2 homes

9:30 pm December 30th - After 11 hours of travel I am finally 30 miles from "home". My Michigan home that is. With every mile traveled I am that much closer to "home" ... and that much further from "home". Not being exactly sure of how to deal with the tired, the exhaustion, the confliction, the emotions, I slouch down in my small space (so snugly situated in the front seat of the truck between Dave in the drivers seat and Jay's booster seat), and give in to the tiny tears that have been threatening to fall. My muscles ache to stretch out and suddenly I feel way too closed in. Eleven hours is a long time to be so cramped. I love the people I am in such a small space with - but really, at 10 weeks, 3, 4, and 6 years old (and we couldn't forget 37) they are no longer happy about our journey either. We all want our beds. The week we spent with my family in Iowa was wonderful. Full of every thing that a holiday with people you really love should be. Coming home is a good thing too, but how to deal with the strange mingling of exhilaration for a new year with our happy family of six, and the ache of longing for what was my home for 20 years- my Iowa home, continues to pester me. I go through it every time - especially the times I go "home" for longer than 3 or 4 days. Old places, old friends, people who really get me - because they knew me forever, memories... all of these things can take hold of my heart and send it into a bit of a spin. 30 minutes though - in 30 minutes I will open the door to my home. The one that has become a part of me for almost nine years now. I will unload every thing but the kitchen sink - as it surely seemed that is what we had to bring for 6 people and 9 days. I will prepare 4 little boys for bed in the home where we welcomed each one of them into our family. The ache for my other home will still be there, but so will the excitement and joy that I have here. It's just a part of my life. Of course I will smile in the evening when I think of all the evenings I adopted the routine of having a cup of tea (or two or three) with my mom in my parents cozy home this past week. I will probably put the pot of water on to boil here in this home 500 miles away and know she is doing the same. I will hold the memories close and try to appreciate the good thing that I have instead of giving in to the ache. Because home is a good thing - a beautiful thing, and what could be better than having two?

{3}

Noah Ben, You came into this world on a chilly, but pleasant December morning {morning by only 22 minutes}. So close to Christmas. By far the best gift I could ever receive. No Christmas gift can ever top the one I received on December 22nd, 2006. You. You came into the world gently with sweet little gurgles and a low key cry.

 So different then your brother K's scary entrance into the world. So different than your brother Jay's tumultuous screaming entrance into the world. You were you. And you were unique, content, and lovely in every way.

Your name means comforter, and you have lived up to that definition time and again in your THREE years. When you were only a wee little 6 week old, and K had to have emergency brain surgery, I could not be there for him because you needed me. And I held you so long and so tightly while I waited for phone updates form your daddy. Your warm cuddly little body was the best comfort I ever could have received at that time. God knew. And he blessed me during those long hours through you.

When you were 18 months old and we found out that another little babe inside of mommy did not have a beating heart - I held you so long and so tightly. You will never know the comfort you brought to my heart. But, it was like some how you did know. You were a squirmy active toddler, but for hours on that day you were still in my aching arms. You comforted me.

In you I see so much of me. The compassion is wonderful. The sensitivity is sweet. Oh, but how I pray you will be able to stand strong against the hurts of life. I know exactly how it is to be sensitive to a fault - and part of me feels bad to see that fault in another person. You. It can be used for so much good. And I pray that we will take the wisdom God offers and guide your dear little heart in a direction that will bring glory to Him.

Your huge eyes sparkle so beautifully when you laugh.

Your smile makes every one around you smile.

Your imagination is so very entertaining!

You always talk about "your project" -and no one really knows exactly what that "project" is. The funny thing is - I don't think you even have a solid definition of it. -because it seems to change each day. Sometimes your project has to do with singing, sometimes crafts, sometimes toys, games, or something completely made up.

You, my child, are a charming and engaging little man. You can also be whiny, fussy, demanding, and just a tad frustrating {in your not-so-charming moments}. But, in all of your moments, good and bad, we love you deeply. Always and forever. No matter what. Because you are you. Happy third birthday!!

