Thanksgiving weekend {2009}

I started writing a "thankful" post the day before thanksgiving. I re-read it and it just fell so short of what was really in my heart. It was so cliche. It was "Oh, I am so thankful for my wonderful family..etc...etc..." Nice stuff really, it just did not even come close to expressing the depth of true gratitude. At best it was - shallow. For some reason I could not find the right words to bring what was in my heart to life. I just couldn't. I was going to publish it anyway, but my computer started having all sorts of issues and it ended up lost any way. What it really comes down to is my heart overflowing. A God who has surprised me with grace and a measure of joy that really can not be quantified. So, now I will simply share my heart through my camera lens. I didn't get any pictures of our actual Thanksgiving day, but let me tell you - it was just right! The 6 of us relaxed together, watched the parade, had Dave's famous breakfast pizza, then in the afternoon went over to the home of some new friends. Truly lovely! It was so relaxing. Here is the rest of our Thanksgiving weekend!

So much better than "less yucky" - because God generally goes beyond "less yucky" when blog readers pray

Wow is there alot going on in my heart! Changes. Good things that needed to happen. And let me just say - I know these good things would not taken place if life wouldn't have taken that yucky curve I recently talked about... Re-prioritizing life can be a very good thing indeed. Painful though it may be - it can be so refreshing. We are still in the midst of some decision making on many fronts, but I feel like a great measure of peace has returned to our household. We had a much needed, calm, laid back weekend. It was just as wonderful as it sounds. Dave was home Friday through Sunday and we planned nothing for those three days except a few fun things and church on Sunday (which is fun too. Not like - fun things, and then the obligatory church attendance). :) That just did wonders for us, for our relationship, for our state of mind, and for our family. Now is where I throw out the accusations about my blog readers. SOME of you must have been praying. When I wrote about the yuckies I was experiencing I was in a bit of a low state of mind. Shortly thereafter I just felt this gentle shifting - and it could only be that of answered prayer. So, whoever you are, thank you so much. Really. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I did my fair share of praying too - but in my exhaustion and discouragement I hardly knew what to pray for. Dave and I literally had hours where we were finally able to get caught up on everything going on in each others lives, decisions that needed to be discussed, and conversations that were overdue. Do you know how good that feels? I hope so! We even had a little stay home date after 3 of the boys went to bed Friday night. We watched a movie (Paul Blart, Mall Cop) shared some popcorn, and had a couple of laughs. It felt normal and good and like "us" again. As for Baby Kai's tummy troubles we are still in process of figuring things out and trying to find solutions. Over the past 18 hours I did a little experiment hoping to get a few answers. I put Kai on the Alimenten formula, for babies who are colicky, have dairy and other allergies, and digestive issues. My understanding is that this is pretty much the best formula you could get for a baby with sensitivity. Well, I got some answers - although it was different than I expected. The bad news: there isn't going to be a quick fix for our poor little guy's issues. The good news: I don't think what I eat was really affecting him much at all. He had the exact same symptoms on the specialized formula as he had when I was nursing him. It seems it is not content that is bothering him, but more of perhaps an immature digestive system or something along those lines. I have to say that although I had hoped the formula would be a simple and "magical" fix for it all, I was relieved. Relieved that it wasn't my milk bothering him, relieved to at least KNOW something, and especially relieved that I didn't have to stop nursing. I did not want to stop - at all, but was willing to if it would help him. It was so great to put the bottles away this morning and have a nursing/cuddling session. He was pretty happy about it too. He didn't love the bottle. He thought it was pretty evil at first. :) When he got really hungry he took it fine, but it took some real convincing to begin with. Those 7 formula feedings were pretty long. First I had to convince him that the bottle was really okay, than I had to wait for him to get the hang of it and actually eat. I didn't know how much he was eating while being nursed, so that took tweaking, then I had to pump, to keep up my milk supply in case things turned out - well, the way they did turn out. So, now we move on to the next thing on our list of "hopeful solutions". I have another chiropractor contact who I will be calling today to discuss whether or not he thinks adjusting Malachi will help with his digestion. I am hopeful about this option. All of our boys have had a degree of reflux or some issues with digestion. K projectile vomited all the time and was on three different meds for it. It took him about a year and a half to get over that. Jay had colic. Plain and simple colic. Tension, arching his back, screaming loudly, but not a whole lot of spitting up. Just to remember it makes me shudder... Fortunately it only lasted about 3 months. Noe had some reflux, but only for a couple of weeks. Now with Kai, he isn't overly fussy most of the time, just alot of this spitting up, choking, sputtering, gagging stuff. Looking back over my experiences I can see that once they got a little bit older they did so much better. My guess is that we will be able to figure a few things out to make it better, but we will probably just have to wait it out before it is completely resolved. Just hang in there time... On the financial front, we are in a time of waiting. We will find out in a couple of weeks whether things will be changing or staying as they are. God is using this time to teach us so much about him, about faith, about losing some security to rely on him, and being the best stewards we can be with what he has given us. Once we know more we will be deciding if another part time job needs to be added to our workload, what other changes need to be made, and what that will all mean for our family. Until we are there though, we will not borrow any worries. {That is a big step for me by the way - the whole not worrying thing. And boy, I am all about security, so I am learning a.lot!} K has been doing great and tomorrow will be his first try at an all day school day. We are all excited to see how he will do. This will open alot more doors of opportunity for his learning and progress. His sleepiness, due to the medication combination he is currently on to prevent seizures, seems to be able to be moderated well with some early bed times and a little extra sleep. All is not perfect in my world, and it just won't be, but all is pleasantly improved at the moment and I didn't want the day to go by with out sharing that. :)

