It is what it is.... and it wasn't very pretty

So, Christmas....

It  was.... um, well, how about you tell me about yours instead?

Okay,

it was disappointing. And to be honest... pretty miserable.

We traveled all day Christmas Eve, over 500 miles, in anticipation of a whole week with my family in Iowa.

And then we got sick.

I started it early Christmas morning. And spent all day Christmas day either in my parents bathroom, or crawling from the bathroom to the bedroom. It led to nasty dehydration, and then the sharing began. First Kai, then Jay, and Noe...

We were away form home - totally germing up my parent's home, and had to cancel half of the plans we had made for our Christmas vacation. Plans with siblings, Aunts, dear friends.... canceled because of a very uninvited, and quite nasty, stomach flu.

There were some sweet nuggets of time when we were able to enjoy family and special activities, and I am thankful for that.

Now we are home - Dave is sick in bed, and I am getting all of our laundry done and various bags unpacked (by various I mean approximately 27.5 bags of random needed items for a family of six to go on vacation for 7 days).

I was fighting some discouragement this morning.

What a Christmas. I love Christmas, and Christmas 2010 was so not what I had in mind.


What a way to end 2010. 


Why this? 

Why now? 

Why the one of about 3 times per year that I get to see my family, was I out of commission?

But then I had to ask myself, Why not us? and, Why not now?

Were we ever promised health through the holidays? Nope.

Were we ever promised more protection than others who must face sickness? Nope.

It's just one of those side effects. Side effects of all the yuck in the world.

Do I wish things would have gone differently? Why yessss.

But I have no control over it. And (my new motto) It is what it is.

It is not what I wish it was.

It is not what I dream up.

It is not what I plan.

It just is what it is. Reality. 


2010 was a year where I truly felt that the big lesson God was leading me to and teaching me through was a lesson in trusting him as it pertained to our finances. And, through his grace, I feel like my mind is finally wrapping around that one.

Okay God, yes, I see now. We are not going to know where it will come from. Some times I will have to blindly trust you for each and every bill, grocery visit, need, but it will always be there. Always always, through surprises all your own and of your orchestrating, the money will just be there.Trusting you, trusting you, trusting you.

I have a feeling, because he has already started this uncomfortable process in  my heart, that 2011 is going to be a year where He really brings home this lesson in reality. Acceptance of the things I have no control over. The things that I am just going to have to say, over and over, it is what it is. And He is going to help me to put a smile on my face, and look up to Him, and say "no" to the self pity that entices.

So for a trip that started in anticipation and neared an end in a McDonald's parking lot, scrubbing at the upholstery in a car seat with baby wipes and paper towels, it seems appropriate to start embracing this lesson, don't you think?

And let me just put out a big, loving shout out to my mom and dad, who had compassionate servant's hearts in caring for me and my littles as the most unpleasant of circumstances invaded their home for the holidays. A daughter can't repay something like that. So, thank you.

What will forever be my favorite pre- Christmas gift...

He is a gift in so many ways.

Four years ago this morning, at 12:22 am, on 12-22-06 (I will always think that is pretty epic), Noe was born.

Peacefully, gently, sweetly.

That whole experience was such a gift.

My first experience with labor and delivery, when giving birth to JD and K, was defined by sharp fear.

The second time around, with Jay, it was surrounded by pain, panic, and discouragement.

Finally... this. Noe's birth will forever be colored in memories of relaxation and joy for me.

Remembering that day today.

Remembering the elation.

Thanking God deeply for the significant elements that this precious four year old (*gasp*) brings daily to our family!

I love him so much it hurts.

Those little feet are just killin' me! I remember that moment vividly. Four years??

Love you sweetness!! Happy Birthday! I am so glad it is finally today, because I know you have been waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for a l o n g time! ;)

Changing the world, one diaper at a time

Tonight I am thinking about what I do.
How sometimes it feels really small.
Like the days that I am on my knees scrubbing porcelain.
Or those times when I feel like my calling in life is to clean up... stuff. ;)

I have friends who have been called to the mission field over seas.
I am pretty much in awe of what they do daily.
I sometimes feel like a coward in comparison.