And we all know what would happen to the population if guys could give birth

A certain darling-cute and feisty 4 year old has expressed to me in recent months his desire to have a baby. I have wholeheartedly been encouraging him in this - stressing how wonderful it will be when he is married someday (a LOOONG time from now), for him to be a daddy. -Never imagining that what he meant was that he wanted to give birth to a child... As this little bit of truth began to come out I had to break the news to him. "Sweetie, God designed ladies to have babies, not boys." "WHAT?!" "Yes, you can get married to a wonderful lady someday and she can have a baby that you both will take care of and love!" "WHAT?! You... you mean I can't have a baby in my tummy? ...EVER?!" People, I am not kidding, he got real tears in his eyes... "Sweetie, listen, I don't think you really want to have a baby in your tummy. You will some day get to enjoy having a baby, without going through the hurts of giving birth to the baby. Believe me Jay, it's a sweet deal. God knows what he is doing. Let's not question that bud." *Sigh* "I really wanted to have a baby" *Sniff* *sniff....sniff* He then finds some of my nursing pads, sticks them under his shirt and declares, "I can nurse though!" Wow. Okay. So we go through the explanation again of how cool it is that God made things work the way they do, and then going into a little bit more detail of how they work. He gets this big grin on his face. "I DO nurse. I DO!!" At this point, he obviously gets it, but is enjoying the laughter erupting form his mama, which she can.not.stop. And then he proceeds to nurse his stuffed lambie/blankie. Yep, that's my boy. And some day these pictures will be the best black mail ever. And as a bonus, I leave you with cute chubbiness just out of the bath. Yes, we do give him curly mohawks after we bathe him. Really, how could we not when he has all of that thick dark hair?! It's just a given. Speaking of nursing.... Yeah, he ♥'s it. :)

"I'd smile, but my cheeks are too chubby from all that nursing..."

Just don't call me strong...

You can say that I have alot on my plate. That God has given me much. That I have learned alot since I became a mommy. But don't say that I am strong. The scenario has played out a time or two for me~ Some one hears of our twins early birth. About J.D.s death when he was 10 days old. K's tumultuous first months of life. K's significant brain damage. Brain surgery. Seven subsequent surgeries. And they say, "Wow, I could never do that! Better you than me! I'm not strong enough to go through that stuff." Yes, it's been a ride. But it's not because I am strong. No, I did not order all of this. Do not misunderstand; I wouldn't trade my life for all of the "normalcy" this world has to offer. But I never said, "Hmm, I am feeling especially strong today. I think I could handle just being able to bring one of our twins home. So, lets try that - and how about we add a medically fragile child. Oh - what the hey - lets make him really unpredictable, out of the box, atypical, and difficult for even the most educated of doctors to figure out. I feel strong enough to be able to make really hard choices and tough calls. Yep, I can totally do this. I am a power house of wisdom and solid as a rock." Nooooo. You see, when life takes curves you never expected sometimes you don't have a choice. Sometimes it is any thing but your own strength that gets you through. It's just survival. Like a "put one foot in front of the other, make moment by moment decisions" -survival I wish I could say that I did choose it all. That I knew I had the strength to do all of this and with a huge grin and greatly compassionate heart I welcomed it all with open arms. But that wouldn't be true. Some days are harder than others. Tuesday afternoon after getting K off from the bus I immediately noticed some familiar symptoms from him. - And my stomach got kind of tied up in knots. He was trembling, his eyes were moving back and forth much too quickly, he looked really tired. Too tired. I was planning on going to my Center for Women Christmas party - we had a babysitter lined up and everything. Dave called the neurologist. I canceled our plans for the evening. And we watched him. He perked up after a while and we decided he didn't need to go to the ER. This time. But I couldn't help but think about next time... What should we do? Why is it still happening? What exactly is happening? Is it serious? No big deal? Sometimes I just don't feel strong enough... Next time happened to be yesterday. Yesterday his school called and said he was presenting seizure type symptoms. Dave picked him up and brought him home and he vomited and we weren't sure what to do and we called the neurologist again and we made plans for further testing. Last week I sat in the neurologists office and asked questions - really hoping for some more answers. Our neurologist is phenomenal! We really love him. But he looked me in the eye and had to say "I don't know" (one of the reasons he is so great - he honestly tells us when he does not know). "I don't know why he exhibits seizure 'symptoms' over several hours instead of one seizure. I don't know why he went almost seven years with no issues only to have these things show up now. I don't know why he only smiles with half of his face sometimes and other times everything seems fine. I don't know why he goes in and out of these episodes so quickly. I don't know. He is, as he has always been, very atypical. Not textbook at all." One thing he could tell us is that in K's case it does seem like over stimulation and over tiredness can possibly be bringing these episodes on. Today I am not feeling particularly strong. I had to decide whether or not to let him go to awana last night when he really wanted to go. And whether or not he should go to school today - which is his Christmas party. What I should do about Jay's preschool this morning - his Christmas party as well. Noe has been running a fever and coughing horribly... Ughhhh... No, strong is the last word I would use to describe myself right now. You know that song - "His strength is perfect when my strength is gone"? I can relate to every word. Really glad He is strong. Because I am not. And it might make me feel good for a second when people assume I am. But only for a second. Because I know it isn't true. So you can call me loving. You can call me flexible (learning this one). Here's one - how about emotional?! But don't call me strong.

