Worry (equals) my life (minus) God

This month I have been faced with several opportunities to exercise faith and face some fears and insecurities head on. Don't you just love those "opportunities"? Yeah, me neither.

Income changes.

The possibility of some of K's unique medical needs no longer being covered as they always have been.

A few more levels of "letting go" of my boys as they continue to grow in their independence.

A busier schedule, more time apart as a family.


Change in general just gets me. The unknown has always been a greater foe to me than the end result, even when the end result is not a positive scenario.

How my heart longs for peace in the midst of this tumultuous world that we live in; in the midst of these tumultuous emotions of my carnal flesh!

And oh how God is speaking so directly to that flesh and to my heart!

I am leading a study/discussion of this book for our church's mom's group. It is an incredible book and has already convicted the socks off of me.

One particular sentence keeps coming back to me, over and over.


"Regardless of the stress of our circumstances, this one thing is still true: worry looks at life without God in mind"


Wow. I mean - really, wow! It's one of those things that you kind of know in the back of your head. Worry is not an emotion that comes from a heart full of faith. In fact, let's just say it like it is: worry is not of God at all. Not one bit. But to see it on the page in black and white was like a {needed} slap in the face.

When I saturate myself in worry I am actually looking at my world as if God is not a part of it.

Sitting down to do the finances and feeling the tension rising: looking at my check book {actually Excel sheet, but y'know, same difference} as if God is not there.

Worrying about all the "new" my kids are facing and the fact that I am no longer with them every hour of each day:  looking at my children as if God is not with them each and every hour of each and every day.


Contemplating the changes our family will encounter as Dave starts school and our time together becomes very cramped: Looking at my marriage and family as if God did not ordain it, begin in, and will not nurture it in every way.


Stressing out over hours on the phone with insurance companies: Looking at the needs facing us as we care for K as if God doesn't know, isn't there, and didn't give us this miraculous task in the first place. {He did, oh he did! And if I could only remember that!!}


Worrying over what new things we will need to do/learn/acclimate to as we consider news of K's recent hearing loss: Looking at his health and his senses as if God did not loving create each one and is not actively involved and aware of the issues our K faces.


God is here, alive and well, and working in every situation of my life. For me to look at my life as if God isn't there is utterly disrespectful and fully unfaithful to the very one who created me for so much better.

I am encouraged and strengthened by His sweet whisperings to my soul and his powerful words. I will say, as young David said to the ever so feared giant, Goliath, "You come to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you in to my hand... that all the earth will know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly will know that the Lord saves, not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hand." 1 Samuel 17:45-47


If that isn't looking at the world {fears, unknowns, life situations that can be scary and intense} with a God sized view then I don't know what is. How awesome! When those fears and worries start creeping up on me I am going to stand firm in the knowledge that God's presence in my life changes everything. It just changes everything.

The battle is the Lords.

So thankful!

Wordless Wednesday - the dreamy eyes

Taken by Dave on our way-too-over-due date last Saturday night.

The dreamy eyes are for him.

We danced, we held hands, we laughed (alot).

Have I mentioned lately how much I love him?

Thoughts are swirlin' - welcome to my head.

Today is my favorite man's birthday. He is working. He so rarely works on Saturdays that I am sad for him that he has to work on this Saturday. He has a pretty good attitude about it. God knows right now that overtime is a good thing for us. We are thankful.

We are still reeling a bit from some financial changes that have taken place in the last month for us. I take care of our household finances. My head was spinning a bit when I tried to sit down and "make it all work" (ever been there??). And then God made my head spin as it pertains to His {always} faithfulness. Unexpected, need meeting, humbling, over the top faithfulness. Part of that includes a Saturday of overtime.

Tonight we get a date night. We are going to a wedding together. Dressing up + hanging out + being surrounded by romance + dancing + just us for a few hours {Good, good things}.

