Do you see it?

The "big boy" looks emerging all over my baby boy.

Yeah. It's pretty obvious. He's growing up big time.

I was hanging out with K and Kai while we were waiting for Jay at swimming lessons this afternoon and I just glanced over at my little boy, formerly known as my baby.

I saw this.

I just about gasped out loud. -And it wasn't because of how dirty my stroller was.

It was because I swear I just brought this cuddly bundle home...

Yeah, pretty sure it isn't supposed to go this fast. Pretty sure.

We prayed, He answered - He's good like that

He spent about 24 hours in the hospital. Some of it is routine for him now - but it still makes a mommy's heart skip a beat every time he gets wheeled into the operating room. I'm guessing that never goes away.

Lots of answered prayers going on here. Every thing went very smoothly with K's surgery. He didn't want to wake up after surgery and we had to wait a couple of hours for any kind of stirring from him in recovery - but the peaceful rest was really good for him. Between the recovery stage and getting admitted into a room his pain medication wore off and we witnessed some intense pain from him (hard for me!). Once that kicked in though - he did phenomenally well! Sitting up was obviously painful for a while, but he is in the room next to me right now and he is sitting and scooting around just like pre surgery. 

Also, I wasn't sure how very-active-and-newly-mobile Kai would handle being stroller bound for a very long day at the hospital. Let me tell you - this little man just impressed me to no end with his sweet, quiet cooing, patience in hours of waiting around, and disarming smiles to all who would happen to look his way. He took his naps in his stroller and never fussed one little bit. Wow! *Big sigh of relief*

Kai and I left the hospital around 5:45 pm and I went to pick up Noe and Jay from Grandma's house. They had a wonderful day and we are so grateful for Grandma's willingness to keep them all day. That made everything much more manageable for us!

(A good bye kiss from a tired mommy)

Dave spent the night with K and proved, once again, to be super dad. He called the nurses about 20 minutes before the pain medication was to wear off and let them know they needed to get in there asap. He called and ordered pop tarts for a super hungry boy immediately after getting into their room and he set up the lap top with Little Einstein movies right away. This little boy was taken care of in the sweetest way! Love that man. Love this boy. We are blessed...

He does it anyway

Per.sev.er.ance  (pur'se-vir'ence)

n. Steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or purpose. Steadfastness esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

Using his right hand is an awkward, frustrating, and at times agonizing action for him

But he does it.

Sometimes they ask him to do it over and over and over.

And he does.

Do we hear complaining? - You bet!

Does he get really creative in offering excuses to not do as instructed and revert to using his left hand? - Oh how did you know?! 

My favorite from yesterday: Occupational therapist - "K, you need to grab the butterfly with your RIGHT hand not your left."

K, leveling with him by direct eye contact: "It  Is  Resting right now!"

His O/T and P/T had to seriously hold in their giggles as they tried to be firm and serious with him.

Complaints are scattered in there, he lets out a long sigh every now and then, but he works hard and he sticks with it.

Even at my age I can not begin to imagine what it is like to try to move muscles that aren't getting all of the needed signals from the brain. It is not natural, it is not fluid, it is not smooth. It is not easy.

And he is seven.

And he is doing it.

*Would you pray for our family as K goes in for surgery tomorrow at noon? Dave, Malachi, and I will be spending the day at the hospital with K and then Dave will be spending the night there while I come home to tend to the other guys. Noe and Jay will spend the day with their grandma.

K's surgery is considered fairly minor - but surgery is surgery and when it comes to my kids there is no such thing as minor surgery.

We are SO grateful that he has been eating everything on his own for almost 2 years now and that his feeding tube was able to be removed. However,when the feeding tube was removed it was expected that the hole in his stomach would just close on its own. The feeding tube was removed in February and there is still a hole and some leaking. Due to this he will have to have surgery to stitch his digestive tract as well as stitches to close the hole on the outside of his stomach.

Thank you so much for caring and praying for our little boy.

My Noah Ben

Three and a half.

Why wouldn't we wear a black and red polka dotted tie with a blue, red, green, and yellow striped t-shirt?

No reason my little one. No reason at all. You just go ahead and exert your creative uniqueness. I will not stand in your way.

You want to wear it every single day? 

Go for it.

So full of personality. 

Learning who you are.

A sensitive spirit to the core.

