee dates with friends,

Unheard of relaxed times with my favorite man in the whole GALAXY (sorry, that was totally a Jay sentence. ...Lots of Jay time too apparently),

Sleeping in. Every day. *gasp*

Getting some areas of my home more clean and organized than they have been in ~~days~~ ~~weeks~~ ~~months~~ ~~yea~~... an embarrassing amount of time.

Oh have I ever been blessed in the past week.

This little one is cracking me up. So, so much.

We went on a family date today.

Brought all of our littles out bowling.

Oh, you wish you were there!

Absolutely priceless entertainment value. ;)

The only point of reference that little Mr. 2 year old has of bowling is...

a plush bowling set of animals that Noe got for Christmas.

You say we are going bowling??

Well, we need our little dudes, right??
(He seriously call them "little dudes")

Let's go bowling!

Now, WHY are you not allowing me to set my little dudes up on the lane and throw my ball at them??

You guys obvs. don't know anything about bowling.

So, the little dudes finally just found a comfy spot to observe, much to Kai's momentary consternation.

But, all little dude obsession was quickly forgotten as he fully engaged in the game at hand.

Look at him! Twinkle toes and everything.

Oh! One of the little dudes snuck in there!

Oh yeah,

Little bro rocks at this sport.

Nothin' cuter than size 7 bowling shoes.

Incidentally, mine were size 7 too. Not quite as cute though. But almost. ;)

And then there's this guy.

I haven't yet found the words to explain this;

watching your child grow and do more than you ever thought he would be able to do.

I haven't mastered the vocabulary or articulation to go beyond redundancy and cliche.

It's amazing.

Theme in pictures:

Dave: How about I do all of the work with the droves of children that we have had together, and you can stand behind a camera.

Sounds like a plan.

He was proud of himself.

His brothers cheered him on loudly.

So, as it turns out, loving with out expectations, and living with a grateful heart is recipe for pure joy. :)

Much love from us.

Us who are learning

and growing together

and having the best goofy fun.

Us who fail and stand back up

and learn a little bit more every day what it means to truly love.

Love from us and Happy New Year!

You may find gorgeous photos of matching pajamas... elsewhere

2011-12-27T14:57:00.002-05:00

Visions of sparkly trees (with white lights, if you must know) and angelic little boy (clean) faces wreathed in smiles... and matching pajamas, danced in my head.

Much of my life has this dichotomy. The fantasy... and the reality.

The danger is when I assume that I get the reality, and every one else is living the fantasy. *smiles*

I may laugh at that false assumption, but it still often tantalizes the unsettled parts of my heart and mind.

If you read blogs at all, or are on facebook, or a handful of other social media venues, photos abound this time of year of sweet holiday fan fare.

Homes decorated to perfection.

There are alot of matching pajamas out there folks.

Dave, the boys, and I had a great Christmas. It was by far the most relaxed Christmas we have had an ages. Slowed down and no hurrying here and there. Good.

But there were alot of things that, you know - went differently in my mind than how they played out for realz.

Do you know what my kids wear to bed??

A mismatched assortment of athletic shorts, rarely any shirts at all, and nothing with soft, fleecy, coordinated snowflakes can be found. Even if they could be found, they likely wouldn't be worn.

'Cause, you know, athletic shorts are just so much comfier... and stuff.

So here's the deal. While I was dreaming of playing out this (unoriginal, hijacked from a certain movie) lovely list, that adorns my little chalkboard

(Seemed totally reasonable to me!)

Dave decides to begin a heating project in the basement.

It was fine.. until it took alot longer than I expected and required more of him than I thought was okay.

Seriously, why would we be making our house warm, when there is snuggling to do??

Ah, how the hopeless romantic in me balks at practicality and reality.

Our Christmas Eve plans of attending the beautiful church service, that is always so tastefully done, were thwarted by the reality of a little Noe with a continually climbing fever... I was disappointed, but did get a fair amount of snuggling in. ;) We opened gifts with grandparents and did have a nice evening in.

The key to enjoying that evening in, was being grateful for what we have.

Not dwelling on how I thought things should have gone, but simply living in the reality of how things were going.

Christmas morning dawned sunny and bright.

And coughing and fevers abounded...

I was scheduled to be on worship team at church. Dave was playing trumpet and running the sound board. I was excited at the thought of our ministry involvement in the service on such a special day.

Christmas day...

It was all going to be beautiful

with lightly falling snow

and sugar plums

and holly decking the halls

and mistletoe kisses

when we all changed

out of our matching pajamas

and into our Sunday - Christmas Sunday - best.

Except we don't have mistletoe.

I'm not sure I even know what sugar plums are. Like, maybe plums, rolled in sugar, or something?? Or perhaps some sugary substance that is crafted in the shape of plums?? Tell me, because I am just positive that along with that knowledge will be some kind of Christmas magic that I can put to use next year.

There was no snow.

Everything was brown.

Dave went to church by himself.

I managed the chaos of four little boys, most coughing, a few sick, and all a little hyped up on Christmas excitement.

And no one had matching pajamas. ;)

I took a deep breath, tried to erase preconceived notions of how it was supposed to go, and breathed in my reality.

I looked for the treasures.

Messy faces were wreathed in smiles.

My halls certainly were decked.

Decorated by little boy hands, who found such satisfaction by mama letting them do it all by themselves.

Ornaments made by them - that surely will be treasured.

My man and I don't need mistletoe - because that would limit us to only kissing when we were under it.

Not for us.

Stealing kisses whenever we want to? Yes please. ;)

During our family date last night, out to dinner and looking at Christmas lights, Noe had a melt down about his pineapple getting Jay's drink on it.

Alot of coughing was still going on.

Dave's hours of working on the heating project caught up with him.

Tiredness and sore muscles wore on him.

And Kai decided that he didn't like Christmas lights.

I may have reacted with a wee bit of a selfish meltdown myself, which would have rivaled a two year old on his worst day...

Because, really.... that just wasn't the way I saw it going... in my head.

And today I just have to smile. Because I see the pattern, and I've been here before a ~~million~~ few times.

I need to just live it,

not write the script and be the director, and then go all mad diva director who didn't get 1/2 squeeze of ripe lemon in her filtered water on my family.

Ya'know??

Thank God I am not the director of this life....

There would be alot of snuggling.... but it would for sure be a disaster of ginormous proportions.

My life is sweet.

The blessings are endless.

It is the life God has given me.

It is not the life God has given any body else.

Comparisons are dangerous.

Living in a fantasy world is trouble.

And this is me reaching for the beauty in my reality.

Athletic shorts and all.

So... tonight I am going on a date with my husband.

Pinky promise I am not planning every minute of our evening and dreaming of a perfect night of just the two of us.

Like, I'm not planning on two straws and one drink.

Staring into eachother's eyes.

Talking about our feelings for hours.

Kissing in the snow which will still be gently falling.

Watching a sweet movie at home, while he rubs my feet.

Oh brother.

Emmanuel = He is with us

2011-12-25T10:22:00.000-05:00

My heart has been camping out on this one aspect of Christmas. the name Emmanuel.

It literally means "God is with us".

Maybe you are like me and have heard that many, many times. But I hope you will be like me and let it sink in - all new and fresh.

I just read the Christmas story to my boys - and then we talked about this. About the question that if you were God, would you choose to become human as well? We had many rabbit trails and questions and little boy answers and bathroom breaks... *smile* - but we got the seeds of truth planted and began to really dialog about these great things, too wonderful for a mama to even fully grasp.

God is with us.

He loves us

He created us

He intercedes for us

But the fact that He Is With Us, to me, transcends so much. It is just bursting with implications that are amazing and life changing.

He was with us in humanity, experiencing all that we have and will experience.

And now; well NOW he is with us - residing in our hearts gently leading us, showing us the way to Him. Closer and closer...

Ahhh - it is so good.

This is a favorite of mine ...Wrap our injured flesh around you...
Wow. He did that for us.

To Noah on his fifth birthday

2011-12-24T11:52:00.003-05:00

Dear Noah Benjamin,

Every year on your birthday, since you were 2, I have written a note to you or about you. Today I went back and read them.

When you were turning two, I wrote this,

When you were turning three, I wrote this,

And then last year, on your fourth birthday, this.

A couple of observations: First of all, your mommy may seem a little bit obsessed with the time of day that you were born.

Well, that's because... I am. The end.

Next observation: Every time I have written to you I have commented on your sweet nature,

your compliance,

your easy going tendencies.

Well my little Noe B, you have shown us a few new developments in these areas this year...

Sweet? Yes, always a little bit of a quieter and compassionate nature woven into who you were created to be.

But...compliant? Well, it seems alot of that has been slowly ebbing away as the months of age four have passed.

I know alot of this is very, very normal. :) And yes, expected. Another sign that my "little" Noe is growing up.

You are figuring out who you are.

You are learning so much about your world.

And, well - you are testing mommy and daddy with that level stare and a much more stubborn approach to things than we have ever seen. It has certainly taken some getting used to...

This year you have started preschool.

Leaving home, and mommy, and all things familiar for 2 1/2 hours, three days each week.

You love to learn.

You love it in a way that makes me so very interested to watch you become everything you were meant to be. You are still so kind. Very lovable. So easy for teachers to be drawn to you.

I can see that you are becoming the "good boy" in a crowd. There's much good about that, and then the drawbacks, like judging and tattling. We are teaching you and trying to train you - show you that we so love your desire to do good, but that you don't need to be so concerned about what may seem like bad in others. Alot of balance there. Alot of fine lines. Alot of shaded areas in a very black and white, very literal child.

Dear one, there are many, many things that I could write about you as you begin your year of being five. But I just want to focus on your heart - and commend you for the softness that I see there. You bring alot of joy. Although sharing is hard and the good in you + the selfish human nature in you will always be at war, I see a desire to give. Choosing and initiating to give your brother half of your cookie, or bring gifts to your friends is something we certainly want to nurture.

That good we see in you? - That is Jesus. He is working in your heart. He lives in your heart, and for that we are truly thankful.

A purple bear with pink, turquoise, and purple peace signs and hearts? Yes please! He said. ;) And mama only tried to convince hime once to choose the sweet little cream colored bear that he had in his hand first...

We celebrated you, and our five years with you, in some fun ways! Tacos, cupcakes, a cardboard crown, a little road trip to build-a-bear, grandma's treat. Unfortunately in the midst of our celebrating you spiked a fever and came down with a sore throat and cough. That was a bummer. But you still smiled and tried to enjoy as much as you could.

*Swoon*

The whole family enjoyed your day.

First we made your cupcakes. "With stars on them, because a star showed the shepherds where baby Jesus was." -Per your request. And sweet boy, I would be remiss if I did not record the funniest little story that goes along with that...

I try to be careful not to merge your birthday with Christmas. Yes, you were born 3 days before Christmas, but I want to celebrate you and let you know how special and unique your day is, before we go into the Christmas celebrations. Well, you truly seem to not care. :) You love Christmas, you love your birthday, so what could be better than a mixture of the two??

For the day that you brought treats to preschool for your birthday you chose brownie bites with strawberry santa hats. Pretty Christmasy.

And then for your birthday, the cupcakes with stars. But this is the funny story that I have been getting to: When you requested the star decorations, because the star showed the shepherds where baby Jesus was, you said it was because "this year my birthday is so close to Christmas" and then added, "If my birthday isn't quite this close to Christmas next year, I will have something different, like maybe Noah's ark, on my cake.

Ahh, the sweet innocence of a newly turned 5 year old...

And that is how I would describe you; innocent. For all of the new stubbornness and testing that you may be exercising, it is all tinged in an innocence that makes us smile. I know it will evolve and change as you grow, but something tells me we may always see a glimmer of this. It is who you are, and we sure love you Noe!

Mommy

The photography post

2011-12-18T16:49:00.003-05:00

This post is for beginning and intermediate SLR camera users (camera with removable and interchangeable lenses). The fact alone that I just wrote that definition out should tell you that if you are an advanced camera user... you can go elsewhere for your info. :) I'm no pro - but I have learned so much in the last 2 years! I love sharing what I have learned!

About a year ago I began taking pictures on full manual mode. Believe me; it was with fear and trembling that I moved that tiny dial to "m". And I did go back to aperture priority, shutter priority, and full automatic a few times, I still do, but I am never quite as happy as when I am shooting in manual. Maybe it's my inner control freak... but being able to tell the camera exactly what I want it to do, instead of letting it choose for me, is truly a thrill.

If you are still shooting in auto, let me just say that you need not pressure yourself to change your ways. I think it is important to know what your camera can do, but do not feel like to be a good photographer you need to shoot in manual. I know amazing professional photographers who almost exclusively shoot in automatic. If you just need to capture a shot in a hurry, and do not have time to fiddle with settings, then please, please do not feel like you have to sit there and do so. Just grab that camera, set it on auto, and shoot away! Way too many shots are missed because of the perfectionists among us.

(Geez kettle,
you are so black,
love the pot)

Moving on...

First of all, lets talk about light. After all - photography at it's core definition is all about light.

The three most important things to learn about how your camera interacts with light are:

Shutter speed

Aperture

and

ISO

*happy sigh*

I am such a geek. Wow.

Shutter speed is the exposure time - and basically means how long your camera shutter is open.

My rule of thumb is to never go under 1/60 of a second. Pictures will be blurry if you are hand holding your camera and have your shutter open for a longer length of time than that. A tripod is great if you want a slow shutter speed. With your camera attached to that baby, you can open that shutter for as long as you wish!

A fast shutter speed stops action. So, if you have your shutter speed turned up to like 1/250 than you will get some clear crisp action shots.

The drawback of a fast shutter speed? - You are losing light. If you are having that shutter go open and then shut really super fast, light only has an instant to do its thing.

A couple of things you can do if you need a fast shutter speed and you need more light.

1) Dial up your ISO.

ISO is your cameras sensitivity to light. The higher the ISO, the more sensitive your camera is to the light and the brighter your pictures will be.

The drawback of high ISO? (Ha, yes, there does seem to be a drawback to every cool feature, right??)

With a high ISO, your photos tend to have alot of noise. This means your pictures will look grainy. Sometimes this is artsy and creative looking... sometimes it just looks bad.

My previous camera (which is now my back up camera), the Nikon D60, would do okay with the ISO turned up to 400, anything above that would pretty much just look bad.

My new camera, the Nikon D5100 {*heart flutters*}, can take pretty darn good photos all the way up to ISO 3400. Yes. It's amazing. That means I don't have to use flash hardly ever. That makes me happy.

Which brings me to the next thing you can do to add light....

2) Use a flash.
Not my favorite, but sometimes needed.