{Two months}

To Baby Kai at two months of age: This month you have begun to do alot of new things. You are changing very rapidly. I have seen this happen with three other little guys, so I shouldn't be surprised, but I still am. You are noticing every thing around you like it is all new and beautiful. You love lights. We're talking a serious obsession with all things bright and lit up. It's the cutest thing! You look at me, make sure you have eye contact, then look at whatever light has gotten your fancy at the time, and then back at me like, "MOM it LIGHTS UP!! For REAL! LOOK AT IT!!" And then you proceed to stare at it with wide eyes until some thing else more important calls for your attention. -Like perhaps a rumbly tummy. Meals are more important than lights. Way more important. How can a mom ever explain with words the love they have for their baby? It's like this soft and silent feeling and this big and tangible warmth. My love for you is huge. The adoration in your eyes is so sweet. You track me with your eyes all around the room. Wherever I go - you make sure you know where it is. Sometimes you have to crane your neck and twist your head at odd angles, but you keep track of me quite well. I haven't figured out yet if it is really me that you are keeping track of, or your beloved food source. :) - Which of course IS me, but I am alot more than just that little buddy (You are, indeed, a boy). Your grins are disarming. Dimpled toothless grins - really, what could be better?? You have just started adding some squeals and coos to those grins. I find myself spending insane amounts of time saying ridiculous senseless phrases and doing cheesy immature things just to get a glimpse of your grin and hear a little coo from you. Crazy what babies do to mommies! Complete silliness! Last night I put all of your 0-3 month clothes away. I thought I would sob. I didn't. It has been really exciting to see you grow and be such a healthy boy. I love the 3-6 month outfits I was able to get out for you. It feels good to be moving forward. Perhaps the tears will come at some point, but right now seeing you mature and sleep more at night is just plain thrilling! (That 6 hour stretch you slept last night - could you do it again, please??! Because those 3 hour periods you like to do sometimes make mom a little grumpy...) We have struggled a bit this month with your tummy troubles and reflux, but I think we are finally getting somewhere with that. Your chiropractor is wonderful and you seem to really like him too. He always warns me that you may be fussy when he adjusts you, but every time you smile at him while he does it. It makes me smile too. We go twice a week and it seems to be slowly making things better and better for you. I still must have a burp cloth handy always, but the spitting up doesn't seem to be bothering you much any more. You are one content little guy. Your hair still gets attention wherever we go. It is so dark and thick! I even use conditioner on your hair when I wash it. I can't help but play with it. After baths you get little mohawks and crazy spiky hairdos. Your brothers and I do enjoy some crazy hair fun with our baby. You just like the attention. :) You have made life very busy for us little man. I still haven't quite learned this "mom to 4" thing very well. I am pretty unorganized and scattered most of the time. Nursing you takes precedence over alot of other things. I am late to almost every thing. We are working on it... *Sigh* Right now you are this cuddly, chubby, little bundle of innocence. Last night I was cradling you close to me. You have this way of just melting into me when I hold you. You are the epitome of softness. My heart did that fluttery sigh that it does when we cuddle. And as I looked at you I thought of the harsh realities of life. You will not always be in the protection of my arms. You will grow up and face a world that is getting farther and farther away from good every day. You will face hurt and sadness. Evil and heartbreak. You will be faced with hard choices and you will be tempted. And I hate that. Oh how I wish I could change that. I would give my very life to take hurt out of yours. But I can't. So, I will do what I can. My God given job of caring for you. Shepherding you. Showing you the way to go. Cheering you on through life's sweet moments. Crying with you through the not so sweet. Letting you go. And loving you fiercely through it all. ~Mommy

