There is a significant section in the story of K's life in which she is the heroine. It is written in permanent ink, and will be read often

There was a part of me still hoping...

maybe there was some way that things would go the way we expected,

hoped,

thought was the very best thing for our little boy.


I made calls and I fought change and I pushed... for a while.

But it is time for her to impact the lives of other kids {she's going to do that so well}...

And it is time for me to gracefully embrace change.


Deep breath.

I could write a thousand posts about how hard change is for me,

how hard this particular change was for me,

how many facets of this shifting in K's educational support made no sense,

and how we are still struggling with things like

a union,

and seniority,

and wording of IEP's

bidding on jobs instead of taking a students best into consideration.

Yes, this is the public school system.

I know, I know, I know.


And we are making a choice.

That choice is to send our kids to this school,

to advocate tirelessly for K,

that he might learn in the best way he possibly can to reach his highest potential,

while upholding a testimony of gentleness, kindness, and respect.


Deep breath again.

Never could we forget the two years that she has invested deeply in the life of our K. Never ever.

He will remember her too.

She was strong enough to not allow him to play her or push her around, and soft enough to love him.

I'm a mom. That is priceless to me.

I think there were weeks that she may have spent  more waking time with him than I did.

She taught him.

Learned who he was.

Adjusted with him.

Made copies of homework in huge print to accommodate his visual impairments.

Enlarged, wrote, tweaked... so much that I probably never even knew.


She was his one-on-one aid for two years. She is called a "para pro"- a parent professional. And I think that is such an appropriate term.


Because in alot of ways she has a mommy heart - the parent part, while still having a high level of professionalism. Kind of the best of both world, you see.

This isn't the way she thought it was going to go either.


The bar is set pretty high.

I think she may have spoiled us.

I know we will come to know the next one who will fill her shoes.

It will all be okay. It's just... hard. Because we really love her.

I have no doubt in my mind that her support and expertise is a huge part of why our child, with too many labels to list, was able to be in a mainstream classroom and keep up with a kindergarten class two years ago, and then 26 first graders last year.

We will always, always be grateful.

When they remember

When my boys no longer need me to tie their shoes,

and cut up their meat,


When they no longer ask why the sky is blue,

or beg every day to swim,


When their world stops revolving around cookies {wait, does the world ever stop revolving around cookies??},

and caterpillars,

and swinging,


When more reality enters their world and childhood ways begin to recede -

I hope {really hope} that they will look back on this time - on their little boy years - and they will smile and they will know that they were very loved.


I hope that they will see the time we spent - even when there wasn't necessarily alot of money spent.

Dave and I smile when we think about the memories we are making with them.

-To think that at least the oldest three are at an age where they will remember alot about their now. Alot about these moments, days, years.

We had kind of a summer's-last-hurrah camping trip last Thursday afternoon through early Sunday morning {We pulled into our home sweet home around 12:45am Sun. morning. Living on the edge for this old couple!}.

There was dirt and mud and overly tired moments.

There were mosquitoes and fish that didn't bite.

There were a few melt downs


But there was also alot of laughing.

There were training wheels put to work and ice cream bars at bedtime,

Games played by the whole family and so much cheating we couldn't help but laugh. 


These little boys had energy that s h o c k e d this mama!


We swam in the most beautiful lake in the my world.

And it just happened to be a perfect beach day.

Watching them was like joy personified in four little bodies.

And I think they will remember.

This was definitely a vacation on a budget. 


You better believe if there are free things to be enjoyed, Dave and I will find them. ;)

And I don't think they cared one bit.

We are so blessed, in so many ways that can not be quantified.

They are blessed, and I hope they get a good grasp on that at a young age.

I think they are starting to get it.

We found so many treasures this past weekend.

Most could not be held in our hands.

Sometimes treasures can be subtle, small, hard to notice. But when you look back they can almost take your breath away.

So, this was our weekend, and I am so thankful for it's goodness.

Now we are switching gears to back packs and phone calls and meetings and all that fall begins and entails.

Memories are a wonderful thing to savor.

Have I mentioned lately how much I have been surprised by loving being a boy mom (worms and all)?! ;)

God is good.

The Kai and the coffee

If you peak in on my photo a day blog, then you know that our weekend was... kind of hard.

Maybe some day I will expound on it. Maybe not. The short story is that we had our first non-preemie-related-child-ER-visit. Jay got hurt while helping Dave unload wood from his dump trailer. He's fine. We're fine. But emotionally, we went through some tough stuff. There was a point when the "what could have happened" train of thought was inevitable... and it took much discipline to purpose that we were not going to go there.

