Something new...

First of all - to address your confusion: Yes, this is my blog. :) It's just a little different. Or alot -

I'm so excited! I wanted a lighter and wider body area so that I could post more of my pictures and post them bigger. In the process of making the post body wider you could say that I might have gotten a tiny bit carried away... :)

But check it out - this is the difference it will make with posting pictures! 

If you scroll down you will see that I posted this picture a while ago and you really couldn't see it very well. It's awesome to be able to post them bigger!

There are still a few tweaks I want to make to the new design - but um... I kind of have to learn how first. 

So anyway - I might just be learning to multitask. Or maybe I should go feed my kids now...

And I thought I was a multi tasker...

Ends up I am not the mutli tasker I thought I was. Big sigh.

See, I used to pride myself in my ability to make mac 'n cheese while talking on the phone and nursing - simultaneously. What is it they say about pride? Something about falling.... Anyway, as the mom of 4, multitasking is pretty much a given. But I found out this week I just can't quite do as much at the same time as I thought I could.

I can't get all of my laundry done while planning/emailing/calling for several different events that I have chosen to be involved with.

I can not write blog posts while designing a  blog.

I can't do much of anything while I am in the middle of some intense "sleep training" with the wee one. {"Sleep training": He goes to bed at 8 and then cries to nurse at 10:30. I let him cry (thus the "training"). I cave after 10 minutes (who is training who?). I have a stern talk with him about how he is almost 6 months old and has plenty of chub rolls. He doesn't need to be nursing through the night like that. He looks up at me like he understands. I try to go back to sleep. We have this "training session" again at 1am. And usually again around 4:30...)

 I can't mop my floors while doing serious crafting with my ever so creative Jay. He has been all about crafts lately and every day he is just so excited to paste and cut and invent. We have been painting rocks, making pandas out of toilet paper rolls, crafting flowers from scrapbook paper and paper plates, and dipping cheerio krispy bars in chocolate and sprinkles.

So much goodness, no?

Oh and the weather! We are finally getting pretty sun and we are getting warmth. I can't multitask with this either. I have to just be out there in it. Watching Dave build our deck + ramp for Caleb's walker. Pushing the boys on swings and just generally laying down on the ground and rolling in the beauty that is spring (not really... but I am in love with it).

So, this is me under the laundry pile, learning the html codes, wading through the pretty paper, crayons, paint, and baking supplies, and keeping my eyes open. And can I just say that life really does look pretty from here.

Impromptu celebration of 9

Nine years of being married to this amazing, patient, good man. So much to celebrate.

And yet, so much life happening too. These days life doesn't slow down and say "go celebrate you two! I will come to a halt so you can revel in the wonder of memories and chatter excitedly over the possibilities of the future! Go - have fun!"

No, we knew that the season of life we are in, the budget we {try} to follow, and the day of the week this milestone landed on was not conducive to much celebrating. So we made plans to go out for dinner this weekend...

But still... Today. What a day! The memories - the thoughts of everything this anniversary means to me - I couldn't stop thinking about it. And I knew I wanted to do something special. Today.

Indeed, it is busy. Indeed, four little ones do take alot. Yes, the baby is young, and just starting to take a bottle. For sure, any kind of special "just the two of us" time takes alot of effort and planning...

But oh is it ever worth it.

So, I called his mom.

And she came over.

And the boys were thrilled.

I put on a skirt and some heels.

I even put a flower in my hair. :)

 He called while I was getting ready and really - I had such a hard time not saying anything. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut. Not good at all. But this time... I did it!!

I went to one of his favorite restaurants,

to get his favorite burger, and I brought it to him at work.

I called and asked what he was doing as I walked to the building he cleans. He did not suspect a thing. 

But then I told him the sidewalk I was walking down and the building I was walking by. He asked if I had come to town to pick up K? Was K not doing well again? Why was I there?

But how fun to say no, it's not about K this time. I have warm brownies from the oven and I'm bringing you the cowboy burger. It's about you. It's about us. Just us this time.

So fun.

He grinned and we found a table and a couple of chairs. We talked about our nine years and about how many changes have come our way. It was good. So good. It was only 30 minutes - but what a good 30 minutes.

And what a good nine years. Oh am I ever blessed.

                                                   

Against her better judgement, she wrote a blog post while in a fog of fatigue

My house is much quieter than it was last week.
I miss them.
It was so nice to have a house full.
I particularly enjoyed the adult company during the day.