And then there are times that I get this little glimpse of what I am really called to do.
The behind the scenes, hard to see calling on my life.
This life that feels so small.
It is very small, but was created intentionally and with great precision and care.
And most importantly, has a power behind it that is very big.

Changing diapers,
cutting up chicken nuggets,
filling sippy cups...
...Or nurturing the next generation of godly men who will have an impact on their world?
Leaving a legacy of God's love.


Doing laundry,
planning menus (discovering what he likes to eat, and how to cook it best),
balancing the check book & paying the bills (trying to be the best steward I can be of the money he works so hard to earn for us)...
...Or investing lovingly in the life of a man so that the can be the best he can possibly be for what God has called him to do?
Being a gentle, respectful power behind some one who God is using considerably to show his love.


Spending 4 hours each week at a crisis pregnancy center, sometimes doing data entry, sometimes sorting baby supplies, sometimes giggling in the office, Sometines cleaning like mad,  and sometimes counseling women in crisis...
...Or saving lives?
Showing beautiful, hurting women that they are so worthy of a love greater than anything they have ever experienced.

Working in the nursery at church one Sunday each month,
cuddling babies,
reading books,
soothing tears...
... Or giving busy parents a distraction free morning to learn and grow deeper in their faith?


See, sometimes the daily grind of my life seems really, really small.
Insignificant even.
Same ol', same ol'.
Sometimes I spend 3 days in a row in sweat pants, caring for sick babies, and eating cookies (it's true).


And then God graciously shows me truth; that all of these tasks,
these mundane,
seemingly very commonplace,
non-overseas missionary callings on my life,
are very, very significant.
I wasn't an accident of creation.
I was created for a purpose
and the porcelain cleaning,
nose wiping,
menu creating,
diaper changing that I engage in...
it just may change the world. :)

Snapshots of a mid December Saturday at our house

Of course it started like this. ;)

And then we got really brave.

Cookies,

lots and lots of cookies.

And flour.

And stickiness.

Everywhere.

And then there were sprinkles.

Everywhere.

No really, there were sprinkles everywhere. I'm not even kidding.

I went into it knowing that it was going to be a big ordeal.

Knowing that it would take hours, and much clean up.

And true to that, I was tired at the end of this day.

We made over 5 dozen.

And other duties continued to demand my time and energy in amidst the cookie baking.

But I don't think they will forget the fun of flour, stickiness, and sprinkles everywhere any time soon. :)

Nor will I.

14

~Fourteen months~

He is everywhere at once.

He is on the stairs and climbing on the kitchen table

He is cuteness and cheeky grins

He is spilling cups that I was sure were way out of his reach

He is giggles that sound like music

He is little and spry and quick. Really "where-did-he-go-I-just-saw-him-right-here-one-second-ago" quick.

He is strangers taking a second look because of those big exspressive eyes

He is grunts, pointing,- and very few words

He is dancing to Christmas music - with jerky knee bending moves that make us laugh

He is games of peek-a-boo and cuddling with his favorite blankie from Aunt Amy

He is a thinker - always contemplating

He is in awe of "the big boys"

He is filling my days with work - cleaning the chaos he leaves behind

He is filling my heart with a joy that is uniquely him.

My Kai

At fourteen months.

The fine art of compromise

com.pro.mise [kom-pruh-mize] :
A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.


************************************************************************************

  So, alot of  reciprocal modification of demands going on over here.

You have way more responsibilities than you have ever had in our 9 years of marriage. Way more.

Who knew school work would be such an every day part of your life at age thirty (something)?

Night time kid duty has to be mine. You don't get up at 5am because you want to (ha! That would be the day, huh?) It is necessity; therefore, any interruptions to your sleep must be intercepted by me. 

In the past 2 weeks those interruptions have included: a three year old puking, a five year old scared (out of his ever lovin' mind) of a spider (it was, in fact, a shadow), a one year old requiring breathing treatments every 2 hours for a few nights, and a 2 hour screaming-for-no-apparent reason session with a one year old. I took those duties, and they drained me.

You, however, were on duty in the early am. While I was still in our warm bed. Out to work so that you could provide for all of us. Studying for hours for a course that you strongly dislike (to put it nicely). Only a few more weeks of this course, and then on to the next one - which is sure to be more to your liking. You drop into bed at night, knowing a new definition of exhaustion.

