Last Wednesday a friend, who I have known for most of my life, experienced an indescribably heartbreak.
Her four month old son Gabriel died in his sleep.
Indescribable.
I know some of the pain that is now a part of her daily life. Not all, but I know the nature of this kind of pain.
As I have held her and her beautiful family up in love and prayers I have had much to process.
And I wished that there was not over 400 miles separating us. So much.
One of my first thoughts when I heard the tragic news was that I just wanted to be there.
I knew - in so much cruel clarity - that there was nothing I could do.
Nothing.
And really nothing I could say either. - But I just wanted to cry with her and look in her eyes and tell her how sorry I was.
And so we went.
And we cried.
A lot.
And I fell in love with my husband all over again.
And I never held my kids as tight as I did that night.
And I learned a new kind of pain -The helpless feeling of watching some one you love go through the most horrifying heartbreak.
But I felt God in an almost tangible way.
I saw a family who in the midst of their grief knew exactly where to go and who to cry out to.
I experienced things that this world can not even touch.
I watched something unfold that was bigger than me.
I felt a bond that I would've given anything not to share with her.
I don't want to have this bond.
Not with her.
But here it is.
We are in this together.
God is good all the time.
She's not always going to feel it.
I don't always feel it.
But we both know it.
Deep down inside where nothing can barge in and alter it
We know that HE IS GOOD.
And as we wait for the fullness of his good to come to pass -
We cry. We question. We hope.
Gabe was one of the most beautiful little boys I have ever seen. And I have seen my share of beautiful boys - let me tell you!
Gabe was loved so intensely in his four months.
So, so much. I see something amazing in the memories of Gabe that they have shared. And I think in retrospect they can see it too. - The Spirit whispering to them time and time again in a beautiful four month span of time: "Kiss him again" "Hold him close" "Don't put him down right now, you're going to want to remember this moment" "Take that picture" "Dance with him" "Cling to him" "Love him with out limits".
And so they did.
Praying friends - would you join me in lifting this family up? They need us. Now more than ever, they really need us.
On days when I grieve for sweet friends who must go down a path I know well and desperately want to protect them from
I have no words.
When babies die
I have no words.
When marriages fall apart
I have no words.
When it seems the world around me is crumbling
Words just fail me.
When I hold my youngest and tears fall - tears of immeasurable gratefulness, tears of deep sadness for the aching arms of so many mothers around me, tears of confusion, questions...
There are more tears than words.
When I am in the safety of arms that hold me, love, me protect me, and fight for me, tears fall - tears of unmatched thankfulness, tears of heartbreak for so many around me who are not protected and who long for true love, seeking it in all of it's artificial forms
I have no words.
And through everything it dawns on me that as safe and protected as I feel, no one is truly protected from the pain and suffering of this world.
In an instant anything could change for any one of us. And our hope must not be on those things that can change.
There is only one constant. Only one forever and lasting truth.
Everything secure and good and unchanging is wrapped up in Jesus Christ.
And as I work through all of that - I really have no more words.
I often find that my life imitates a juggling act. One week my house may be clean and I am doing constructive and educational activities with my boys... but alas, I have spent little if any time in The Word and have not paid much attention to eating healthy and exercising.
The next week I am on a roll with getting up early, and finally making the connections with Jesus that I desperately need. I call friends and send cards. Exercising at least three times in the week AND get a shower in before 9 am (big accomplishment here!). Feelin' pretty good about things.... until I see the state of my house. Dirty floors, dishes everywhere, and laundry that has surely begun reproducing.
It's a mad rush and desperate insanity. I pick one thing up only to drop two others.
And right now, today, this minute, I am closing my eyes to that which will not matter in eternity and turning my focus instead to what my soul is hungry for.
So, if you stop by today you will enter a house that would never be featured in "Spotless and Stylish" magazine (yes I did just make that up - but it's probably out there). There is the slight possibility that you may encounter a mommy who has yet to shower. Perhaps.