I invested in an external flash, Nikon SB-800, and have never been sorry! With the piece of equipment you can aim the flash straight up, and bounce light off the ceiling. This gives a pretty natural look and gives alot of light. I never use my in camera flash. I can't do it. If you have to, you have to. Such is life. But use it as a last option. :)

Another thing you can do to add light is...

3) Use a larger aperture.

What another great segue! (oh man, do I want to put segway - but that's wrong. As much as it feels right. I feel a good country song coming on)

We've covered shutter speed, ISO, and now onto my favorite.

Aperture.

I love aperture. Aperture, aperture, aperture. It can be fun to say too. -Especially if you are tired and/or have had alot of caffeine.

Aperture is how wide the opening in your lens is. The most confusing part? - The lower the number the wider your opening.

Wha??

I know - that's what I said too. But, after a while you get used to it. :)

Most kit lenses can not open much wider than f/4 or so. I have a 50mm lens and a 35mm lens that both have wide aperture capabilities. They go down (which means wide... ) to f/1.8. I highly, highly recommend these lenses!! Well, not both. I had the 50mm first, but I wanted a wider angle, so went with the 35mm. Plus my 50mm was only manual focus. Not good for quick focusing on moving subjects!! -Anyway, for shooting in low light, or a more creative look, these are super sweet lenses!

The thing to remember about shooting with your aperture wide open (like if you have a lens that can shoot at f/1.4 or f/1.8) is that the lower the number (meaning wider the opening... sorry for the redundancy, but I needed it, so of course I am projecting my slow learning on you all as well *wink*) the more shallow your depth of field will be.

A good example of a shallow depth of field is this picture:

Shutter speed: 1/80 sec.
ISO:1600
Aperture: f/1.8

See? Shallow depth of field. Very trendy right now and my favorite style of photography, personally. Where the subject is in crisp focus, but just about everything else is blurred.

A higher aperture number would result in a photo like this one:

-Where the subjects that are close to you and furthest away are all in clear focus (I also did quite a bit of editing to this photo.. so just ignore that right now. :) I will do a post of photo editing some day too).

Shutter speed: 1/100 sec

ISO: 400

Aperture: f/14

One last thing I will cover in this post is shooting in RAW vs. JPEG. Most SLR cameras have a setting to choose if the photographs you shoot will be compressed files (JPEGS's) or the complete data of your cameras sensor (RAW).

Confusing, right?

Yeah, I can't explain it all, but I will say that I almost always shoot RAW these days.

It takes up a l o t more room on my hard drive. {alot} and it requires special software to be able to view the RAW photos.

So WHY would I choose to shoot RAW????

There are a few reasons, but my main reason is {Wait for it... wait for it...}

I have much more control over my images.

I promise I am working on these control issues. With a cherry on top.

Okay, so, I can fix exposure, change white balance (um... another post... when I fully understand it), and really do so much more with a RAW photo.

If you do not have a large memory card (I use a 16GB most of the time), alot of room on your computer, or if you do not edit your photos at all then shooting in RAW is probably not for you at all.

Alrighty. That covers the basics. Leave comments, questions, observations, corrections, or control issue suggestions please.

And do let me know if you have any photo editing questions. I really enjoy this aspect of photography as well.

One guess why...

I may not believe in the guy in the big red coat, but Christmas magic still abounds

2011-12-17T15:46:00.005-05:00

Hello Christmas break.

Hello light dusting of snow.

Hello staying in bed until 9am and getting coffee served to me there.

I never believed in santa, and my kids have always known that santa is a fun pretend story. (don't be hatin' - I won't judge if you won't).

But, I have to say, this morning felt just a wee bit like perhaps there may be something to the whole Christmas magic thing. ;)

Just take a look...

Now we are in from the cold watching Buddy the elf while baby does puzzles and chili simmers on the stove.

We haven't had a day like this in a very long time.

We are all fighting off some yucky tummy stuff,

Dave and I have already had to referee several little boy struggles,

and I accidentally potentially gave K a black eye while Wii bowling, (Oh mother of the year award, why must you always be so elusive?!)

But, I'm choosing to look at the bright and merry side of things... *wink*

Balance in the midst of the most wonderful time of the year

2011-12-11T15:33:00.003-05:00

It really is the most wonderful time.

And it's busy... and we have a tightrope to walk.

Of choosing, do we do this? And that? And all that's in between?

Do we embrace it all? The Spiritual,

and commercial,

and enjoyable,

and traditional?

It's good. Really, really a month that I look forward to all year long.

Kind of like a little girl,

...hoping for that doll that can talk (and maybe even wets).

Would you believe that is what I got one of my boys??

Yes, oh yes. My 2 year old lil' man is getting a doll.

And I am so, so excited to see his face when he opens it...

because he is all about babies ("Me-Me's" in his ever-so-evolving language).

I won't be giving him a baby brother or sister... so, I found the most precious little boy doll...

with diapers and a bottle and everything!

So, it is with this expectancy, and festive exhilaration that we live out these December days.

It is cold, and snowy, and really everything it should be.

But it is crazy how busy we can choose to make ourselves at this time!

Wow, have we been trying to make really wise choices,

be discerning,

and not face burn out, as a family.

This is one of only 3 years in 10 that we will not be making that 500 mile trip to spend Christmas with my family.

Of course I feel my heart drawn west...

but the memories of just a few weeks ago, and our westbound Thanksgiving surprise, are still very much alive and well.

I errantly thought that since we would not be traveling, it would be super relaxing.

Oh, a thousand laughs on me.

Good one Wendi, good one.

We are home... where invitations, opportunities, and busy plans are flying!

This year is about starting new things.

It's about our family of six.

Traditions, cuddling, lots of cookie dough, Classic Christmas movies, and always,

always,

always,

focusing on what it meant for God to send his one and only son to earth.

Some times it is painful to explain it,

in little boy terms.

That cute little baby that Noe sang about in his preschool Christmas program,

that they hear about in Sunday school,

that Mary is cradling in my beloved nativity set....

He came to die.

I don't really mince words when I tell them.

It's a sweet story; the Christmas story and the wonderful birth of baby Jesus.

It is, and we love to tell it and hear it.

But wow, the story is so much bigger than we so often tell, right?

Sometimes it pierces my heart to even think about his birth.

Because I know why He was born.

And I know that the ugly of my heart took that baby and tortured Him.

I want our Christmas to be simple, and family focused, and sweet.

We are looking towards a 17 day stretch of kidos off from school!! (So excited)

They have school all of next week - and then it's all snow boots and cookie cutters,

hot chocolate and driving through Christmas light displays and sleeping in (but only in my dreams).

But through all of that - I just so much want my little family to realize that the baby in the manger came for a purpose that we should be falling to our knees in thankfulness for.

He was/is our deliverer.

The one who redeemed us from being a slave to all that is ugly deep inside of us.

Really wanting to focus on that this year - and every year.

...not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy

2011-12-05T20:35:00.001-05:00

I was reading in Daniel today and was so blown away by the prayer of Daniel in chapter 9. I love this stuff! I love reading things I have read time and again, but being surprised out of my fuzzy zebra slippers by words which I don't remember processing before!

"...we make this plea, not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy. O Lord hear. O Lord forgive. O Lord, listen and act!"

You can just hear the emotional pleading in these words. The utter humility and brokenness.

Those words - the first 14 there: "we make this plea, not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy" - are just embedding themselves in my heart during this advent season. As we prepare for the celebration of Christ's birth I am so struck with how deeply we - all of humankind - need help. We desperately need to be rescued from ourselves!

And every now and then we get a glimpse of our greed stained humanity and how we just have no right to ask a sinless and perfect God for anything.

And yet....

This is what I celebrate as the excitement fills our home this December. I celebrate the "and yet".

The second part of that first sentence: "not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy".

Just let it pierce through the crazy of this month for a minute.

Where emotions mingle

2011-12-02T13:03:00.003-05:00

The past two days have been such a laughable mix of stupid and ecstatic.

Geez, now I have these little voices in my head saying, "Mom, we aren't supposed to say stupid!"

And I am vacillating between changing it to "undesirable" (or some such term that just doesn't quite say it like it is) because, yes, that is MY rule,

..or letting the rebellion kick in, and saying "Stupid, stupid, stupid".

*ahem*

We'll just leave it all as is and move on.

So, after our great snow day + Christmas tree cutting, family bonding, I apparently had a rough time getting back into the groove of what is my regular life routine.

I misjudged my time during our "rush hour" in the midst of getting ready for school, getting back packs ready, making sure everyone was clothed, and getting breakfast around. Thus.... this mixture of wonderful and... "undesirable".

The past 24 hours involved forgetting a backpack, running late, having a van covered in ice, then snow, then more ice, then more snow, and only scraping windows for about 4 minutes to buy time (thus giving myself just little eye holes out the windshield), turning around in what looked like (you know, through those lovely eye holes...) the driveway to a field, but was in fact an ice/mud/snow trap for mom vans.

Running later,

needing to pick up babysitters for our mom's group,

calling Dave,

being towed out,

not steering/braking right while being towed,

just about getting stuck in the ditch parallel to the "Field driveway",

Possibly shedding tears (okay, definitely crying a big ugly, embarrassed cry that smudged mascara and everything...) over a huge blow to my pride...,

Dave dropping the boys off at school,

getting to Mom's group 20 minutes late,

assembling 75 cookie plates,

bringing big grins to the faces of residents at a local retirement community,

singing Christmas carols,

a sweet cookie exchange amongst friends,

trying not to replay ~~stupid~~ bad choices from the morning, throughout the rest of my day,

giving in to tiredness and a short nap instead of folding laundry,

grocery shopping,

lots of Christmas music,

Mom's group Christmas party at Olive Garden,

laughing till tears were literally running down our faces (the good kind this time),

giving and receiving gifts with this great group of gals (possibly including some very personal items and plastic dog poop), (um...not supposed to say that either)

trying to eat burnt chicken - and eventually receiving a full refund for said meal due to friends who won't let me do the crazy 'pretend everything is fine' thing,

coming home to a quiet house and sweet sleep,

the whole crazy morning routine again,

checking my bank account and realizing that a transaction from 2 weeks ago, that I hadn't meant to actually submit, had gone through this morning due to ~~stupid~~ unwise navigating of a tricky website,

being on the phone for a ~~stupid~~ undesirable amount of time with some....undesirable customer service, and eventually getting it all figured out, but not without some frustrating inconvenience on our part,

and finally, have begun preparation for a 24 hour retreat with the Center for Women staff, starting this evening.

1. I really hate doing ... things that proclaim my own incompetence.

Wow. The pride is quite sore today.

That's a good thing... I know. I've been battling pride in a big way, so it's an answer to prayer, but ouch anyway.

2. I can't help but just laugh at the high highs and low lows that have come so close together in the last couple of days...

3. And lastly, on an unrelated, but equally undeniable note, baby bro is getting cuter every day and I can hardly stand it.

That is all.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 30

2011-11-30T22:24:00.004-05:00

Dear November,

It's been good.

No, I mean it. It's been really, really good.

And oh, how you chose to go out! What a marvelous wintery white day! -A snow day in which the boys awoke on their own (the joy of not being awakened by mama hurrying you around!) and the curtains were pushed aside to show them the wonder that their world had become. No school was certainly icing on that cake!

This day has been a sweet representation of this month.

November, you have taught me much about thankfulness. I thought I was thankful before, and I was - in a "oh, we always have food on the table" kind of a way.

But the past 30 days have been more about pausing, reflecting, and finding the beauty in all of it.

Today: Thankful hardly comes close. It was beautiful! I was up at 5:45 and soon after, got the message that all area schools were closed.

I got some laundry done and had some sweet time with my Bible, highlighter, journal, and pen (*happy sigh*).

One by one the boys began to get up. Those bed head sporting, eye rubbing, little men bobbling down the stairs with confusion on their faces, as to why mama had not awakened them, made my smile wide.

I just turned around and opened the curtains. The sun was arising with these glowing beams of pink and a tangerine orange color. It made the snow sparkle - as if it just couldn't wait to reveal itself to the boys of the house.

And I thought my smile was huge.

After telling the boys there was no school,

("At all today?! Are you sure?! NONE?!"),

I whipped up some baked oatmeal. There was such a festive excitement in the air.

Oh, and it was pretty loud.

The Green girls risked their lives out on the highway to come see us and our kidos played together out in the lovely winter wonderland.

It was good. And I am thankful!

Visiting with a dear friend, sipping warm beverages, talking about thankfulness... How very fitting.

When Dave got home we waited for Kai to wake up from his nap, and then headed out to a Christmas tree farm down the road. For the first time we picked out our own growing tree, and cut it down. Fun stuff!

K loves all things Charlie Brown. You can probably deduct why this photo was taken. No, this did not end up in the back of our truck. :)

Poor Lil' Kai was nearly hip deep in snow, in some areas, so I picked him up and we made a big deal about every tree we saw.

The sun was setting and the entire area smelled like Christmas.

Thankful. It's becoming more and more like a heart beat instead of a choice.

Our next stop was to buy more lights, giggle at the silly santas, and ogle the sparkling pre lit trees at Lowes. We finished out trip to town by swinging through the Little Ceaser's drive through (You gotta love a hot n' ready pizza on paper plates some nights...).

After dinner I started in on the second half of the 8 dozen cookies needed for our Mom2mom cookie give away and cookie exchange tomorrow morning.

Insert fact: Eight dozen is alot.

The boys helped cut sugar cookies out for a while, but then it was bed time, and since we can't count on every day being an enchanted winter wonderland of sleeping in and no school, they really needed to get to bed.

I just watched the lighting of the Rockefeller Christmas tree and am in process of painting all of these cookies.

I have much to be thankful for. And the past 30 days have given a jump start to some really important things in my heart.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 29 {Thankful for some down time}

2011-11-30T06:28:00.000-05:00

I am learning a new photo editing program, so today I thankful to have such great technology at my fingertips. It takes me a while to learn new things. I'm hoping to pick up on all of this quickly to get through the work that is waiting to be completed.

Today: I am thankful for some down time. I am so glad that Tuesdays continue to be a lull in my week. It is the only day that has more than a couple of hours of down time.

I am grateful today for a sub, working as Caleb's one on one aid at school, who he just adores. He is doing so well with all of the changes he has had to face this year, and I am proud of him. We have very grateful hearts concerning all who give him the extra help he needs in school! We are so blessed.

I am thankful today for Christmas music.

I am thankful for coffee. I hesitate to put that, because I'm pretty sure in the last 29 days it has made it into at least 2-3 posts. I don't want to be redundant on the blog... but it is what it is. I am redundantly thankful for coffee, and there is no sense in hiding it.

I am thankful for our bedroom, and what a relaxing oasis from the "crazy" that it is. The remodel we did two years ago was alot of work, but so very worth it! I may have locked myself in there with a book and steaming tub filled up to capacity this evening while Dave controlled the chaos downstairs. And by controlling the chaos, I mean played Wii.