Ya'll know about me and fear?... Well, this latest incident tugged at those insecurities and lack of faith quite solidly. I think, in the long run, it is going to help me to face the fear though and continue to work through it in a positive way.

So, while I am processing all of this I am just going to go with some cute Kai pictures on the blog today.


Somehow Kai has learned that coffee is kind of sacred here.

No clue how he picked up on that...

...but any way, when I go to grind the coffee he stands beside me, patiently waiting for the jar of fresh coffee. I hand it down to him, he so very carefully guards that jar with both hands and slowly walks into the kitchen with it. Then he hands it up to me with a chubby, but oh-so-steady hand, so that I can put it into the coffee maker. It's our little ritual - and so, so cute to watch his earnestness!

The other morning I noticed that right when I got Kai up for his day, he went directly into the dining room. I didn't think much of it - he had a smile on his face and was quiet for a few minutes. Us moms know that when our almost 2 year old has a smile and is quiet, we simply breathe a prayer of thanks and let it be.

The next day though, I did take note, because, as if on a mission, he did the exact same thing.

Big smile.


Direct route to the dining room.


Sweet quiet while he did... whatever it was he was doing.


Eventually moms of almost 2 year olds realize that it is very wise to investigate sweet quiet...

Yes, yes indeed, he's drinking his morning coffee.

So, our coffee grinding routine takes place each evening. We get it all ready for Dave's 4:15 wake up time. We set the timer, and this black, life giving liquid begins to pour forth right around 4:10 am. ;) Dave fills his travel mug, to be consumed throughout his morning. But he also puts some in a smaller mug for what he calls his "bolus". It's like a jump start to get him going at such an early hour. :)

Dave usually doesn't drink the entire mug full, since his travel mug is ready and waiting. He was leaving his mug on my computer desk... and little one started to take notice. So began Kai's morning routine and he would "jump start" his day.

What gets me is that Dave doesn't make his coffee super sweet or anything. Kai was acquiring a taste for pretty dark coffee! Now, before you report me for child-addiction-endangerment, let me say that this only went on for about 3 mornings. And yes, I grabbed my camera on morning #3, before I grabbed the coffee cup out of his hand, but wouldn't you have done the same thing?!

Totally cracks me up that he put the thought into dragging his little chair over so that he could reach and everything.

Look at that face!

Oh man, is he ever cute. :) Even when he is getting into stuff that he isn't supposed to.

And for the record, Dave puts his mug in the sink when he is done with it now.

Sorry baby, we're cuttin' you off... cold turkey.

Photo favorites Friday - this is summer!

I love summer. Even now - when the vast majority of the people (aka - status updates I read on facebook) are beginning to get very tired of heat and humidity and bugs and sweat. Honestly? - I still have all too vivid memoires of that l o n g winter. Remember, people? We were almost in tears daily. It would snow. And then it would snow. And then... well, you get the idea.

As long as the summer lasts, I intend to enjoy the

grilling

swimming

fishing

the fair

being outdoors

listening to the crickets in the evenings

fresh garden produce

and

all of that other good stuff that defines summer.

What my summer has been looking like, through my lens:

Thankfulness for him

Thank you for coming home to me every night

{In a society that would say you have the right to pursue what ever desires and temptations you wish}

Thank you for seeing our life together through a lens of gratitude and patience

{Your perspective inspires me}

Thank you for helping me to tolerate dirt better

{Okay... so I'm trying}

Thank you for the kind of love you give; so freeing and without expectation

{It makes me joyfully want to pursue betterment} 

Thank you for eating every meal that I fix - the good and the bad

{You don't even really like fish...}

Thank you for seeing past the walls, the weaknesses, all the places I hide
{And seeing me}

Thank you for looking in my eyes and gently answering the questions fueled by insecurity

{Over and over and over...}

 Thank you for listening to me

{Even when I rattle on about stuff that may be 97.5% girly and you really have no interest in it whatsoever}

Thank you for laughing with me

{Some times our life is quite the comedy. The "we could either laugh or cry right now" kind}

Thank you for changing diapers
{That's hot}

Thank you for encouraging me to reach beyond myself, to become more than I think I can be

{When I limit myself}

Thank you for putting the boys to bed

{Every night that you are available to do so for the past 8 years}

Thank you for working hard

{Even when the nature of that work may not be your favorite thing}

Thank you for valuing "us"

{I love that you understand we can't just "coast" in our relationship}

Thank you for getting up at 4:15am - because you recognize your Spiritual responsibility

{That's just... wow}

Thank you for helping me to relax, have fun, be a red neck every now and then...