So much of mommy packaged up in this one.

The tears come quickly and easily.

Hurt feelings and not wanting to be left out.

Wanting so badly to please.

Refusing to put your clothes or shoes on until you know they are just right.

Yes dear one - tag goes in the back. 

Left foot left shoe. Right foot right shoe.

And no, it doesn't matter with socks.

For real - you can relax a little bit here. Cool little fact: It truly doesn't matter which sock goes on which foot.


Such soft spoken articulate speech.

My boy who began having conversations with me some where between 12 and 18 months of age...

I love our conversations!

Fully potty trained and oh-so-proud of it. (I'm proud too. So proud of you!)

Could have picked anything for your "staying dry all of the time"  prize .

You picked underwear. 

Yes, nice, new, colorful, Thomas the Tank Engine underwear.

Not a toy. Not a new book. Or ice cream.

Underwear.

Very fitting for sure.

And that is how your {3 1/2 year old} mind works.

Perfect.

Oh those eyes!!

They are expressive beyond measure. 

Blue like the ocean, changing with your moods like the tides.

You have a pout that could not be more obvious.

And a smile + giggle that could not be more endearing.

I have yet to see a highly stubborn streak in you.

But those tears - oh my the tears...

You sit with K and give him a buddy.

You make baby smile.

You shadow Jay in every way that you possibly can and bask in his approval.

Praying to Jesus in a simple faith.

A faith that doesn't have to have all of the answers, but knows that Jesus will fix it.

I love your prayers!

Always the one to run back down stairs at bed time to tell me you love me.

-One more time.

Always sensing.

Knowing when mommy is tired, hurting, needing those extra hugs.

That's you.

Initiating loving words and actions exceedingly more than any one else I have ever seen at {3 1/2}.

Because it is your niche. It is your gift.

You are my gift. 

Loving you so at {3 1/2}.

Blessed by the men in their life

I am so happy for my boys - because they are just blessed, blessed, blessed by their two grandpas and their amazing daddy! Their Michigan grandpa  and their Iowa grandpa are both SO loved for the things that make them uniquely who they are.

And as for their daddy - wow, he just continues to generously exceed my expectations daily at this being a dad thing. He is wonderful.

We had much to celebrate yesterday. And it was a good day.

All the good -

And then there are the days where life is just grand.

A half work day Friday for hubby -

Going here -

Chill-axin' alot like this -

Lots of play time like this -

Enormous amounts of sun.

Even a garden party and babies making new friends.

Lots and lots of good.

Even the inconveniences of the weekend  {ie -a bad storm Friday night knocking all of our power out at 8 pm and a power company with an estimated power restoration time of 10 pm Sunday...} have made for some very creative family time.

Pancakes made with our camping stove on our deck? Let's do. Candlelight? Always a yes!

Time to save battery power - signing off to jump into the pool.

Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's lonely.

So here's the deal. I have this boy who is such a miracle. He was born at 25 weeks. As most of you know - a normal pregnancy is 40 weeks long. For real - that is 15 whole weeks premature.

So we've established this many times on the blog. He is one of the biggest miracles I have had the privilege of experiencing and being a part of.

But right now... my miracle boy is hard. He's 7 and he's attitude and he's smart yet so very different from other boys his age and I am at a loss when it comes to so much that pertains to him right now. And some times he thinks the world revolves around him... and since it pretty much did for a while I can't really blame him too much.

My love for him is big. It's really big. And you already know that. My frustration and puzzlement over what is best for him and how to deal with situations and circumstances that I never mentally practiced for is also big right now.

I always try to include him in things the other boys do. And lately it's just been hard. He asks to do things that they want to do - fishing, playing at the playground, playing ball outside, etc. And then once he's out there doing those things he complains. He wants to go in. He sees it - the fact that he can't run. He can't catch the ball quickly and effortlessly like the other boys. Oh - it hurts my heart. He is so much a part of me and I feel it. I have always tried to celebrate what he CAN do. Focus on the positive. Never say the words to him "you can't".

Let me just say - right now I am weary. And as he gets bigger there are honestly things he just can't do. So I see a moment of disappointment flash through those hazel eyes and then I see him just go into this internal world where there are little Einsteins and Veggie Tales... and happy places that he sees clearly in his mind even as his eyes struggle to function.

