Those 5 little words...

"He looks just like you!"

My heart did a little flutter when I heard those words. And I didn't even know that I wanted to hear them! It's not that I presume myself so fabulous looking that I think there should be lots of little people running around that look like me. Really not.... I don't even know exactly what it is. It's just neat to be able to see yourself and your husband in a tiny face. Sometimes I see some of my physical traits in K, but pretty much our boys have really looked like Dave's side of the family through and through. I love the ice blue eyes that run in his family. Even down to the shape of their heads, they have looked like daddy! When Baby Kai came along we were a little bit confused. He didn't look much like the other boys at all!! His dark coloring and thick hair gave him a uniqueness that everyone seemed to notice. I had an "ah-ha!" moment when I went home for Christmas and began looking at old photos at my parents house. He was almost identical to my baby pictures! This morning the older boys' Sunday school teacher got a look at Kai and immediately commented on how much he looked like his mama. I've been hearing it more and more and I like it. It may seem silly, but I just feel that much more bonded to him. I love this baby boy something fierce!

And sometimes I cry over "briefs"

Poor lady on the other end of the phone this morning. Poor, poor lady. She didn't do anything wrong. And it's certainly not her fault that my 7 year old is not potty trained. Not her fault at all. And I need to stop thinking it is my fault too. There is a possibility that I could put him on a better schedule - trying to just build habits - teach him... somehow. I don't know. There is so much I just don't know. But this morning when I called to order more "youth briefs" (big ugly diapers) and ended up in tears.... it was just nobodies fault. And the lady helping me out was a bit at a loss... This is a part of parenting K that I don't talk about often. I have a hard time with it. He's smart. All of his doctors seem to think he can get this. I am left wondering if I have done something wrong, or have been too busy with the other boys, or have not been diligent enough. Right now the truth of the situation seems to be that he just can't feel enough to know when he has to go, or has gone. We are beginning to think it is a physical issue, which may not be resolved. We just don't know. But he's seven, and he's in kindergarten, and we have to buy jeans a size or so too big for him so that they will go over the bulk of the big ugly diaper... and something in me just feels so sad. All of these alarms go off in my head. They say that worrying about silly stuff like this is indulgent and petty . They sound off in my head: "Guilty!" "Stop!" "He's breathing, He's alive!" "Don't worry about things that don't matter" Over and over. But the alarms in my head can do nothing to stop the truth - that right now, to me, it does matter. I can not deny my honest struggles. It does matter. Hey you - "he's breathing, he's alive!" alarm. Yeah, you. I appreciate the way you help me keep perspective, but you have to lay off a bit. We had been getting shipments of 2 "youth briefs" per day. I called today to increase to five. Because we were trying to train - and only have him in them part time. But he was saying "no" when the answer was "yes" and he was asking me if he had gone - and he was confused - and I was stressed - and that was stressing him out - and I am training Noe, and he is getting it (finally). I know the difference. So I said we need more and she questioned why - and we had to go through all of this insurance stuff and she questioned some more... And I cried.

entrepreneur or swindler?

We were all pretty tired last night. I was doing my obsessive compulsive quick little toy pick up which I indulge in every evening before we retire to our beds and Dave was completing the pajamas and bed time routine with the small ones. Jay had already made his way up to the bedroom that he shares with Noe. I was somewhat distracted by my own tired and the tidying process with which I was engaged. I heard Noe's slipper jammied foot steps descending the stairs and he was soon chattering excitedly. Noe is a very vocal child. We were carrying on understandable conversations with him when he was around 18 months old. BUT, when he gets upset or excited, or a mixture of both, his words can turn into just "chattering". So he is chattering at me and I catch "My room! - Need a penny!" What? So, I said, "What?!" And he slowed it down. And I heard every strange little word. "I need a penny so that I can get into my room!" What? As it turns out, Jay had intentionally been the first up the stairs and into the room. He then held the door shut - telling his 3 year old brother that he could only enter if he paid his way in - with a penny. Come on Jay - if you are gonna do it - try for at least a quarter! I could not control my laughter. Where do they learn this stuff?? So, naturally, I gave Noe a penny so that he could go into his room for the night. Creative planning minds deserve their reward, no? Confirmation that the T-shirt I got for Jay that night was, indeed, appropriate.

The long tedious medical post...

