On my T-shirt: Yes I know what causes this, yes they are all boys, yes I am okay

Everywhere we go - there are stares.

I can honestly say that there was never a time that this wasn't a part of our lives as parents.

First we were the couple with the little baby hooked up to an oxygen tank that sat in the bottom of his stroller. The small baby with two wires emerging from the buttons on his soft outfits which led to a heart/apnea monitor that hung over the handle of the stroller. The baby with a narrow head and obvious bump where the shunt was placed. There were plenty of side glances, questioning looks, and out right stares.

There were a few comments too. Ranging from sweet to rude. Alot of "What happened to the baby?" and "What's wrong with him?" We quickly learned the most kind and concise ways we could answer the questions.

Then we were the couple with the small boy with braces on his ankles and glasses on his face... and the screaming infant. Not alot of comments at this time. We wouldn't be able to hear them anyway. I've said it before; Jay had colic. He was either nursing, sleeping, or screaming. So, at this time we mostly just got  "waitress, can you move us to the booth waaayy over there??"

About the time that we became the couple with two young boys and a baby belly the "Do you know what causes that?" comments began.


No, kind stranger, I do not! Maybe you could explain it to me and really help us out here!

And of course there have been countless assumptions, readily verbalized, that we were/are desperately hoping and trying for a girl.

*Smiles* "Oh, we love having a house full of boys!" But it's like they don't hear us.

I remember the time we went out to a restaurant for the first time after becoming the tired looking couple with the growing boy who walked with a walker, the two very active preschoolers, and the itty bitty newborn (man, after writing that out I'm thinking I would probably stare too...). An older lady approached me as I was just finishing up nursing and she said this "Oh, honey, I do hope that the baby is a girl!" I told her that the baby was not, in fact, a girl and indicated how very much in love with our four boys we were. It was obvious though that she had already made up her mind that I was a woman who should be pitied, so she continued on her little speech about how she had been sitting across form us hoping against hope, for my sake, that the baby was a girl and that I was not so outnumbered by boys.

"Oh, but really - I'm fine - I love i..."      "Honey, I am just sorry for you!"

So often now, so many looks, double takes, and often the "obligatory" statements.

"FOUR boys?? Four of them?? Really?"

No, there are really only two - the other two are just figments of your imagination.

"Oh, you keep trying for your girl don't you! It'll happen, it'll happen. Don't worry."

It will?! Oh, good. In fact, we were just about to go home and try for that girl right now!

"Wow, you guys are busy!"

Really? We are? Thank you so much for pointing that out! What earth-shattering news for our family. Huh, we are a busy family. Interesting.

So, for seriousness, why do people care so much? Do they really feel obligated to verbalize their observations? Why does any of this affect them in any way? Why do they care if they are all boys, if they are all ours, if they were all planned, if we are happy, busy, tired (all of the above thankyou).

Ranking right up there with the frequency of "When are you going to try for the girl" is the "You guys almost have your very own baseball team!"

Less oft said, but still heard more than once is the simple and direct "Are you okay?" - Implications vary.

Only heard once (therefore greatly treasured) was "What did you do for God - that he gave you these four beautiful boys?!" {From a Man, spoken to Dave} He went on to tell Dave that he had three girls, loved them all dearly, but had always dreamed of a son. He kept sneaking peaks at our table at the restaurant.


So, I have accepted it now. Wherever we go there will be stares. There will be some comments stating the obvious, and there will be some statements that are completely false. Some things may be asked that are not any ones business. And every now and then some one will say something really nice.

We've learned the smile and the go-to phrases that seem to meet the requirements of the on lookers. :)

I really need to get busy on making that T-shirt.

Who he was

I wasn’t particularly close to him in a social/emotional context, but on our family tree we were quite close.

My dad’s brother.

He was young, in his early 60’s.

He shared so many physical traits with my dad – and always reminded me of him in some ways.
 

I got the call Tuesday morning that he was gone. 

I started making lists of things to pack.

Change the oil in the van.

Transfer a few funds.

Rearrange our schedule, change appointments, clear the calendar for the next 5 days.

