Dumping out my brain, onto the blog

Kai learned how to get out of his crib all by himself yesterday.

\Boom - now any kind of parental constraining is over. Gone. Just like that.

As gone as babyhood.

I laid him down in his crib. Kissed his chubby cheek, walked downstairs, closed the stair way door, and began to clean the house.

About an hour later, I turned around because I thought I heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like the stair way door opening... and there he was.

We eyed each other for a while. He looked down, a little guilty like, but raised his eyes to mine. it was like he was asking, "am I in trouble? I did something that I think is really cool... but I'm pretty sure I'm in trouble."

I just stood there for a minute, aligning my mental response to this. The only thing that I could think in that moment was, "This is it. The crib is going to be coming down for the last time! I'm not sure I'm ready for this..."

Ready or not...

I walked over to him, took his hand and said, "Did you just get out of your crib all by yourself?"

I could see his eyes light up. "Oh, maybe she isn't mad!" 

"Yee-ahhhh!" - Was his response, with plenty of up and down head movement to go along with it.

I asked him if he got any "owies', and he showed me his hand and said "owe", but I'm guessing the owes must not have been too bad, based on how incredibly happy he was over the entire incident.


We moved K up to the next age group's Sunday school class at church a couple of weeks ago. He is now in a group with a very wide age span; 2nd-6th grade. I didn't think it through thoroughly enough, and it has become apparent that, much like at school, he will need someone with him to help him focus, and to redirect his attention. He tends to get in his own little world sometimes, and that hinders his learning, as well as distracting the other kids.

As K gets older I find that we have many new obstacles to climb. Oh you guys, I just have to tell you how very unqualified I feel I am for this sometimes! I want to include him in things that others his age are doing... I want to encourage him to reach his highest potential, but there are so many differences in parenting him than in parenting our other boys. Sometimes I feel at such a loss. My heart is so tender when it comes to that boy. This morning I left him in the school parking lot with his new aide and he was screaming and crying because he didn't want to go to school. I had little tears in my eyes, because I know how hard it is for his aide to deal with this kind of behavior. I don't know why he does this sometimes, and I just beg for wisdom as I seek to help him work on his attitude.

Sometimes this is just hard. 

Hard, hard, hard.

I get tired and I feel overwhelmed. I don't want everyone to know this.

I want them to see the shining, happy, well rested, ready to take on anything that comes in to my path.

So, here I am publishing this remark, to help me get over myself,

"Sometimes this is very, very hard, and I feel like I didn't sign up for this, therefore I can't do it."


You know what I love?

Besides cheesecake.


And caramel brulee latte's...

I love that God's power in me helps me to do things that are too hard for me. I don't have to run and hide when I get all freaked out at my life (do you ever get all freaked out at your life??).

Because, really?  He wants me to get to that place where I realize the overwhelmed feeling that comes when I try to do this on my own.

Okay, He's got me right where he wants me. *smile*


You know what I hate?

Besides mice in my house.

And parallel parking.

I hate the feeling of being behind in housework/organization, and how that just looms over my head. I feel like it steals good family moments and an over all peaceful and relaxed feeling.

I seriously struggle with being disciplined. I am praying that I continue learning what I need to do to make this a sweet, peaceful, organized, warm, and loving home. Well - Dave takes care of the warm part, because he is the king of cutting and stacking wood, and filling the wood stove. Except that he probably has a behind feeling looming over his head on that stuff too. Who has time for that when they run on his schedule? No one.

Any one want to come cut and stack some wood? And while you're here - feel free to throw in a load of laundry. Or two.

For real though, how do you guys do it? How do you get your home looking fabulous, while planning for and making the meals, while raising the kids, while trying to run a small business, while investing in your kids spiritual lives, while working out, while being involved in ministry, while trying to meet the needs of those around you?


Lily is officially in remission. After just two weeks. Amazing! This does not mean that she is carefree and done. Not in the least. She's in the hospital right now dealing with a recurring fever and no immune system while losing her hair, getting poked and prodded, having intense leg pain. And a rash. So prayers are being answered all over the place, and still greatly needed!