In two weeks K and I will make the one hour drive to the hospital where our K and JD were born and I will go through the process of admitting K to the pediatric epileptic clinic for 5 days. You know that feeling of dreading something and greatly anticipating it...? No? Well, if you do, then you know how I feel. It's not going to be an easy few days for us, but our hope is that this will finally be the process which will help us determine why K's current anti seizure medications are not doing what they are designed to do in his body; stop seizure activity. Let me be honest here - in the past 6 months, as these seizures have begun to show up for K, I have struggled. I had been ultra pleased that although his EEG results always showed high potential for seizures his whole life, we had never seen one. Not one. Not ever! And it was quite the miracle. Doctors were amazed - and our little boy amazing his doctors has always been a very encouraging element in our journey of raising this dear {but always a bit complicated} child. And then in July - for some reason which is still a mystery to even the most educated of doctors, he had the first seizure we have ever witnessed. At the time we didn't know what was happening, because it wasn't what one would think of as a typical seizure. It was just some trembling, rapid eye movement, a little confusion. We were on our way home from Iowa and had been in the car for about 10 hours. We thought maybe he was dehydrated, over tired...? We brought him in to the ER later on that night and received no answers there. He was fine by then and the ER docs sent us home. Since then he has had an "episode" on average of once a month. Some months he has had two. They are getting more "organized". It has been explained to us that his brain now has "practice" in causing a seizure. Grrreeaatttt!!! Just the kind of practicing one wants their children to do, huh? The last one he had was a couple of weeks ago and it scared this mama... It was pretty much what one would think of as a classic seizure. We were eating supper and all of the sudden he got a panicky look in his eye. He said "No, no, no!" - He knew it was coming on, and that pretty much broke my heart. I don't know what he feels during these seizures. We have been assured it doesn't hurt him and will not cause brain damage. They are not grand mall seizures, they do not involve violent jerking or any thing life threatening, but for us they are still very daunting. Dave held him until it was over. I prayed. For alot of things, but mostly that we would have some way of figuring out why it was happening and that we could prevent this from becoming a part of our normal. The very next morning we got a call from the epileptic clinic, which we were on a waiting list for (yay God!). He will go off all anti seizure meds the night before he is admitted. While he is there they will try things like sleep deprivation to try to induce a seizure. Yes, we are going to go to great measures to bring on a seizure. There will be 24 hour video and EEG monitoring while he is at the hospital and through this we hope to be able to pin point exactly where in his brain the seizures are being activated. He will have electrodes all over this head, and a few on his chest, during the duration of his stay. Dave and I had to be very creative in coming up with a schedule to have one of us with K at all times. Because of Dave's job (silly little detail...) our other 3 sweeties, household responsibilities, Jay's preschool... you get the picture. I think we finally have a tentative schedule mapped out involving a couple days off from work, alot of help from Dave's mom, having Dave's sister "on call", a rigorous process of talking to several different people at the hospital to get permission to bring baby Kai for part of the time (you'd think no one had ever asked if they could bring their full time nursing infant to the hospital before. They really didn't know what to say to me at first and finally, slightly begrudgingly, they agreed that I could bring him if I did so for the least amount of time as possible). Okay, so I know this was kind of long and I may have rambled a bit (and of course for some of you this was repetitive and old news...) but this obviously has been on my mind alot and I really covet your prayers for our family. The planning, the details getting worked out, the other boys as they deal with mommy and daddy taking turns being gone, my selfishness, as this 5 days happens to have my birthday in it. (Oh my *gag*, that sounds incredibly self-absorbed of me in light of everything going on with K...), and of course some specific prayer requests for K. We would really appreciate prayer for K's comfort during his time in the hospital. Since he is getting to the point where he is aware when a seizure is about to begin and he seems to experience some panic from those feelings, it makes it hard for us to pray that he has a seizure. Also, having electrodes all over his head and chest tends to be some what uncomfortable to him. In addition to that - just trying to keep a 7 year old calm and occupied for 5 days and nights in the hospital… yeah, 'nuff said. Our biggest, and likely strangest, prayer request is that he will indeed, have a seizure while he is at the hospital. That is the hope of this whole plan. We want him to have one - to see the EEG and video evidence of what is happening inside, and to be able to make a very personalized medication plan to stop what is happening. It will hopefully also give us some direction in making some decisions regarding his daily activities etc. Thanks friends. I feel a little tired after writing this. We know that none of this is a surprise to God and that he treasures our son even more than we do. Your prayers mean so much to us!