But you will find some one who knows they are exactly where they need to be and whose heart is at rest.
They could have done anything with their afternoons through out the school year.
College girls - with their futures ahead of them and countless opportunities around them.
But they chose to spend their time ministering to young women who desperately needed to see their beautiful smiles and become recipients of their welcoming kindness.
God knew right where they would be and the women whose lives they would touch.
These three beautiful young women may never know the impact they have made.
They may never see the results of some of the hours they have put in.
But God knows. And the women who they have met with, smiled at, educated, prayed with, and reached out to know.
Their kind hearts are a shining example of how to be Jesus to our community.
When they could have been doing something else,
they chose this,
now,
here.
Now life will take them on many different journeys, but I think they will agree with me when I say that some of their perspectives were forever changed because of the hours they spent giving their time, and their hearts to this ministry.
"Who knows but that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this..."
Seeing your hearts has certainly encouraged mine girls.Ministering along side of you at The Center For Women has been a pleasure. Your beauty goes so far beyond the surface.
He so nicely demonstrated, for my photographic pleasure, a bit of how we are all feeling right now.
One minute he was playing and kicking and rocking - the next he was just out.
If I could do that - believe me, I would.
For some reason, I have a feeling that it would not look this cute though.
One minute I would be doing the dishes, then Dave would walk in and find my little head laying on the dishwasher... fast asleep.
Would he want to snap pictures?
Pro'ly not.
And yes, he really does need a haircut now. And yes, I really am still resisting. Ridiculous? Maybe. Will not cutting his hair keep him a baby longer? Do you think I'm really that silly?
Don't answer that.
Please.
Soon. He will get a hair cut soon.
(Happy Birthday mom!!! We miss you like crazy over here.)
I started thinking about it when I was very young.
In fact, I can't really remember a time that I didn't dream of one day
being a mommy.
I played with my dolls when I was a little 4 year old.
Rocking my "babies" and pretending that they were real.
I started to babysit when I was a young 11.
I figured it was pretty much what motherhood would be like one day.
Wow did I have alot to learn.
Playing with dolls is a fun little fancy for a small girl.
Babysitting provides a small glimpse into the responsibility of parenting.
But nothing...
Nothing
could have prepared me for the real thing.
Nobody told me that being a mom would show me all of the best and worst things about myself.
Nobody could have prepared me for the joy,
the guilt,
the awe,
the sleep deprivation,
the love,
the days when I wanted to quit,
the nights when I would've given anything near and dear to me for three or four consecutive hours of sleep,
the heartbreak,
the excitement...
...and how insanely celebratory I would be over a three year old wearing undies all day and all night (perhaps it is not so much the wearing as the keeping them dry - but oh so celebratory).
Previous to this mommy-ing I thought I knew good.
I thought I had a pretty decent idea of the best that life had to offer.
But I did not.
Not until now.
Not until them.
Not until this.
Motherhood.
This is bigger than me.
It is more difficult than anything I have ever done in my life.
It takes strength I don't posses.
It holds rewards I don't deserve.
It's no wonder it was designed, created, and given by God Himself.
"Just can't wait any longer mom. I can't. I made this and I know you will love it and I have to give it to you now. My teacher said I could give it to you NOW or Sunday - because I know Sunday is Mom's day, a day just for moms. Why is mom's day always on a Sunday? I wish it was today. Why isn't there a kid's day mom? Is Sunday JUST for you? Yeah, she said I could give it to you NOW or Sunday - mom's day - but I really, really, really, really, want to give it to you now because I can't wait. Waiting is hard mom. Can you not wait? Because Sunday is YOUR day. I bet you can't wait. Here (shoves small gift into my hand) open this!!"
So, I opened it and he was right, I loved it.
I could just imagine his little hands working on the details.
And this is just the sort of thing a mom like me holds on to and cherishes...