On Thursday I took K to a hearing specialist. After he had surgery to place ear tubes last month, he had some hearing test results that were less than acceptable. We found out Thursday afternoon that he has moderate to severe hearing loss in his left ear. He will very likely be getting fitted for a hearing aid in early November. Sometime I will have to organize and write out my thoughts on that. I am so thankful for all that can be done for our precious boy, but can I just tell you that my emotions ran such a wide range Thursday afternoon after we did all of the testing and talked over the results? Of the countless issues this young child has had to deal with in his lifetime, his hearing has always been 100% {perfect}. Now it appears that his last ear infection ruptured the ear drum and did irreversible damage to his hearing.

And God is faithful. Always.

Me and the boys played with home made playdough this morning. And then we made "slime", out of corn starch and water. Two ingredients that proved to give us so many laughs and fun times. Now there is corn starchy residue in places all over my house that I didn't even know were touched this morning. Good.times. I am about to get to cleaning like a crazy lady. After I lay a couple of boys down for a nap and do some fun home work assignments with a couple more boys.

Last Wednesday I met a really special lady {Rachel}and little man {Josiah}, who I had only previously known from her blog; In His Hands. It was amazing to finally meet, in real life, some one I have prayed for and felt such a sweet connection with for a couple of years. Our day together was fabulous! Now that our locations are so much closer together, I hope there will be many more days like this to come.

Interestingly, I have yet to meet a Rachel that I don't like.

I had a pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks Thursday morning and have not been able to get it out of my head since then. I pretty much want one every day, but... you know, the whole finances thing? -Yeah, not cool. Today a facebook friend posted this DIY pumpkin spice latte recipe. Can't wait to try it!

Time is short, corn starch on my floors + furniture + kidos is aplenty, I must go.

I can see the fingerprints of God when I look at him

K~

Adjusting to first grade

Still obsessed with "his necklace"

Not so easy to get out of bed in the morning

Complaining over his "long days" of school (M, W, F) - and already adjusting his attitude accordingly on long vs. short days

Spelling well

Charming much

Continuing to love being home more than anywhere else

Giggling over being teased (especially by daddy)

Teaching me tremendously

Helping me to s l o w down

Showing me silver linings

Smiling delightfully

{Frantically} protecting his three treasured computers

{Greatly} appreciating music

Running faster in a walker than I can some times run with out one

Displaying God's beauty

If you saw us in the store you would probably stop us and cuddle his toes too

When God created you he did some really neat work.

What a dynamic little package of strong willed-pure sweetness. And that about sums you up. Do you have opinions? Most definitely! Could you be much sweeter? I could hardly imagine it.

So young, and yet bursting with personality!

Today you and I had some one on one time doing our grocery shopping. I lost count of how many people stopped us to look at you, touch your little feet (bare toes apparently just beg to be cuddled - and I haven't been able to keep socks on you since you were a very tiny newborn - you have sock kicking skills), tell me how handsome you were, and a few even informed me that you were very smart.

Your mama just beamed and agreed. Why thank you, I do think you may be right.

We had a really good time.

I don't ever, ever want to forget you at 11 months.

Your hair is so feathery soft. And you let me pet it and breathe it in and rub my cheek against it whenever I want to. That makes my day. I think you know that.

Your crawl is lightening fast.

You are in to e.ver.y.thing.

Your laugh makes us laugh - all the time! It is so high pitched and hilarious.

You say "ball" and "mama".

You sign "ball", "No", "More", "Please", and "milk". Jay is learning about signing in kindergarten, so he loves to come home and teach you what he learns. The funny thing is that the sign for "milk" tends to look alot like the way many people wave "hello" and "bye-bye". Hand goes open and closed, open and closed. So, now when people wave at you - you think they are going to nurse you. Um... no.

I have convinced you that nursing is still good, but you have cut way back. - Cut back during the day anyway. We don't have to tell everyone in blogworld about the nights.

You still think you are way bigger/older than you really are.

You think shaking your head no is the funniest thing in the world.

Food is so very exciting to you - and yet you are such a skinny little thang! -You even crawled right out of your jeans yesterday because I had gotten out the 12 month ones. Back into 9 month size for now.

Forever and ever - you are my sweetness. The completeness you bring to our family is so special and comforting. Life with out you in it seems like such a distant and vague memory.

