This makes me feel alot less like I am pretending

Soooo... We have a photography website!! 

I am very excited about this. 

Check it out!

The web address is ordinarymiraclesphoto.com

Or you can just click on this picture

Or you can click on my link bar on the far right where it says "photography website".

Because, you know - I can't just tell you one way.

And I have to be creative in letting you know about it.

So take a look.

Tell your friends.

And let me take your picture. :)

The End.

On changing my default

It's early and the bright is struggling to infiltrate the murky overcast dark of last night.

Today is a day of staying home.

There wasn't the necessity for clothes to be picked out and distributed by different beds, lunches to be made, or backpacks to be set by the door. We have a "long weekend" consisting of four days with no school.

For those of you who are already out of school for the year, Shhhhhh. We just aren't there yet. But where we are is still good. Four day weekends make us smile alot around here.

I've been up for an hour and a half. Instead of taking advantage of the no school ticket and sleeping in - I instead embraced the quiet hours, knowing that throughout this day those moments would be treasured.

Beside me is my notebook, my red non-spillable coffee mug (thanks again sweetie, our couch and carpet thank you too), Bible, and pen. All evidence that it has, indeed, been a very good morning so far.

I've had time to think clearly, aside from chaos, needs, and noise. And there is still a smile on my lips from what I have been considering.

I'm thinking about my default, and how it is changing.

I've shared before about my passive aggressive tendencies (I talked about it here in a post entitles "Burnt Toast"). Calling it a "tendency" is really being far too kind to myself. It's more like a beast. Calling my passive aggressive nature a "tendency" is  like calling a garbage truck a tea cup. Passive aggressive people manipulate. Their poor unsuspecting prey often does not even know that they are being woven into this controlling maneuver. And yet, it can be easy for me (see, I'm owning it) to lie to myself.

La-la-la. It's a tea cup. A pretty little china tea cup. With flowers on it. And they're pink. Lalala-la la.

Okay, so this beast -

this sighing (loudly) when I'm upset over something instead of calmly going to the offender and gently communicating to them, with words, how we can work through the situation -

these glowering looks (my dad called it "shooting daggers with your eyes", and I've done it since I was pretty young) -

the insulted sulking that would hinder hours, sometimes even days, of family life thriving -

pouting where there should have been joy -

-this is very much my default.

And it is a beast that I hate. I am learning to hate it even more as I strive to see myself as God sees me. When I truly see myself as He does, this garbage truck is like a huge black mark marring what he has already cleaned. It makes him sad.

But there is this twinkle of hope that is breaking through and it looks a whole lot like a pretty little china cup. ;)

Those default things in our lives, those things that we hate, but can't seem to be free from, they don't have to own us. No, let me put it this way, They do not own us.

Dave and I have been working hard on our communication. At first it seemed unnatural, but we stuck with it.

It looked like immediately speaking up when our feelings were hurt instead of letting it fester.

It looked like a hard conversation late at night, just to make sure that we were open with one another and that we were dealing with problems as they arose.

It has looked like phone calls, apologies, and admitting being wrong.

And guess what has begun to take place? A reprogramming of sorts.

My default is changing.

I almost can't even believe it, but I do believe it because my God is big and he can do this. It also takes alot of hard work and discipline. But he gives that.

I know there is still alot of hard to work to put into this. It is, and will continue to be, a process, but the pay off is incredible!

The other night I was tired. Not like, "it's been a long day and bed sounds good" tired, more like "I can barely move and I still have 15 tasks to complete, four very rowdy boys to care for, and a tired husband to deal with." A husband who was outside. Doing something, that I was just convinced was pointless and couldn't be nearly as important as all of my tasks that I really needed his help with (Because, you know, I can't really change diapers with out someone handing me the wipes).

My default, beast, trash truck, passive aggressive, fleshly, sinful plan began to halfheartedly rise up in my heart. But something wasn't right...