{He &hearts 's cardboard}

Our poor deprived children have no toys. Sadly, they must resort to the desperation of playing with a box.

The yucky ones

Some days I feel so blessed so full so amazed so joyful Life feels just right. And then... Well, then there are the days that are just plain - yucky. You know the ones... yucky really is the only {G-rated} word that you can use to describe them. And boy oh boy have I had a few of those lately. Those days when you find out that financial changes are coming and you may have to be very creative to make ends meet... When you suspect that this may cause many changes and you may just have to give up some things that will be very hard to give up. {And change is not something you love.} When schedules and priorities have to be rearranged. When you find out there is so very little that you can eat that does not cause your sweet little baby to spit up and choke - and spit up, and then do it some more - every two hours - at every feeding. This becomes especially exhausting at night when you must stay alert after feedings to make sure that your sweet little baby is not choking - but is indeed breathing. And that becomes really hard. Like, really, really hard. When you are hungry, but knowing that what you put into your body so affects another precious little body, you just stand at the fridge wondering... And decisions have to be made - like do you need to stop nursing and get the specialized {expensive} formula for babies with really sensitive tummys and possible allergies... And for some reason it just makes you terribly emotional. When you notice that communication is just not happening well between you and your husband. And little things begin to crumble because of it. And it doesn't feel good. {At all.} When you are too exhausted to fix things. When you know you need to talk. And you are way backed up on things that need to be talked about, but this season in life is just full of tired and so full of little ones needing so much. And when the little ones are all tucked in for the night and all is finally taken care of, well - one {or two} of you is asleep. When you try to prevent your child's seizures by a combination of medications which end up making him sleepy. Sleepy is not good when you are finally preparing to extend his school day by 3 more hours. Too sleepy is an overdose. Not enough medication could stop preventing seizures... A rock and a hard place. When you want, so badly, to be intentional in your parenting. to nurture your children spiritually. To focus on their hearts. And you notice that lately all you have been doing is meeting their physical needs. You see they are always fed, have clean clothes, are taken to the bathroom, but beyond that you begin to feel you may be failing them. And it is hard. And you have to combat the guilt. And you have to just fall to your knees. And you must realize that tomorrow is another day. And hope that it will be less yucky. Because sometimes hoping for less yucky is such a vast improvement... But those yucky days, those are the days that your true character comes out. When God shows you the ugly stuff that needs cleaned out. And you know that you would not know what to purge if you were not shown {the yucky}. And you realize this is only a season. And some day you will look back and see it as a growing season.