I am thankful for my crock pot. There's just nothing like being able to take care of, and then forget about, supper by 7:30 am...

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 28 {Thankful for succesfully hitting the ground running}

2011-11-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

Today: Realty. Monday. Routine. Unpacking. Catching up. Balancing the check book.

Whew.

So grateful for motivation in getting things done that needed done.

A simple statement, but a big deal to me.

By noon there was fresh milk, bread, cheese, and cereal in the house, AND you you could see my kitchen floor.

This is the floor where everything was dropped last night. All of the suitcases, bags, food items, and various strange paraphernalia that accumulates during a trip. It was just dumped onto my kitchen floor in tiredness. This is the post trip routine, and often you can not see my kitchen floor for a few days. Thus, the thankfulness over the ability to not only see my floor, but to see that it was vaccumed and mopped.

I am grateful for Dave's flexible schedule and for today being a day to stay home and study all day long. Studying just didn't happen for him while on vacation, so he made up for it while I unpacked.

I am thankful once again for Arlona's willingness to step in so that I can step out. Another night at the Center for Women, and ministering to three women in particular tonight.

Grateful for friendships here, even as I am a bit wistful for the ones I have just come away from.

Thankful for Hannah, and some great talks with her tonight.

Thankful for those who make here even more homey for me.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 27 {Thankful for tender hearts and home}

2011-11-27T20:23:00.002-05:00

Today: I am thankful for being semi organized and packed up by a decent hour.

I am thankful for memories made.

I am so glad that my boys are becoming closer and closer to their cousins. This makes it hard to leave for them, but we try to show them the good.

Noe and Jay both had tearful heartaches on the way home.

Crying quiet tears and trying to articulate what was in their hearts.

"Mom, I wasn't ready to come home"

"Mom, I don't understand why we don't live in Iowa"

"Mom I miss Aaron!"

"Mom, why do we live so far away from Grama Pat?"

"Mom, my tummy feels funny and I am so sad".

Ahhh - signs of love in the little ones hearts and opportunity to talk through feelings.

I used to go through this every time the trip was made.

Asking many of the same questions myself....

But then God did an amazing work in my heart.

He helped me to trust him more and more and to see that home was where He placed me.

Home was where I was serving with my whole heart.

Home was where my man was and home was where ever He asked me to go.

But these little ones... they are where I was at a few years ago.

I try to treat each question, each tear, each concern, with grace upon grace.

"Yes, I know. I get it. I understand. Let's talk about it. I'll tell you, and you can tell me, and we can tell Him".

I am thankful for a very safe and experienced driver for a husband. Years of over the road trucking give a certain intuition that is appreciated. The interstate was busy today; very, very busy. We were safe and arrived home in about 9 hours.

And at the end of it all was home. Our home. Waiting for us with that smile of brick and windows.

God has been good to us.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 26 {Thankful for their 40 years}

2011-11-26T23:14:00.000-05:00

Today: I am thankful for a morning photo shoot with my sister, brother in law, and three nephews. For an accelerated Christmas card design session, and being able to do what I love with my family. - And of course, grateful for an understanding sister when we noticed that not even one of the photos presented us with every one looking at the camera and smiling...

I am grateful for the opportunity to see some of Dave's family as well, and another reminder of the many who love us and who are loved BY us.

So, so thankful for Dave and Mike... and their understanding and willingness to watch 7 boys (s e v e n!!) for 4 hours so that Trish and I could catch some girl time, shopping + Starucks + laughing so hard we may have gotten a few strange looks.

And today, especially, I am thankful down deep that my parents stayed together. Today we celebrate that. We know that being married is hard. It's sweet. There is nothing like the companionship and incredible sharing that we gain when we are married. But, seriously, we know it takes work every day.

And they have worked at it. We know their story. We know it got hard. And here they are.

So we rented a room at Pizza Ranch, My oldest sister April made a beautiful cake, we all gathered in and presented them with our gift - a boat ride on the Mississippi at the time of their choosing - and we celebrated.

{So thankful!}

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 25 {Thankful for friendships that last}

2011-11-25T23:07:00.000-05:00

Today: I am so thankful for the relationship I have with my sister. For late night talking, and just soaking up the time of being in the same state, indeed, the same house!

I am grateful for friendships that last for years... and picking up right where we left off. So glad to call this sweet girl my friend, and for the heart understanding that we share. Seeing her today, and her newest bundle of sweet baby boy, was a treat!

Thankful for seeing my mom and dad again, and their generosity in loading us up with a central air set up that they no longer had a need for.

I am even thankful for the silly fact that I lost my voice today... because really, it means that I have been sleeping little and chatting it up much. It is inconvenient, and makes parenting rather tough, but I'll take it.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 24 {Thanksgiving day 2011}

2011-11-24T22:55:00.001-05:00

Today: Thanksgiving day.

So much to be thankful for! I am tired and happy and truly, truly thankful.

Today: I am thankful for food preparation at my brother and sister-in-law's house and much peeking out the window to see when my parents would arrive.

Today: I am smiling about the plans we have been making behind my parent's backs for the past couple of months. I am thankful for siblings working together, even when it got tough.

I am thankful for the love that we share, and most importantly, our unified desire to honor my parents this Thanksgiving, and two days after this Thanksgiving.

On November 26th, 1971 my parents got married. Forty years is a big deal. A big deal that says, "No, we won't just celebrate it at Christmastime, like mom suggested. :) But we are going to work it out so the whole family can be together this Thanksgiving and this November 26th to celebrate all of the good. All of the reasons to be thankful".

I am thankful for the smiles on their faces and the love that surrounded all of us.

I am thankful for bacon in green bean casserole and three different kinds of cheesecakes. Yes, I am. *wink*

I am grateful to God for the amazing weather he gifted us with today.

I am thankful for cousins playing, Kai napping on Dave's chest, and hours with my family, who I so rarely see.

So much to be thankful for.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 23 {Now that the secret is out I can write about it}

2011-11-23T22:55:00.000-05:00

Today: I am so thankful for safety on the roads. Driving between Michigan and Iowa is something we have done many, many times. It almost feels like our vehicles could be put into gear and just do this path by themselves.

And yet, I never want to take for granted the many times we have safely arrived there and back.

Today: I am thankful for the 9 hours in the truck and the family time.

I am thankful for little boys who have been doing this trip since most of them were only weeks old, thus getting very used to it.

I am so grateful that Dave put those extra tools in at the last minute, as we were driving out of our driveway, and I am grateful for the ease and speed at which those tools helped him change our tire just outside of Iowa City.

I am thankful for my sisters warm and welcoming home and the excitement that is brewing.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 22 {Thankful for anticipation and a hubby who can fix pretty much anything}

2011-11-22T19:53:00.001-05:00

Today: I am thankful for the excitement that is floating around this house.

Did that excitement make some little boys have massive mood swings,

and were the down swings barely tolerable for this mama??

Indeed.

But I will focus on the excitement... I truly am thankful for it!

I am glad that today was the last day of school for K and Jay, until next Monday. Meaning we will be spending a few relaxed days together as a family. That makes my heart very, very happy.

I am so thankful that before he went to work, Dave noticed that the pump on our outdoor wood burner, our main heat source, was not working properly. I am grateful for his seemingly limitless practical knowledge and how quickly he was able to get it fixed right up.

The wonderful, cozy, heat in our home is something I am daily thankful for in the winter. We are so blessed!

I could not forget to be thankful for much productivity today! I had alot that needed to be done. Right now it is 7:49. My house is quiet. Most of my to do list has been completed. I'm hard pressed at the moment to think of a more satisfied feeling.

I just have to add this very superficial thought for the night: I'm really thankful for chocolate. It would be a big ol' lie if I didn't write that in here some where. ...And I am so grateful for a sweet man, I can call mine, who is skilled in all things cooking/baking, and picks up well on hints... ;)

{Feeling blessed!}

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 21 {Thankful for mental notes sticking and for humor}

2011-11-21T20:56:00.002-05:00

Today: I am very grateful for my dad. For the day of his birth and all of the wonderful things that his life means to all of us.

I am thankful that I remembered every thing I needed to remember in this super packed day. Seriously, there were so many mental post-it-notes covering my brain... and I don't have the greatest track record when it comes to mental notes.

I remembered Noe's muffin mix he needed to take to preschool

I remembered K's plastic cups he had to take to 2nd grade.

I remembered that Jay's reading log was due today.

I remembered to call in K's prescription today and pick it up (double score!!).

I remembered to drop 2 photo CD's in the mail and two bills that needed to be paid.

I knew where my keys were at all times today (sadly, this is noteworthy...).

I remembered that Dave had signed up to bring supper to his class tonight, and made stuffed shells, plus potato soup for the boys and grandma.

Sent emails that needed attention, looked over homework that needed to be done, and crossed several things off my to-do list.

I went to the Center for Women, but remembered that I had to leave an hour and a half early to pick Jay up and take him to his Thanksgiving play. I remembered my camera to take pictures of him in said play (not so noteworthy whatsoever. It hardly leaves my side. Apparently camera >keys).

Whew. Thankful for all of that!!

I am laughingly grateful for the sense of humor that this family has. So very entertaining every single day! I'm still laughing over Jay's words about my hair. "Mom, it's probably good that you had to stay home from church yesterday with K and Kai. You probly would have been embarrassed to go. You know...

(*whispers loudly behind his hand*)

"about your hair!"

I couldn't stop laughing. I said, "Jay, it really isn't so bad!" And his lovely reply, "Mom, it's pretty weird...".

Love that kid.

So... here it is. And I have to be honest. It's even brighter/more unnatural looking in person...

It's kinda growing on me though. Don't tell anyone...

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 20 {Thankful for cuddles and days at home}

2011-11-20T15:27:00.001-05:00

Today: I am thankful for the mixed blessing that is sick kids.

Of course I do not want my little ones to be unhealthy and uncomfortable. But sometimes sickness does slow us down, just as we need to be.

There are no fevers here, just a wheezing baby and a coughing, runny nosed K. I am thankful for soft tissues. I am thankful that our insurance company saw the wisdom in getting us our own nebulizer. We use that thing so often. It is very helpful in putting this mama's heart to rest when I am able to get medicine right into their wheezing lungs!

I missed being at church this morning, but I am so grateful for a ponytail, sweatpants, cuddle day.

I am grateful for my 2 year old's "Up mama, uhhhppp!" And the laying down of his head on my chest. Oh my, is that my favorite!!

Grateful for hours to spend editing and finishing up some clients photos. I hate making people wait, but the past couple of months have been so busy for our photography business.

And for that I am so grateful.

I'm not sure specifically what I expected when Kristin, Hannah, and I started this creative adventure, but suffice it to say my expectations have been exceeded! Just knowing that people trust me to capture their moments and preserve their memories is an honor to me.

I'm so thankful for feeling more rested today than I have felt for a very long time.

I'm loving time with my boys. Laughing so hard with K, while putting animal puzzles together, that we are rolling around on the living room floor. His laugh... man, if you haven't heard it you have missed out on something beyond precious...

I am thankful that tonight's menu lists our favorite soft pretzel's and mozzarella sticks. It's going to be good!

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 19 {Thankful for getting needed chores done, and that the color red will fade}

2011-11-20T15:07:00.001-05:00

Today: I am thankful for not having to awaken to an alarm (!). Let's just let that one sink in for a while...

*Super happy contented sigh*

I am so thankful for a hardworking husband, who finally had some time to get some much needed projects done around the house and yard.

I'm thankful for my washing machine. The "large capacity" alone is enough to make me do a happy dance.

I am grateful for a day to get caught up on on a few things that had been looming menacingly.

I am thankful for friends who ask me to be their photographer. I love that.

I am grateful for the financial means to stock up on food for my boys.

I am happy for shopping trips alone. Radio turned up in my mini van on the drive there and back, and no one grabbing all things eye catching and sugar infused at the stores. Heavenly.

I am thankful for a husband who is willing to be my very own personal hair coloring stylist... ;)

And... I am grateful that when "dark auburn" is actually "Unnatural flaming red" I only have a couple of weeks to wait for it to fade to a nice... dark auburn.

Hehehehe ..... ah, I love my life.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 18 {Thankful for the strain that causes growth}

2011-11-18T21:38:00.001-05:00

One thing that is a little bit hard about this 30 days of thankfulness thing is that I am journaling my thankfulness every single day - meaning that, if I am honest, I will be journaling through some hard stuff as well as really good stuff. ... And taking all of you with me through the up's and down's this whole month. That makes blog journaling every day challenging and revealing.

It's part of the whole exercise of this though; helping me to see the truth of 1Thessalonians 5:16-18.

16 Always be joyful.

17 Never stop praying.

18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Tyndale House Publishers. (2004). Holy Bible : New Living Translation. "Text edition"--Spine. (2nd ed.) (1 Th 5:16-18). Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers.

That "Be Thankful in ALL circumstances"... is a challenge. I am learning more and more about what this means.

I used to think I had to be thankful for everything. Like - huge grin, over joyed about every.single.crazy. thing that happened.

No. :)

It's more of a "Even when hard/crazy/unexpected things happen retain your thankfulness". Maybe not necessarily directly related to the hard/crazy/unexpected circumstances...but just our over all joy.

The joy of our salvation. If we had the correct perspective, that would be enough. Overflowing, bringing us to our knees - enough.

Gratefulness for all we have been given. So much we don't deserve.

I believe this is what those verses mean.

Not, "I am so thankful that my 2 year old just coughed so hard he threw up during lunch time! This is fantastic!"

But, "Wow. That was not how I thought our lunch time was going to go. That wasn't cool. But, I am not going to allow a bad attitude about the yucky clean up job awaiting me to rule my heart. There is way too much good in my heart to have any room for complaining!"

Make sense?

Okay, so to my thankfuls...

I am so thankful for my Noe B and his sweet little preschool Thanksgiving feast. Complete with cheese, crackers, fruit, and every delicious pie you could think of. So grateful for these memories in the making. My 4 year old (for only another month!) reciting poems with hand motions and nervous glances, hoping he is saying it all right.

Thankful that we were seated next to a dear friend, who I just don't get enough time chatting with anymore.

I am grateful that Dave and I had made plans to go out together tonight. And that we stuck to our plans. The past couple of days have been hard for us... and date night seemed like it could be more challenge than fun tonight. Alot of work. Conversations we didn't necessarily want to have.

I feel like when we hit the one year mark of Dave being in school we hit a bit of a wall...

It seemed to all just pile on us. The amount of time he has had to spend studying. The dwindling hours that we have spent together as a family, and together as a couple. The added strain. It all just kind of hit home. There was this weariness that settled around us.

