An all time favorite

I take lots of pictures. {understatement}

Many end up in the recycle bin. Some make it to the wall, blog, or photo books.

Every now and then I download my card and a picture really stands out to me as one that I will look at some day and cry for the days when I had sweet little boys running around my house is just special.

This is one of them:

 

So many favorite things wrapped up in this image...

In other news, my ocd html disorder has manifested itself in a rotating blog header design. If you feel so compelled, hit refresh a couple of times and check out the three blog headers I have designed and written into my blog html code. (I know, I know... issues) And thank you very much for the pointers Jackie (you enabler).

To realign and simplify

I've done a little bit of "remodeling" over here and I love it.

I have a million and five things to do right now... WHY am I playing with the html codes on my blog design??

Some people have eating issues. Some people have html code issues. Let me explain: When I feel like I do not have the most organized house in the world, my schedule is crazy, and that beautiful illusion called "control" seems to be slipping from my tight grasp, I can go to my computer, open up my blog design page, type in a few letters & numbers;  and colors change, images change, sizes change - and they stay that way.

I tap the keys with orders of exactly what I want, and voila - magic. It happens. It neither talks back to me, nor gets undone 3 seconds after it is accomplished.

Issues? Me? Whatever do you say that for!

So, for seriousness, I do know the healthy and correct place to go when I feel like my world is swirling out of control. I spent an hour in prayer and dissecting passages of Scripture this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Exactly. God really met me where I was at this morning and my heart is ever grateful.

My sister called me this afternoon and asked if I was okay. It was so sweet, and I realized that my last post, and probably some recent facebook statuses may have indicated that I was in over my head, overwhelmed, not doing so hot.

And... that indication would probably be just about right on track for me this past week.

Alot was going on with K. New potential photography clients began popping into my inbox daily. Appointments filled the squares on my calendar. Homework for the boys, and various school papers needing attention began piling up on my desk. My menu board was glaringly white. Deadlines inched closer and closer.

I have been telling concerned friends and family for a few months now that I am NOT too busy. That I am doing great, feeling energized, and handling each thing as it comes.

That all felt true. But it may have been the adrenaline and coffee speaking for me.

Yesterday I had a very honest moment with myself when the house was quiet for the evening.

It was like this whisper that started in my head and then kind of wrapped itself around my throat in a half sob, half sigh... "I'm doing too much".


"How much longer can I keep this up?"

It sounds odd, even to me, but those two thoughts shocked me. I truly thought I was holding it all together well.

I'm not sure how long this whisper has been trying to get out to be heard.

I was probably too busy to notice.

I know that on Friday night I felt some interesting things that I haven't experienced for a long time. I couldn't sleep. My heart was racing. My mind refused to either shut off, or stop and focus on one thing. It was all.over.the.place.

As I have stated previously, so much of what we are involved in are things we have been called to do. I have commitments that I can not, will not, break. But it is definitely time to regroup and face my priorities head on.

Today I have given myself a bit of a day off. Dropping the two oldest boys off at school was the only thing that absolutely HAD to be done. I do not have to step foot back in my mom van at all today.

Weird!

Obviously there are things I have to do around the house, but for the most part I am laying low and seeking the face of my God, asking him to show me how I can best serve him. I know if I am spread too thin, doing too much, I will only be giving a fraction to each calling. No one will get my best. That's not what He wants for me. I know that.

As I evaluate, I am very torn. There is so much that I want to do. So much that I feel energizes me. Naturally I want to drop the stuff that is hard. I want to throw myself into that which I am most drawn to... selfishly. I have some fears inching up that I may be asked to lay down some stuff that I really don't want to.

But that fear is trumped by a faith that there is something far better than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that His best plan for me is always, always better than any "great" plan I may struggle to give up.