The 37th anniversary of the constitutional right to break your heart

I know you may feel like it is your only choice. But it's not. I know you're scared. It's okay. You're not alone. There are people. Lots of people - who could be there for you. Who will be there for your baby. I know it's legal. But please. Please. Think about it one more time. There's a beating heart. Tiny fingers and toes already growing. So you find yourself in a situation that breaks your heart. That you weren't counting on. That will change your life. And you think you have found a simple solution. But It is anything but simple. And the furthest thing from a solution. If you were in front of me right now I would take your face in my hands, look you in the eye, and tell you that I care. That I know you are hurting tremendously. But that if you do this, your hurt will multiply for the rest of your life. I don't want you to pay for the rest of your life. You think the circumstances you are presently in are breaking your heart? - If you go through with this you will learn a new definition of that. I can not even begin to claim that I know what you are going through. But I do know the sharp and lasting ache of having life thriving within you one moment and then emptiness and pain the next. The circumstances surrounding this feeling may be very different. But the agony of it is sure to be universal. Don't make the choice to go there. It doens't just end one life. It ends a certain lighthearted and carefree element in your life which will be so difficult to uncover again. Please think about it. Just stop and think one more time.

the windows in the doors and the little people in my heart

The day had been long and the couch felt beyond comfy. I realized that I hadn't sat down for several hours - if not most of the day. Finally declaring my work "done" was a call I just had to make. It's never really done, I just have to pick a pausing point or rest would always be a foreign concept. I pulled my soft cream colored blanket, with turquoise and purple dots on it, up to my chin and took a deep breath. The dishes were done, most of the laundry clean, and the closet had been organized. That last task had been a huge one. New linoleum had been placed in the closet as well as new shelving. Everything had to come out of the small closet, sorted, and organized. Whew! A quick trip to Target had aided in the final organization as several bins and crates had been purchased and filled. My eyes wandered to the french doors which separate our living room from our front porch/play room. The twenty small windows embedded in those doors looked strange. Clear. Clean. I wasn't used to that look. I had let the finger prints/tongue prints/ crayon marks/many other who-knows-what smudges mar those windows for far, far too long. I had been so pleased when the task of wiping away all of the yuck from those windows had been completed. It took me quite awhile to wash the front and back of each window. Forty panes of glass can be time consuming. - Probably why I put it off for so long. But suddenly, in that moment I felt this uneasy feeling begin to make its way into my mind and body. It was as if I was getting a small peak into the future. I realize that I will always have messes to clean up - but those tiny hand prints? There will come a time when they will not be a factor in my cleaning at all. I smiled as I remembered my mom's email shortly after we left their house at Christmas time. It read, "I cant decide whether I want to clean the little hand prints off from my sliding glass doors or not yet... Precious memories." At the time I read that I thought she was pretty crazy. I get frustrated at those smudges. Just smudges. Making my home look unkempt and messy. But then that email began to make sense to me. Alot of sense. Those smudges do indeed hold precious memories. Memories of little pudgy hands that are learning what they can do each day. Little hands that reach up to take mine. And they won't always do that. Some day there will not be a stumble in their step, but a confidence. And they won't need me as much. How I got from gleaming french doors to not being needed is simply a talent of my overactive mind. - You're welcome. As I sat there staring at those beautiful doors I realized that as tired as I get these days, as frustrating as it can be for me to be pulled in so many directions, as overwhelming as it can be to have four dependent little ones, - the fear of not being needed some day trumps all of it. And I am not going to wrap this post up in any kind of pretties. This is it. Feel the irony. I am afraid of the day that these little people reach the very independence that I myself am striving and preparing them for. It's this strange insecure fear. Like a "what will I be when I am no longer doing everything that is so permeating my life right now?" kind of fear. Incongruent, no?

What do I know...?

This song - it has just slayed me lately. Pretty much taken my heart and laid it bare before the Lord. My maker. The one who knows everything about me... ...and the one whom I know so very little of. The one who gets so little of my reverence and respect. But who deserves first place in my life. He is so much bigger than anything I could ever be, think, imagine, understand. He deserves so much more from me. So much.... Pause play list at the bottom of this page

{3 months}

So, I am a few days late on this one little man - but that's because this milestone kinda snuck up on me... You are three months old. Three months ago I brought home this skinny lil' baby - and here you are now - no neck, three chins, and all chub. Boy do I love it! A couple of days ago you started to giggle. I couldn't stop laughing because your giggle is hilarious! It's like you are still trying to figure out the whole laughing thing and you need a little practice. And then yesterday daddy woke you up from one of your naps and you were all out of sorts. You couldn't decide how you felt. You were sobbing when I went to pick you up, but then you saw me and did your giggle. Then you started doing both - at the same time. Hours of entertainment baby - that is what you are! This month you are being so much more interactive. It makes those first few weeks of living in an exhausted fog all worth it. In the early days you slept 95% of the time. Your eyes were hardly ever open and you were so needy. Now you are SO alert, SO awake, and becoming very social. This is, indeed, a very fun stage. Daddy and I are so thankful that your reflux has diminished to just little spit ups here and there. Really, really glad to be over the worst of that! This past week you slept 8 hours straight for two nights. Oh my - I can't even find words for the goodness of that. I woke up feeling amazing! Better than I had felt in a very long time. I don't expect 8 hours to be a consistent trend here, but even the 5 that you do regularly is much improved from last month. Sleep is a good thing. A very, very good thing! I actually think I love it more than I should... but that's another story. You'll find out all of mommy's faults soon enough. Some day you won't look at me like I am the queen of everything good and well.... milky. {I think to you "milky" would be like the ultimate word} You are 13 lbs 6 oz and 24 inches long. That is a 6 pound gain and a 5 inch gain in length since birth!! I am really enjoying you. I am enjoying you more than ever before. I love that! ~Mommy