That led to what I think of as "weeds" popping up in our relationship. Things that aren't inherently bad... but could potentially lead to a downward spiral. Little red flags, signaling that maintenance was needed.

So we went out for pizza. Amazingly delicious Chicago style deep dish pizza, I might add.

I am thankful for an evening of just the two of us. Time to talk, even though it was neither fun nor easy conversations. I am thankful for a date that was part loving togetherness, and part pain.

I am so grateful that we have something to fight for.

I am thankful for tears that cleanse, and for delicious food. At the same time.

I seriously was getting a little weepy in our booth at the pizza place, and in mid sentence said, "Wow, this is amazing pizza!" And of course that made us laugh and was just good for the soul...

I am grateful for a willing grandma babysitter, a quiet house, boys asleep, and much needed rest.

Today: I am so grateful for my marriage. For a man willing to work through some of the tough stuff of life. Listening to me, caring about my feelings, and urging me to grow.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 17 {Thankful for Technology, even though sometimes I want to use profanity when dealing with technology}

2011-11-17T19:14:00.007-05:00

Today: I am so thankful for the ability to instantly take digital images, retouch them, and burn them onto discs.

To be able to log onto this web of world wide proportions, and chat with someone hundreds of miles away.

To order handmade gifts within minutes.

And Pandora? Thankfulness for intuitive internet radio may seem superficial, but lets be honest, I am {thankful... not superficial. Most of the time.}

Gee, I love technology, but not as much as you, you see.... {Extra points if you can identify this movie line}

Why yes, I was frustrated with technology not living up to my expectations today.

Why would we take over 2 hours to burn a DVD, now? NO reason.

Why would we freeze up every few seconds?

Why must we fight?

Why do we taunt each other so? What a love/hate.

Oh, and really? Since when does a camera upgrade mean that our photo editing software is now obsolete?!

That's fighting dirty, and it's not really fair.

And upgrading the photo editing software nearly making my laptop obsolete?!

No, no, no. None of that.

Of course I can't play that game. I would never be able to afford that game.

Even through the name calling and gigabyte slandering, I truly am thankful for the modern strides in technological advances.

Perhaps I just need a Mac?

Moving on...

Today: I am thankful for a large jacuzzi tub in our bedroom. I don't know if it was technology's fault or not, but I ended up with some form of a pulled muscle in my back. Not cool.

Right now picking up K or Kia is not feeling super.

The jacuzzi tub was amazing and wonderful. I never thought I would have something like that in my bedroom.

And I am so thankful!

Now on to the heating pad and more thankfulness for electricity!

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 16 {Thankful for tangible provision and intangible grace}

2011-11-16T21:04:00.000-05:00

Today: I am ever so Grateful for God's provisions.

Grateful for Sam's Club and super sized... everything.

Grateful for a new pair of fluffy slippers.

And so very thankful that God can use me in Wednesday night church ministry in spite of being rushed, struggling through evening chaos, and an all around bad attitude.

His grace is something I can't touch, or see, or quantify.

I know it is very big though. It has to be to continually pull my heart out of the muck of this world and back to the purity of Himself. It just has to be.

And that makes me thankful.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 15 {Thankful for my Jay}

2011-11-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

Today: I snuck him out of first grade just a wee bit early.

I wondered if he would remember - we had plans.

But didn't have to wonder for long, because I saw this wavy blond mop of hair as he peaked out, tippy toed, above his classmates to spot me.

"Mom, this is fun!" I heard it alot this afternoon. And I am thankful.

First stop was ice cream. Chatting. Letting him pick where we would sit {outside, of course!} and which way the conversation was steered.

I am thankful for one on one time with my boys. I have big plans of making this a very regular thing with each of them!

Oh this boy. This ice cream on his face, never a dull moment, full of life little man. He makes my heart melt.

It's an interesting thing to experience the different kinds of love for each little one God has brought into our family. Certainly not more or less love, but yes, different styles, different flavors, if you will.

My love for K is protective and soft. Nurturing. As if I posses a miracle and must treasure it deep in my heart.

My love for Noe is giggly and sweet. Quiet and consuming. He has always been a comforter; compliant and naturally affectionate.

My love for Kai is this mommy/baby I-want-to-chew-on-your-chubby-cheeks-and -get-a-euphoric-high-from-inhaling-your-head kind of love. So deep. So connecting and entwined multiple times around my heart.

But Jay.... My love for him is kind of fierce. Fierce like a fire in my heart. Like he can push my buttons more than anyone else...

He is very similar to me in many ways. And I think this colors the style of love I have for him. Oh boy do we butt heads sometimes.... what a love, what a heart wrenching, rollercoaster, big love.

It started in the womb. I was 5 weeks prego when I found out. There was elation and fear {alot}.

And then he came and he wasn't what I expected. I can only imagine I wasn't what he expected either.

He would cry. I would cry. He would cry. I would cry.

I would paste a smile on my face. I would meet his needs. But when people would leave, or the lights would go out. I cried. And cried. And cried...

The only time he didn't cry was when he was nursing or sleeping.

And I Loved that little blond headed boy with every fiber of my being. It was a Love born out of this desperate collision of reality, motherlove, extreme lack of sleep, post partum hormones gone crazy,and a huge helping of God's infinite grace.

And that is how it became fierce.

And then one day that yowling, red, tense, little bundle of baby boy looked up in my eyes with his big blue ones, and he smiled.

And something happened; I started liking him.

My Jay. My chubber-boo. My Jay-kee-poo. My Bay-Jay. Yep. I'm thankful for him.

Fierce love is good.

We had a lovely afternoon!

Ice cream, great talks, and hair trims at my salon.

What could be better?!

Seriously, this was his first haircut not done by me or Dave. :)

It's still long. He instructed her specifically how he wanted it. And keeping it long was part of his instructions. But, it is trimmed up and he is oh-so-handsome-as-ever.

Today: beyond thankful for our third born, seemingly second born, who has taken over many first born characteristics in our fam.

{love my Jay}

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 14 {Thankful for his mom}

2011-11-14T20:44:00.002-05:00

Today: I am thankful for the helpful spirit of my mother in law.

When Dave signed up to re-enter college over a year ago, we found out the only night that would work for him to attend this program, geared towards working adults, was each Monday night.

-Might not sound like a big deal. To me, it was.

See, Monday nights have been very special to me for about 4 years now. This is the night that I go do my volunteering at a local crisis pregnancy center. Not only has this been the source of significant growth and ministry opportunity in my life, but I have formed bonds with the people I minister along side of that are of family material. It wouldn't work for me to volunteer any night other than Monday, because they aren't open in the evenings any other night.

We had some tough conversations. I learned some important lessons about supporting my husband whole heartedly. I prayed about my heart and attitude. I realized that no matter what ministry I am in, my ministry as standing behind my husband and making it possible for him to do what he is called to is the most important.

And right on the cusp of stepping back from my ministry for a season, Dave's mom told us that she would come over every Monday night to watch our boys.

So that he could go to school.

And I could continue volunteering.

And I don't really know if she could ever fully comprehend what that has meant to us.

The boys love it. They get grandma time every week. They know when Monday rolls around that they have a treat waiting for them in the afternoon and evening.

For me it has meant so much.

It has meant a continuation in a ministry where God has showed himself to me in ways I previously did not know him.

It has been a nice break from the mommy routine.

It means that I don't really notice the extra evening apart for Dave and I, because we are both busy, out doing what we know we are supposed to do anyway.

For the past 13 months, other than times she has been out of town, My mother in law has shown up at 3:00 every single Monday.

She did today too. And I am thankful. Very, very thankful.

When I left the house Kai was squealing and running around the house with grandma. Noe was grinning. The other boys weren't home from school yet, but had plans of reading books and telling stories to grandma.

When I got home the house was quiet. They were tucked snuggly in bed. Dishes were in the dishwasher.

I had the opportunity to be out in the community, meeting the needs placed before me.

I talked to a young couple tonight about the upcoming ultrasound for their first baby. I answered questions and made reassurances.

I have learned more from this ministry than any knowledge I could ever impart to the clients who walk through the doors of the Center for Women.

What a blessing.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 13 {Thankful that He is our glue}

2011-11-13T20:35:00.000-05:00

Today: I am thankful that we know marriage is work and that Dave and I are both willing to roll up our sleeves and dedicate ourselves to that work.

I am thankful that even in the uncomfortable "off" moments of "us", we know that ultimately we are united.

Ups and downs are plenty over here in our household.

I am always thrown off when there is this sweet smooth sailing, all seems to be wonderful with "us", and then suddenly there is an unexpected derailment.

There's this feeling of marital whiplash.

*shudder* I don't like it.

Today there were smiles,

and church,

and busyness,

and then words,

a look,

hurt feelings,

defensiveness,

escalating emotions,

....and then that feeling that follows, which I can only describe as "yuck".

Today: I am thankful that Jesus is our glue.

Without Him how tempted we would be to neglect the work.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 12 {Thankful for help}

2011-11-12T22:31:00.000-05:00

Today: I am humbled and grateful for people who care about our family.

To take hours out of their weekend...

To get dirty (seriously, all over body + eyes, nose, and mouth gritty, dirty) and dive into physical labor...

For our family.

Thankful doesn't even begin to describe it,

but I am,

so it will.

We have a wood burning furnace outside. We heat our entire home with it. It also has an element that we have added to our water heater, and we no longer have to use electricity to heat our water.

Free heat and hot water? What could be better??

Welllll.... It is very wonderful. But, alot, alot, alot of work {free is a relative term I suppose}.

Every year we try to fill a little shed, that sits next to our house, with fire wood. Usually Dave will work away at this task an hour here and an hour there, in the evenings after work.

It takes a while. Lots of cutting, stacking, loading, and unloading wood.

Once the shed is completely full, we are pretty set for the winter.

The shed is usually full by November.

We live in Michigan. Not having at least several rows of wood in the shed by November is recipe for anxiety. Especially for Dave...

This year Dave is a full time student. He happens to be in a stressful accounting class.

This morning, November 12, the shed looked like this.

Empty.

And then this happened:

And this:

And by afternoon the shed looked like this:

Full.

Completely full.

Kind of like our hearts.

I literally could watch this burden melt away from Dave's shoulders as the day wore on.

He's a provider. He works hard. This year has been different for him, and I know it has been hard for him to feel behind in some areas.

This was really big for us.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 11 {Thankful for delightful snow flakes, and pausing to let gratefulness sink in}

2011-11-11T15:35:00.001-05:00

The first snow of the year came yesterday.

Oh their faces... the joy and awe. I don't think Kai remembered the fluffy little flakes from a year ago. He was no less than thoroughly delighted.

And I am thankful.

Today: my heart feels extra full. I am grateful for an evening carved out for my man and going out with friends to a JJ Heller concert.

I am thankful for our warm home, and the way it almost seems to smile a welcome when I return to it.

I am thankful for the joy and delight that I live as I watch my boys experience it.

I am grateful for that moment last night when we slowed the scurrying around. It's like a dance that is complicated and too high tempo for me to keep up with; the after dinner clean up. So, we paused. Dave just held me for a moment. I think he knows that some times to get me to slow down, he has to physically stop me...

I told him that I was so happy, and it was truth.

He's is in a class that is stressing him out.

I am working hard to complete photos in a timely manner.

We are preparing for winter, and there is much wood cutting/loading/stacking to be done.

The windows of time that we have to see eachother have only narrowed of late.

BUT - I am thankful. I say that in complete authenticity.

If I were to wait until things settled down... well, that's not happening is it?

The key to true contentment is finding it *here*. Right now, right in the yuck, and the tough, and the fast paced.

Pause.

And be thankful.

It's working.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Days 9 & 10 {Thankful for friends and for breakfast that I was served}

2011-11-10T14:02:00.002-05:00

Yesterday: I had a long post being written in my head. It was about how incredibly thankful I am for friends. How relational I am, how much I long for community, how I went through a lonely time period about 18 months ago and how God brought me out of that in the neatest ways.

It was very sweet, and it fit so nicely in the thankfulness posts.

But I literally only have a five minute window to do this, and until technology moves forward to mind reading computers or I have more time... the post being written in my head will have to stay there. :)

*** I have to interrupt this post to write something I am thankful about this very minute!!

We have electricity.

I got home from mom2mom this morning and our power was off. I don't know how long it had been off, but the estimated restoration time was over two hours from now, so I am one happy girl!!

I just thought this was super fitting for my thankful post. Electricity is amazing and far too often taken for granted.

{Thank you Jesus}

That is all***

Yesterday I was struck once again by how thankful I am for like minded friends. I spent the morning with Rachel, and the evening teaching awana with some other friends.

This morning I went out to breakfast with my mom2mom group; eight ladies who I get to hang out with every Thursday morning and share the good, the hard, and the crazy of motherhood with.

Today: I am very aware of, and so thankful for, the amazing women that God has placed in my life. They encourage me, pray for me, and make me laugh. (definitely a longer post coming someday about how very much this means to me!)

Today: I am thankful for the privilege of some one else making me breakfast, serving it to me, and cleaning it up. ;) Every now and then, that is just a beautiful thing to this mommy...

And can I just say wow to Roxy's cafe?? Sweet little place. All you locals should check it out! I definitely will not need to eat for the rest of the day after my little visit there!

Today: I am thankful for our small group. It is hard for 5 families to clear their schedules twice a month to meet. But it is important, and we have tried to protect our time to make it happen. I'm thankful to be meeting with these dear families tonight and discuss chapter 1 of Crazy Love.

And now, I must decide to be thankful for all of these wonderful dishes that need washed and wonderful clothing that needs folded. :)

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 8 {Thankful for Tuesdays}

2011-11-08T19:59:00.002-05:00

Ah Tuesday, how special you are becoming to me...

Today: I am thankful that I learned a few things about packing my schedule and facing burn out over the last few months. Mostly, I am thankful that through some wise re-prioritizing, rescheduling, and decision making, I have been able to make Tuesdays a bit of a reprieve day for myself. We all need a day of rest. When that can happen may be unique to each one of us. I am thankful that it is beginning to happen for me. On Tuesdays.

Today: I am overflowing with thankfulness that I have someone doing life with me.The sweet companionship would stand alone as blessing enough for a lifetime, but today I am just so grateful for the help I have through all of life's demands.

The time he took with K's homework tonight... the extra time with printing out a number chart, explaining it all slowly, so much patience.

Getting their pajamas on, taking them up to their beds, praying with them. This is of more value to me than just about anything I can think of at the moment. I am so grateful.

Today: I am grateful for the quiet of a gray misty day. Warm beverages, soft blankets, and hours of photo editing. What a great feeling to be productive, while relaxing and doing something I love!