"See mom, see - this button is kinda gray. Do you like gray? This one is pretty because it has brown AND white. Two colors mom - see? You like stuff like this because you are a girl and you like pretty things, huh? Can you put it on? I stuck this sharp part on the back right here so that you could wear it! But I had to be careful 'cause I'm 5 and I usually can't touch sharp things. But my teacher helped me and this was a special time. Do you love it mom?"
I ooh'ed and ahh'ed over it and put it on and we took lots of pictures and he smiled and I smiled and we talked about dandelions and squirrels.
Enjoying some amazingly beautiful spring days here. Really, really take-a-deep-breath-outside-and-feel-like-you-could-burst-into-song beautiful. It's going to get cold this weekend, so we are just soaking all this beauty in as much as we can now!
Just finished my third blog design. I did this one for my friend Kristy and think it turned out really fun! You can check it out here.
Last Thursday I started an in depth study of Ruth. On Sunday our pastor started preaching on Ruth. Today my sister and I talked on the phone and she began telling me all she was learning in her study of... Ruth. Thinking God might be trying to tell me something... from the book of Ruth.
Realized as I began to dig deeply into God's word how hungry I was for it and how soul neglectful I have been lately.
Enjoyed our first family date at the zoo on Friday. It was baby Kai's first time and his eyes were huge and full of awe the entire time.
Was sad that I forgot to put my memory card back into my camera after downloading pictures - thus have no pictures of Kai's first trip to the zoo. (I know - {gasp} {gasp})
Loved having our college kids over Saturday evening. It's fun to have little kids and college kids. Dave has two student employees each year and we enjoy making meals for them and hanging out with them. Our boys always go crazy over them too - and this year they have formed especially close attachments.
Have been honored by a nomination for a blog award with a monetary prize. The other nominees are phenomenal bloggers - and if nothing else I am just all smiley to have my blog title listed next to theirs. There are five different categories and the one I have been nominated in is "awesomest inspirational blog". The end result is determined by voting - and if you wish you may vote here. Do I feel like I have the "awesomest inspirational blog"? Um...no. Is it fun to have been nominated? It is. One of my favorite blog writers, Katie @ The Baby Factory, has been nominated in the awesomest parenting blog and awesomest overall blog. She is doing great in the polls (last I checked she was wining on the awesomest parenting blog!!)- be sure to give her a vote too! It's really quick and easy to do.
The song playing right now is a current fav of mine. It is me. I almost didn't like it the first time I heard it because of how much I could relate to it. That doesn't make alot of sense - but if you can relate to the words of this song, you will get it with out explanation (I am going to put the lyrics at the bottom of this post). I now listen to it often and God is using it. Quite alot.
Have realized that many of the computer issues I have been having seem to be Internet Explorer vs Firefox issues. And surprisingly I am leaning towards going back to Internet Explorer as all of my glitches are happening while using Firefox.
Fitting into clothes I haven't fit into in a long time. It's nice.
Been sitting down with calendar in hand and planning our summer. It is shaping up to be busy - but we are also trying to be very conscious of our family and our marriage. We have had some weeks in the past couple of months that have been just too busy. No way around it - it was too much! In recognition of this we are striving to protect at least a part of our weekends and never have our time spread so thin that our family suffers.
Have been so moved lately by this really great thing called grace. It's crazy good and I am so undeserving. - But that is what it is all about. Crazy. Good.
Been thinking alot about this weekend - specifically Sunday. It seems that every year I am impressed more and more with how blessed I was growing up with such a dedicated, loving, and Godly mother! She continues to be a great blessing in my life!
And now the kidlets are going down for their afternoon naps and I must feed my soul.
Only a few hours after I wrote the post about how grown our Jay was becoming, he made a decision that will change the course of his life forever.
Jay approached Dave and asked if he would show him how to ask Jesus into his heart. I can not even begin to tell you the awe that Dave and I are feeling as we celebrate this decision.
Through out the past few years, as Jay has been growing and learning, we have talked to him much about our choices, who we serve with our lives, and what motivates alot of our actions. We have tried to be thorough in our explanations. As much as we have greatly desired that he would love Jesus as we do, we never wanted him to feel forced into a decision. It was highly important to us that the decision be his and his alone.