If some one had told me a few months ago that this weekend I would be going to Detroit to photograph a wedding, I likely would have written them off as certifiably crazed.

And laughed.

Guess what I am doing tomorrow?

Yep. Camera battery is charging, and creative inspiration is flowing

 I can't wait to show you some of the pictures! Trying to hold my nervous energy at bay...


I'm thinking about writing a blog post about finances sometime. It's kind of hard to know how much to open that subject up to the general public. And yet, I feel it is a subject that we need to be talking about.

Raising a family on one income is possible.

Tithing is important.

Trusting God for just enough is tricky, and oh-so-powerful.

Trying to keep up with everyone and get the latest and greatest of everything is not necessary.


And on that note... Dave got a pay cut last week. Enrollment at the university he works at is down. Much lower than the expected, and planned for, goal was. So - here we go.

I have had to be very creative in finances before, I can continue.


Every one of our needs has always been supplied.

And honestly, alot of our wants have come through too. Many in very unexpected ways. God ways.


Okay, brain has been dumped out. I feel much better now. 

Like mother, like son

Yesterday Jay and I had some alone time. It's few and far between these days.

He's getting so big. He's changing.

Alot.

Probably the one I am noticing change in the most.

Along with the narrowing of his face and lengthening of his body (oh my, we used to call him "chubber-boo" and he was this crazy rollly polly baby boy), is coming this deeply understanding look in his eyes. Those eyes look older than 6 to me.

It's good and it's scary.

He sat in the passenger seat and I drove. We went to pick up a gift for the baby. You know - the one who will be 2 in a couple of weeks. *gulp*

And we talked about stuff.

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, couldn't help but grin.

And this thought passed through my head, "I really like him".

I know, I'm his mom, right?!

What mom wouldn't like her own son? - Well, let me tell you - I have always loved this crazy bit of my own flesh and blood.  

Loved him deeply. 

But he was a really hard baby.

He was an impossible toddler.

Oh the stories I could tell...

So, here he is. He's six, and he's maturing like crazy, and I like him.

I want to spend time with him.

I want to be with him
and make jokes with him
and carry on conversations with him.



I want to brush his long blond hair out of his eyes and ask him all about his day.

I look forward to that.

So, we drove, and we talked.

He started asking me a few things about the church service we had just been to.

Then he looked up at me and said,

"Mom, sometimes I feel like I am being really good - like I WANT to be good - but then sin just comes...
(gets both fists and beats his chest) and it crashes on me mom. It just crashes on me."

Yep, he's my boy.

He's getting big.

I like him.

And he is a whole lot like his mama!

39 reasons

39 reasons why I love him

(And I'm not saying he turned 39 today. I'm just saying that today is his birthday, and I thought I would randomly throw out 39 ways that he is wonderful)

1. He has an authentic passion for things that God has called him to.

2. He is honest

3. He doesn't just take care of us, his family, nurturing and caring for people is part of who he is, and what he loves to do in life.

4. On days when he comes home, and the house looks like a hurricane and trash truck collided, he is not bothered by it in the least.

5. That one time that I put a scratch on his beloved truck, he encouraged me to learn from the mistake I made, but didn't say another word about it.

6. Family is very important to him.

7. He has a great work ethic.

8. He knows how to have fun.

9. He looks like a little boy, with the cutest grin, when he is excited about things.

10. He believes strongly in the power of prayer

11. He cooks really, really good food.

12. He cares about people who others may look right past.

13. Money is not his god.

14. He is patient.

15. He knows how to put first things first.

16. He listens.

17. He takes time to learn me and speak in my love language, even when it is quite foreign to him.

18. He is always there to throw out a high five, an encouraging word, a "how can I pray for you", to college students, guys at church, and people who God puts in his path.