Suddenly I am becoming obsessed with web design.
Hahaha.
It's a big laugh if you know how small my knowledge of such things is.
And yet, I am determined.
By trial and error I am messing with html codes of blog design and pretending that I know what I am doing. Fortunately I was wise enough to start a test blog to mess with.
If I would have started messing with this one it would likely be deleted by now and I would be crying...

Baby Kai {probably} had RSV last week.
He tested negative for it, but our doctor said everything about him was screaming {and wheezing, and coughing, and choking} RSV.
He is much improved, but we are dealing with some bad habits which were started when he was at his worst. Most notably - waking up every couple of hours at night.
And not going back to sleep easily.
I am very much wandering around in a fog today.

K had another short seizure this morning.
Or migraine.
Or something else altogether that nobody can identify.
We still have no conclusive answers when it comes to him.
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it may always be so.

I'm tired.
Oh - and I think I already said that.

I really, really, really love my husband.
He is incredibly patient with me.

My sister left her "30 day shred" DVD here for me to try.
Why am I scared?
Maybe because I've read alot of "Jillian why are you trying to kill me?" facebook status's regarding this very workout...
She also left her black trench coat, which I, naturally, am wearing daily (yes, I will be sending it in the mail soon Trish).

Right now I am listening to Jay tell Noe that what he just said was "InPropriate". They are a hoot together. And quite InProriate sometimes.

Yesterday I finished my laundry.
Yes, all of it. 
It was so weird I hardly knew what to do with myself.
But that only lasted until I looked at the floor and saw all the dirt.

I haven't taken any pictures since last Wednesday.
Very odd for me.
I must go get inspired behind my lens again.

Yes, this is a day I probably should not be posting.
Typing while in a fog usually results in a post of nonsense ramblings.
Or drivel - which is a pretty fun word to say.

Spring...

I ♥ you. Even though you are still officially two days away - and I'm positive that you are only teasing us. And we will likely see some snow again. Really - all that matters is right here, right now, we are warm. And going outside barefoot. And eating ice cream on the curb at a newly opened small town ice cream shop.

♥

Let's hear it for the boys

So this week has been crazy and beautiful and heartfelt. Chaotic and sleepless and memorable. My sister and brother in law, from 500 miles away, are here visiting with their 3 boys Having SO.MUCH.FUN with our 4 boys. Did you get that? Between the 2 of us we have birthed 8 boys... and 0 girls. :) My sister Trisha and I are 22 months apart. Life has thrown us on many different curves. But our bonds are unbreakable. I ♥ her! It is so fun to see all of our boys interacting. And to get to love on each other's kidos... The bad that is thrown in with all of this good is some sicknesses - Baby Kai being the worst hit with it. I am taking him to the doctor this morning since I have not been able to get his fever to stay down and he's simply miserable. He and I have been awake almost all night for about 3 nights. The good of this week has been so good though that even sleeplessness can not ruin it. :) Gotta run.........