It didn't come to the surface.

It felt sticky and wrong.

What once came naturally, and as if it were just a part of me, felt foreign.

Heavy even.


Make him feel bad for his hard work?

Make them feel guilty for their dependence?

Make myself feel yucky inside by pouting?

And my whole being screamed, no!

Look at their sweet faces! Remember. Remember moments of beauty and how longed for, prayed for, and cherished they each are!

Look at the tired lines around his eyes. And look at how much he loves you. That man treats you like you are a princess. Give him a break and get over yourself! See the love, feel the love, do not ever forget how you are loved!

Look at yourself. Consider who made you. How you were lovingly formed and life was breathed into you with purpose and value. Retain your dignity lady.

And that which always came so natural before was being rejected.

Was I still tired? Yes sir!

Did I find great joy in all that still needed to be done before I could relax? Not great joy, I wasn't doing a happy dance ya'll, I hadn't enough energy for that. But joy was present.

Like a sweet little tea cup. Small and kind of timid, trying to emerge untainted from the trash, it was there.

To enlarge his world

This summer will bring a change in our routine. 

We are excited, and looking forward to many plans.

I also have to be honest and say that there is a bit of trepidation for this mama when she thinks of all that is coming in a couple of short weeks.

See, we didn't fare so well over spring break. And as the days of no school and a house full of boys went on, it hit me head on that this was just a very small taste of what our summer would be...

And it was with a guilty taste in my mouth that I realized that my time with just two boys for 7 hours was quite comfortable, and that I wasn't 100% looking forward to our summer {hangs head} ...

I love these boys and I do cherish my time with them. But boy oh boy is it alot when from sun up to sun down I am dealing with... ya'know SON up to SON down... Lots of SONS.

K will be starting physical therapy twice per week this summer. He has had a couple of years off from private therapy, as he has received it form school. However, we have noticed a bit of regression in his walking this past month. We think it may be due to a growth spurt, and his gross motor skills not really knowing what to do with that. So we are being proactive and investing in some intensive therapy for him. This alone will be adding alot to our days.

Of all that we will be doing this summer;

zoo trips

potty training

camping

taking lots of pictures 

swimming in our back yard pool

family reunion

potty training

going to the park

not going insane

potty training (you get the idea)...

I see one big purpose emerging from all of the other activities on our summer to-do list.

That is: making K's world larger.

You may wonder what that means. What does that involve? What is the purpose?

Well, if you are wondering that, then I am right there with you. I can explain what I mean by the statement of "making his world larger" - but as for the practical application of what that is going to look like for us, for him, for our day to day lives - I'm not really sure yet.

We had K's IEP (Individual education plan) a couple of weeks ago. This is a meeting with his therapists, teachers, and principal, to discuss how he is doing and what steps we should take for his next year of education. We got some very positive feedback at that meeting. He's doing well. First grade work has not been a piece of cake for him, but he has made us so proud in working hard and keeping up with a regular first grade class room (Way to go little buddy!!!). 

Typing that sentence nearly takes my breath away as I remember his fight for life and the lack of expectations from doctors. Yes, God is good. All the time.

As our IEP meeting went on, we began receiving very consistent feedback, as to areas that K was struggling in, from each person in attendance.

"He's doing great with his reading - but he doesn't seem to be comprehending what he reads"

"He's a joy to work with, but his reading comprehension is way below that of the rest of the class."

"He's keeping up with everyone in just about every area! - But his reading comprehension is not where it should be."

Okay. So we are getting this. We are processing it and trying to figure out what is going on in his brain.

Then Dave makes this statement that pretty much nails it. Everyone is amazed at his insight (including me!), because suddenly this "wondering"; this missing puzzle piece appears through his words.

"He doesn't have a point of reference for most of what he reads. It's like his camera doesn't have film in it"

Ding, ding, ding! And the light bulb moment commences...

See, alot of what K is reading has to do with team sports

Or running around outside

Or going to the grocery store...