{Mobile to mobile}

I am so glad that Dave and I have unlimited free minutes to talk to each other on our cell phones. 'Cause if we didn't we would have a phone bill that would take his entire pay check. And then some. We may be extremely busy and have a million tasks to tend to when we are finally home together, but when he is at work, or one of us is out taking kids to Dr appointments, or our dog to the vet (did ya'll know we have a dog? We do. He's big and his name is Buster), or running errands, we are very often on the phone to each other. Sometimes it is serious stuff; things that need to be discussed and we are afraid we will forget it if we don't grab the phone and get it figured out right then. Sometimes it is when a stressed mommy needs to cool down. So she grabs her phone and finds a quiet place in the house to connect with some one who knows how to calm her down like no one else. And sometimes it is pure silliness. One of our most recent phone convos went something like this: [me] "Is it just me, or are tractors getting bigger?" [Dave] "Hello." [me] "For real. I mean when there is a tractor coming at me and I practically have to get in the ditch and THEY practically have to get in the other ditch just so we can get by each other - well, that should be illegal!" [Dave] "Where are you?" [me] "The intersection of road one (not real road name) and road two (not real road name either). But really, what is up with these monster tractors?" [Dave] "There's usually not big tractors in that area" [me] "Well, there is today! Two of them just went by me. And they just about crushed my van!" [Dave] "Mmm-hmmm" (I'm guessing an eye roll was inserted here) [me] "Love you!" [Dave] "Love you too. Be careful. Bye" Five minutes later: [me] "Hey, can you put that chicken in the oven? I forgot." [Dave] "Hello." [me] "Yeah, the chicken - is there enough time to get that cooked before you have to leave for work again tonight?" [Dave] "I think so. I'll go do that. I love you." [me] "Love you too. Oh my goodness. A huge combine is coming towards me!" [Dave] "Bye honey." (Likely another eye roll) This is how we bond these days. When I see the number of minutes my phone number has been connected with his phone number I often have to laugh. And then thank God they are free minutes. Really - if we can't connect in person - you know, face to face, at least we can connect {mobile to mobile}.

They remind me of everything good in my life

You know those moments when you have had a really long day and you are feeling a little bit grumpy? You might begin to wonder if all of the work you do is accomplishing anything and is it really worth it... ? Then you see something and your whole heart just feels like it is growing. You get a glimpse of some of the very best things about you life and you know it is all so very, very worth it. That happened to me the other day and I just wanted to share.

♥ Wow.

Part of me wants to wonder what I ever did to deserve this beauty in my life. But knowing that there is nothing I could ever do to deserve it makes it all the more sweet.

Thank you Jesus.