Seven years later..

{Tuesday} I rolled out of bed and acknowledged the band around my heart. It wasn't the raw tightness like years past, just a slightly breathless feeling. I knew it would be there. I saw my sweet baby next to my bed, resting so peacefully. I cried. Pure joy overflowed from my eyes as I focused on the simple act of his chest rhythmically moving up and down. Up and down. Over and over I watched. "Oh God, for every breath he takes I thank you. SO much. Thank you God, thank you God." In the stillness of the morning I just sat on the edge of my bed letting the emotions, the good and the bad wash over me. I went into the next room and woke up K. I pulled him on to my lap and just held him. He was groggy, and a little grumpy, and cute. I looked in his eyes and wondered if he felt anything for the sweet one who was identical to him. Did he know what this day was? He smiled - that huge crooked one - and asked me what I was doing. I just told him I loved him and corralled he and the other boys down the stairs. K would be late for school if I let sentimentality win the moment. It was the normal breakfast and meds, lunch made, notes to teachers written, clothes on, feeding Kai, helping K to the bus. Just like any other day, but so not. On the way to preschool I cried. Not the ugly cry. Not sobs. Just a wet face as I drove the familiar route. Of course "Some times he calms the Storm" would come on the radio. Of course. We had a video montage with that song playing at the memorial service. "Hello God, yep - you remember too, huh? Give him a hug for me..." When Dave got home it was the two of us in an embrace that remembered. Remembered the sweet, the tough, the impossible. His mom came over and she got to be grandma while we got some quiet. Dinner, talking, peacefulness, remembering. Dinner in the same town that he was born in. The same town where we had to hear the agonizing report from the doctors. The same town he died in. Driving there in the snow, in the cold, with the same sights and feelings along the way Dave remembered things I didn't. I remembered things he had forgotten. We held hands. We talked about it. We ate. We laughed. Baby Kai cuddled close to me. On the way home Dave made the observation that in 5 months we would reach the milestone of 10 years since our first date. Ten years. I laughed and said it had been a really, really good ten years except.... ...And I proceeded to list off all of the difficult things that we had been through. And he said "Except for all of the things that have made us who we are today, huh?" And I reconsidered. A good ten years indeed. And a good seven years. No "excepts".

The lengths I will go to for a little glimpse of spring in the middle of winter...

I planted grass in a little flower pot. I put it in my kitchen window. It grew. I smile every time I look at it. Now go do it. You know want to.

I'm still yours

J.D 1-2-03 - 1-12-03 Please pause play list at bottom of page before playing video

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The unexpected in motherhood

I hate the not knowing. And the worries. I know I should just be infinitely grateful that he is here. Just that he is here. This week of all weeks... It's a little bit more emotional than most. And this week some things are happening that feel so out of my control. There are alot of things that have surprised me since I have become a mom. So many things that are really different than what my expectations of motherhood were. Some really, really good. Some just...well, different . Like I never thought that I would have to learn to look for the signs of a seizure in my little boy. I never knew I would have to learn to hold a child close while he was having a seizure. Learn to calm my beating heart, and gently tell him everything is going to be okay. Just hold him until it is over and then watch him as he enters that deep sleep. I'm beginning to know it all well now. What will happen and how to handle it. I know it too well. Because I want to scream that this is NOT okay. This is not what being a mom is all about, is it? Or is it. Is being a mom really less about our expectations of chubby grins and little people kisses and more about a deep love that is willing to go places we never thought we would venture? Is it about flexibility and adapting to some very unique situations? We all have them - circumstances that we never expected. And I believe true motherhood has alot to do with the unexpected. The things our kids teach us. The places they have brought us and the ways they teach US to grow.

The lady who is having a hard time returning from Christmas vacation...