It just felt – final, If not immediately emotionally taxing.

I wondered about my dad.

I hadn’t spoken to him yet, and I just wanted him to be okay.

I thought about my aunt and my other uncle – the three siblings remaining of the four. What does it feel like? How do you process this?

 I tasked, and prepared, and packed, and mothered.

The 500+ mile trip back home took all of my thoughts and energy.

It wasn’t until the funeral that I had much time to think at all.

And then I had tears because I didn’t know.

I knew a man who reminded me of my dad.

A man who I saw only every few years.  

California and Iowa aren't exactly neighboring states. 

He was funny.

Teased me alot. 

And then, in the past several years, I just knew of unfortunate choices.

Disheartening consequences.

But when I heard their memories, spoken in front of the steely gray box cascading with lilies, I cried because he was so much more than what I knew.

He introduced them to Jesus when he was a young man, passionate and zealous to show his family the way.

He helped start a church. 

He reached out to the unlovely. 

He was human. 

He was kind. 

He was strong and feeble. 

He was sharp and nearly genius. 

He began the momentum on my parent's reconciliation after their divorce, before I was born.

Years and miles separated us and I didn't think he had a lot to do with me; who I was. 

It ends up he had everything to do with me.  My Jesus, My parents, My life. 


He is at peace. Whole and completely fulfilled right now.

Someday I will be too.

And part of the reason I will be ultimately eternally at peace is because of who he was.

The good, the mice, and the menu

The menu:

The not so good:

Attitudes from three of the boys that are suddenly hitting all at the same time. To clarify: negative attitudes. *Shudder* awful attitudes.

A mouthful of teeth trying to come in all at once for the littlest guy. Ouch and yawn. Feeling bad for him - but still (in my humanness...) oh so tired from the lack of sleep this causes us both.

Deep cleaning. It just isn't happening in this season of my life. And it is driving me a little bit crazy.

Sticking to a budget. Hard!

Kitchen cupboards that desperately need refinished, or painted, or... something!

Mice.

Yogurt carton left on a low table. Baby who is quicker than quick and into e.ver.y.thing. Sticky, blueberry everything.


The very good:

Feeling refreshed after a wonderful and restful weekend.

Feeling ready for my day and week after reinstating some good disciplines into my life that I really needed!

Friends who help sharpen me and remind me that I am not alone in my struggles.

Working on memorizing Psalm 119. I'm about 12 verses in. I'm not even thinking about the length of this chapter - just going line by line; totally do-able!

Planning/dreaming about a trip for our 10th wedding anniversary in March. Fun! Not sure if what we are dreaming up will actually happen or not (lots of little details... like we have 4 kids...) ;) but still - fun.

Looking very forward to time with my parents in two weeks - and so grateful that they are willing to travel  here so that we can spend some time together!

My camera.

Planning and preparing for fall. School for daddy and two boys, a new schedule; some big changes.

A husband who still calls me princess.

God's Word: Living, life giving, wisdom imparting, and so, so needed by me!

The maintenance cleaning: getting done!

Sticking to a budget. Taking cash only to go buy groceries. Good!!

Stocked fridge and cupboards.

A slight reprieve from the oppressive heat and humidity.

Four little boys who, despite the attitudes, truly make me smile - and help me to reach the potential of who I was meant to be.

A love story

Sometimes one thinks they have a pretty good idea of what love really is.

And then they realize that their definition will be continually evolving, deepening, and becoming more true with each passing day.

Random dozen...just for fun

Today - just for some (random) fun and maybe because I am mindlessly trying to put off the vacuuming. Maybe.
I am linking up with Linda for the "this-makes-me-so-stinkin'-hungry-for-donuts" Random dozen.





Now onto the (riveting) answers to her (equally riveting) questions.

1. What is your favorite fair/carnival food?

Ohhhh! What  amazing  timing!! I just went to the fair LAST NIGHT! Yes, I had three boys who were nearly bouncing off the walls yesterday in excitement for this yearly excursion. And of course one of our all time favorite reasons for attending? - The food. ;)

Now, this year we were very conservative in our fair feasting - only choosing one special treat. We each got a soft serve ice cream cone, and they were so good! They have this home made taste to them that is very unique and refreshing. But, as for my all time favorite? I would have to say the elephant ear. What's not to love about crispy, yet chewy, fried goodness sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar? What  is  not  to  love?? And named after the body part of a pachyderm? Genius!  

2. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Um, do we really have to go there? Because yes. Quite possibly a few "somethings". 

Because they are right in front of my eyes, the things I will mention here will be the flowers from my previous post. Yeah, not so pretty anymore, but still in a vase prominently in the center of my dining room table. Heads bowed in shame at the disgrace, petals tinged in brown. Probly should let go of them.

 3. What is your favorite gift to receive?

I am a gifts kind of a girl. They don't have to be big, fancy, or expensive at all, but it so speaks to me if someone has taken the time to know me enough to remember the little things I like and gift them to me. So, I can't really narrow it down to one "kind" of thing - except to say the "Wendi" kinds of things. Here's a for instance: For my birthday my mom sent this little package in the mail to me. I still remember the excitement of finding a package from my mom in the mail and tearing into it. The items inside were small but still mean the world to me, because they were so me! She knew that, and she cared enough to put the thought into purchasing and sending them: A small manicure set in a rockin' red leather case. Three tea light candles in classy little glass holders. Some miscellaneous items put together to put a huge smile on my face - because she knew. I think that is part of my great love for flowers. I just love pretty things. And Dave knows that. One time he brought me a York peppermint patty. One small, sweet, little goody - that meant so much because he knew - he remembered- that I ♥ them. :)

Wow. That answer was really too long.

4. When was the last time you tried something new?

Monday night. Amaretto coffee creamer. Really good!

5. What is your favorite and least favorite book genre?
Memoir, Mystery, Political Intrigue, Romance, Humor, Historical Fiction, Historical nonfiction, Chick Lit, Self-Help, Other

I really like Christian fiction (read: Karen Kingsbury) and Christian nonfiction (read: Nancy Demoss, Francis Chan, Beth Moore)

Not really into fantasy, or... like...witchcraft... ;)

6.Silver or Gold?

Mmmmm, there is a time and place for each one - and sometimes even *gasp* together. For me though, silver is my first choice.


7. What makes you sigh?

Dirt all over my floor. Right after I vacuumed. And then mopped.

Or walking into the house to find dirty dishes all over the table and in both sinks. *sigh*

I know that in the big picture of life, this really should not matter. With an eternal perspective - what's a little dirt on the floor?


It still makes me sigh.

8. If you didn't know how old you are, how old would you claim you are?

I'm torn between saying 25-ish. and 55-ish. I have old days and young days. :)

9. Would you break a law to save a loved one? To protect a loved one?

It depends on so much. -Like, a million "It depends on" questions just ran through my overactive mind. The short answer is yes.

10. If you had to teach something, what would it be?

Something creative and fun. Like Photoshop, or scrapbooking, or blog design. Or maybe bread baking, pie making, or ... mmmm, now I'm hungry.

This is not to say that I am an expert in any of these things (laughs). They are just fun, I enjoy them, and it is fun to teach them.

11. You're having lunch with 3 people whom you respect and admire. They begin to criticize a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. What do you do?

And... it has happened before. A time or two (or two hundred). This actually is quite effective: I begin saying all of the positive things I know about that person. It tends to turn the conversation around pretty quickly.

12. Which of the 5 Love Languages is your prominent means of experiencing love?
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Gifts
Words of Affirmation

It's like Linda is stalking my life. First the fair food question, and now this. Did I not just reference this in the flowers post? Indeed I did. The book "The Five Love Languages" By Garry Smally had a big impact on our marriage. Dave and I read it as part of our premarital counseling and it really helped us to know how to love one another in a way that speaks to each of us uniquely. 

So, as I mentioned last time, words for me are huge. Just huge. You don't even know. Positively and negatively - they have this strange, and some what unsettling, power over me.

With flowers (I'm guessing this translates into gifts...) coming in at a close second. ;)

And just like that - he's 10 months old

You have the most mischievous little sparkle in your now grey-blue eyes.