I think in that world he runs really fast. I think he uses the bathroom just like his 3 year old and 5 year old brothers do and I think the right and left sides of his body are both functioning fully there.

Tears fall from this mama's eyes as she writes, because these were scenarios I never imagined grappling with when I dreamt of motherhood. I want so much what is best for him. And how hard it is for me to suddenly say "I don't know what that is. I don't know what that looks like right now".

And do I dare open this up? The side of me that is saying "it's hard!" - Rather than the side that says "it's beautiful and miraculous!"

I want him to learn responsibility. I am giving his brothers jobs to do and they are thriving. But you guys, he can't dress himself, he can only see arms length and what he can see is not clear at all {this is our present understanding of his vision any way. He is actually labeled "legally blind"}, his right side is so weak - and we can do things to help strengthen it some, but it will always be very difficult for him to use the right side of his body. What happened to him when he was 3 days old has many different scientific and medical terms - but it was basically a stroke.

It used to be no big deal for me to hoist him onto a slide or carry him over an area that was too hard to maneuver a walker over. He's alot bigger now. I'm not exactly a strong mama. Honestly, I am only double his body weight + about 12 pounds {- Always been a bit of a weakling}. And I hate that I can't help him as much as I used to. I can't even tell you how badly I feel about it. My chiropractor would tell you though that I have got to make smart choices regarding what I do with him. He has rolled his eyes at me a time or two when I have answered his questions about how my body got so out of alignment.

Too often K just gets to do what he wants. Watch his movies, play his computer games (with his left hand), and not be a part of what everyone else is expected to do. I don't want that - and yet when I try to include him my plans rarely work at all.

I am asking God for wisdom, creativity in doing this, and just so much grace.

Lately I have noticed this little feeling creeping in to my heart. Loneliness, and a little bit of isolation. I am not going to let these feelings be my master. But I have to be honest and say that I am struggling with them right now. The play dates, all of the summer activities... with two who aren't walking (K walks, but still with his walker and needing assistance in many places) and all of the things that K struggles to do on his own it isn't very practical for me. The times that I have gone out and tried to do things with all of the boys have often become very stressful. I don't want to go out and do something if I am not going to be able to safely and confidently handle the entire scope of it.

Oh and in my heart... deep down in that place of knowing: I know that I am doing exactly what I am called to do. Exactly. I don't know the details of each day in and day out parenting decision as I trudge the waters of having a child with special needs (I always hesitate to use that phrase - because I see each one of my children as having "special needs" - but I use it with K because it is universally understood). But I know that God picked me. And I know that he gave me the grace to do it. And I know that God picked K. And I know that God gave K the grace to be patient with a mama who is learning, and struggling, and sometimes is weary

*Persevere, persevere, persevere*

And as I persevere I drive to the speech therapy play group where an occupational and speech therapist works with him and a few other kids with similar issues as him.

I schedule surgery number 9. Nine surgeries for a 7 year old makes me feel sad - but boy do I know there are many worse off by far! This is simply a surgery to stitch his digestive tract and stomach where his feeding tube site never closed on it's own as it was supposed to.

I bring him to occupational and physical therapy as we continue on in this deep desire to strengthen all that we can on this boy whom we love so deeply.

And I pray. Doing alot of that over him lately.

244 days of Kai

At 8 months of age you...

...Are incredibly wiggly. Like, must be watched closely even when you are in our arms or you will maneuver your body out - wiggly



...Like to wash things. I know - odd. You pull yourself over to the container of wipes, get one out, and start washing everything in sight. I will likely be trying to nurture this quality and use it to my advantage one day.

...Still have the scent of heaven lingering in your hair. I inhale it deeply every time you are in my arms. I know this won't last forever, because the longer you are here on earth the more that scent fades.- But for now, it is my bliss.

...Think that "outside" is magic. You are thrilled from head to toe when you: a) look out a window, b) hear some one say "outside", or c) {The ultimate} enter into the great outdoors for yourself.

...Just got broken of the hideous habit of spitting out every.single.spoonful of your baby food. Mommy thanks you kindly. And thanks your daddy who took over the feeding for a while and some how convinced you to stop the spitting.

...Still do not sleep through the night.

...Have the flexibility of a gymnast. When I see you sitting in your highchair sucking on your big toe I am duly impressed.

...Trump my groggy in the early morning with an alert happy.