{Grateful}

Today: The sweet sounds of a preschooler and first grader quoting their poems and songs for thanksgiving plays still ring in my ears. Even if I was trying to catch a few minutes of quiet... in the bath tub... and their zealous performances had to take place in my once silent sanctuary.

I recognize the blessings for what they are. I could complain, but that would not be fun at all. :) Instead, they are being added to my grateful lists. Those sweet voices. Those amazing capacities to learn, memorize, and giggle alot in the process.

{Find the silver lining}

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 7 {Thankful for hope, friends, and serving}

2011-11-07T22:09:00.001-05:00

Today: I am thankful for that little unpretentious place down the road and around the bend, where a part of my heart is. ...Grateful for those few minutes, while running errands, when I stepped onto that familiar ground and saw our last name carved in stone.

Overflowing thanks to Jesus for the healing that allows me to stand beside the grave of our little boy and smile... feeling so much hope, so much joy, so many things I thought I would never feel again on that cold day when we stood in that exact spot, over 9 years ago.

I am thankful for music. Today I edited photos to the smooth sounds of Adelle, Natalie Grant, Paul Baloche, Newsboys and Sanctus Real.

I am thankful for friends and birthdays to celebrate them.

I am thankful for coffee and cheesecake.

I am so grateful for a place to serve. To volunteer my time in a ministry that I believe in 100%.

I am thankful for my husband, and the sweet ways that he takes the time to know me, and love me.

I am thankful that in the midst of our passing one another in the 5 minutes that we actually saw each other today, he passed me a mocha frappe {and a kiss}.

I am grateful for a sweet, reliable, and fun babysitter for the boys

So many times today I thought about my "thankful list". And it brought such a smile to my face - because it kept getting bigger and bigger. Of course my mental list didn't quite make it to the blog, because mental lists are very fleeting for me, but still - the gratefulness in my heart is growing.

I am more aware. That is a very good thing.

And now, I am grateful for my bed. My pillow and down comforter. :) The day has been so full... and my eyes are simply not going to stay open.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Days 5 and 6 {Thankful for the weekend!}

2011-11-06T21:04:00.001-05:00

Weekends are just lovely. Most of the time they mean more relaxing.

More Dave time.

Less rushing from place to place.

Sleeping in is kind of rare at any point in our lives right now, but some times - some few and far between beautiful times, weekends can mean that too.

I'm thankful for this weekend, which is now coming to a close.

Thankful for: Clean floors.

Boys willing {eager even!} to push a vacuum and scrub with a mop. Does it mean things got done in a timely manner? - You bet your leftover Halloween candy that is not the case.

But my floors are clean. ;)

Thankful for: Clean laundry.

Neat stacks of more clothes than one family would ever need, on the back of my love seat.

The feel of Dave's crisp, clean work shirts right out of the dryer. I smile when I put those blue colors around a hanger in our closet. I am thankful that he is employed. That's not a small thing right here, right now. No small thing at all.

I am thankful for his willing heart when it comes to work. He provides for us so lovingly.

Thankful for: People who trust me to capture images of their families in photographs. I count it a privilege. The two photo shoots I did this weekend produced sweet and beautiful images. I pray for the families as I edit each photo. -A privilege. I am thankful.

Thankful for: My church family. They really are just that; my family. Not every one has that sense of community where they worship. I am thankful that I get to learn with, worship along side of, and be challenged by many amazing people.

Thankful for: The extra hour {this may be one of the first times that I actually took advantage of it, instead of thinking "Oh, we have an extra hour, I'll just stay up later and all will be great!" - only to face exhaustion instead of the extra rest I could've gotten}.

Thankful for: The new week about to start.

Lunches are made, waiting in backpacks for the morning rush.

Coffee is ground, and coffee maker is on a timer to be piping hot and ready in the early am.

Babysitter is lined up for my afternoon of volunteering at the Center for Women and my evening of camera club {very excited to learn more about my external camera flash from a professional!}. I'm sure there will be many thankfuls to add tomorrow.

-And can I just say that this daily thankful list practice has been very good for my soul? Yes it has.

{Count your blessings}

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 4 {Thankful for daddy/son bonding and completing things I start}

2011-11-04T14:23:00.002-04:00

Today: I am thankful for a day off from school for my Jay and K.

For turning off our alarms and sleeping in a bit {Oh glorious...}.

For happy boy giggles on the way to preschool.

For a brilliant sun rise that made my heart swell.

Today: I am grateful for Dave's flexible work schedule.

For an impromptu "take your son to work" day for Jay... and the grin I will never forget when I dropped him off with Daddy.

For a shopping list emailed off, and a husband willing to do the "big shopping" with two littles {wow...}.

I am thankful for time with K and Kai.

For our "toast, movies, and candy party" .

Today: I am grateful for planning, and scheming, and dreaming. I've been doing lots of it.

I am also glad to be a part of something bigger than myself. A plan for my life that is unfolding in a surprising, hard, incredibly rewarding, and stretching way.

I am so thankful for God's power helping me to follow through with things I planned/committed to do this year. I struggle greatly with discipline. I struggle with follow through. I give up on stuff. I procrastinate.

I have made this a matter of prayer, And guess what??! It has really helped {*gasp*}.

Two things in particular that come to my mind are the reading through the Bible plan that I started on January first this year and the photo a day project I really wanted to do. Both things are on track. That's big for me.

The pictures are obviously not as big of a deal as the Bible reading, but both were things that I wanted to start, continue, and not get discouraged if I fell behind on. I have missed some days. Several actually. But I have learned to either start where I left off, or jump in to get caught up. Like I said: big.

{Don't forget to thank Him for your blessing today!}

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 3 {Thankful that my head is on straight-ish}

2011-11-03T17:04:00.001-04:00

Today: I am thankful for our chiropractor. Thankful that he was able to schedule me in, just a few hours after I called.

Something went horribly wrong during the hours of sleep last night. Perhaps my dreams were more brutal than I remember, but regardless, when I awoke I could not move my head to the left with out nauseating pain.

So, of course my thankful list will begin with Mr. Chiropractor. He adjusted, twisted, and cracked until finally he announced, "Well, I think that is all that I can do while still keeping your head attached".

Well thank you sir. For not, you know, removing my head.

And on that note, can I just say that I am SO thankful today that my head IS attached to my body?! I do not even exaggerate when I say that if it were NOT attached, I would surely forget where I placed it and certainly not remember to reassemble it with my body. Just ask my husband. He would so agree with that statement. Except he wouldn't. Because then I would get sulky and pout, "What are you saying about me? That I forget stuff??!" ;)

{Today: I am very grateful for a wonderful, patient husband... ;)

Today: I am also grateful for my Mom2mom group. We are a smaller group this year than we have been for the past couple of years, but still a great encouragement to one another. My Thursday mornings are very sweet due to these ladies.

Today: I am so thankful that my husband is making a glorious "breakfast" supper. The bacon is crackling, the waffles are steaming, the orange juice is chilled, the eggs are frying... One of my very favorite meals.

Signing off to join my breakfastdinner making husband.

{Be thankful}

30 days of Thankfulness; Day 2 {Thankful for the good, the tough, and the candy of today}

2011-11-02T14:36:00.000-04:00

Today I am thankful that when I got to school and realized that I did not have K's walker in the back of my van,

a) The walker was in Dave's truck, at his work, just a mile away

&

b) K is walking very well, without the walker, when someone holds his left hand.

Today I am thankful that both Kai and Noe are taking a really nice, long, restful nap (not quite the norm around here these days).

I am thankful for a generous husband, a new camera, the bright sunshine, the nurturing of a grateful spirit, wonderful friends, supper already made, worship team practice tonight, and Halloween candy to steal... ;)

Day 2 - you have been a pleasure so far.

30 Days of Thankfulness; Day 1 {Thankful for Surrender}

2011-11-01T11:55:00.005-04:00

image credit here

I am joining in a wonderful November tradition of many bloggers and will be blogging what I am grateful for ever day in the month of November.

Today I am extremely thankful that God cares about every detail of my life. I am thankful that I don't have to waste my time worrying, burning up minutes of my life with anxiety, and taking my own life by the reins.

This seems to be a lesson I am needing to learn daily in this season of my life.

I am thankful for the Lord's patience with me as I learn not to fight, but to surrender wholly and completely to Him.

This song is pretty "old school", it was around when I was a young teen *gasp*, But lyrically expresses where I am at right now, to a T.

I Surrender All
I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand

In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory till I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours

I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires that all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain

So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise

I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
Well I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires that all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all

I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires that all my kingdoms fall
That all my kingdoms fall, that all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all
Clay Crosse

An all time favorite

2011-10-26T16:38:00.001-04:00

I take lots of pictures. {understatement}

Many end up in the recycle bin. Some make it to the wall, blog, or photo books.

Every now and then I download my card and a picture really stands out to me as one that ~~I will look at some day and cry for the days when I had sweet little boys running around my house~~ is just special.

This is one of them:

So many favorite things wrapped up in this image...

In other news, my ocd html disorder has manifested itself in a rotating blog header design. If you feel so compelled, hit refresh a couple of times and check out the three blog headers I have designed and written into my blog html code. (I know, I know... issues) And thank you very much for the pointers Jackie (you enabler).

To realign and simplify

2011-10-25T14:13:00.004-04:00

I've done a little bit of "remodeling" over here and I love it.

I have a million and five things to do right now... WHY am I playing with the html codes on my blog design??

Some people have eating issues. Some people have html code issues. Let me explain: When I feel like I do not have the most organized house in the world, my schedule is crazy, and that beautiful illusion called "control" seems to be slipping from my tight grasp, I can go to my computer, open up my blog design page, type in a few letters & numbers; and colors change, images change, sizes change - and they stay that way.

I tap the keys with orders of exactly what I want, and voila - magic. It happens. It neither talks back to me, nor gets undone 3 seconds after it is accomplished.

Issues? Me? Whatever do you say that for!

So, for seriousness, I do know the healthy and correct place to go when I feel like my world is swirling out of control. I spent an hour in prayer and dissecting passages of Scripture this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Exactly. God really met me where I was at this morning and my heart is ever grateful.

My sister called me this afternoon and asked if I was okay. It was so sweet, and I realized that my last post, and probably some recent facebook statuses may have indicated that I was in over my head, overwhelmed, not doing so hot.

And... that indication would probably be just about right on track for me this past week.

Alot was going on with K. New potential photography clients began popping into my inbox daily. Appointments filled the squares on my calendar. Homework for the boys, and various school papers needing attention began piling up on my desk. My menu board was glaringly white. Deadlines inched closer and closer.

I have been telling concerned friends and family for a few months now that I am NOT too busy. That I am doing great, feeling energized, and handling each thing as it comes.

That all felt true. But it may have been the adrenaline and coffee speaking for me.

Yesterday I had a very honest moment with myself when the house was quiet for the evening.

It was like this whisper that started in my head and then kind of wrapped itself around my throat in a half sob, half sigh... "I'm doing too much".

"How much longer can I keep this up?"

It sounds odd, even to me, but those two thoughts shocked me. I truly thought I was holding it all together well.

I'm not sure how long this whisper has been trying to get out to be heard.

I was probably too busy to notice.

I know that on Friday night I felt some interesting things that I haven't experienced for a long time. I couldn't sleep. My heart was racing. My mind refused to either shut off, or stop and focus on one thing. It was all.over.the.place.

As I have stated previously, so much of what we are involved in are things we have been called to do. I have commitments that I can not, will not, break. But it is definitely time to regroup and face my priorities head on.

Today I have given myself a bit of a day off. Dropping the two oldest boys off at school was the only thing that absolutely HAD to be done. I do not have to step foot back in my mom van at all today.

Weird!

Obviously there are things I have to do around the house, but for the most part I am laying low and seeking the face of my God, asking him to show me how I can best serve him. I know if I am spread too thin, doing too much, I will only be giving a fraction to each calling. No one will get my best. That's not what He wants for me. I know that.

As I evaluate, I am very torn. There is so much that I want to do. So much that I feel energizes me. Naturally I want to drop the stuff that is hard. I want to throw myself into that which I am most drawn to... selfishly. I have some fears inching up that I may be asked to lay down some stuff that I really don't want to.

But that fear is trumped by a faith that there is something far better than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that His best plan for me is always, always better than any "great" plan I may struggle to give up.

I have been blessed with some gifts in my life, which I may have inadvertently begun to allow to be shifted to the back of my priority list. That new header that I put up is a great reminder to me as I look at it. Simple. Streamlined. My 5 (errr, actually my 4.... because the feet of the baby were running off doing their own thing while we posed for pictures).

God give me the strength to surrender to your best....

Overwhelmed and blessed

2011-10-20T14:20:00.001-04:00

It was a gloomy-gray-drizzly-chaotic-rush-out-the-door-make-split second-decision-drop-your-bagel-on-the-sidewalk-peanut-butter-face-down kind of a morning.

Yeah, that good.

K's doctors can't seem to figure out why he continues to have these migraines/seizures. And why am I still hyphenating that, as if we don't know what they actually are?!

Oh, it's because we don't know what they actually are. That's right. Now I remember. Educated, experienced doctors of the brain are scratching their heads.

I can handle being told, "we don't really know what is going on with your son." -However, what is beginning to rile the inner mama-bear is this attitude of, "let's just increase his meds!"

Ummm, no.

How about we put the time into really getting to the bottom of this? How about we run some more tests, get some more minds onto this, look deeper at the root issues, and make a more informed plan?

Lesson #1: I am the mom. I am going to have to say what I am thinking, do what I am expecting them to do, and advocate to get what I feel K needs.

They won't just do it.

Lesson learned.

Insert moment of honesty-

Friends, my head is spinning and I am feeling ~~crazy overwhelmed~~ a little bit frustrated. Oops, moment of honesty. Okay - crazy overwhelmed.

There is just so much. So, so much in my life right now. I had a conversation with Dave the other day (I seriously have no idea what day it was. I say "the other day" to pretend that I am just throwing out a casual term, when in reality I just plain do not know the day), we were discussing how completely constant our life has become. He said, "but as I am thinking of all that we are involved in, I can see that it is all stuff that we have been called to do!"

And he's right. I just have to pray earnestly for the grace to do the things he has called me to. I trust that God would not put things into my life and and then leave me to flounder and face being overwhelmed.

Unless, of course, I am trying to do them all in my own strength. Which, I might add, is a daily battle.

So much of what is in our lives, these things that may make me feel anxious and run-down, are also our greatest blessings. Funny how that goes isn't it??

I just told Dave, on one of about 487 phone conversations I have had with him today (Oh yay! I actually remembered the day I had this conversation!), that right now all I really want to do is snuggle up under my down comforter with a cup of hot cocoa, and just be still. Completely still for a few hours.