The difference I make

At the core of my being I want to know that I am making a difference. That my existence is full of purpose. In my more pure and positive moments I do not doubt that. Because in those moments I am constantly being faced with truth. Conversely, through the fog that can easily encompass my surroundings in the midst of exhaustion, busyness, and overwhelming... life, I waver in my belief that I am affecting anything for a positive difference in this life. I remember a day not long ago which started out at a rate of constant and progressed to reach a crescendo of activity which I struggled to keep up with. K was home from school due to not feeling his best. I still had to drive Jay to preschool, so was very busy trying to get all four boys dressed, breakfast made, milk distributed into sippy cups, coats on, and every one strapped into car seats so that we would be on time {on time... what a simple, yet elusive goal of mine}. Two boys did not finish their breakfast, so naturally they began sobbing when I told them it was time to go. I hurriedly found a napkin to put their toast in and told them to grab their milk on the way out. Noe's shoes could not be found. Stress level rises. Heat fills my chest. Kai burps up his breakfast. On my shirt. There is no time to change. Heart rate increases. Noe trips on his way to the van. Mud covers the knees of his jeans which is indescribably disturbing to him. K needs his purple computer. I had grabbed his red computer on my way out the door. How could I commit such a terrible, terrible offense? Where are my keys...? They were just on the counter top. They were just there, I know it! Ten minutes late. We arrive ten minutes late. I am slamming doors and scolding. Something in the pit of my stomach feels rotten. My temples are throbbing. Jay gets delivered to preschool, but not smoothly or in a timely manner. He clings to my hand and pouts. The routine is repeated, only with less urgency this time. Car seats are fastened. My back aches from lifting K into his car seat as well as the strain that the infant car seat, with over 15 pounds of baby in it, is beginning to cause. The tension between my shoulder blades and in my lower back only adds to the agitation which is now freely pouring from me. On the way home I encounter interstate drivers who are less than kind. Why is it that driving the speed limit can make some people, who are so unfortunate to end up behind me, so angry?? On the trek from van to house I grab as much as I can. Diaper bag over the shoulder, infant car seat on the hip, rejected red computer in hand, cup of milk... I don't have an extra hand for the cup of milk. It goes into my coat pocket. As the door swings open my eyes survey the mess I left my home in. Dirt from the bottom of the boys' shoes litters the floor. Crumbs dot the counters. Pajamas are strewn throughout my line of vision. As I lean down to set the car seat onto the kitchen floor I notice the feeling of moisture on my left hip. Milk. On my {dry clean only} coat. On my pants. On the floor. On the diaper bag. I gasp for air, back up against the dishwasher and slide down till my body meets the hard floor beneath me. Kai is vocalizing his imminent need to nurse. K wants his braces and shoes off. I shut my eyes and the clutter in my mind organizes into one thought: What am I doing? The tension, the rushing, the snapping - what's it all for? I want to make a difference... No, not that kind of a difference. Seeing the distress in Kai's innocent face, the worry demonstrated by Noe, and K's frustration as he pries at his shoes makes things quite clear for me. I am making a substantial difference. -And for better or for worse comes down to my attitude. My time management *grimace*. My patience. My love. My moments of rest. My good choices. My gentleness.

Or lack thereof.

In this case, much, much lack...

The responsibility of it all can seem insurmountable. Or it can be viewed as an amazing privilege. To have that kind of an impact on these lives entrusted to us... It's huge. It's really, really huge. God help me. I have always said that nothing in life has made me see my need for Jesus like becoming a parent has. Oh how I need Jesus! What I take in. What I surround myself with. What I hear, see breathe, absorb - that is what is going to come out.

And so in that moment, on that cool kitchen floor, I whisper exactly that: "God help me" and I brush tears away from my eyes. I tell them that I am sorry and I just reach for them. It makes for a very full lap - and an even more full heart.

This and This and This {I am astonished by the creative post titles that are flowing out of my brilliant mind!}

Some times my blog, which started as a means to post pictures and updates for my out of state family and friends, begins to have a more "article-esque" feel than an "update on my life" feel. I like variety, I like having it be a personal extension of myself and allowing it to evolve and diversify as my life does. Some times a thought or idea hits me and I must just sit and write it out. Whether it really belongs on my public blog or not is still rather questionable in my mind, but my finger pretty much always does push that "publish" button. *Grin* If some time passes between "update" posts, I usually get a request or two from family members to get going on bringing them up to date on the newest happenings and post pictures of all that is current in our family. It is flattering to know they care - so this one is dedicated to my dear family. Really - I couldn't let another day go by with out posting because he is now doing this -

*swoon* {This little miniature man's sweetness is too much sometimes!}

And last week I did this -

Loving that I can do my hair in 4 minutes flat now!!! I don't have to blow dry or anything! Gel and a little "flipping" with the flat iron and I am good to go. PERFECT for this busy mama! And now that our bedroom project is done we can move on to the big boy room - and we are doing this - Of course I was so loving what we had done that I wasn't thinking about the implications of the sign I put up. Once I realized it I did this - What?! You think that astounded look was staged? Pfshhh.. you should've been there! I was shocked. -Guess they will have to be putting their own clothes away and making their own beds now. I can't go in there... Getting towed is SOOO embarrassing.

Of course he did

Classic K moment: Last night was our conference with his teacher. We pretty much got a good report all around. Since he has missed alot of school and hasn't been able to transition to 5 full days as we had wished (He's still only doing 2 full days and 3 half days due to fatigue) we weren't sure what the recommendations for next year would be. It ends up that he is doing just fine in keeping up with the rest of the class - next year it is on to first grade! They had done some simple testing to see where he was at in several different academic areas - With out help he had to show them what he knew as it pertains to letters and numbers. He didn't know what the goals were - he just had to show what his best was. He met all of his goals... almost!! {Check out the fifth one~} Yep...