It has been amazing to watch him begin to truly grasp truth and make it his own. I love how little children have such simple and deep faith.
When he initiated praying with Dave his desire was clear and his understanding was wonderful to see.
There will certainly be times of testing that faith and his understanding must be built upon, but really, isn't that true for all of us?
There's nothing like it. Just nothing like knowing that your child will spend eternity with you. It has been the prayer of our hearts from the time he was in the womb.
In addition - let me add that I tend to type very, very fast. This is, in fact, NOT a good thing. It is not a skill, but a weakness. :) it causes many an error in my writings as my fingers go crazy over the keyboard. My brain goes on fast forward when I am getting my thoughts out.. and that has proven to be slightly disastrous at times.
Case in point: Yes, I did call my child inelegant ( meaning awkward, gawky, and rough) when I, indeed, meant intelligent (meaning clever, astute, and smart) in my previous post. I frequently find these types of errors as I browse my archives - sometimes I laugh, sometimes my face gets red.
Also, my laptop has been acting a little bit odd lately. A few of my comments on my previous post made mention of the pictures (plural) that I posted in it. I had tried to post the picture of Jay on the tire swing many times, but it wasn't showing up. I finally got it to work. I was a little bit confused by the plural mention of pictures until I logged on to our desktop computer and saw that the picture had posted 3 times. It is still only on there once when I view it on my laptop. Hello?! Strange lap top picture stealer, stop messing with me! Also when I go to some blogs on my laptop, the header has completely disappeared. Gone into nothingness.
Any tech savvy computer people out there know what is going on? 'Cause it is kind of weirding me out and I don't want to continue publishing multiple pictures on my posts. Although - now that I am viewing all three tire swing pictures, they are different sizes and the the two on the top don't have the rounded corners, so it could maybe kind of look like I planned it that way. Maybe I even planned to type "inelegant". Yep, that's my awkward boy! So proud of him.
I sit there, right next to him, showing him how to make the loop,
and pull the string,
and tie the shoe.
And that feeling, which I am getting somewhat accustomed to now, grips my heart again.
His fingers look awkward and clumsy as he concentrates so hard on this small task.
His grin conveys more than any words can. "I'm doing it mom!
'Cause I'm getting big now huh?
I can reach the sink at preschool.
I'm growing."
Reaching the sink at preschool was epic to him.
And for just a minute I feel like I can barely breathe.
It took a while for me to connect with this boy. He kind of threw my life upside down
with colic,
and not sleeping,
and a strong will that started at birth...
Screaming and kicking and taking life on with a gusto that left me in its dust.
But the relationship that started blossoming between us - well it's indescribable now.
He means the world to me.
He is my dirt throwing,
hand holding,
question asking,
truth seeking,
big boy.
His intelligence still takes me by surprise sometimes (biased? Who, me?).
He means the world.
And all this big boy stuff,
this shoe tying
and kindergarten round up attending,
independence reaching,
well it's new to me.
And just between you and me - I'm not sure if I'm ready for this -
with him.
I feel like all of the good of our relationship is kicking in to high gear now. I want to savor it. I want these mornings where he stumbles into my room and crawls in bed with me to last a little bit longer. Where his messed up hair brushes against my arm as he snuggles in and asks what I am going to make for breakfast - and then convinces me that it must be "something homemade and tasty". The bonding that started slowly and quietly in my heart is so consuming now. And now that it is in full bloom it's time to give him space and let him grow....
This mommy stuff is tricky sometimes.
It's a balance; a dance.
It's hard until it's good and then it's adjusting to new. Then there is new hard and new good...
His eyes are so big and so blue. They look straight into mine in a way that will not allow me to give him anything except truth and authenticity. He asks me to make him promises and keep them. He asks me to show him the way. He implores me to be real and to have integrity. He wants me to be there for him. He shows me what is important.
And my throat hurts a little bit when I think about what all of this is leading to.