{I say that like it's a bad thing...}

Thank you for 5 beautiful babies

{The best gifts in my life}

Thank you for being totally fine with my body 

{And the evidence that still exists, proclaiming it has grown and nurtured those 5 beautiful babies..}

Thank you for imparting faith to me when I am crunching numbers and trying to make our budget work

{When on paper, it says "THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK"}

Thank you for being my sanity at the end of so many insane days

{And reminding me that the life I have chosen, the life God chose for me, is the life that I love}

Thank you for choosing me
{Again and again}

Thank you for trusting me with places of your heart that no one has ever seen
{Knowing that I have the power to crush you makes me want to build you up in every way possible}

Thank you for being my friend

{Priceless}

The winner of the signed copy of "Seasons"!

I used random.org - integer generator to choose the winner of the book "Seasons", by Elizabeth Byler Younts. I reviewed the book and talked about the giveaway here.

And the winner is - Katarina! So happy for you, friend! I think you will really enjoy reading this. :) Please email me your contact information, so I can send that on to Elizabeth and get your copy on its way.

Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway. As a reminder, click here to get right over to Amazon to order the book "Seasons" for yourself: Kindle version is also available!

Photo Favorites Friday "I have lots of little boys" edition

I'm not living the life I planned...

Source: thecolorfullivingproject.blogspot.com via Wendi on Pinterest

When I saw this quote the other day I felt, just for a second, like the wind had been pushed from my lungs.

So many scenarios played out in that "projector in my head" thing.

Flashes of little girls playing dress up in a neatly organized  {finished} home... (grins)

Scenes playing out of healthy twin boys...

And you know... a white picket fence... and all that jaz.

Not stacks of youth sized diapers.

Not so many miles between me and my family.

Not a tiny grave a few miles away with a part of my heart buried deep inside.

Not this... not that...

Oh but what I would miss if I made the plans.

My heart aches when I think of the "perfect plan" for my life.

The ones I made up.

The ones I have dreamed of since I was a little girl.

And that ache comes not from longing, but from a thankful heart that sees through hopes and dreams to being so glad that sometimes we do not get what we ask for.

Can I be really honest?

{why yes you can self} {thank you self}

Those dreams - the ones we all have when we are young and imagine our futures? - Some of mine don't even really resemble my reality.

Some parts do, for sure. The man standing beside me and doing life along with me is pretty darn close to those little girl hopes and wishes. ♥  But even that... even parts of who he is have taken me by surprise...  and proved difficult to process {gosh, he's... human???!}. 

This isn't a rant. 

Or complaint. 

Or "I am not pleased with my life".  

Goodness no.

This is a "we all have realities that we need to come to terms with".

There are things that you are identifying right this minute that are the farthest thing from a white picket fence...

It could be a move to a far away city.

Or being childless.

Or having kids and finding out it isn't at all what you thought it would be.

An addiction.

Shattered dreams of Cinderellas castle.... a happily ever after torn apart.

Special needs.

A chronic illness.

Finances in disarray.

In laws who don't "get" you at all.

Death.

Feeling deserted by friends.

- Even just in the mundane... mowing grass, cutting coupons, diffusing fights {over and over and over} - where's the glamor?

Why aren't we gazing into eachother's eyes and getting butterflies...?

You know that feeling.... "Wait, I imagined this going so differently. Wait. Wait..."

-And you desperately grasp at what's left of that "life we've planned".

We could do that; grasp at those threads of fantasy {I've done it}.

OR...

We can open our eyes wide to reality. 

Look to the heavens {tell him of the chasm between your expectation and reality. He cares deeply. Yell if you need to. He can handle it}.

Open your arms.

And *have* the life that is waiting for you.

It is waiting.

Live it.

Live it with tears, and with pain.

Grieve what you need to.

But make sure that you are living it.

Live it with joy and dancing.

Engage in it {that means you *will* be getting dirty}.

Because fabricating a reality stuck in the "life you had planned" is holding you back {it holds me back alot}.

God has something better for you.

Some days it will not feel better. It will feel oh-so-hard... 

But hang in there. 

It's better.


Guess what I would have missed if I would have hid in my expectations?


Seeing miracles. Everyday.

Isaiah 55:8-9

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ⁸ “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
      “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
 ⁹ For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      so my ways are higher than your ways
      and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

*Don't forget to enter my giveaway for the book "Seasons"! This giveaway will be open until this Sunday night, August 14th. I will announce the winner Monday morning!

"Seasons" - A book review and giveaway

 

**Updated to add - I just heard from a reader who was not able to leave a comment. If you have trouble leaving a comment, but want to be entered in to the giveaway, please email me or contact me via facebook and I can put a comment in with your name on it. :)**

I am extremely excited to share my review of this book! There are several reasons for this; first of all, the author is a personal friend of mine and I have observed her journey to getting published. This is no simple path to walk - and I am very, very proud of her!