I &hearts faces - "Autumn Beauty"

Today the theme for the I ♥ faces photography blog is "Autumn Beauty". How fun is that?! I had so many ideas for going out and taking some pictures, but I just didn't have the time or energy to get it done by the dead line, so I am submitting one from last year. One of my very favorites!! Lil' Noe is fully enjoying the wonderful leaf pile. {Wow has he grown alot in the last year!!} Autumn has got to be the most beautiful season ever. And when you add faces to the beauty, as is a requirement in most of the photos submitted to the I ♥ faces blog, it is even that much more beautiful!

So much is in a name

Right now he is one month old. His world revolves around eating, sleeping, being cuddled. Right now he doesn't understand the enormity of our love. He knows that when he needs something we are always there, but he can't grasp the depth of how he has blessed this family. There is so much that I look forward to telling him and showing him. So many, many things. Like how happy we were when we found out he was on the way. How fun it was to tell his brothers about him. How amazed we were at the generosity of friends in providing so many nice new things for him so that he didn't have to use all kinds of hand me downs. And we will tell him about his name. How mommy always goes for these kind of eccentric, imaginative names and daddy prefers classics. How we chose Biblical (all old testament too...) names for the other guys, so we felt like we should continue in that with him. We'll tell him how we both really loved Malachi, because it goes well with the other boys' names - but also fulfills mommy's love for something different. And some day, when he can understand so much more, we will tell him why we chose his middle name and how very, very close to our hearts it is. We will tell him about an incredibly special little boy who first stole our hearts 6 1/2 years ago. We will tell him how his forehead, eyes, and nose look strikingly similar to the features of this little guy. His older brother. Some one who is so closely related to him. Who's presence shaped so much of who his mommy and daddy are. And yet, some one whom he will not ever meet while he is here on this earth. We will tell him how God's blessings poured out on us the night this special little boy became ours. And we will also have to tell him how our hearts broke the day we realized that this special little boy was not ours to keep. Forever we remember him, and now have a little piece of heaven who carries his name. It makes my heart weep and rejoice all at the same time.

{And she starts to feel human again}

I can watch Halmark commercials and only get misty eyes now instead of experiencing the ugly cry. Oh yes my friends - I am now 4 weeks post partum and starting, starting, to feel normal- ish again. YAY! I can not tell you how thrilling this is. We have good nights and bad nights. After a bad night I would beg to differ with the above statement, but last night was the best night we have had yet. Kai went a five hour stretch between nursing and it was wondrous for me. The night before was horrible. Awful. I was up nearly all night. Kai was spitting up like a fountain. Over the course of 8 hours he went through 3 outfits and I went through 2. He was gagging, choking, sputtering, and spitting. I have now taken all dairy out of my diet among other things. He seems to be doing better. I don't know yet what all is bothering him, but I am going through the process of finding out. Kinda limits me - but it must be done. Dave has been so sweet as he watches me go through some of these rough nights. Tuesday afternoon he said was "mine" - to do whatever I wanted. So, of course, I went shopping. And it has been forever since I have done a little fun shopping for me. I got a great new sweater, which incidentally matches Kai's pants in the pictures below, and dark denim jeans, New clothes just make me feel a little more "together" than I have in a while. Yesterday, while Dave was at work, he called his mom and asked if she could come over to the house so I could take a nap. Heavenly! And This little one continues to capture our hearts daily. Four weeks old and 9 lbs. 3 oz. He gained 12 ounces in one week. Oh my. Nice to know all that projectile spitting up is not affecting his growth. I continue to be very infatuated with theses little feet... And loving the little bit of sanity that is returning to our lives...

I &hearts faces - Thankfulness

I am joining the I ♥ faces photography blog today and submitting a picture that speaks of thankfulness to me. We love you baby Malachi Joshua and this year Thanksgiving will mean more to us than ever before because of God blessing us with YOU!

Another aspect to our lives...