And then there came a day when it didn't hurt so bad

{J.D.} It's not for you that I write this - because I know that you don't need my love. You don't need my grief. You don't need my mothering. You don't need to know how we are doing seven years after you briefly graced our lives. You don't need any of it. It's for me. Because every year around this time I think of you more. And I feel a need to get some of those emotions out. It's an outlet for me. So it is that time of year again. The time where memories are more vivid. Where milestones of your short life begin to make an entrance into our days. During the past seven years when mid to late December would roll around I would consciously, and subconsciously, begin to feel emotions of a deep and unpredictable manner. I would often feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. Some times "unexplainable" tears would roll down my face - that upon later analyzation, were not unexplainable at all. They were for you. They were for the days in December that you were so whole and healthy inside of my body. And then the days in January where we watched your life fade. It was on December 20th that we first found out that you and K would likely be born much sooner than you were supposed to be. And we began the fight to keep you safe inside. So each year I remember. But this year is different. There are still strong emotions. But, so far this year my body feels no sorrow on a physical level for you. My heart remembers - and there is a slight ache. But I have to say that the joy with in me leaves little room for sorrow. And there is a slight measure of guilt over that. I know - It's rather ridiculous to feel guilty over not being sad. But this is me isn't it? Very typical thrives-on-guilt me. Every where I look I see the tangible evidence of God's grace and blessings in my life. It feels redemptive. No, your life could never be redeemed by any other lives. You could never be replaced. Ever. But I would have to be insane not to notice the way that God has answered our prayers and multiplied the desires of our hearts since you went to be with him. J.D. - you were my first baby. My first experience with that all consuming love. Nothing and no one can take that special spot in my life and heart. It will always be reserved for you. But this year - well, this year the lights on our tree sparkle down on four smiling faces. One looks just like you. One has many question about you. One can't quite grasp the concept of every thing you were and are to us. One shares your name as his middle name. And in those moments where I expect the sorrow of losing you to weigh me down - those four faces look up into mine and it's just not there. The heavy feeling of loss. The questions of how God could've let this happen... they aren't there this year. To say I am surprised would be an understatement. I hardly remember a December with out these feelings. The healer called time has something to do with it I am sure. Although it seems impossible that 7 years have passed, it is true and with each one of those years the sharpness has dissipated somewhat. The healer called Christ has every thing to do with it. In those early days, weeks, months, and even years, I never could have imagined facing this time of year with gladness. Peace. Joy. But here it is. This year I am smiling when I think of you.

When a boy smiled at a girl

Once a boy smiled at a girl. And she felt her heart flutter a little bit - because she had been waiting for it. His smile could light up a room. And it for sure lit up her heart. And from that smile a whole new world opened up. And the boy who smiled at that girl made her his wife. And they were happy. Really, really happy. And there were alot more smiles from that boy to that girl. And pretty soon lots of little people filled their house up {Because we all know that's how little people start}. And added more smiles. And then one day another boy smiled at that girl. It was a beautiful smile. And she felt her heart flutter a little bit - because she had been waiting for it. His smile could light up a room. And it for sure lit up her heart.

There may be a phrase in this post that makes you want to wash your eyes after they see it...

Can you be run down, exhausted, battling frustration and love your life all at the same time?? I'm going on the record as saying a big fat Yes! I have a cold. The "I'm not really sick, no fever- therefore I don't get to stay in bed, but kinda miserable enough to want to cut my head off" kind of head cold. I'm tired. I'm tired of potty training regression. An almost three year old who SO knows better and still insists on going to the bathroom IN THE FRONT PORCH. -Even when it takes longer to walk to the front porch than the bathroom. HELLO little buddy - MOMMY DOESN'T HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR THIS RIGHT NOW!! So, I am doing what any, at the end of her rope sane, mild mannered, patient mommy would do. Putting him back in diapers. Okay, just don't judge. I loathe cleaning poop out of underwear. Until he is really really ready, we just aren't doing this anymore. I have so many goals each day that do not get met. And that has been hard for me. But how can I get the floors vacuumed and mopped, the shopping done, professional looking cookies baked and decorated (hahahaha!), when I am cleaning all matter of grossness from my body, their bodies, and the floor? Sometimes it's when they don't make it to the bathroom, sometimes it's when I forget to grab a burp cloth - but so often in my day I am cleaning up, mopping up, scrubbing... stuff (and I really am trying to avoid using the phrase "cleaning poop out of underwear" again, because I know when you read that phrase in the previous paragraph you grimaced and wished you had never read that). And here is what is hard to understand: I absolutely love my life! I am crazy about these boys. I would clean up all sorts of nasty for the rest of my life if it meant I could be close to them, be the one who gets the home made ornaments, be the receiver of little boy hugs and sloppy kisses, be their mommy! On days when I feel the need to throw something or yell really really loud (wow, that would feel good!) I just need to reflect on how much I love this. How I chose this and would choose it all over again. How many people would give any thing for this -(well, minus the bodily function in the article of clothing...). How privileged I am. Welcome to my contradictory life. Thank you for being a part of this segment of time where I am reminding myself how much I love it. I'll check back later. I have some laundry to tend to... you know, those things with that stuff in them.