You melt me in the mornings when I lift you out of your pack -n- play and you circle your legs around my waist and your arms around my neck, grin, and giggle. Every  single  morning. Melts me.

You stand, and you sign "more" and "please", you play peek-a-boo, and you are starting to eat "real" food.

Really - big boy stuff.

And yet -you are the skinniest of all of my full term babies.

You are consistently inconsistent in your night time sleep. Sometimes 11 hours, sometimes 5.

You have four teeth - and a mouthful of teeth just under the surface.

You are still nursing pretty full time.

You just love being "One of the guys" - and in your mind you are at least as big as each one of them.

You are an observer - quickly taking in all of the events unfolding around you.

If you are this much fun at 10 months I can not even begin to imagine the entertaining good times to come.

We love you an awful lot baby Kai!

My primary love language is words, but "flowers" comes in at a close second

The cell phone,

and wallet,

and SD cards,

that I accidentally washed in the washing machine in the same 4 week time span...


The important document

that I forgot to immediately sign and send

causing a road trip and hand delivery...


The forgetfullness,

and trying to juggle it all,

and some days dropping balls all over the place,

and failing miserably...

Well, they have caused alot of frustrations lately.

But he knows I am my own very worst critic.


And he just keeps loving me,

and loving me,

and loving me.

I thought if I lived through colic I could live through anything...

He's five and the speed at which he is

learning,

     discovering,

              realizing,

                                ...is just phenomenal.

I can hardly keep up.

Some is so good and just leaves me speechless.

The kind of speechless that sees my efforts of mothering him (oh-so-feeble at times) being encompassed, enlightened, and lifted up by bigger hands. God takes my mediocre and somehow makes it work.

I was doing laundry on Tuesday night down in our dungeon of a basement (hey, it can't all be as pretty as the backyard...).  I heard a little boy come traipsing down the stairs (they don't really walk right now, they tend to stomp, run, or traipse) and hop up onto a little step stool that sits next to my washing machine. Once I knew which little it was that had traipsed into my underground laundry center I knew that questions would soon begin firing at me at the speed of light.

But of course, they do like to keep me guessing! This time many noisy questions was not the reason for his basement visit.

His voice was quiet and there was a certain mature tone that I couldn't ignore. This particular day had not been the best we had ever had in terms of Jay's attitude. He seemed overly tired and I felt like most of my interactions with him through out the day were repetitious and disciplinary. Those kinds of days are hard for me and pretty much exhausting for everyone.

"Mom?"

That mature tone gives me an emotion I can't quite identify. Nervous? New? Different? And therefore quite unknown and... scary?

"What's up buddy?"

"Well, I had an okay day. I had a good supper, so my tummy shouldn't feel yucky. But I'm not feeling good. I don't like the way I am feeling."

I asked him if something hurt and all of that motherly stuff. He said his body felt fine. But it was something else.

"I took that... that toy... away from Kai. And...

Well, I know I shouldn't have yelled at you. I KNOW that, but I did and I could try to do it again with out yelling at you, but I think I can't because I already did."

His eyes actually looked a little bit moist. All laundry duties ceased for the moment. Because my heart told me that this moment was pretty much bigger than dirty laundry.

"I don't want to feel this way mom. What is it, why do I feel so... bad? Can you make it go away?"

Wow. For real, wow.

At first I didn't say anything I just looked at him in all of his new-to-me maturity.

*Sigh* When did all of that baby chub in his face turn to slim angles? When did that seeking look in his eye turn to such a knowing look?

Okay. Deep breath.

Colic with him was hard when he was an infant. Like, am I going to live through this? Will I ever get sleep again? -Hard. But looking back I see that colic was nothing compared to some of the new stages we are going into. Certainly not as physically exhausting or sanity stealing, but the issues we will be dealing with as these precious guys grow up... let's just say they are so not colic.

"Remember when you asked Jesus to forgive your sins and live in your heart?"

"Mmm-hmm

"Well, he's talking to your heart right now Jay. He's talking right to you. Just for you. It feels yucky right now, but when you do what he is hoping you will do, you are going to feel so much better. So free.