Every now and then rest like this is very, very good. Even essential. But the whisper to my heart right now is saying, "keep going. You can do this. Press on."

I am not here on earth to rest and be pampered. Those moments are special treats, and I believe that God delights in our pleasure and joy in resting and being pampered. But only as dessert. A little icing on the cake. The main course is a life of service. I am here to serve. And I know that he will give me the fuel needed.

{Deep breath}

Now to press forward and live my busy blessed life. :)

His second birthday

2011-10-14T06:30:00.000-04:00

Sitting tall

2011-10-12T10:47:00.003-04:00

I think when he is up there, taller than even daddy; there is this hour of his life when he feels in control.

Doing something that not even his brothers have done yet.

Giving commands to something bigger than him, and feeling whole and complete and big.

We are blessed, blessed, blessed to have some really amazing programs in our area that encourage our K. Ever since he was 6 months old people have been working with him, pushing him to reach his highest potential, loving on him with us. He truly has had a village... a team of people who have come on board with us to give him a great shot at an independent life.

We love this boy like crazy. So, to have others investing in his life? - Well, we can't help but love them too!

There are so many times when opportunities come up for the other boys.

Things that they love.

Things that require two hands working well together,

or running,

or being able to have sharp vision.... so much that excludes K.

Sometimes my heart just breaks a bit. And yet, I want to always be very vigilant about not holding the other three back, just because K is not able to do some of the things that they can. It's such a balance. We have worked to find things that are just K. Special and important.

Well, this is one of those things. A horse riding program just for kids who struggle to do things that they see other kids doing. Kids with needs that are just higher maintenance.

Of course at first the other boys were quite vocal about how terribly unfair it was that "K gets to ride a horse every week"...

and "why can't they?!"...

and "oh me oh my, this is just awful!"

But I sat them down and talked to them,

{heart to heart; mom to sons}

We talked about all of the cool things they get to do, and how easy so many "normal" things came to them.

We discussed how it would feel to have a body that just won't work the way that you wish it would; a hand that struggles to grasp things and legs that feel weak.

It took a while, but I am pleased to say that after fielding some questions and having a good conversation with Jay, Noe, and Kai, they seemed to really get it. And they seemed genuinely happy for K.

{Whew. One of many, many important conversations that actually had an impact. Praying that God continues to give me wisdom and words to nurture compassion and understanding in these little guys.}

At first I only saw the value in what it brought to K on a physical level. It greatly improved his core strength and balance. But then I watched him this past weekend, and I saw how the instructors were giving him more and more freedom in guiding and directing his horse, Sable.

He knows the commands; he knows when to tighten the reigns and when to give him more slack.

He is in control when he is up there.

Sable has a bit of an attitude, but they have a bond. After all, they do have much in common that way. ;)
It's a sweet thing to watch my little man up on that horse.

A very sweet thing, indeed.

Photo Favorite Friday

2011-10-07T14:04:00.001-04:00

This kid....

makes my heart seriously laugh.

Alot.

He's awesome.

Grateful

2011-10-05T14:17:00.007-04:00

There's all this driving and reeling and running and scheduling.

It's insanity and exhilarating all at once.

I could complain, but the truth is, I wouldn't change much.

More time with the family, s l o w l y taking it all in? -Well, yeah, there is that.

Time to process life as it is happening, instead of running to the next thing scrawled on the calendar? - might be nice.

But there is this word that encompasses what God is teaching me right in this moment, and it is Gratitude. I am going through a book about it, with a friend. Gratitude reminders are getting deposited into my heart and mind through songs, sunsets, soft skin...

Deposit, deposit, deposit.

Be grateful. In everything.

Breathe it in.

Fill your heart.

Recognize it.

So, I choose to be grateful as I run and jump and scrub and try to pace myself through it all.

Several have asked about the wedding last weekend.

Yes, we did it! We made it through our first wedding as photographers, working together.

It was exhilarating.

It was exhausting.

It was great for gaining experience.

And we got some gems in amongst our combined 1,000 + photos.

(More here)

Not sure if I can say this enough: God has blessed me so much in what he has put into my life!

I love what I do.

I get to be a wife,

a mom,

a photographer,

and a crisis pregnancy counselor.

I get to sing in our church's worship team, teach 3rd-6th grade girls in awana, lead our Mom2mom group, be a part of a neat camera club, write freely on my blog, make my house a home, be an encourager to a wonderful man, invest deeply in the lives of 4 of the most amazing boys.... I could really go on and on.

I am living so many of my dreams.

Some days are just plain hard (as I admitted in my last post).

Some days are pure chaos.

Some days are sweeter than you could imagine.

But always.. gratitude.... always.

As I close this to run to the next thing that is calling out to me, I want to let you know that I am planning to do a photography post soon. I feel like I, personally, have barely even begun to scratch the surface of the vast amount of knowledge there is in mastering this skill, so I have hesitated with going forward with the photography post for a while. That being said, I went from a point and shoot to an SLR camera a little over 2 years ago and I learned most of what I know from blogs and on line resources. Regular, every day people sharing what they have learned is one of the best ways to sharpen skills! If you have any questions or topics you would like to read about, pertaining to photography or photo editing, please let me know in the comments of this post. I may or may not be able to address them, but I thought it would be really fun to share some of what I have learned!

Writing about Hydrocephalus

2011-10-01T13:29:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I was asked to write a guest post, highlighting our ups and downs in parenting a child with hydrocephalus.

I was honored to join others in writing on the blog All Things, in recognition of national hydrocephalus awareness month.

Here is my addition to the conversation on hydrocephalus (and coffee).

Dumping out my brain, onto the blog

2011-09-29T14:34:00.003-04:00

Kai learned how to get out of his crib all by himself yesterday.

\Boom - now any kind of parental constraining is over. Gone. Just like that.

As gone as babyhood.

I laid him down in his crib. Kissed his chubby cheek, walked downstairs, closed the stair way door, and began to clean the house.

About an hour later, I turned around because I thought I heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like the stair way door opening... and there he was.

We eyed each other for a while. He looked down, a little guilty like, but raised his eyes to mine. it was like he was asking, "am I in trouble? I did something that I think is really cool... but I'm pretty sure I'm in trouble."

I just stood there for a minute, aligning my mental response to this. The only thing that I could think in that moment was, "This is it. The crib is going to be coming down for the last time! I'm not sure I'm ready for this..."

Ready or not...

I walked over to him, took his hand and said, "Did you just get out of your crib all by yourself?"

I could see his eyes light up. "Oh, maybe she isn't mad!"

"Yee-ahhhh!" - Was his response, with plenty of up and down head movement to go along with it.

I asked him if he got any "owies', and he showed me his hand and said "owe", but I'm guessing the owes must not have been too bad, based on how incredibly happy he was over the entire incident.

We moved K up to the next age group's Sunday school class at church a couple of weeks ago. He is now in a group with a very wide age span; 2nd-6th grade. I didn't think it through thoroughly enough, and it has become apparent that, much like at school, he will need someone with him to help him focus, and to redirect his attention. He tends to get in his own little world sometimes, and that hinders his learning, as well as distracting the other kids.

As K gets older I find that we have many new obstacles to climb. Oh you guys, I just have to tell you how very unqualified I feel I am for this sometimes! I want to include him in things that others his age are doing... I want to encourage him to reach his highest potential, but there are so many differences in parenting him than in parenting our other boys. Sometimes I feel at such a loss. My heart is so tender when it comes to that boy. This morning I left him in the school parking lot with his new aide and he was screaming and crying because he didn't want to go to school. I had little tears in my eyes, because I know how hard it is for his aide to deal with this kind of behavior. I don't know why he does this sometimes, and I just beg for wisdom as I seek to help him work on his attitude.

Sometimes this is just hard.

Hard, hard, hard.

I get tired and I feel overwhelmed. I don't want everyone to know this.

I want them to see the shining, happy, well rested, ready to take on anything that comes in to my path.

So, here I am publishing this remark, to help me get over myself,

"Sometimes this is very, very hard, and I feel like I didn't sign up for this, therefore I can't do it."

You know what I love?

Besides cheesecake.

And caramel brulee latte's...

I love that God's power in me helps me to do things that are too hard for me. I don't have to run and hide when I get all freaked out at my life (do you ever get all freaked out at your life??).

Because, really? He wants me to get to that place where I realize the overwhelmed feeling that comes when I try to do this on my own.

Okay, He's got me right where he wants me. *smile*

You know what I hate?

Besides mice in my house.

And parallel parking.

I hate the feeling of being behind in housework/organization, and how that just looms over my head. I feel like it steals good family moments and an over all peaceful and relaxed feeling.

I seriously struggle with being disciplined. I am praying that I continue learning what I need to do to make this a sweet, peaceful, organized, warm, and loving home. Well - Dave takes care of the warm part, because he is the king of cutting and stacking wood, and filling the wood stove. Except that he probably has a behind feeling looming over his head on that stuff too. Who has time for that when they run on his schedule? No one.

Any one want to come cut and stack some wood? And while you're here - feel free to throw in a load of laundry. Or two.

For real though, how do you guys do it? How do you get your home looking fabulous, while planning for and making the meals, while raising the kids, while trying to run a small business, while investing in your kids spiritual lives, while working out, while being involved in ministry, while trying to meet the needs of those around you?

Lily is officially in remission. After just two weeks. Amazing! This does not mean that she is carefree and done. Not in the least. She's in the hospital right now dealing with a recurring fever and no immune system while losing her hair, getting poked and prodded, having intense leg pain. And a rash. So prayers are being answered all over the place, and still greatly needed!

If some one had told me a few months ago that this weekend I would be going to Detroit to photograph a wedding, I likely would have written them off as certifiably crazed.

And laughed.

Guess what I am doing tomorrow?

Yep. Camera battery is charging, and creative inspiration is flowing

I can't wait to show you some of the pictures! Trying to hold my nervous energy at bay...

I'm thinking about writing a blog post about finances sometime. It's kind of hard to know how much to open that subject up to the general public. And yet, I feel it is a subject that we need to be talking about.

Raising a family on one income is possible.

Tithing is important.

Trusting God for just enough is tricky, and oh-so-powerful.

Trying to keep up with everyone and get the latest and greatest of everything is not necessary.

And on that note... Dave got a pay cut last week. Enrollment at the university he works at is down. Much lower than the expected, and planned for, goal was. So - here we go.

I have had to be very creative in finances before, I can continue.

Every one of our needs has always been supplied.

And honestly, alot of our wants have come through too. Many in very unexpected ways. God ways.

Okay, brain has been dumped out. I feel much better now.

Like mother, like son

2011-09-26T21:32:00.001-04:00

Yesterday Jay and I had some alone time. It's few and far between these days.

He's getting so big. He's changing.

Alot.

Probably the one I am noticing change in the most.

Along with the narrowing of his face and lengthening of his body (oh my, we used to call him "chubber-boo" and he was this crazy rollly polly baby boy), is coming this deeply understanding look in his eyes. Those eyes look older than 6 to me.

It's good and it's scary.

He sat in the passenger seat and I drove. We went to pick up a gift for the baby. You know - the one who will be 2 in a couple of weeks. *gulp*

And we talked about stuff.

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, couldn't help but grin.

And this thought passed through my head, "I really like him".

I know, I'm his mom, right?!

What mom wouldn't like her own son? - Well, let me tell you - I have always loved this crazy bit of my own flesh and blood.

Loved him deeply.

But he was a really hard baby.

He was an impossible toddler.

Oh the stories I could tell...

So, here he is. He's six, and he's maturing like crazy, and I like him.

I want to spend time with him.

I want to be with him
and make jokes with him
and carry on conversations with him.

I want to brush his long blond hair out of his eyes and ask him all about his day.

I look forward to that.

So, we drove, and we talked.

He started asking me a few things about the church service we had just been to.

Then he looked up at me and said,

"Mom, sometimes I feel like I am being really good - like I WANT to be good - but then sin just comes...
(gets both fists and beats his chest) and it crashes on me mom. It just crashes on me."

Yep, he's my boy.

He's getting big.

I like him.

And he is a whole lot like his mama!

39 reasons

2011-09-25T16:22:00.000-04:00

39 reasons why I love him

(And I'm not saying he turned 39 today. I'm just saying that today is his birthday, and I thought I would randomly throw out 39 ways that he is wonderful)

1. He has an authentic passion for things that God has called him to.

2. He is honest

3. He doesn't just take care of us, his family, nurturing and caring for people is part of who he is, and what he loves to do in life.

4. On days when he comes home, and the house looks like a hurricane and trash truck collided, he is not bothered by it in the least.

5. That one time that I put a scratch on his beloved truck, he encouraged me to learn from the mistake I made, but didn't say another word about it.

6. Family is very important to him.

7. He has a great work ethic.

8. He knows how to have fun.

9. He looks like a little boy, with the cutest grin, when he is excited about things.

10. He believes strongly in the power of prayer

11. He cooks really, really good food.

12. He cares about people who others may look right past.

13. Money is not his god.

14. He is patient.

15. He knows how to put first things first.

16. He listens.

17. He takes time to learn me and speak in my love language, even when it is quite foreign to him.

18. He is always there to throw out a high five, an encouraging word, a "how can I pray for you", to college students, guys at church, and people who God puts in his path.

19. He changes diapers. *swoon*

20. Sometimes he makes me "special coffee". And it is realllly good.

21. He enjoys watching sports every now and then, but that doesn't rule his life.

22. He can do just about any kind of home improvement project, car repair project, appliance fix-it project, and everything in between

23. He dreams big with me.

24. He encourages me to see the blessings in the small.

25. His eyes smile when his mouth smiles.

26. He isn't pushy.

27. He's a good teacher.

28. It's a treat to hear him play trumpet.

29. He is always striving to move forward, to learn more, to increase his faith, and not stand still.

30. He is tender with our boys, and takes his role as role model, seriously.

31. He doesn't mind clothes shopping with me.

32. He is a good balance of advocating for things he feels strongly about, and holding his emotions in check.

33. He adds logic to my overemotional thinking.

34. When he knows what is needed, he is more than happy to pitch in with house work.

35. He doesn't want what is easiest for our family; he wants what is best.

36. He encourages me in my love of photography.

37. He sends me silly texts to brighten my days.

38. He is creative.

39. He doesn't pretend to be anything he is not.

So, happy birthday to my David. Whatever year it is, these are just a few of my favorite things about you. :) Now, time to plan something epic for next year. - Not that next year is going to be big or anything...

She's special

2011-09-19T13:40:00.003-04:00

She's special.

There are alot of little girls in my life, who I am very grateful for!

My nieces,

Little ones in the nursery at church,

Daughters of friends.