19. He changes diapers. *swoon*

20. Sometimes he makes me "special coffee". And it is realllly good.

21. He enjoys watching sports every now and then, but that doesn't rule his life.

22. He can do just about any kind of home improvement project, car repair project, appliance fix-it project, and everything in between

23. He dreams big with me.

24. He encourages me to see the blessings in the small.

25. His eyes smile when his mouth smiles.

26. He isn't pushy.

27. He's a good teacher.

28. It's a treat to hear him play trumpet.

29. He is always striving to move forward, to learn more, to increase his faith, and not stand still.

30. He is tender with our boys, and takes his role as role model, seriously.

31. He doesn't mind clothes shopping with me.

32. He is a good balance of advocating for things he feels strongly about, and holding his emotions in check.

33. He adds logic to my overemotional thinking.

34. When he knows what is needed, he is more than happy to pitch in with house work.

35. He doesn't want what is easiest for our family; he wants what is best.

36. He encourages me in my love of photography.

37. He sends me silly texts to brighten my days.

38. He is creative.

39. He doesn't pretend to be anything he is not.

So, happy birthday to my David. Whatever year it is, these are just a few of my favorite things about you. :) Now, time to plan something epic for next year. - Not that next year is going to be big or anything...

She's special

She's special.

There are alot of little girls in my life, who I am very grateful for!

My nieces,

Little ones in the nursery at church,

Daughters of friends.

They all bless me and fill a little part of my heart that has always been reserved for the little girls that I thought I would some day nurture.

I can smile, see God's sense of humor, and wisdom, in giving me a house full of boys. Most of the time I am completely surrendered to this unexpected turn to my life. This mom to all boys thing. And I can see that God has filled that corner of my heart in other ways. Not in having daughters, but in little girls who have been placed in my life to love on.

So, there's this one little girl - sweet, spunky, and sassy as the day is long.


I anticipated her birth with her parents. Couldn't wait to meet her, because I knew she would be a significant part of my life.

Her parents had asked me to be her caregiver during the day, while they worked. This is no small thing to me. Being entrusted with some one elses new little one, fresh from heaven? That's trust. It's a privilege.

At the time, I only had K, and the days of weekly doctor appointments and very high maintenance were beginning to calm.

So, we added little miss Lily to our daily routine. She was 6 weeks old when I started watching her. Tiny and sweet. She was a good baby. I loved all of her girly outfits. She definitely added alot of femininity to my days.

I watched her for a few years. We added her brother, Adam, to our days a couple of years after she first came. They multiplied the fun and chaos of our home.

 2007

Their family is part of our church, our young couples Sunday school class, and our small group. Kind of like family.

Last Friday Lily went to the ER with a high fever.

 -And  by that night she was admitted to a larger hospital, hooked up to an IV, while her family processed her diagnosis.

She has leukemia.

She's 7.


She's a trooper.

Scared, but brave.

Tired, but not losing her spunk.

Her parents are radiating God's peace. You know, the kind that passes all understanding.


I went up to see her on Saturday. Kind of for her, kind of for me.

She had just had a blood transfusion and was perking up alot.

She had just found out that she would be losing her hair. She cried.

I wished I could tell her it was all just a bad dream. That she could pack up her coloring books and replace the little hospital gown with bright, fun, little girl clothes.

Hospital gowns shouldn't be made in little sizes like that.

I wished I could look at her parents, my friends, and tell them that their little girl's blood test results had accidentally gotten confused.
Messed up. 
That 7 year old's don't get leukemia.

But they do, and she does, and this is another chapter in their story.

Theirs is a story that not many experience. More heart ache than we humanly think we should see in people who are good and kind and hard workers.

We see the hurt and the bad. The ugly, scary, and painful.

It takes alot of faith to see the good; to see any good.

But it's there! We are seeing it in a church that is banding together tighter than before,

In faith that is stretching, and growing, and becoming more and more ready to see mountains move.

We are seeing it in families hitting their knees in ways they haven't for years, or even ever before.

We see it in silver linings that are obvious.

We see it in two individuals, who desperately love their children, taking a deep breath, standing tall, and saying, "okay, this is what's been given, we'll take it in stride. We'll do what we have to do to take care of our family, and give God the glory."

That's pretty wow to me.