I have been blessed with some gifts in my life, which I may have inadvertently begun to allow to be shifted to the back of  my priority list. That new header that I put up is a great reminder to me as I look at it. Simple. Streamlined. My 5 (errr, actually my 4.... because the feet of the baby were running off doing their own thing while we posed for pictures).

God give me the strength to surrender to your best....

Overwhelmed and blessed

It was a gloomy-gray-drizzly-chaotic-rush-out-the-door-make-split second-decision-drop-your-bagel-on-the-sidewalk-peanut-butter-face-down kind of a morning.

Yeah, that good.

K's doctors can't seem to figure out why he continues to have these migraines/seizures. And why am I still hyphenating that, as if we don't know what they actually are?!

Oh, it's because we don't know what they actually are. That's right. Now I remember. Educated, experienced doctors of the brain are scratching their heads.

I can handle being told, "we don't really know what is going on with your son." -However, what is beginning to rile the inner mama-bear is this attitude of, "let's just increase his meds!"

Ummm, no.

How about we put the time into really getting to the bottom of this? How about we run some more tests, get some more minds onto this, look deeper at the root issues, and make a more informed plan?

Lesson #1: I am the mom. I am going to have to say what I am thinking, do what I am expecting them to do, and advocate to get what I feel K needs.

They won't just do it.

Lesson learned.


Insert moment of  honesty-

Friends, my head is spinning and I am feeling crazy overwhelmed a little bit frustrated. Oops, moment of honesty. Okay - crazy overwhelmed. 

There is just so much. So, so much in my life right now. I had a conversation with Dave the other day (I seriously have no idea what day it was. I say "the other day" to pretend that I am just throwing out a casual term, when in reality I just plain do not know the day), we were discussing how completely constant our life has become. He said, "but as I am thinking of all that we are involved in, I can see that it is all stuff that we have been called to do!"

And he's right. I just have to pray earnestly for the grace to do the things he has called me to. I trust that God would not put things into my life and and then leave me to flounder and face being overwhelmed.

Unless, of course, I am trying to do them all in my own strength. Which, I might add, is a daily battle.

So much of what is in our lives, these things that may make me feel anxious and run-down, are also our greatest blessings. Funny how that goes isn't it??

I just told Dave, on one of about 487 phone conversations I have had with him today (Oh yay! I actually remembered the day I had this conversation!), that right now all I really want to do is snuggle up under my down comforter with a cup of hot cocoa, and just be still. Completely still for a few hours.

Every now and then rest like this is very, very good. Even essential. But the whisper to my heart right now is saying, "keep going. You can do this. Press on."

I am not here on earth to rest and be pampered. Those moments are special treats, and I believe that God delights in our pleasure and joy in resting and being pampered. But only as dessert. A little icing on the cake. The main course is a life of service. I am here to serve. And I know that he will give me the fuel needed.

{Deep breath}

Now to press forward and live my busy blessed life. :)

His second birthday

Sitting tall

I think when he is up there, taller than even daddy; there is this hour of his life when he feels in control.

Doing something that not even his brothers have done yet.

Giving commands to something bigger than him, and feeling whole and complete and big.

 We are blessed, blessed, blessed to have some really amazing programs in our area that encourage our K. Ever since he was 6 months old people have been working with him, pushing him to reach his highest potential, loving on him with us. He truly has had a village... a team of people who have come on board with us to give him a great shot at an independent life.

We love this boy like crazy. So, to have others investing in his life? - Well, we can't help but love them too!

There are so many times when opportunities come up for the other boys.

Things that they love.

Things that require two hands working well together,

or running,

or being able to have sharp vision.... so much that excludes K.

Sometimes my heart just breaks a bit. And yet, I want to always be very vigilant about not holding the other three back, just because K is not able to do some of the things that they can. It's such a balance. We have worked to find things that are just K. Special and important.

Well, this is one of those things. A horse riding program just for kids who struggle to do things that they see other kids doing. Kids with needs that are just higher maintenance.