What I'm learning: Marriage edition

Ladies - I'm discovering some things in my marriage that are so not profound, but I have been shamefully remiss in. Uggghhhh... I have been making some classic blunders. And I just need to write them out. I need to. Then I need to read them. Over and over and over. And maybe - just maybe they will FINALLY sink in. The following paragraphs are pretty much - to me, with love. There will never be a point in time when you are everything to your spouse. Trying is going to exhaust you - and guess what? - He very likely does not expect you to be it all/do it all/look it all. Talking things to death may not be best. Sometimes space is not a bad thing (even if it goes against everything you feel you "need"). Those things you know he struggles with? Don't berate him about them. He knows. He is more aware of his weaknesses and deficiencies than you know. They mock him and make him feel small. Don't join them. Make him feel like a hero - not a little boy who needs scolding. Have fun together. Let life happen - flexibility is huge in marriage. Lose the expectations of fairytale romance. Let real life romance be dazzling. And enough. Don't love him for how he makes you feel. Love based on feelings is fickle at best. And if I may be so bold - it isn't really love if that is the basis. Get to know who he truly is - the good and the bad. Some stuff you'll like - some stuff you won't. It's okay. God made you very different people. And there is a purpose in that. Along those same lines - let him be him. Don't pressure him to be like you. Different is good, it adds so much versatility to life. Is all that clutter {and the dust bunnies under the couch} mocking you? It will still be there tomorrow {Oh so unfortunately... it will be} when he is at work. Focus on him while he is home. Just sit with him. Hold his hand. It's worth it. Recognize that a Christian spouse has the same Spirit living in him as is living in you. HE {The Holy Spirit} will do the changing. Shut your mouth and let God work. HE really is more effective than you. You are a special and unique part of your spouse's life - but your spouse does not need you in able to grow. You can (and should) encourage, uplift, and affirm - but giving him space to grow and letting God work is essential. Pray, pray, pray. He is not your personal servant. Handing over the kids, the mail, and the vacuum when he get home from work - really not cool. Worried about all of your physical imperfections? It is highly probable that he is not. Don't hide. God and close friends can alleviate alot of pressure from him. Go to your spouse when appropriate - but always go to God first. -And when you want to {for instance} get a girlfriend response to girlfriend chatter - just leave him alone. He will never be a girlfriend. You really don't want him to be a girlfriend when you actually think about it. Sometimes female "chatter" can make a guy's ears bleed. He just may not care what flavor mocha you had this morning and why you can't wear brown heels with your new outfit... don't ask him to care about things that are just insignificant noise in his life. LISTEN TO HIM. Think you know how he will finish that sentence? - Okay, maybe you are right, but let him finish that sentence anyway. Have a really important thing you need to say when he is in the middle of talking {like super earth shattering important...} STOP. Wait. The world will not end if you must put your oh-so-important statement on hold. Nothing says "I don't really care about you" like interrupting, barging in, and taking charge of a conversation {Blahhhhhhh - this is a BIG ONE for me.) Virtuoso in the art of manipulation? Five words: Don't.use.it.on.him I need to stop now and just concentrate on these - because there are so many more that I could add, but then I would get overwhelmed. And really -I need to internalize these more than you know...