Of course they cry,
of course they would do anything in their power to not have to watch their little girl struggle with a nasty disease and harsh treatment.
Of course.
But, even if they can't see it while in the midst of tough, the way they have stepped up and are shining through the process, has God's fingerprints all over it.


She's really special guys, and I would love for every one who reads this to please pray for her.

They have started a facebook page with updates on how things are going. Check it out to be able to pray more specifically for this situation.

The silver linings are good, and doctors are very hopeful for remission within a month.
But she's 7, and these treatments would be hard on anyone. 

She's going to have her very own personal story of God's goodness beyond what many will have. He's going to use it. I know He will.

The boy with the big quesiton mark; he's mine

There's this 8 year old boy, and some times I can't believe he is mine.

Am I old enough to have an 8 year old boy? 

Oh you crazy lady. Old enough and older!

Was I really entrusted with the responsibility, and given the gift of this 8 year old boy??
Um, that would be affirmative.

Sometimes I forget that what I do fluidly and naturally with him isn't normal. 

Sometimes, because he is mainstreamed in a "regular" second grade class room, and the day-to-day for him, and us, is good, normal, just routine, I forget that I am a mom, parenting special needs.

 

That will always be who I have become, and a big part of my life.

But I forget.

Yesterday we went to "The Big Hospital".

The one where he and JD were born.

The one that makes my stomach queasy with its smells and memories...

Where I feel anxiety, peace, and adrenaline combining in some strange form of dejavu.

Where the elevators talk to us, and we always giggle at them.

 

It was routine yesterday. Every 6 months we go there to see his neurologist, and it was time.

But this visit did help me remember - that what we deal with in our adventures of parenting isn't necessarily the norm.

While we were at the appointment K had one of his "episodes".

Migraine? Seizure?

It has been diagnosed, at different time, as both. Each. One, and then the other.

Most recently it has been migraines. 

These spells of shaking, confusion, stiff neck, and holding his head

It has been the topic of many a doctor appointment,

Many a test.

Many a concern for this mama...

Many a lesson in trusting God with the little man that he has put into my life.

I talked here about the time that we did 5 days of continuous video and EEG monitoring, to try to get to the bottom of our concerns.

Well, that ended up not really helping much at all.

Because the doctors never could induce one of these "episodes" in K, they determined that it must not be seizure activity.

After the nurse finally saw, with her own eyes, what he has been experiencing, she told us, and the neurologist, that everything about it looked like a seizure to her.

So, he examined,
and we discussed,
and another try at the 5 day continuous EEG monitoring was mentioned,
and finally, the very knowledgeable, learned, educated doctor said, 

...."Hmmm. I don't know."

I can appreciate his honestly.

And I can try to accept the fact that I may always be parenting a child with a bold question mark over his head.

I can do this. 

It's okay.

He's still my K.

 Yeah, that one.

The one with the grin that lights up a room and a contagious giggle.

That's my boy.

Question mark or no question mark.

He's my K.

No question about how much I love that little man.

 

None.

Answering his questions

Last night I had to look into two trusting eyes and answer some questions.

About buildings falling to the ground and planes with smoke pouring from the back of them.

Everything about him was so earnest... and for a moment I just wanted to turn the tv off and smile and tell him that it was just a movie.

You know, one of those movies that six year old's can't watch and mommy and daddy needed him to go to bed and no more questions please.

But instead we quietly took each question as it came.

- Questions about a day over 3 years before he was born... that changed our world, but defined his.

He was born into a world already crushed by fear, terror, and evil.


And really, we were too, weren't we?

Pre 9-11 world and post 9-11 world; fear, terror, evil.

It can render us terrified and ineffective, frozen in our insecurity of what may happen to this country.

Or it can propel us to a life of clinging to our Jesus like never before. It can nurture that place deep within our hearts that knows we were created for something more and longs for our real home.

A wise man, who Dave and I deeply love and respect, responded in this way when addressing some incredibly difficult issues that are affecting his life, "Such times push us hard against God. We affirm with the Psalmist that "…the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Psalm 100:5)"

And so as Jay looked up at the images being played out on our tv screen, remembering that day ten years ago, that is exactly what I tried to impress upon his young heart.