K can only see arms length.  Even with his glasses on and all the help the medical community can give him. He is considered legally blind. I tend to hold that term quite loosely, because I have experienced him visually deciphering things pretty well.

He is the only one who truly knows what he can see at arms length. It may be blurry shapes and colors, it could be fairly good depictions of what is truly there. 

We also know that his hearing isn't exactly as it should be. He hasn't been tolerating his hearing aid well at all lately.

I say this because that makes his world really small.

He doesn't run. He doesn't play sports. And he only knows what is right in front of his nose. That is why he loves his special movies, computer games, and his play-list so much. 

It's familiar, 

It's right in front of him.

And it's his world.

You know how when you read, you always have a running picture in your head of what you are reading? You read a sentence about a woman taking a walk in a field of wildflowers and you envision brilliant flowers, green grass, bright sun, maybe even the clothes the woman is wearing. You can almost smell the flowers or feel the warm sun on your back...

He doesn't have these points of reference - thus, his camera with out film. The skill of reading has come fairly easy for him. But they are empty words with out the experiences to attach to them.

So guess who has the privilege of making that world broader?? Yep. We do. :)

As I said, I am not sure what all that means.

How do you bring the world to someone who can not see well, can not experience it fully, and who has begun to limit himself to what is familiar?

Well, as much as I don't know all of the answers, I know that this is a special responsibility given to us and our God will be gifting us with the wisdom needed for this task!

Look out world. I'm about to bring you to my little boy!

Photo Favorites Friday

Just for fun - today I want to share some of my favorite photos.

They are random.

Have nothing to do with eachother - and most aren't even recent.

But I like them.

And my intention is to just pop a few of my favorite images up on the blog every Friday.

Just for fun.

Unless I forget.

Then I won't.

So, you know, once a month or so I may actually remember that it is my intention to share favorite photos on Fridays...

(And for the record, just for fun, I was going to title this post foto favorites friday - Misspelling things for the love of alliteration can be fun in blog land. But I couldn't do it. Could.not.do.it)

At my grandma's funeral, February 2011

Just one of my favorite places. And they give balloons to little people. Which makes them happy.

My Kai and his buddy C. Something about this photo just does something to my heart.

Um... is it bad that this photo does something to my heart too?

Like it says - this is all what I see when I look out my window. And I really like it.

I have a thing for windmills.

I have a thing for him. And it's pretty hard core.

Now we see in part...

There are just things in life that we can't do justice to.

Like a sunset.

I saw one the other night that was this blazing display of power and beauty that nearly took my breath away.
My hand instinctively went to the camera that was conveniently at my side. But it stopped short of feeling the familiar weave of the strap.

I thought about shutter speeds and tripods. I briefly tried to throw together a plan to freeze this awe inspiring sight in a tangible form.

I looked at Dave. He shook his head. "You won't do it justice. I've tried before". So I took his hand instead and we just watched as the fiery dusk turned to a murky dark.

We have some photos of decent depictions of sunrises and sunsets. Dave particularly does well at scenic shots such as these. But we know, even as we look at them, that these images fall short of the real thing.


I've been thinking alot about that lately.

As I am faced with the beauty and pain of this world, this fallen world, I just think of what a poor rendition what we see is compared to "the real thing". The world God intended this to be. The world it will be again.

Those moments of pure, unadulterated sweetness on this earth - they are nothing compared to all of the good that is in store for us! That's hard for me to fathom.

I think of that little gazebo in Iowa when Dave got down on his knee and asked me to enter into this life with him forever. My heart had never known that feeling. Being pursued, really wanted. It was new and exhilerating and exciting. I felt so valued and saught after.


I think of the breathless adrenaline filled moments of meeting tiny people who God has gifted us with. Our children coming into the world.

Watching a sunset.

Connecting on a deep level with a dear friend.