They all bless me and fill a little part of my heart that has always been reserved for the little girls that I thought I would some day nurture.

I can smile, see God's sense of humor, and wisdom, in giving me a house full of boys. Most of the time I am completely surrendered to this unexpected turn to my life. This mom to all boys thing. And I can see that God has filled that corner of my heart in other ways. Not in having daughters, but in little girls who have been placed in my life to love on.

So, there's this one little girl - sweet, spunky, and sassy as the day is long.

I anticipated her birth with her parents. Couldn't wait to meet her, because I knew she would be a significant part of my life.

Her parents had asked me to be her caregiver during the day, while they worked. This is no small thing to me. Being entrusted with some one elses new little one, fresh from heaven? That's trust. It's a privilege.

At the time, I only had K, and the days of weekly doctor appointments and very high maintenance were beginning to calm.

So, we added little miss Lily to our daily routine. She was 6 weeks old when I started watching her. Tiny and sweet. She was a good baby. I loved all of her girly outfits. She definitely added alot of femininity to my days.

I watched her for a few years. We added her brother, Adam, to our days a couple of years after she first came. They multiplied the fun and chaos of our home.

2007

Their family is part of our church, our young couples Sunday school class, and our small group. Kind of like family.

Last Friday Lily went to the ER with a high fever.

-And by that night she was admitted to a larger hospital, hooked up to an IV, while her family processed her diagnosis.

She has leukemia.

She's 7.

She's a trooper.

Scared, but brave.

Tired, but not losing her spunk.

Her parents are radiating God's peace. You know, the kind that passes all understanding.

I went up to see her on Saturday. Kind of for her, kind of for me.

She had just had a blood transfusion and was perking up alot.

She had just found out that she would be losing her hair. She cried.

I wished I could tell her it was all just a bad dream. That she could pack up her coloring books and replace the little hospital gown with bright, fun, little girl clothes.

Hospital gowns shouldn't be made in little sizes like that.

I wished I could look at her parents, my friends, and tell them that their little girl's blood test results had accidentally gotten confused.
Messed up.
That 7 year old's don't get leukemia.

But they do, and she does, and this is another chapter in their story.

Theirs is a story that not many experience. More heart ache than we humanly think we should see in people who are good and kind and hard workers.

We see the hurt and the bad. The ugly, scary, and painful.

It takes alot of faith to see the good; to see any good.

But it's there! We are seeing it in a church that is banding together tighter than before,

In faith that is stretching, and growing, and becoming more and more ready to see mountains move.

We are seeing it in families hitting their knees in ways they haven't for years, or even ever before.

We see it in silver linings that are obvious.

We see it in two individuals, who desperately love their children, taking a deep breath, standing tall, and saying, "okay, this is what's been given, we'll take it in stride. We'll do what we have to do to take care of our family, and give God the glory."

That's pretty wow to me.

Of course they cry,
of course they would do anything in their power to not have to watch their little girl struggle with a nasty disease and harsh treatment.
Of course.
But, even if they can't see it while in the midst of tough, the way they have stepped up and are shining through the process, has God's fingerprints all over it.

She's really special guys, and I would love for every one who reads this to please pray for her.

They have started a facebook page with updates on how things are going. Check it out to be able to pray more specifically for this situation.

The silver linings are good, and doctors are very hopeful for remission within a month.
But she's 7, and these treatments would be hard on anyone.

She's going to have her very own personal story of God's goodness beyond what many will have. He's going to use it. I know He will.

The boy with the big quesiton mark; he's mine

2011-09-16T13:41:00.000-04:00

There's this 8 year old boy, and some times I can't believe he is mine.

Am I old enough to have an 8 year old boy?

Oh you crazy lady. Old enough and older!

Was I really entrusted with the responsibility, and given the gift of this 8 year old boy??
Um, that would be affirmative.

Sometimes I forget that what I do fluidly and naturally with him isn't normal.

Sometimes, because he is mainstreamed in a "regular" second grade class room, and the day-to-day for him, and us, is good, normal, just routine, I forget that I am a mom, parenting special needs.

That will always be who I have become, and a big part of my life.

But I forget.

Yesterday we went to "The Big Hospital".

The one where he and JD were born.

The one that makes my stomach queasy with its smells and memories...

Where I feel anxiety, peace, and adrenaline combining in some strange form of dejavu.

Where the elevators talk to us, and we always giggle at them.

It was routine yesterday. Every 6 months we go there to see his neurologist, and it was time.

But this visit did help me remember - that what we deal with in our adventures of parenting isn't necessarily the norm.

While we were at the appointment K had one of his "episodes".

Migraine? Seizure?

It has been diagnosed, at different time, as both. Each. One, and then the other.

Most recently it has been migraines.

These spells of shaking, confusion, stiff neck, and holding his head

It has been the topic of many a doctor appointment,

Many a test.

Many a concern for this mama...

Many a lesson in trusting God with the little man that he has put into my life.

I talked here about the time that we did 5 days of continuous video and EEG monitoring, to try to get to the bottom of our concerns.

Well, that ended up not really helping much at all.

Because the doctors never could induce one of these "episodes" in K, they determined that it must not be seizure activity.

After the nurse finally saw, with her own eyes, what he has been experiencing, she told us, and the neurologist, that everything about it looked like a seizure to her.

So, he examined,
and we discussed,
and another try at the 5 day continuous EEG monitoring was mentioned,
and finally, the very knowledgeable, learned, educated doctor said,

...."Hmmm. I don't know."

I can appreciate his honestly.

And I can try to accept the fact that I may always be parenting a child with a bold question mark over his head.

I can do this.

It's okay.

He's still my K.

Yeah, that one.

The one with the grin that lights up a room and a contagious giggle.

That's my boy.

Question mark or no question mark.

He's my K.

No question about how much I love that little man.

None.

Answering his questions

2011-09-11T13:46:00.001-04:00

Last night I had to look into two trusting eyes and answer some questions.

About buildings falling to the ground and planes with smoke pouring from the back of them.

Everything about him was so earnest... and for a moment I just wanted to turn the tv off and smile and tell him that it was just a movie.

You know, one of those movies that six year old's can't watch and mommy and daddy needed him to go to bed and no more questions please.

But instead we quietly took each question as it came.

- Questions about a day over 3 years before he was born... that changed our world, but defined his.

He was born into a world already crushed by fear, terror, and evil.

And really, we were too, weren't we?

Pre 9-11 world and post 9-11 world; fear, terror, evil.

It can render us terrified and ineffective, frozen in our insecurity of what may happen to this country.

Or it can propel us to a life of clinging to our Jesus like never before. It can nurture that place deep within our hearts that knows we were created for something more and longs for our real home.

A wise man, who Dave and I deeply love and respect, responded in this way when addressing some incredibly difficult issues that are affecting his life, "Such times push us hard against God. We affirm with the Psalmist that "…the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Psalm 100:5)"

And so as Jay looked up at the images being played out on our tv screen, remembering that day ten years ago, that is exactly what I tried to impress upon his young heart.

Yes, it was bad.

No we have no promise that it can't happen again.

Yes, there are people who share this earth with us who are not pure in heart.

BUT...

But, let us use these things to push us hard against God.

Oh how I wish that I could look into innocent eyes that I love {so, so much} and give assurances and reassurances of safety and security.

But instead, I take hold of the truth, that I can give them assurance of comfort in times of trouble and a secure eternal future where terror can never touch them.

Photo Favorites Friday

2011-09-09T12:59:00.001-04:00

I feel so honored to be doing life with him.

This busy, crazy, changing, accelerating, loud, never-lets-up, who-really-has-time-to-blog-anyway life. *Smile*

This will forever be a photo favorite of mine. Taken last week by my dear friend Cori. She got some great family shots too - will share more later.

A process of refinement

2011-09-06T14:03:00.002-04:00

There is so much that I want to write.

Like how God is changing my heart.

How that can be scary and exhilarating.

How we feel the winds of change rustling in our hearts - a significant desire to drop temporal and earthly priorities.

There is a passion arising in this family to live in such a way that our focus would be on what lasts and what truly matters...

...more than it is now.

What that looks like, in a practical sense, is still blurry and undefined at the present time.

What we do know is that God is working in our lives.

He is continuing a process of refinement - and as you all know that can be painful while still being one of the most incredible processes you will ever be a part of.

Stretching and growing.

Seeking and surrendering.

There are transitions coming for our family, I am sure of that. We are already in the midst of some.

Today was the first day of school and there were new rooms,

new teachers,

new classmates,

Alot of new and a little bit of uncertainty.

But I feel that there will be more.

Shifting and adjusting and changing.

Aren't we constantly in transition in this life?

Some of these changes will simply take place in our hearts and minds.

Each choice, each step, every response and decision....

Not for us. Not for the here and now. But for something bigger and forever.

And some of the changes will be outward. We are seeking Him on so many levels to determine what some of these stirrings in our hearts mean.

This is what is ruminating in my mind.

Stirrings in their infancy are hard to flesh out and articulate. So, alot of this is very vague, I realize that. But, since I write to process - this is where it's at. *smile*

Over and over and over in the past 8 months or so I have grappled with the feeling of things shifting.

I have tried to pry my own fingers from this death grip on all that I find security in.

I have found security in earthly things for so long that I am nearly a professional at it.

Homes.

People.

Jobs.

Money.

Insurance.

Bank accounts

(technically the same as money, but I find so much security in this that it's worth being twice on the list).

What happens when houses aren't there any more?

What about when people get really sick?

Death?

A declining economy?

Job uncertainty?

Do you know those feelings?

It can be terrifying.

Those are the kinds of things that shake me to the core.

I have wanted (more than I can express, as well as more than I care to admit) to be able to arrange my life nicely around those things.

Around the people who I love

In the house that is home

with the predictable job

bringing in the counted on money

with the benefits of insurance.

Are these things bad?

Not in the least!

They are blessings of the most abundant kind.

But.... (surely you could feel that "but" coming...)

Should we place our security on them?

Should we prioritize around them?

Should we feel devastation if one of them shifts?

I do friends.

I do.

The pit of my stomach churns wildly when the pay check isn't as expected.

Or I hear rumor that insurance rates may go up... or change completely.

Or a relationship drifts.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer. And they hold a fortified position in my, mentally conjured up, security perfection.

How often I have played the game of "If I pretend this isn't happening, then it won't.

I just won't think about it. That's it! I'll think about something else and everything will be fine." Laughable really.

Control Freak meets Insecurity and breeds into Fantasy Expectations and Perfectionism is a bad, bad combination.

Bad, bad, bad *shudder*.

Gosh, I'm guessing this entire post will be a bunch of rattling on nonesense to those who read. Sometimes I tend to forget that this place isn't just me, writing to process for...me. :)

But, this little entry in my corner of the internet has been helpful to me as I try to clarify the thoughts that are swirling.

I am so glad that I do have a constant. I am trying to pry my fingers off from the temporal and seal them onto the constant and eternal.

Welcome to the process.

There is a significant section in the story of K's life in which she is the heroine. It is written in permanent ink, and will be read often

2011-08-31T14:31:00.003-04:00

There was a part of me still hoping...

maybe there was some way that things would go the way we expected,

hoped,

thought was the very best thing for our little boy.

I made calls and I fought change and I pushed... for a while.

But it is time for her to impact the lives of other kids {she's going to do that so well}...

And it is time for me to gracefully embrace change.

Deep breath.

I could write a thousand posts about how hard change is for me,

how hard this particular change was for me,

how many facets of this shifting in K's educational support made no sense,

and how we are still struggling with things like

a union,

and seniority,

and wording of IEP's

bidding on jobs instead of taking a students best into consideration.

Yes, this is the public school system.

I know, I know, I know.

And we are making a choice.

That choice is to send our kids to this school,

to advocate tirelessly for K,

that he might learn in the best way he possibly can to reach his highest potential,

while upholding a testimony of gentleness, kindness, and respect.

Deep breath again.

Never could we forget the two years that she has invested deeply in the life of our K. Never ever.

He will remember her too.

She was strong enough to not allow him to play her or push her around, and soft enough to love him.

I'm a mom. That is priceless to me.

I think there were weeks that she may have spent more waking time with him than I did.

She taught him.

Learned who he was.

Adjusted with him.

Made copies of homework in huge print to accommodate his visual impairments.

Enlarged, wrote, tweaked... so much that I probably never even knew.

She was his one-on-one aid for two years. She is called a "para pro"- a parent professional. And I think that is such an appropriate term.

Because in alot of ways she has a mommy heart - the parent part, while still having a high level of professionalism. Kind of the best of both world, you see.

This isn't the way she thought it was going to go either.

The bar is set pretty high.

I think she may have spoiled us.

I know we will come to know the next one who will fill her shoes.

It will all be okay. It's just... hard. Because we really love her.

I have no doubt in my mind that her support and expertise is a huge part of why our child, with too many labels to list, was able to be in a mainstream classroom and keep up with a kindergarten class two years ago, and then 26 first graders last year.

We will always, always be grateful.

When they remember

2011-08-29T14:23:00.002-04:00

When my boys no longer need me to tie their shoes,

and cut up their meat,

When they no longer ask why the sky is blue,

or beg every day to swim,

When their world stops revolving around cookies {wait, does the world ever stop revolving around cookies??},

and caterpillars,

and swinging,

When more reality enters their world and childhood ways begin to recede -

I hope {really hope} that they will look back on this time - on their little boy years - and they will smile and they will know that they were very loved.

I hope that they will see the time we spent - even when there wasn't necessarily alot of money spent.

Dave and I smile when we think about the memories we are making with them.

-To think that at least the oldest three are at an age where they will remember alot about their now. Alot about these moments, days, years.

We had kind of a summer's-last-hurrah camping trip last Thursday afternoon through early Sunday morning {We pulled into our home sweet home around 12:45am Sun. morning. Living on the edge for this old couple!}.

There was dirt and mud and overly tired moments.

There were mosquitoes and fish that didn't bite.

There were a few melt downs

But there was also alot of laughing.

There were training wheels put to work and ice cream bars at bedtime,

Games played by the whole family and so much cheating we couldn't help but laugh.

These little boys had energy that s h o c k e d this mama!

We swam in the most beautiful lake in ~~the~~ my world.

And it just happened to be a perfect beach day.

Watching them was like joy personified in four little bodies.

And I think they will remember.

This was definitely a vacation on a budget.

You better believe if there are free things to be enjoyed, Dave and I will find them. ;)

And I don't think they cared one bit.

We are so blessed, in so many ways that can not be quantified.

They are blessed, and I hope they get a good grasp on that at a young age.

I think they are starting to get it.

We found so many treasures this past weekend.

Most could not be held in our hands.

Sometimes treasures can be subtle, small, hard to notice. But when you look back they can almost take your breath away.