Yes, it was bad.

No we have no promise that it can't happen again.

Yes, there are people who share this earth with us who are not pure in heart.

BUT...

But, let us use these things to push us hard against God. 


Oh how I wish that I could look into innocent eyes that I love {so, so much} and give assurances and reassurances of safety and security.


But instead, I take hold of the truth, that I can give them assurance of comfort in times of trouble and a secure eternal future where terror can never touch them.

Photo Favorites Friday

I feel so honored to be doing life with him.

This busy, crazy, changing, accelerating, loud, never-lets-up, who-really-has-time-to-blog-anyway life. *Smile*

This will forever be a photo favorite of mine. Taken last week by my dear friend Cori. She got some great family shots too - will share more later.

A process of refinement

There is so much that I want to write.

Like how God is changing my heart.

How that can be scary and exhilarating.

How we feel the winds of change rustling in our hearts - a significant desire to drop temporal and earthly priorities.

There is a passion arising in this family to live in such a way that our focus would be on what lasts and what truly matters...

...more than it is now.

What that looks like, in a practical sense, is still blurry and undefined at the present time.

What we do know is that God is working in our lives.

He is continuing a process of refinement - and as you all know that can be painful while still being one of the most incredible processes you will ever be a part of.

Stretching and growing.

Seeking and surrendering.

There are transitions coming for our family, I am sure of that. We are already in the midst of some.

Today was the first day of school and there were new rooms,

new teachers,

new classmates,

Alot of new and a little bit of uncertainty.

But I feel that there will be more.

Shifting and adjusting and changing.

Aren't we constantly in transition in this life?

Some of these changes will simply take place in our hearts and minds.

Each choice, each step, every response and decision....

Not for us. Not for the here and now. But for something bigger and forever.

And some of the changes will be outward. We are seeking Him on so many levels to determine what some of these stirrings in our hearts mean.

This is what is ruminating in my mind.

Stirrings in their infancy are hard to flesh out and articulate. So, alot of this is very vague, I realize that. But, since I write to process - this is where it's at. *smile*

Over and over and over in the past 8 months or so I have grappled with the feeling of things shifting.

I have tried to pry my own fingers from this death grip on all that I find security in.

I have found security in earthly things for so long that I am nearly a professional at it.

Homes.

People.

Jobs.

Money.

Insurance.

Bank accounts

(technically the same as money, but I find so much security in this that it's worth being twice on the list).

What happens when houses aren't there any more?

What about when people get really sick?

Death?

A declining economy?

Job uncertainty?

Do you know those feelings?

It can be terrifying.

Those are the kinds of things that shake me to the core.

I have wanted (more than I can express, as well as more than I care to admit) to be able to arrange my life nicely around those things.

Around the people who I love

In the house that is home

with the predictable job

bringing in the counted on money

with the benefits of insurance.

Are these things bad?

Not in the least!

They are blessings of the most abundant kind.

But.... (surely you could feel that "but" coming...)

Should we place our security on them?

Should we prioritize around them?

Should we feel devastation if one of them shifts?

I do friends.

I do.

The pit of my stomach churns wildly when the pay check isn't as expected.

Or I hear rumor that insurance rates may go up... or change completely.

Or a relationship drifts.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer. And they hold a fortified position in my, mentally conjured up, security perfection.

How often I have played the game of "If I pretend this isn't happening, then it won't.

I just won't think about it. That's it! I'll think about something else and everything will be fine."  Laughable really.

Control Freak meets Insecurity and breeds into Fantasy Expectations and Perfectionism is a bad, bad combination.

Bad, bad, bad *shudder*.

Gosh, I'm guessing this entire post will be a bunch of rattling on nonesense to those who read. Sometimes I tend to forget that this place isn't just me, writing to process for...me. :)

But, this little entry in my corner of the internet has been helpful to me as I try to clarify the thoughts that are swirling.

I am so glad that I do have a constant. I am trying to pry my fingers off from the temporal and seal them onto the constant and eternal.

Welcome to the process.