...Love food. Plain and simple.

...Still nurse 6-7 times in a 24 hour period

...Are so ticklish - and you produce giggles that seem to come from deep in your belly.

...Adore your brothers - being especially attached to K right now. Unfortunately he is not all that fond of you in your getting-into-everything-including-his-beloved-Little-Einstein-computer stage. Watching you follow him around in your army crawl style is priceless though.

...Don't use a bottle anymore. Sippy cup all the way.

...Remind me most of Jay when he was your age. Lots of pros and cons there.

...Have no teeth.

...Have already had your first haircut. -And still have more hair than some two year olds. Your hair is beginning to have some dark red tints and your eyebrows have a red tinge as well.

...Weigh 18 lbs 12 oz.

...Have the most fascinating ability to use your legs and feet as if they were arms and hands.

...Hold your mommy's heart in the palm of your hand.

I hope some day you will have the slightest idea of how much joy you bring into my life.

On choosing

When Dave and I had only been dating for a short time we began talking about lasting love. How to make love last. What it takes. We both expressed our beliefs to one another that love is a choice.

The feelings of infatuation, admiration, (dare I say) lust, attachment, companionship - these are all good, fine, and fun in the appropriate time and place. But alot of these? They are feelings, or at least based on feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions can change like the weather. They are not lasting.

Revealing my naivety big time here: I was so wrapped up in the "feelings" of love while Dave and I were dating and engaged that even though I declared my beliefs on love being a choice, I secretly held to the ideal that surely I would never have to make that choice. It would always just be there. It would be different for us. It was all just so...right. ;)

And it was good. And we held on to a fun love for each other. Until it wasn't.

And the same year that we celebrated our second anniversary and I turned 22 we became the parents of twin boys that had combined weights of less than 3.5 pounds. We faced decisions regarding our children that ripped our hearts out. We watched our son die. We buried him. We faced the intimidating prospect of raising a son with special needs. We would grow closer and then further apart. We grieved together, and yet we grieved so differently. We found some things out about each other that we hadn't known. And we didn't like. We held tight to each other and then we hurt each other - and then we reached out to one another.

And I will never forget the first time that I had to choose.

I remembered it. I remembered it all. The conversations about love being a choice.

The smug smile.

Of course it is a choice - but...

Not us.

Not me.

Not this.

This is so, so good!

And there I sat on the edge of our bed. Tears blurring my vision. Trying to pray and having no words.

It hit me square in the stomach. Like a punch I wasn't ready for and couldn't defend myself from.


I don't feel love for him right now.

I shuddered inside and I felt guilty and I felt like a failure and I kind of wanted to throw up.

But then I chose.

At that moment I didn't have infatuation and I had anything but admiration.

But I had loyalty and I had love. I didn't have the kind of love that says "You are the sweetest guy in the universe and when you touch me I forget to breathe!" It was a love that was saying "I entered into a covenant relationship with you that only death can break. In our vows we said that we would be loyal to one another in all things and in all circumstances. We made those vows before God. I'm going to love you. I'm going to love you. I'm going to love you."

And heaven knows there have been countless times when he has had to choose.

Choose me and my selfishness - all of the sin nature one can think of wrapped up in skin - striving for victory and named Wendi... he has to choose to love that every day.

And he does.

Over and over and over.

And the more we choose, the more we feel. The more we feel the less often we have to choose.

Choosing can be hard. It can seem impossible sometimes. And every now and then - well, sometimes we will choose and then "forget" . Or more likely refute our own choosing. And we have to consciously make that choice several times per excruciating hour.

This kind of choosing requires a selflessness that is not possible in and of ourselves. It's all God - it has to be.

And the rewards? I can't even find the words.

It's exquisite.

Right now I feel alot of love for him. Infatuation even. Admiration - you bet!

But I know that there's going to come a day when I will be sitting on the edge of the bed with my vision blurred on account of the tears. Because my imperfect husband is married to an imperfect woman. It's going to happen again. And I am not going to like it one bit.

But see? I am going to know that it's going to be okay. I am going to know that we will be okay. Because of the choosing. We have the tools to weather the storm.

Will we use them?

It's all a choice.

To do:

Monday morning after a busy weekend always brings the "to do list" front and center.

What's on mine today?

So glad you asked.