Secondly, I have always been interested in reading about the Amish.  I have read several Christian fiction books about Amish families, and the Amish way of life. I was thrilled when I found out that Elizabeth was writing her Amish grandmother's memoirs!-First hand knowledge of this way of life; struggles and heartache, intertwined with solid family values and a simpler life.

So, without further ado - let me tell you my thoughts on the book.

I read this book in two sittings. :) Granted, one of the "sittings" was during a nice extended nap time, much longer than Kai's usual, and I did nothing besides devour the book in that time. It was an easy read, and quite engaging.

The setting of this book takes place during the great depression, and I could truly feel the hunger, the fear, and sacrifice of the Lee family as they struggled to provide for their growing family.

I enjoy books where you can enter into the plot and feel what the characters are feelings. Seasons lived up to that expectation. From the joy of a new pair of warm gloves, and an extra piece of buttered bread, to the devastation of accidents and tragedies, I was gripped by the emotion woven into this story. Knowing that everything I read was true, and even knowing some of the people directly related to the main characters, made it all the more fascinating to me.

I must admit my eyes sprung a leak a time or two while reading Seasons. :) I don't see that as a negative point though. Again, I take that as the author truly appealing to her readers; engaging them in emotions felt by the characters.

When I finished the book, I felt a renewed appreciation for all of the blessings in my life. Sometimes I need to step back from my own situation for a while, walk a mile in some one else's shoes, be an observer, and spend some time in contemplation to truly be struck with my own blessings.

The blessing of family.

The blessing of togetherness.

The blessing of more than enough food at the table for every single meal.

The blessing of love - in abundance.

As well as the choice of a good attitude despite our circumstances.

I adored the thread of a love story woven into Seasons. In some ways, it reminded me of my own and brought a big grin to my face.

And.... I have super good news. :) One of my readers, who leaves a comment on this post, will be randomly selected to win a copy of Seasons, signed by the author herself! I really think you all would enjoy this read!

For the rest of you, click here to purchase it on amazon. Besides the soft cover book, there is also a kindle edition available.

This is the trailer for the book. (Scroll down to the bottom of this page to pause my music)
 

Photo Favorites...errr... sick mama Friday

I had a few pictures in mind for some Photo Favorites Friday... and then my mind turned into mush and honestly, there isn't much going on up there right now. No snarky comments about how that isn't so different from my usual please... ;)

I'm feverish and have been kind of emotional - and well, it's just one of those days. Ya'know?

I had a sinus infection last week (I think). It wasn't awful bad, but enough to make me uncomfortable to the point of being motivated to make a doctor appointment. I went, he asked a few questions, I said, "I think I have a sinus infection", he said, "I'm pretty sure you have a sinus infection. Here's a prescription." And that was that.

I felt pretty good the next day. Three days later I was not doing so well. I was okay the next 3-4 days. Last night whatever has been going on in my body just decided to go big or go home. And it didn't go home. I started running a fever and feeling generally icky all over. This morning I felt kind of okay, and thought perhaps we could go on with our weekend plans; camping with my Mom2mom group and families. This is an annual event and although camping is still alot of work with the ages and stages of our guys, I knew it would be fun.

Fast forward to about an hour before we were to leave. I wasn't communicating to Dave very well how I was feeling. I could feel the fever returning. I tried to ignore it. We were packing stuff up. And then I just laid on the bed in the camper and had a bit of a tear fest. Somewhere in there I managed to get out that I was sick, like really sick, and knew that going would be a mistake. It sounded something like this "Bleh, meh...... buuuut... I'm sickkkkk.. sniff sniff... Don't blehhhhh, thinkkkkk I shouldddd.... goooo." Sniff sniff.

So, we agreed that the oldest three, who were nearly jumping out of their skin in anticipation of this camping trip, could go ahead and go with dad, and that me and Kai would hang out at home all weekend and see if I could perhaps get some extra rest and kick this nastiness out of my system.

Shortly after they left I really felt confirmation that the choice I had made was the right one. The fever has been elevating rather quickly - even with Tylenol. I am so glad that I listened to that "gut feeling" and made a choice to stay home and rest.

The house is quiet. The messes are still here though, reminding me of those precious guys in my life:) I forced myself to rest this afternoon, even as my mind saw the rare opportunity to do some beyond needed cleaning and organizing. I said no. And I am about to say no again. My hope is for a very deep sleep of many hours. We will see how kind Kai is to me. :)

Here is one photo favorite, while I can still think somewhat clearly. I took this one on Wednesday of two cousins who were a month apart. Love it!