Breathing in the scent of sweet roses on a summer day - sunshine spilling over our shoulders like a warm hug.

All of these things, as lovely as they may be, are just like holding a simple print of a sunset instead of beholding its authentic beauty in person.


And then there's the pain... Well, it stings and it shakes us.

It's hard to take.

Yet I feel God leading me to scripture verses that continually show me that this is not home. It's as if he is telling me, "Oh how I wish you could see the bigger picture. Trust me; this is such a little dot in the time line of eternity. Hang in there - stay solid and grounded in me.

                                                                            Just wait till you see the real thing! It'll be worth it."

In which milk and a spoon remind me how fleeting the time is

Mr. 19 month old Kai has just met an "unofficial milestone"

It's called feeding himself cereal... with a spoon... with milk on it... with minimal spillage.

If you don't think this is a big deal you have likely not been through the process. Trust me; it's a big deal. :)

I remember instances when I would barely find time to eat because meal times consisted of making sure every one had what they needed, helping K with eating certain things that were more difficult for him, and feeding the baby.

Even just taking one thing out of that multitasking equation makes my life noticeably easier.

...And yet, just look at him! Look at that handsome boy growing up quickly before my eyes.

It's a good thing for him to be gaining more and more independence.

It's a good thing to see healthy growth.

He's such a blessing.

But I realize with such clarity, as I watch this process happen, that my time with this precious one is so short.

I don't want to view any of my tasks related to him as a hindrance!

Believe me, there are days when cleaning up after "Tornado Kai" takes all the energy I have.

He dumps the trash

I turn to clean that up

When I turn back I see that he has opened the fridge and dumped a glass of milk

I go grab a washcloth to tend to that

And turn around to see the contents of my desk drawer strewn all over the dining room

At this point I usually feel my blood pressure rising...

That all too familiar feeling of "does anything I do matter? Everything that gets done by me is UNDONE with in minutes! It's all pointless!" washes over me.

But then I stop to remind myself what a blessing he is in this family.

He is silliness and radiance and sweet.

He is starting to say "Wuv UUUUU!" {love you} and it absolutely melts me.

Every toy becomes a phone in his hands and he smiles a huge rainbow of a smile and declares "bye-bye da-da!" {Perhaps this mama talks to that daddy person alot on the phone...}

Yes, my time with him is short.

It may be busy and full of work, but it is so short and I want that time to count.

When I look into those eyes I want to see - I need to see - the next generation of goodness.

I need to realize the weight of responsibility, and the weight of blessings, wrapped up in these little people in my house.

And as I do, I will continue to celebrate all of these self-cereal-feeding type milestones.

Soft

So there's this thing... it's kind of strange, but not necessarily unexpected.

It's happened before - when alot is going on.

In my heart, in my emotions.

When I am in this surreal place of feeling suspended between the realities of my day to day life and the movement of change


I can't write.

You know me -


She writes to process


She writes to worship


She writes to tell a story


She writes to remember


She writes to grieve


She writes to rejoice...

She who does all that...can't write right now.

I will. -I just know that at some point the words will come rushing in every direction and likely not dry up... until next time.

But in the mean time,

I am learning what it means to pray in a wrestling-with-darkness kind of a way.

I am learning what it means to invest in the lives of people I care about - and then give all I have invested to God.

I am finding myself holding my breath while I enter into a very, very hard month full of difficult milestones and memories for another dear family who I care deeply about.

And in the midst of all that is stretching me right now,

I am engaging in 8 days of Spiritual awakening at our church.

Solid Biblical teaching and worship.

Two hours every night,

Two hours of teaching, specifically geared towards woman, Tuesday and Thursday morning,

Four hours last Sunday, this Saturday, and this coming up Sunday,


I have to be honest here - I am feeling drained

-exhausted mentally and emotionally.

I keep telling God to just let me process all that is going on - to give me a breather to stop and try to bolster up some kind of protection around my heart.