1. Breakfast of oatmeal, blueberries, and yogurt out on the deck in the early morning sunshine - Check

2. Take the boys on another walk (see picture in my previous post for the visual on how that works). -Check. We walked about a half mile again.

3. Find JOY in the middle of the laundry pile. It's gotta be there somewhere. - Not even started yet.

4. Vacuum all of the floors until all of that lovely sand from that delightful sand box outside can not be felt under my feet inside at all any more.  -Yeah,  I'll get to it at some point.

5. Sneak a piece of rhubarb pie that my hubby made last night. Check. ...But this one is so important I really should do it at least two more times. I mean really - I did take that walk. Pushing a 47 pound K and wearing an almost 18 pound Kai. Up some pretty big hills.

5b. Stop justifying bad behavior. - ...Whatever.


6. Pay cell phone bill that I have been thinking about for the past four days - but never actually did. - Um, yeah, really need to do that. Now.

7. Start schedule toilet training with K. - Partial check. In the midst of the beginning steps. I've read a couple of books on this. Apparently it is possible to toilet train someone who does not have the physical feelings which signal your body when it needs to go or has gone. Time consuming? Check. Intimidating? Check. Possibility that it won't work. Check.

8. Work with Noe and Jay on the fun and exciting adventures in alphabet learning. - Still to do

9. Come up with a filling lunch for three boys who are big hungry from much exercise. - Almost there.

10. Continue study of kinsmen redeemer.  - Once all boys are down for a nap and I have more than a few minutes to focus. Except that all of the boys no longer go down for naps. Just going to have to focus as much as possible. Hopefully more focused than I am right now.

11. Kiss my hubby in a there-is-no-question-he-is-very-loved kind of a way when he walks in the door. - Can't wait!

12. Get ready for work at The Center For Women - for the first time in 3 weeks. It has been too long and I miss it terribly! - Can't wait!

13. Be amazed and surprised by everything that God is going to do while I am volunteering. - As always, it's going to be good!

14. Crawl under my favorite red sheets, very exhausted, really, really fulfilled., and so ready for sleep. - Still to do.

What's on your list today?

Summer vacation: Day 1

I think we are going to like it.

The one where the baby decides he's ready for a little skateboardin'

What makes me think that we

are in

for a crazy ride

with this one?

Really...

Why would I ever think such a thing as that??

Do you know what I think?

I think that long weekends, which start with kiddos and hubby coming home at 10:30 on a Friday morning and end at bedtime on a Monday night, may be one of my favorite things ever.

I think that little boys with sticky faces from smore's may be one of the silliest and sweetest sights ever.

{I think that s'mores is a word and will choose to ignore the squiggly red line under it}

I think that when there are tragedies all around me Jesus takes my face in his hands and turns my eyes upon Him in a way that changes me for the better. I can not even begin to tell you all of the deeply troubling news I have heard in just a short 2 week time span. So much sad.

I think that watching a little one {who has been crawling backward for two months but just could not get forward motion} finally realize that he can pull himself forward all over the house is stinkin' hilarious! I would call his crawl the 'spazy army crawl'. The entertainment level is really great. He is so excited that he just kinda cruises in this unbounded flurry of energy. Good, good stuff.

I think that summer time is definitely good.

I think that I am married to a man who makes my life quite beautiful. I love finding out new things about him and loving him deeper all the time.

I think that I am {finally} getting more energy. So much so that my mind is imagining all of the many many ways that I can delve into spring cleaning. So much needs done. I will not even get half of it completed - but I know I will make some progress this month.

I think that it is funny to feel "nesty" without the pregnancy.

{I think that spell check needs to leave me alone! I do not mean "nasty" I intentionaly typed "nesty". So go away! And take your little squiggly red line with you!}

I think that being organized is my happy place.

I think that Noe at age three is going to nullify my previous stance that three is not an agreeable age whatsoever.

I think that NeedToBreathe is one of my favorite bands at the moment. And Tenth Avenue North. And Sanctus Real.

I think that baby Kai is looking more and more like my baby pictures.

I think that the antique coffee grinder we discovered in our basement could likely be the coolest gadget we will ever find

.

I think that I am going to enjoy some of that freshly ground/brewed coffee right now while I giggle and watch a little 7 month old propel himself around my house.

And I think that today is going to be a really nice day.