{Compromise}

You make sure there is food on our table, wood in our wood furnace, to heat our home, guidance in our hearts, and leadership in our family.

I really don't envy your job.

I get everyone around in the mornings and out the door by 8:15 to get the two older boys to school. You usually pick them up in the afternoons. This past week I woke up the two younger ones from the afternoon nap and ventured out on slippery snow covered roads so that I could pick the boys up and you could get some extra study hours in.

{Compromise}

You took over duties here at home, including breathing treatments and consoling a very sick baby boy, in your overly tired state, so that I could get out to my Mom2mom Christmas party at the Olive Garden.

You were on call at work this weekend. Big Cold Crazy snowstorm weekend. Shoveling snow for an entire university campus any one? Not your first choice. But you did it. While finishing up a paper. And running in to church to complete some ministry commitments.

And I took over home and kid duties. For two long days. On very little sleep. And the power went off because of said Big Cold Crazy snowstorm. And power stayed off for eight hours.

And I wanted to cry. And little bad attitude, self pitying thoughts began to spider web through my mind. The desire to compare was strong. Who deserves more accolades? Who is more tired? Who is working the hardest?  

And I knew I could not go there. That is not what this is about. This is about sustaining one another. Loving one another through a very demanding time in our lives. It's about... compromise. Supporting, adjusting, encouraging, loving. Not comparing, but building up.

Pretty sure we stood in front of all of our family and friends almost 10 years ago and promised that we would do those things.

So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. And I know you were doing the same.

Praying -to be sustained in this season of life. Where we are each giving more and resting less. It's not forever. And, as we talked about Thursday night (during a glorious few hours of together with out responsibilities time) we know, really really know, that there is a higher purpose to all of this. We don't know specifics, but yeah, God guided us here and will not be leaving us here.

Love you so much. Love that you are patient with me when I feel like I am simply at the end of being able to give any more. Love that I am seeing a tenacious perseverance in you that demands my attention and respect.

We can do this. We can do this. We can do this.  :) You amaze me.

Photo shoot - Alyssa (& Shane)

We like to extend our family to include college kids. And maybe that is how I am going to have a few girls. :)

One of Dave's very favorite aspects of his job is the interaction he gets with students. It makes his job worth doing! His current student employee, Shane, is engaged to a wonderful girl, and we love them both to pieces!

I recently had the privilege of shooting a few photos of Alyssa, for a school project she was doing, and then took some of Shane and Alyssa together.

Really, really beautiful girl!

I know, right? She's that pretty on the inside too.

Dave is going to be in Shane and Alyssa's wedding next summer.

We are very excited! Although, I must say, we will really miss them when they head west.

Can't wait to see all of the great things God has in store for these two!!

Reflections

I never saw your reflection in a Christmas ball, and for some reason today that made me so sad.

There have been alot of things in the past 7 years that have made me pause, close my eyes tight and wish you were here. With me. Experiencing our silly insignificant traditions and special times. Me, your brothers, your daddy.

We miss you.

I have gone months with only momentary, and pleasant, thoughts of you. But today I held Kai up to show him a pretty silver Christmas ball and he was in awe of the small, and slightly distorted, reflection that he saw there. His chubby little hand grabbed for it and his eyes were so big.

"I never got to do this with you" - it was all I could think about and it took my breath away.

Why this? {really, -a reflection in a Christmas ball?!} Why now?

- I've stopped asking those things a long time ago, because there is no "expected" and "planned" of grief.

I've learned to take it as it comes.

So I sat Mr. Kai down and I let it come. I lowered myself to the floor beside him and I cried for you. Kai crawled all over me and giggled and pulled my hair.

It seems kind of silly to me now.

I can't believe it has been 8 years. Amazing. Eight years since you were alive and kicking up a storm inside of me.

Part of me feels panicked by the way that each year has separated me further and further from you. I want to grasp at memories and slow down the clock, but I know that facing the truth is something that continually teaches me where to place my security, what really matters, and to treasure each day with your brothers.


The truth is hard for me. Because the truth is that my memories are becoming a little bit more dim.

 I am getting older.

You are not here.