Because it feels all vulnerable and soft.

It feels exposed.

I wanted to enter this week of revival rested,

fresh,

ready (my definition of ready).


Instead I entered it empty,

after sleepless nights,

in the midst of a spiritual battle.


And even as I was saying,

"God, let me recover first,

I want to do this, I want to invite you to awaken my heart and seek you with all that I am,

But all that I am is just so little right now.

So soft,

so vulnerable,

not ready.

Give me some time..."


Isn't that how we are?


God knows that's how I am.

And I can just see his smile... "Wendi, Wendi, Wendi."

Where I see weakness and exhaustion

He sees brokenness and a spirit ready to receive.

Where I see vulnerability, and label it bad,

He sees a lowering of pretense, and calls it good.

He sees tender,

moldability,

losing my strength to find His.

And even in my desperate pleas for a break; a minute to gather myself.

He says,

"I have you right where I want you".

A happy one indeed

This morning Noe ran into my room at 6:45 {I am forgiving} and said "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM!!". It was very sweet. 

I rolled over, in a very groggy state, and replied, "Thank you Noe! - Happy Mother's day to you too. You and your brothers made me a mom! Isn't that special?!"

He laughed. He looked at me with his little head cocked over to the right and said, "No we didn't mom. JESUS made you a mom!"

Indeed.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.

To my dear mommy Pat: You are the sweetest, most compassionate, loving and godly lady that I have had the privilege of knowing. I am humbled and grateful that God chose to gift me with you as a mother!

To my caring mother-in-law Arlona: I could never thank you enough for raising the man who brings me more joy than I ever could have imagined. Thank you especially for how much you are helping us out this year, while Dave is in school!!

To my wonderful {motherly} friend Kathy: You are a very important part of my life. I thank God for the influence you have had on me as a wife, a mother, and a Jesus following lady!

One could never do anything to deserve so many blessings! So I will just smile heavenward and accept the gifts. Because that is what they are. My boys and my mommies. Gifts...

And dear Jesus, please give my first little boy a very long hug today, because I miss him.

A meaningful project

The idea came some time ago - it just took a while to figure out how to make it happen.

Our work at the Center for Women, with the women in our community, motivated us to think it through.

What if we made them feel really special?

What if we celebrated their efforts of mothering, even when it is really hard?

When they choose life - they need to know that is a very worthy calling.

And we see that.

-Notice their dedication.

Celebrate it...


So we put our heads together,

compiled a plan,

had a few misunderstandings (because this is my life and I am in the learning stages of communication still...),

...and then at the last minute things were thrown together, prayed over, and our first mommy/baby Mother's Day photo sessions came about.

We contrived a studio with supplies that fit in a large Rubbermaid tote.

It included a garment rack,

curtain rod,

7 curtains,

a flower clip,

a small wooden chair,

and very possibly some scotch tape.

And through our photos, and the gifting of them, I pray that we conveyed what we hoped.


That their choices to give life,

to mother,

to work so hard,

and love.

Are choices of greatness.


That by them coming in each week and taking parenting classes,

prenatal care classes,

and bettering their lives,

They are reaching for something beyond themselves and above ordinary.


These women have my highest admiration. Many of them are doing this parenting journey alone.

-Working full time and coming home at night beyond exhausted, with no help to draw the baths and tuck the babies in.

I teach them and counsel them as I volunteer at this crisis pregnancy center, but I also look up to them in many ways.

Not all stories that come out of my work here are heartwrenching and sad.

Some speak of hard work and beauty.

 

Those eyes motivate me.

Such sweetness.

Of course I would be remiss if I didn't mention that much fun was a part of this project...

We had some time on our hands between photo shoots - and we couldn't resist...

So, it was fun, and it was friendship, and it was ministry and passion.

Alot of good.

For me, the cherry on top was handing the album of prints to one of our mommies last night. She was deeply appreciative and even had a little tear.

Mission accomplished.