So, yeah - apparently this lady is finding it a *little* difficult to get back into the whole "schedule" thing after our extended Christmas break. I was into some what of a routine - {finally} - before December 22nd hit. And then we saw that a snow storm was headed for Iowa right when we were, so we left two days early. And ever since then I have been OFF from my schedule. It was lovely to be relaxed and not have to be on a schedule, but ...REALLY - it is time to enter reality again. And to sum it up - I am just having a hard time doing that.

In the midst of it all we have had:

Christmas Treasured time with my family - all of whom I already miss horribly Two birthdays {A bit of crying when I realize it was really three...} Many memories from 7 years ago {Good, bad, heart wrenching, joyful...} Dr. appointments Scheduling medical testing for K A Laid back New Years Eve {Putting the boys down early and having hours of fun welcoming in 2010 in an old school tetris battle} Celebrating a fresh new year - so full of possibilities!! Struggling with a little bit of exhaustion Trying to whittle away at those last ten pounds of baby weight Becoming a human pacifier Watching God blow our minds with unexpected financial blessings

And I could have blogged about it all in detail. I'm just seriously having some time management issues. I love to write. I love to take pictures. I love to scrapbook and call friends and send cards and do crafts. Right now, I am just struggling to keep the clothes and dishes clean. Yesterday I told Dave that my cleaning has regressed from keeping things clean, tidy, and organized to simply making paths so we can walk through our house.... *shudder* Oh dear me. Here it goes - I am going on the record saying that having four kids - busier and more time consuming than I ever imagined. That's kind of hard for me to admit, but honesty is always the best policy, no? So, as I enter this NEW year, I am trying to figure out what things I need to implement, add, delete, rectify, forfeit, and change to make everything work the way it needs to. I am praying for wisdom and fully expecting good results. And hopefully I will get things figured out so that I can keep up the maintenance work of home and family while still carving out a little bit of time for the special things that I just love...

{7}

I received the new Kutless worship CD from my sister Trish for Christmas. We both just love the song on it "What Faith Can Do". As Trish and I were hanging out during our Iowa vacation last week we were listening to the song and as the lyrics really sank in we looked at each other and said, "Caleb!". So today, on our little miracle boy's 7th birthday (don't even get me started on how strange that feels to me!!) those lyrics kept replaying through my mind...

Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing You will find your way If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains Hope that doesn't ever end Even when the sky is falling

And I've seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds

You do have a chance (That's what faith can do)

When the world says you can't It'll tell you that you can! pause playlist at the bottom of this page to hear this song

My memories of 2009

It started with testing for our six year old K A psyche eval and preparation for school The results made us laugh and just nod our heads "He thinks out of the box and won't follow the rules" There was nothing astounding to their 'brilliant' conclusion of course we already knew That our K is anything but typical And each month that truth only grew A birthday came and then went for me I said good bye to year 27 And it was right around that very time I grew suspicious of a gift straight from heaven Upon our confirmation of a new little babe Our hearts were hopeful yet scared For only 8 short months before this great news A stinging loss for us had been shared But this baby we saw with a strong beating heart And to our knees we fell with great bliss We knew that each one of our prayers were heard How we thanked God for this precious gift! To rejoice in eight years of being husband and wife He and I took a train to the city "Just us" in Chicago - what a nice treat! He had to deal with his wife being giddy God continued to tug on my heart frequently To look past myself and reach out In the interfaith shelter and mentoring teens Demonstrating what His love is about Times with my family brought so many smiles Camping and trips to the zoo Such things can make for some memorable moments With boys who are 6, 4, and 2! Meeting new friends from the blog to real life On a cross state adventure I went My brain sharing Jackie and dear sweet Amanda Sharing hearts made that time quickly spent Swimming lessons for Jay, daddy's wilderness trip, Family reunions and some more just plain busy It was a whirlwind of fun with a touch of pure crazy That at times made me just a bit dizzy Jay started preschool tears stung my eyes When right before me I saw The time flying by It was hard to believe that our oldest was ready To start a new chapter in life Off to kindergarten he went with his signature grin And I prayed he would learn, grow, and thrive It boggled our minds to see some new symptoms Presenting themselves in our K 'Seizure activity' was what they said was most likely Although questions remain to this day I was out of my comfort zone a couple of times As I stepped in front of a microphone Speaking to parents steeped in deep grief And for those with no voice of their own A beautiful highlight of 2009 Arrived in the middle of fall A sweet blue eyed boy with a head full of hair Was excitedly welcomed by all And suddenly my world seemed to be on fast forward As I learned to be the mommy to four I blinked and it seemed that the year had flown by Each day I have learned so much more 2009 was indeed a great year And my hopes are really quite high That 2010 will be at least just as sweet And that our God will be more glorified