I suddenly have an undeniable urge to sip some apple cider and carve a pumpkin

Fall time in Michigan - ♥ Love ♥

A little bedroom talk

I am learning, through the busyness of life with several little boys constantly running circles around us, the importance of making sure that there is a space that is for just us.

So, ladies (married ones that is... sorry if everyone else feels left out), how are you cultivating your relationship with the man who works so hard for you? The one who has loved you through every struggle you never expected and all that is better than good?

When we remodeled our bedroom last year I was thrilled over new, fresh, and warm paint colors. The restructuring of our room, which provided space for a walk in closet and corner jacuzzi tub made my heart all a flutter.

I knew it would be a wonderful change from the old, drab, plaster falling off look it used to have. - Besides that, I was determined that I would do better at keeping it tidy. I had allowed our room to be a catch all for the things I didn't know what to do with. It was rather unkempt, and was one of the least attractive rooms in the house.

What I didn't realize was the extent of the positive impact it would really have on us as a couple.

I remember when the final nail was secured and the last coat of paint was dried, we finally moved back into our room. We lay in our bed and looked around. We took it all in - from the new ceiling fan, gently rustling the crisp curtain behind us, to the lovely bronze waterfall faucet on our tub.

We grinned like silly children. "It's so clean. And peaceful", he said.

It was.

It became the place that the rest of the world could fade away for awhile.

And we found out time and time again that

...it was hard to stay made at each other in the peace of that room,

...when the rest of the house felt chaotic, our space being orderly and tranquil would give us just the rest and encouragement we needed,

...having a constant, familiar, sweet place for us has built us up and helped us to be able to face the big responsibilities that have been given to us.

I had heard it said before that clutter and lack of care to your bedroom can be a detriment  to your marriage. I don't think I took that very seriously. Obviously these are just outward things, and working on your marriage goes much deeper than a clean room. That is an obvious fact - but that being said, it truly does amaze me that these little intentional details can, indeed, make an important difference!

Of course all of our budgets do not allow for a complete bedroom overhaul (we had some blessed help and are incredibly thankful!) - but that is not the point. The point is this: putting in time and effort to make that space special. Caring. Investing.

Scented candles.

Keeping things clean, welcoming, pleasant.

Paying attention to things like lighting and eliminating clutter.

Soft music.

Making your bed every morning so that when you enter that space, exhausted and perhaps overwhelmed from a long day, you can just collapse into the softness of your bed.

Together.


Alone.


Do not neglect the investment of loving one another in the details.

When we shut that door each night we remember that before those precious boys came into our world (wish I could figure out how that happened) there was us. Us needs to be a priority before them. - Yes, some may disagree with me or perceive me as a poor mother for making such a statement. For real though - with out "us", where does that leave "them"?

Make it special ladies. Invest.

This is us:

Last weekend my parents were here. I have been getting to see alot of them this year - and that is good.

Our time together was good.

Like my mom in a bounce house and feeding a giraffe good.

Like sitting on the floor talking about life good.

Like my dad bonding with my husband over a dead pig good (long story about a church picnic, a campout, and a very handsome "professional pig roaster").

And in some ways it was eye opening and strange.

Like realizing how much I revert into baby-girl-wanting-mom-and-dad's-approval when my parents are at my house. Still.

I am the baby - and yet I am almost 30.

Defensiveness when our conversation revealed those personal spiritual differences.

Cringing every time one of the boys acted in disobedience and natural selfishness. (There may have been alot of cringing).

I know I am loved deeply by my family. Accepted even, no matter what. But perhaps I will forever be the baby girl wanting that validation...


Winds of change are blowing strong over at our house.

These changes both terrify and exhilarate me.

Change and I ...have always been rather leery of each other.

And here it is. Two in school- and with that, some of what has defined me for the past 7 years shifts.

Mommy. Consumed with needs. Dependant little ones all day every day. Diapers, and feeding, and wiping, and shoe tying. Just to do it all over again. Constant. In the midst of it, I couldn't see around it.

And suddenly around it is here. Right here, right now.