So, this was our weekend, and I am so thankful for it's goodness.

Now we are switching gears to back packs and phone calls and meetings and all that fall begins and entails.

Memories are a wonderful thing to savor.

Have I mentioned lately how much I have been surprised by loving being a boy mom (worms and all)?! ;)

God is good.

The Kai and the coffee

2011-08-23T09:19:00.006-04:00

If you peak in on my photo a day blog, then you know that our weekend was... kind of hard.

Maybe some day I will expound on it. Maybe not. The short story is that we had our first non-preemie-related-child-ER-visit. Jay got hurt while helping Dave unload wood from his dump trailer. He's fine. We're fine. But emotionally, we went through some tough stuff. There was a point when the "what could have happened" train of thought was inevitable... and it took much discipline to purpose that we were not going to go there.

Ya'll know about me and fear?... Well, this latest incident tugged at those insecurities and lack of faith quite solidly. I think, in the long run, it is going to help me to face the fear though and continue to work through it in a positive way.

So, while I am processing all of this I am just going to go with some cute Kai pictures on the blog today.

Somehow Kai has learned that coffee is kind of sacred here.

No clue how he picked up on that...

...but any way, when I go to grind the coffee he stands beside me, patiently waiting for the jar of fresh coffee. I hand it down to him, he so very carefully guards that jar with both hands and slowly walks into the kitchen with it. Then he hands it up to me with a chubby, but oh-so-steady hand, so that I can put it into the coffee maker. It's our little ritual - and so, so cute to watch his earnestness!

The other morning I noticed that right when I got Kai up for his day, he went directly into the dining room. I didn't think much of it - he had a smile on his face and was quiet for a few minutes. Us moms know that when our almost 2 year old has a smile and is quiet, we simply breathe a prayer of thanks and let it be.

The next day though, I did take note, because, as if on a mission, he did the exact same thing.

Big smile.

Direct route to the dining room.

Sweet quiet while he did... whatever it was he was doing.

Eventually moms of almost 2 year olds realize that it is very wise to investigate sweet quiet...

Yes, yes indeed, he's drinking his morning coffee.

So, our coffee grinding routine takes place each evening. We get it all ready for Dave's 4:15 wake up time. We set the timer, and this black, life giving liquid begins to pour forth right around 4:10 am. ;) Dave fills his travel mug, to be consumed throughout his morning. But he also puts some in a smaller mug for what he calls his "bolus". It's like a jump start to get him going at such an early hour. :)

Dave usually doesn't drink the entire mug full, since his travel mug is ready and waiting. He was leaving his mug on my computer desk... and little one started to take notice. So began Kai's morning routine and he would "jump start" his day.

What gets me is that Dave doesn't make his coffee super sweet or anything. Kai was acquiring a taste for pretty dark coffee! Now, before you report me for child-addiction-endangerment, let me say that this only went on for about 3 mornings. And yes, I grabbed my camera on morning #3, before I grabbed the coffee cup out of his hand, but wouldn't you have done the same thing?!

Totally cracks me up that he put the thought into dragging his little chair over so that he could reach and everything.

Look at that face!

Oh man, is he ever cute. :) Even when he is getting into stuff that he isn't supposed to.

And for the record, Dave puts his mug in the sink when he is done with it now.

Sorry baby, we're cuttin' you off... cold turkey.

Photo favorites Friday - this is summer!

2011-08-19T15:43:00.001-04:00

I love summer. Even now - when the vast majority of the people (aka - status updates I read on facebook) are beginning to get very tired of heat and humidity and bugs and sweat. Honestly? - I still have all too vivid memoires of that l o n g winter. Remember, people? We were almost in tears daily. It would snow. And then it would snow. And then... well, you get the idea.

As long as the summer lasts, I intend to enjoy the

grilling

swimming

fishing

the fair

being outdoors

listening to the crickets in the evenings

fresh garden produce

and

all of that other good stuff that defines summer.

What my summer has been looking like, through my lens:

Thankfulness for him

2011-08-15T21:17:00.001-04:00

Thank you for coming home to me every night

{In a society that would say you have the right to pursue what ever desires and temptations you wish}

Thank you for seeing our life together through a lens of gratitude and patience

{Your perspective inspires me}

Thank you for helping me to tolerate dirt better

{Okay... so I'm trying}

Thank you for the kind of love you give; so freeing and without expectation

{It makes me joyfully want to pursue betterment}

Thank you for eating every meal that I fix - the good and the bad

{You don't even really like fish...}

Thank you for seeing past the walls, the weaknesses, all the places I hide
{And seeing me}

Thank you for looking in my eyes and gently answering the questions fueled by insecurity

{Over and over and over...}

Thank you for listening to me

{Even when I rattle on about stuff that may be 97.5% girly and you really have no interest in it whatsoever}

Thank you for laughing with me

{Some times our life is quite the comedy. The "we could either laugh or cry right now" kind}

Thank you for changing diapers
{That's hot}

Thank you for encouraging me to reach beyond myself, to become more than I think I can be

{When I limit myself}

Thank you for putting the boys to bed

{Every night that you are available to do so for the past 8 years}

Thank you for working hard

{Even when the nature of that work may not be your favorite thing}

Thank you for valuing "us"

{I love that you understand we can't just "coast" in our relationship}

Thank you for getting up at 4:15am - because you recognize your Spiritual responsibility

{That's just... wow}

Thank you for helping me to relax, have fun, be a red neck every now and then...

{I say that like it's a bad thing...}

Thank you for 5 beautiful babies

{The best gifts in my life}

Thank you for being totally fine with my body

{And the evidence that still exists, proclaiming it has grown and nurtured those 5 beautiful babies..}

Thank you for imparting faith to me when I am crunching numbers and trying to make our budget work

{When on paper, it says "THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK"}

Thank you for being my sanity at the end of so many insane days

{And reminding me that the life I have chosen, the life God chose for me, is the life that I love}

Thank you for choosing me
{Again and again}

Thank you for trusting me with places of your heart that no one has ever seen
{Knowing that I have the power to crush you makes me want to build you up in every way possible}

Thank you for being my friend

{Priceless}

The winner of the signed copy of "Seasons"!

2011-08-15T10:06:00.000-04:00

I used random.org - integer generator to choose the winner of the book "Seasons", by Elizabeth Byler Younts. I reviewed the book and talked about the giveaway here.

And the winner is - Katarina! So happy for you, friend! I think you will really enjoy reading this. :) Please email me your contact information, so I can send that on to Elizabeth and get your copy on its way.

Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway. As a reminder, click here to get right over to Amazon to order the book "Seasons" for yourself: Kindle version is also available!

Photo Favorites Friday "I have lots of little boys" edition

2011-08-12T09:01:00.000-04:00

I'm not living the life I planned...

2011-08-10T12:44:00.004-04:00

Source: thecolorfullivingproject.blogspot.com via Wendi on Pinterest

When I saw this quote the other day I felt, just for a second, like the wind had been pushed from my lungs.

So many scenarios played out in that "projector in my head" thing.

Flashes of little girls playing dress up in a neatly organized {finished} home... (grins)

Scenes playing out of healthy twin boys...

And you know... a white picket fence... and all that jaz.

Not stacks of youth sized diapers.

Not so many miles between me and my family.

Not a tiny grave a few miles away with a part of my heart buried deep inside.

Not this... not that...

Oh but what I would miss if I made the plans.

My heart aches when I think of the "perfect plan" for my life.

The ones I made up.

The ones I have dreamed of since I was a little girl.

And that ache comes not from longing, but from a thankful heart that sees through hopes and dreams to being so glad that sometimes we do not get what we ask for.

Can I be really honest?

{why yes you can self} {thank you self}

Those dreams - the ones we all have when we are young and imagine our futures? - Some of mine don't even really resemble my reality.

Some parts do, for sure. The man standing beside me and doing life along with me is pretty darn close to those little girl hopes and wishes. ♥ But even that... even parts of who he is have taken me by surprise... and proved difficult to process {gosh, he's... human???!}.

This isn't a rant.

Or complaint.

Or "I am not pleased with my life".

Goodness no.

This is a "we all have realities that we need to come to terms with".

There are things that you are identifying right this minute that are the farthest thing from a white picket fence...

It could be a move to a far away city.

Or being childless.

Or having kids and finding out it isn't at all what you thought it would be.

An addiction.

Shattered dreams of Cinderellas castle.... a happily ever after torn apart.

Special needs.

A chronic illness.

Finances in disarray.

In laws who don't "get" you at all.

Death.

Feeling deserted by friends.

- Even just in the mundane... mowing grass, cutting coupons, diffusing fights {over and over and over} - where's the glamor?

Why aren't we gazing into eachother's eyes and getting butterflies...?

You know that feeling.... "Wait, I imagined this going so differently. Wait. Wait..."

-And you desperately grasp at what's left of that "life we've planned".

We could do that; grasp at those threads of fantasy {I've done it}.

OR...

We can open our eyes wide to reality.

Look to the heavens {tell him of the chasm between your expectation and reality. He cares deeply. Yell if you need to. He can handle it}.

Open your arms.

And *have* the life that is waiting for you.

It is waiting.

Live it.

Live it with tears, and with pain.

Grieve what you need to.

But make sure that you are living it.

Live it with joy and dancing.

Engage in it {that means you *will* be getting dirty}.

Because fabricating a reality stuck in the "life you had planned" is holding you back {it holds me back alot}.

God has something better for you.

Some days it will not feel better. It will feel oh-so-hard...

But hang in there.

It's better.

Guess what I would have missed if I would have hid in my expectations?

Seeing miracles. Everyday.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New Living Translation (NLT)

 8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.

      “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

      so my ways are higher than your ways

      and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

*Don't forget to enter my giveaway for the book "Seasons"! This giveaway will be open until this Sunday night, August 14th. I will announce the winner Monday morning!

"Seasons" - A book review and giveaway

2011-08-08T13:23:00.004-04:00

**Updated to add - I just heard from a reader who was not able to leave a comment. If you have trouble leaving a comment, but want to be entered in to the giveaway, please email me or contact me via facebook and I can put a comment in with your name on it. :)**

I am extremely excited to share my review of this book! There are several reasons for this; first of all, the author is a personal friend of mine and I have observed her journey to getting published. This is no simple path to walk - and I am very, very proud of her!

Secondly, I have always been interested in reading about the Amish. I have read several Christian fiction books about Amish families, and the Amish way of life. I was thrilled when I found out that Elizabeth was writing her Amish grandmother's memoirs!-First hand knowledge of this way of life; struggles and heartache, intertwined with solid family values and a simpler life.

So, without further ado - let me tell you my thoughts on the book.

I read this book in two sittings. :) Granted, one of the "sittings" was during a nice extended nap time, much longer than Kai's usual, and I did nothing besides devour the book in that time. It was an easy read, and quite engaging.

The setting of this book takes place during the great depression, and I could truly feel the hunger, the fear, and sacrifice of the Lee family as they struggled to provide for their growing family.

I enjoy books where you can enter into the plot and feel what the characters are feelings. Seasons lived up to that expectation. From the joy of a new pair of warm gloves, and an extra piece of buttered bread, to the devastation of accidents and tragedies, I was gripped by the emotion woven into this story. Knowing that everything I read was true, and even knowing some of the people directly related to the main characters, made it all the more fascinating to me.

I must admit my eyes sprung a leak a time or two while reading Seasons. :) I don't see that as a negative point though. Again, I take that as the author truly appealing to her readers; engaging them in emotions felt by the characters.

When I finished the book, I felt a renewed appreciation for all of the blessings in my life. Sometimes I need to step back from my own situation for a while, walk a mile in some one else's shoes, be an observer, and spend some time in contemplation to truly be struck with my own blessings.

The blessing of family.

The blessing of togetherness.

The blessing of more than enough food at the table for every single meal.

The blessing of love - in abundance.

As well as the choice of a good attitude despite our circumstances.

I adored the thread of a love story woven into Seasons. In some ways, it reminded me of my own and brought a big grin to my face.

And.... I have super good news. :) One of my readers, who leaves a comment on this post, will be randomly selected to win a copy of Seasons, signed by the author herself! I really think you all would enjoy this read!

For the rest of you, click here to purchase it on amazon. Besides the soft cover book, there is also a kindle edition available.

This is the trailer for the book. (Scroll down to the bottom of this page to pause my music)

Photo Favorites...errr... sick mama Friday

2011-08-05T21:10:00.002-04:00

I had a few pictures in mind for some Photo Favorites Friday... and then my mind turned into mush and honestly, there isn't much going on up there right now. No snarky comments about how that isn't so different from my usual please... ;)

I'm feverish and have been kind of emotional - and well, it's just one of those days. Ya'know?

I had a sinus infection last week (I think). It wasn't awful bad, but enough to make me uncomfortable to the point of being motivated to make a doctor appointment. I went, he asked a few questions, I said, "I think I have a sinus infection", he said, "I'm pretty sure you have a sinus infection. Here's a prescription." And that was that.

I felt pretty good the next day. Three days later I was not doing so well. I was okay the next 3-4 days. Last night whatever has been going on in my body just decided to go big or go home. And it didn't go home. I started running a fever and feeling generally icky all over. This morning I felt kind of okay, and thought perhaps we could go on with our weekend plans; camping with my Mom2mom group and families. This is an annual event and although camping is still alot of work with the ages and stages of our guys, I knew it would be fun.

Fast forward to about an hour before we were to leave. I wasn't communicating to Dave very well how I was feeling. I could feel the fever returning. I tried to ignore it. We were packing stuff up. And then I just laid on the bed in the camper and had a bit of a tear fest. Somewhere in there I managed to get out that I was sick, like really sick, and knew that going would be a mistake. It sounded something like this "Bleh, meh...... buuuut... I'm sickkkkk.. sniff sniff... Don't blehhhhh, thinkkkkk I shouldddd.... goooo." Sniff sniff.

So, we agreed that the oldest three, who were nearly jumping out of their skin in anticipation of this camping trip, could go ahead and go with dad, and that me and Kai would hang out at home all weekend and see if I could perhaps get some extra rest and kick this nastiness out of my system.

Shortly after they left I really felt confirmation that the choice I had made was the right one. The fever has been elevating rather quickly - even with Tylenol. I am so glad that I listened to that "gut feeling" and made a choice to stay home and rest.

The house is quiet. The messes are still here though, reminding me of those precious guys in my life:) I forced myself to rest this afternoon, even as my mind saw the rare opportunity to do some beyond needed cleaning and organizing. I said no. And I am about to say no again. My hope is for a very deep sleep of many hours. We will see how kind Kai is to me. :)

Here is one photo favorite, while I can still think somewhat clearly. I took this one on Wednesday of two cousins who were a month apart. Love it!