Of course at first the other boys were quite vocal about how terribly unfair it was that "K gets to ride a horse every week"...

and "why can't they?!"...

and "oh me oh my, this is just awful!"

But I sat them down and talked to them,

{heart to heart; mom to sons}

We talked about all of the cool things they get to do, and how easy so many "normal" things came to them.

We discussed how it would feel to have a body that just won't work the way that you wish it would; a hand that struggles to grasp things and legs that feel weak.

It took a while, but I am pleased to say that after fielding some questions and having a good conversation with Jay, Noe, and Kai, they seemed to really get it. And they seemed genuinely happy for K.

{Whew. One of many, many important conversations that actually had an impact. Praying that God continues to give me wisdom and words to nurture compassion and understanding in these little guys.}

At first I only saw the value in what it brought to K on a physical level. It greatly improved his core strength and balance. But then I watched him this past weekend, and I saw how the instructors were giving him more and more freedom in guiding and directing his horse, Sable.

He knows the commands; he knows when to tighten the reigns and when to give him more slack.

He is in control when he is up there.

Sable has a bit of an attitude, but they have a bond. After all, they do have much in common that way. ;)
It's a sweet thing to watch my little man up on that horse.

A very sweet thing, indeed.

Photo Favorite Friday

This kid....

makes my heart seriously laugh.

Alot.

He's awesome.

Grateful

There's all this driving and reeling and running and scheduling.

It's insanity and exhilarating all at once.

I could complain, but the truth is, I wouldn't change much.

More time with the family, s l o w l y taking it all in? -Well, yeah, there is that.

Time to process life as it is happening, instead of running to the next thing scrawled on the calendar? - might be nice.

But there is this word that encompasses what God is teaching me right in this moment, and it is Gratitude. I am going through a book about it, with a friend. Gratitude reminders are getting deposited into my heart and mind through songs, sunsets, soft skin...

Deposit, deposit, deposit.

Be grateful. In everything.

Breathe it in.

Fill your heart.

Recognize it.


So, I choose to be grateful as I run and jump and scrub and try to pace myself through it all.



Several have asked about the wedding last weekend.

Yes, we did it! We made it through our first wedding as photographers, working together.

It was exhilarating.

It was exhausting.

It was great for gaining experience.

And we got some gems in amongst our combined 1,000 + photos.

(More here)

Not sure if I can say this enough: God has blessed me so much in what he has put into my life! 

I love what I do.

I get to be a wife,

a mom,

a photographer,

and a crisis pregnancy counselor.

I get to sing in our church's worship team, teach 3rd-6th grade girls in awana, lead our Mom2mom group, be a part of a neat camera club, write freely on my blog, make my house a home, be an encourager to a wonderful man, invest deeply in the lives of 4 of the most amazing boys.... I could really go on and on.

 I am living so many of my dreams.

Some days are just plain hard (as I admitted in my last post).

Some days are pure chaos.

Some days are sweeter than you could imagine.

But always.. gratitude.... always.

As I close this to run to the next thing that is calling out to me, I want to let you know that I am planning to do a photography post soon. I feel like I, personally, have barely even begun to scratch the surface of the vast amount of knowledge there is in mastering this skill, so I have hesitated with going forward with the photography post for a while. That being said, I went from a point and shoot to an SLR camera a little over 2 years ago and I learned most of what I know from blogs and on line resources. Regular, every day people sharing what they have learned is one of the best ways to sharpen skills! If you have any questions or topics you would like to read about, pertaining to photography or photo editing, please let me know in the comments of this post. I may or may not be able to address them, but I thought it would be really fun to share some of what I have learned!

Writing about Hydrocephalus

A few weeks ago I was asked to write a guest post, highlighting our ups and downs in parenting a child with hydrocephalus.

I was honored to join others in writing on the blog All Things, in recognition of national hydrocephalus awareness month.

Here is my addition to the conversation on hydrocephalus (and coffee).