Friday morning, 1:00 pm: Kai and Noe go down for a nap at the same time (not an every day occurrence), K and Jay still at school. I descended the stairs to silence. You could almost hear this whooshing turning to a grinding slower and slower and then BOOM - a stop.
"Hmmm, I wonder what task I should complete first." What?! What was that?

I could hear myself think. For real. For the first time in eons.

It was so quiet and something felt strange. Off track.

Do I start into the Hallelujah Chorus and do a ridiculous dance (they would all be ridiculous to me cause I have no moves...)? Do I begin feverishly cleaning? Or do I just collapse on the floor and weep?

No one will ever know exactly what actually happened on that Friday afternoon - but it may have involved some form of each of those things.

So much different and new. Each member of our family is being stretched and challenged. Our fluidity is being tested - how easily can we adapt, with our sanity, thankfulness, and patience still intact?

Mommy and daddy figuring out glimpses of time for them. Time to remember, and smile, and relax, and maybe even flirt a little bit.


All day school is big when you are five.

Big like not always having mommy there to show you where to go - and perhaps shedding a few tears.

Big like new people, new experiences.

Missing brothers (and the sweetest hugs when reunited).

A new schedule that is so much more fast paced than you are used to.

Ups and downs - so much higher up and lower down. So much closer together.

The new and unknown and fatigue manifesting into fits that can last upwards of an hour - over things that aren't really what they are about.

Still working out the twists and turns in our schedule for next month, when daddy begins school for his bachelors degree in Management and Organizational Development. School until 10 on Monday nights + waking at 4:45 on Tuesday mornings may = some rough days. But we are doing this - and I am behind him 100% supporting him in this endeavor and being his biggest cheer leader.

In the midst of all the new, all of what is changing in my life, who I am, what I do; a little one decides he may be done nursing. Can we just do one change at a time? Please? No? Okay, okay, I can do this.

Embrace the change, embrace the change.

Tired.

New.

Steadfast.

Learning.

We are loving stronger, noticing more, hugging longer, and holding fervently to God and his Word.

This is us, mid September 2010.

Baby A

Two things bring him to my mind more prevalently than usual; the beginning of another school year, and the organization of my file cabinet.

The excitement and busy chaos of another school year, and getting two ready in the morning, makes me think of the one I am not preparing for school. 

I guess it is human nature to think of what we don't have, huh? 

Yesterday I began the long and arduous task of cleaning out, shredding, and organizing documents in our filing cabinet. Yeah, try not to be too jealous...

There were many files overflowing with papers, stuffed and bulging to the point that they hardly fit into the cabinet anymore.

Then there was the one file - very thin, too thin. It sits toward the back of my file cabinet in the top. It says "Joshua" on the tab. Bills, receipts, and Insurance benefit explanations are in there.

Then there are the funeral home papers, the death certificate, and head stone documents...

And this: The brief summary of his life, too brief. But it's all I have of him. 

Maternal weight gain: 10 lbs


Multiple birth


Premature labor


Complications: twin gestation


Heart rate: 125 bpm


Weight: 769 grams


Length: 34.5 cms


Skin: pink - with CPAP assistance


Eyes: Eyelids fused



Admitting impressions: Extreme prematurity, Sepsis, Respiratory distress


Mother transferred for twin pregnancy, cervical shortening, and preterm labor. This is her first pregnancy. Cervical dilation noted. Tonight she had progressive signs of labor with decent of baby A.


Delivery was accomplished from vertex position (baby A), and breech position converted to cephalic position (baby B).


Both infants had spontaneous cry, responded well to few initial breaths. They were shown to the parents and taken to the NICU for further stabilization.


Baby A required intubation at approximately 4 hours. On day of life 8 he had an acute decompensation with progressively worsening respiratory failure, necessitating placement of a high frequency ventilator. He was maintained on high frequency ventilation until the day of his death.


Baby demonstrated shock and hypotension on day of life 8. LP was unable to be obtained due to the grave clinical condition of the baby.


Medication was given to treat sepsis and NEC, however some had to be held due to acute renal failure.