In times of grief you may say it best when you say nothing at all

Seven years ago my husband I experienced an agonizing tragedy. We came face to face with one of the worst fears that can assault a parent; losing a child. In the weeks, months, and years that followed I willed time to go past me in fast forward, but eventually realized that if I didn't allow myself to work through each phase of grief I would not reach the healing that my heart desperately needed. And so I allowed myself to feel. To cry. To accept. To mourn the loss of life as well as the loss of dreams and expectations. In the midst of this process many well meaning good intentioned people in our lives wanted so much to say something to make it better. Something - anything. Something to soften, to soothe, to say, "I love you, I care, I know you are hurting... ...and I don't know what to do or say." As our hearts have journeyed through healing (and continue to do so) God has put several other families in our paths who have faced similar difficult circumstances. Prematurity, miscarriage, infant loss, severe pregnancy complications, or even losses of a completely different nature. It has re-broken my heart to watch those whom I love go through these things. Partially because I just care for them and do not want them to hurt and also because I know. Our situations may be different, but there is a bond in these circumstances nonetheless. Even after going through all that we have - there are times that I just don't know what to say to some one else facing these things. And I am so frustrated by that. Certainly since I have gone through it I will have those perfect words. You know the ones - they articulate your love, your concern, your deep sorrow... And yet, some how they elude me. So, I started really looking back to that time. It's not easy to do; digging down deep to memories and emotions that I don't want to feel again. But I know it is important. As I have explored the memories of those painful times I began to think that it could be advantageous to share what I found. I know many of you have dealt with or are dealing with some of these situations - and I want to offer my experience. You know what I came up with? Nothing. Yes indeed - the number one thing that helped me the most when I was dazed by grief were those who did not try to explain away or justify the situation. Those who did not go into a long discourse of how it would get better, how it was building character, or God's sovereignty. Are all of those things true? Absolutely! But timing is of utmost importance when dealing with the delicacy of emotions directly following a loss. I may be skating on thin ice here - but even scriptures which were so readily verbalized during those first few weeks did not fall on ears that were ready to hear some of them. I want to be very careful to convey my meaning here - because God is the ultimate healer and his Word to us is what got us through plain and simple. BUT - again, timing is important - and frankly there was a time during J.D.s visitation, funeral, and weeks following where I felt like if I heard "all things work together for good" one stinkin' more time, I would puke. Do you want to know what I was feeling? Of course God works all things out for His ultimate good. Of course someday I will see it - but now, RIGHT now I don't feel good at all. I don't feel any of this "working together". It sucks. I hurt more intensely than any physical pain I have ever been in. I just need you to recognize that these feelings are legitimate and real and okay. Some of the scriptures that did reach my hurting heart were simply written out and slipped into a card. A card that I could open, read, and perhaps set aside for a time. In God's timing my attention would be drawn back to it, and I would meditate on what was inside. These three words comforted me beyond anything I could've imagined: "I'm so sorry"- the end. When loving eyes met mine, and those words were uttered, walls fell down, my heart felt the love, and tiny little pieces of healing began to fall into place. When those whom you love dearly are faced with some of life's most difficult circumstances I truly believe that more often than not less is more. Less fishing around for those perfect words. Less justification. Less explanation. And more love playing out in honesty {"I have no idea what to say"} and simple, practical acts of service {quietly giving a hug, refilling a water bottle, giving a praise and worship CD, cards, meals}. Different people, personalities, and unique circumstances will call for different ways of reaching out, but I hope and pray that when I see some one hurting I will be able to look into my own scars and find those things which were most a balm to my sorrow.

Dear Mud:

You are worth it. Your presence tells of positive things to come. The sun has preceded you. I will tolerate you. I will sweep my floors multiple times each day on account of your sneaky ways of coming into the house on our shoes. You are worth it, you are worth it, you are worth it.

I'm no Bezalel - but check it out anyway

Imagine my delight last night when during the course of our Bible reading I made the surprising discovery that one can have the spiritual gift of making crafts!! Who knew? But there it was - right in Exodus: "...I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts - to make artistic designs..." Exodus 31:1-4 Oh Bezalel - must be so great to be you! All of this to say - such a gift has not been imparted to me. However... I do love to pretend that I am some kind of a Bezalel. Crafting makes me a bit giddy. Some of my crafting creations - most assuredly - appear to be the creations of someone between the ages of 2 and 5 - but that does not take away from the joy I get in the process. My latest endeavor? - A little bit of decoupaging. Isn't that a fun word? Decoupage, decoupage, decoupage. Say it - it's fun! Annnywayyyyy... I digress. So, I started out with some square pieces of wood that my hubby cut out for me - just some old scraps he had in his garage. Noe "helped" me get my project started with some painting fun. Then we had to wait for them to dry. The following day we Mod Podged (using Mod Podge as a verb - getttin' all kinds of crazy) some scrapbook paper onto them. Watch out for the Mod Podge. It can be addictive. After a little magic from the cricut - and hittin' the Mod Podge again (of course) we, once again, had to wait for everything to dry. The next day I did some sanding - for a bit of a distressed look - and voila - the first decorations to hang on or "new" bedroom wall. Would Bezalel have come up with some thing more beauteous - undoubtedly. Am I satisfied with the finished product - most definitely!

When you are five...

The world is bright and opportunities are endless. You giggle at mommy when she gasps and says "BE CAREFUL" over...and over...and over. You are so glad that you have a daddy who talks mommy into things that she normally wouldn't allow. You think about things alot. There is so much to process. And the questions, which have always been a big part of your vocabulary, are suddenly so much deeper and more important than they were when you were four. SO many new questions taking mommy by surprise... When you are five there is alot of good. And alot of grown up stuff. And still just a glimmer - the tiniest little glimpse of the little boy you used to be.