No, you can not go back and re-do the bad behavior from today. You made Kai very sad when you were not kind to him. Mommy was pretty sad today too. You feel bad because that is not the way you really want to act buddy. You know you can do better. You can tell me and baby you are sorry, you can tell God you are sorry, you can remember how bad it feels to act that way, and do better next time. You can do this Jay, because Jesus lives in your heart."

"Okay."

"Jesus talks to mommy's heart ALOT. A L O T! Sometimes mommy does the right thing... sometimes she doesn't. But I really, really know that oh-so-icky feeling."

"Does your tummy hurt sometimes too -even when you've had a healthy supper??"

"Yep."

So now I add another thing to the many wonders of this world I have observed; conviction in the heart of a five year old.

That part is truly sweet to see.

Part of the heart break of his growing up is the realizations hitting him that his world is not the secure place he thought it was. To watch this dawn on him, and see his innocence slipping away has been really sad.

Suddenly the little boy who went to bed fairly well every night (other then the one million ways he could think of to stall - like all normal littles do at some time or another) is facing a fear at night that is very real and very difficult for him to overcome. I realized right away, when this began a few weeks back, that he was not simply stalling because he didn't want to go to bed. He is truly fearful.

He gets up several times at night trembling violently and crying quietly. "I'm scared mom, I'm scared, I'm so scared!"

As a mom I just want so badly to take the fear from him. So much. We have talked about our protection of him, Jesus' protection of him, practical things, like the fact that all of our doors are locked and that we are safe.

I can not believe how deeply his mind has gone into all of the scenarios of what could happen. Like what if bad guys come and they have saws and can get through the locked doors... and what if wasps and really bad bugs get in when we open the door and they go hide in his room...

Breaks my heart.

Partly because I know fear. I know it can be immobilizing. I know it has no place in a heart where Jesus dwells, yet my heart certainly has its share. And part of me worries that perhaps I did something to somehow impart my own fear to this precious person.

Man do I love this kid.

 I love him so much that I am challenged to conquer fears in my life and model what it looks like to trust and live freely.

Somewhere between age four and age five  some heavy and harsh realities have entered the world of my Jay. And I can't lie to him. I can't say, "No honey, none of those scenarios that your over active imagination has conjured up could ever happen here." Most of them - VERY unlikely to ever happen, but I can not tell him "No, never."

He has seen really bad things happen to really good people recently. He has been an active observer in some of life's more difficult moments. He takes in so much.

And really, darn those raccoons, the night he walked in and saw three raccoons inside of our porch is when it all started. It's like at that point he realized that things that are meant to be outside can get inside.

I am praying so much over this boy. Praying this fear that has a hold over him will leave. That he will see a quiet trust in our lives and develop it himself.

Oh colic, you really weren't so bad were you?

Busy life, dirt, and some photographs to sweeten the deal

My mind is spinning with the busyness of this summer - .... too much to organize into a post right now.

I'm truly starting to embrace this whole "boy mom" thing. This past weekend was filled with putting worms on hooks, taking fish off from hooks, dirt, camping, more dirt, bike rides, Lake Michigan, stress, love, dirt, a family reunion, sand, good food, not much sleep, and probably some more dirt. If you have boys you know that dirt and boys is a package deal.

So, while I go chase down some boys and sweep up the dirt that is settling behind them - I'll just leave you with some eye candy of pure sweetness (although some day the sweetness will automatically be mingled with dirt).

Yesterday I had the privilege of photographing my friend Kristin and her baby boy Caleb. He's pretty much too adorable for words - so here ya go:

He has my eyes

When they tell him to open his eyes wide and look at their light, his eyelids tightly refuse.

I notice that my eyes open wider and wider as they patronizingly petition him to please open his. I silently laugh that I am trying to do it for him.

I know it's hard.

Every instruction they give him, I notice my eyes obeying. As if somehow, in some way, it could make the process a little bit easier. As if my eyes were his and his eyes were mine.

Because I am his mom, and I just do it. And they did always say he has my eyes.