This infant had intractable shock and hypotension which grew progressively worse over the last 3 day of his life. Despite maximum and heroic efforts, including high frequency ventilation, pressor support, massive volume resuscitation, broad spectrum antibiotic coverage, and surgical drain placement, the baby's condition continued to deteriorate. A stress dose of hydrocortisone was administered in an attempt to raise blood pressure on day of life number 10. Because of the profound NEC and hypotension related to E-coli further medical treatment was deemed futile.


After a long ongoing discussion with the family, Baby was extubated into the loving arms of his mother and father.


Time of death was 2100 hours on 1-12-03.


Cause of death was E-coli, sepsis, secondary to necrotizing enterocolitis due to extreme prematurity.

A discharge summary they call it.

But truly - it is a summary documenting 10 days in my life that began cautiously joy filled, but ended so, so dark and full of a kind of anguish that I didn't know existed.

So, I sit by this cold gray stone. It can bring both comfort and the most surreal of feelings. Seeing your child's name etched in stone. Strange. Tracing your very own last name written there. Gazing at the few days represented in that dash between the numbers...

Do I want him to be heading off to school with these two excited brothers? Honestly, no. He doesn't have to go through this rat race of earthly life. He gets to skip school.

Yay for him.

Sometimes though, sad for me.

I want to buy him pencils. Lots of pencils. I want to call him on my cell phone while I am at the store and ask whether he wants the Toy Story lunch box or the Cars one. I want to lovingly pack his lunch with special things that he doesn't normally get at home. Like juice boxes and little cartons of pudding. I want to pray over him in the early AM as he gets ready to head off into a part of his life that doesn't involve my constant watching. I want to breathe in the scent of his blanket when I miss him during the day. I want to run out to Dave's truck when he pulls in the driveway with the boys in the afternoon, feeling the lift in my heart at seeing them all after a long day. I want to see his grin and hear his giggle as his words pour out in a stream of excited words of new things learned.

When I miss him achingly I remind myself that this would all be such drudgery for him. What are pencils and pudding compared to heaven?

Nothing. They are nothing.

It still doesn't go away.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm adjusting....

We had a great summer together.

They are ready for structure.

I am really ready for structure. 


They are in an amazing school that we have been very happy with.

The educators that God is using to help teach our kids are really wonderful.

We are blessed.


BUT it doesn't mean I didn't gulp really hard and take several deep breaths this morning as I walked out of the kindergarten class.

I'm excited.

They are very excited.

New lunchboxes with special treats, pencil boxes, show and tell... good stuff.

I'm blessed.

But, you know... I'm a mommy who just dropped off a kindergartner.

I swear that his whole life - from screaming baby, to strong willed fits leaving us speechless, to asking Jesus into his heart, to inquisitive 5 year old flashed in front of my eyes during the 15 minute drive to school.

I fought it and tried to think of anything else that I could conjure up.

But this is just how it is.


I am a mommy who just dropped off a kindergartner. 

Excuse me while I go breathe in the scent of his dear blanket.

On Septmeber 2nd, 2000, I learned that macaroni plus cheese equals diamonds

Ten years ago today.

SHE was 19. Lived with her parents. Worked at, what I am sure was, the worlds smallest Wal-mart. Had been home schooled from K-12th grade. Had never had a serious dating relationship.

HE was three weeks shy of his 28th birthday. Had traveled the US. Was an over the road truck driver. Was not new to relationships.

THEY had only been dating for 6 weeks.

SHE thought they were "just looking" at rings.

HE had eaten only macaroni and cheese for a few weeks so that he could save up every penny to buy HER a diamond ring.

SHE saw the one she wanted, but pointed out a different one to him - a much cheaper one.

HE saw the way she looked at the one SHE really wanted and said he was going to buy it.

SHE thought he would save it for a later date.

HE led her over to a gazebo across the road from the jewelry store, got down on one knee, and asked if SHE would be his wife.


SHE answered him (affirmative) before HE was done asking.


The rest, as they say, is history.

And surprisingly, he still likes mac 'n cheese.