Some days you seem like a dream. It hurts to even type that, because you were, you are, my son. So very real. Soft, little, and so miraculous. 

Yet, what I have left of you seems kind of like that distorted reflection in the Christmas ball. Faint and  illusive. 


My heart knows all of the wonderful facts. Like how beautiful your world is. So beyond anything my imagination could conjure up.

But today I just miss you. I really, really miss you.

-Mommy

My very own, personal, holiday interior decorator!

Last Wednesday I had an appointment and was gone for about 2 hours. I had no idea that I would be coming home to my house decked out for Christmas! This year we put our tree outside, on our deck. We only put lights on it, because if my ornaments would have survived the weather, they surely would not have survived the cats. Therefore, I had a bin full of decorations that were not being used.

Well my Jay was determined that they would, indeed, be used! It was so much fun over the next few days to be surprised by finding an ornament here, a little drummer boy there, and Christmas decor in the most unexpected of places.

-The back of my folded up ironing board,

hanging from a window lock,

a door knob, kitchen cupboards,

a dresser drawer handle.

When you are 5 you can come up with some super creative ideas!

 He was Oh-so-proud f himself.

I think my mother in law put it best when she walked into our extravagantly garland draped living room; "It may not be what we would have done, but I think it is very nice!"

Good job my Jay, good job. May you always be so creatively jovial this time of year!!! :)

Beyond the manger

So much flurry around (in a figurative and literal sense).

I feel like an hour after the leftover turkey and trimmings were put into the refrigerator we were thrust into the "Christmas" season.

Four days after Thanksgiving was our kindergarten Christmas program. Christmas parties and events are soon to ensue. And I love them. I really, really do. I have always loved the festive atmosphere of Christmas time.

But this year... I don't know. My heart is burdened.

There were years,during my childhood, when I didn't understand why we always went away to a cabin at Christmas time. Just our family, away from the hustle and bustle of Christmas. Some of my favorite memories were during those simple family vacations, but I have to say, as I got older, there were times I missed  having the Christmas that my friends talked about.

And I just didn't get it. What were my parents doing? Why were we so different?

I think I get it now.

There's this tug at my heart. I want my boys to see past everything that is in their faces right now.


Dear K, Jay, Noe, and Kai,

How can I counteract the culture that is telling you this is the time that you can ask for {and get} everything your little hearts ever desired? Yes, we will present you with small gift. It is fun to look forward to something and to watch your faces light up with joy. It is good to teach you about giving as well as the joy of receiving.

But this season, this busy, crazy season, has become so meaningful to your mama. It isn't just because "it is more blessed to give than receive" and it isn't just because "it is the season of giving" and it is so much more than "about baby Jesus". 


I know you are all very young right now, but I pray, oh how I pray, that you will even go beyond those cliches of giving, however good they may be.


It is more than that.

Yes, we must desire to give. Yes, it is all about Jesus. But it is so beyond baby Jesus in a little manger.

It is about God becoming a man. Really try to feel that. God - who created everything, everything, entering our humanness. It's about crushing pain and feeling things so far below God status.


Oh please, please get this. 


There is an untidy side of Christmas. Get it.



His Life … Our Sins
Who is it we are
And how can it be?
He became a mere man
Next of kin, to redeem

What is this season
If not glitter and gold?
The dance of indulgence
Keeping up, getting more

Stop and be still
For a moment face silence
Enough is enough
Apathetic self-biased

Is it all sweet and pretty
Tied neat in a bow?
Sugar coating so thick
We can’t find the core

Enter the significance
Reach out, feel the ache
Shocking, cold humanity
Dreadful, dark, seeping pain,

Can you look at the ugly?
Search out the true reasons
Far surpassing the pageantry
That colors our season

A contradiction at birth
Creator resembling created
Pure, sinless, supreme
Tasting all that is tainted

Soon shrouded in sins
Of the most dreadful selection
Wrapping His innocence
In our own grave repulsion

Open wide your hands
Drop your fists full of greed
Look deep in your heart
Fall to your knees

Draped in perfection
Gone is your blame
He took it from you
Must you still grasp at stains?

This was his plan
His life for your sins
Born to complete
The most unbalanced exchange
Wendi - November, 2010