"Look at my nose"

"Look at the tv screen at the end of the room"

"Open up little buddy. Open"

He's no dummy. He knows if he opens wide a bright light will violate his vision.

I softly tell him it's going to be okay. The quicker he opens, the quicker we will be out of there.

So he does this little blinking thing and they rush at his hazel eyes, so much like my own, with their lights and magnifiers and clipboards.

Scrawling notes, talking to each other in jargon that I can't quite follow. He recoils and quickly closes them, and all of their equipment, out again.

They are nice enough. They are very knowledgeable. The best of the best in pediatric eye care. He needs them.

They talk about his risk for retina detachment. They mention the scars from the laser eye surgery he had 7 years ago. They tell me that without his glasses he will always be "grasping at walls to find his way". And then they tell me that the glasses prescription they have given him is as good as they can do. And they seem duly impressed that with his glasses on he can read almost all of the letters they project across the room.

One more year, one more eye exam, one more reason to be thankful, so thankful for all they have been able to do for our boy. His sight will never be perfect, but it is no stretch to say that all of the medical care that we were blessed with immediately after K's early birth saved his vision. God placed us in the right hands at the right time, and he can see.

Thank you Lord that my little boy can see.

Let's make it 9...

 *Update*  

Aaannndd we may as well make it 10... but I hope not.

Here's the deal: We are home and surgery went well. It was just a little bit more involved than we thought it would be. While working on K's left ear the doctor found gobs of infection (oohhh nice mental picture. For some reason the word "gobs" and "infection" together just make it that much more gross. Which is what I think of infection; gross, - so *perfect* word combo, huh?) AND a "skin cyst" in addition to all of the wax that they already knew was compounded in there. Poor baby! No wonder he had a hard time hearing in that ear. I don't understand all of the aspects of/reasons for the cyst - but it is apparently a small cyst caused by (and I quote) "bad genetics". Why thank you sir, those would be mine. I guess the many, many ear infections that K has had mixed with those "bad genes" has manifested into this cyst inside of his ear. The doctor was not very pleased with this finding. He was able to get the tube in despite the cyst and he is "keeping his fingers crossed" (Oh, now that gives me so much comfort dear sir. You just keep those fingers crossed!) that this will help alleviate the problems K has been having. If the problems persist, than in a few months another surgery will be needed.

We go back to assess the situation in 4 weeks.

The good news: K is doing fab.u.lous!! He was a little bit disoriented and in pain when he awoke from the anesthesia, but he perked right up after about 20 minutes. I can imagine that just having all of that fluid drained out from behind his ears and all of the wax cleaned out has really eased alot of pressure for him. Of course Tylenol with codeine may have something to do with how mellow and happy he is right now. -Whatever, I'll take it. I'm being very vigilant about pain control for him right now, because there was alot more poking and prodding than originally thought and the doctor let us know that the pain level could be higher due to that.

Thanks for your prayers - they mean more than you know!


-On my way out the door with K. And when I return I will change the caption under his picture in my right sidebar from "has had 8 surgeries" to "has had 9 surgeries". Today it is very minor, but we would still greatly appreciate prayer. He is having tubes placed in his ears (for the third time) to drain fluid that continually puts pressure behind his ears and doesn't drain properly. He is also going to get his left ear cleaned out as it seems to have accumulated alot of wax. He failed his hearing test on the left side and we are greatly hoping that this is the reason why. In two months he will get retested.

Today is not brain surgery. He has had three of those as well. So today I will enjoy the time I get to spend alone with him, I will pray while I wait, and I will thank God that today it is his ears, not his brain.

He's a brave, brave boy.

Oh - and guess who is standing? And who got haircut #2, which seemed to completely transform his looks - can't believe how much he looks like Noe now!!!

Love these guys...

Internet, meet my back yard

Green

Lush

Country

Thriving

Spacious

Tree-filled

Pleasant

Private

Colorful

Farmland

Sunkissed

Memories

Hills

Family

Valuable

Peaceful

Warm

Beautiful

Abundant

God-breathed

Blessed

Welcoming

Ours

So Blessed by this place I get to call home...