So K has been having seizures, and we weren't completely aware of it. I had to just write that out to let it sink in - for me. We suspected it, but had been given the brush off by ER docs a few times. We assumed he must have just been sick, or over tired... or something. Remember the little episode he had three weeks ago? We are now pretty much convinced that was seizure activity. That time the doctors said he must have had a virus... or something. He had a similar episode back in July. That time he was fine when he arrived at the ER, so they only observed him for a while and then sent him home. Wednesday night he was at AWANA when symptoms began presenting themselves yet again. Trembling, paleness, confusion, lack of visual focus, rapid eye movement. Dave brought him home early and we watched him for awhile. Things seemed a little worse than the other times. He began to seem very disoriented. In the past we would have suspected shunt issues. Now we are learning more details. We are more in tune whith his body and his neurological issues. We were pretty sure something else was going on. But the worry and the wondering of what exactly it was made my stomach tie into knots. We went ahead and put him to bed as he seemed pretty tired. But he did not go to sleep. He was wide awake, and really he was just so not right. He vomited a couple of times. He was not himself. I checked on him each time I nursed Kai and through out the night his eyes remained wide open. At the 3 am feeding I heard K's bedroom door open and some one going down the stairs. It was K. It was pitch dark and no lights were on. By the time I found him he had gone all the way down the stairs and was wandering around. So not right. Dave awoke and brought K to bed with us. Through out the early morning hours K went back and forth from a deep sleep to waking up with very off the wall questions and comments. Really not himself. Very confused. Dave and I became more and more concerned. We would have been highly entertained if it weren't for the worry and the seriousness of the situation. As Dave brought K into our room he asked him what room we were in - to test his alertness. He said "The library". Yeah, we don't have a library in our house. K is a tease and he will often say stuff like that to be silly, but this time he was not teasing and he was very sure that he was in a library. We finally got a little sleep. Around 9 am I left with Jay, Noe, and Kai for preschool and Mom's group and Dave left for the ER. This time he headed to the hospital that K was born in. K's neurologist works from that hospital and we hoped he would be able to give some input. Needless to say, it was a long day for each of us. My phone was always very close by me. K had a CT scan, brain x-ray, blood tests, urine tests, and finally an EEG. We have the best neurologist - but Dave was originally told, by the ER docs, that he was not seeing patients that day. God's hand was so evident in the way every thing played out as some how, through Dave's insistence, not only were they able to see the neurologist, he acted as though he had all of the time in the world for Dave and K. He is a very busy man and we usually have to book appointments 6 months in advance. They got in to see him within an hour. Thank you God! Our neurologist was the one who finally gave us the answers we so desperately needed for our little guy. He showed Dave a list of 6 symptoms of a seizure. K had 6 of 6 on Wednesday night. We are now trying a new medication combination for K in the hope that this will stop the seizure activity which he has been having in the last 3 months. Fortunately Our neurologist really put our hearts and minds at ease. It seems crazy to say "a seizure is no big deal" but really, as he was explaining things to Dave, and Dave later explained them to me, we realized that they have not harmed him,will not harm him and are not as intimidating as we had thought. We now know what to look for quite well. We know the difference between shunt failure and seizure activity. What an education! Oh this child. This dear precious little boy has always had a way of keeping us guessing. And right when we think one thing, he changes it up and we must figure out something else. He has confused doctors, charmed nurses, made brain surgeons second guess themselves, and perplexed neurological psychologists. Thank you God for my little mystery. Thank you for teaching me flexibility, refocusing my eyes, helping me to learn to adjust my expectations and just roll with the punches... So I have a child who has seizures. And today is no different than any other day. He is no different than he has always been. Lovable, stubborn, entertaining, silly. That's my K!

He and I...

Someday he and I will look back at the stage in our lives when we felt that heart stopping high of finding out that our lives would be changing forever - and a new one would be entering the world. We will never forget the days of growing. Laughing at how hard it became for me to tie my own shoes or bend down to change a diaper. How I would beg him for a diet coke to go with my home made pretzel. And our hearts will swell at the beauty in our minds as we recall each miraculous birth. J.D, K, Jay, Noe, and Kai. Every time the awe and wonder of the moment filled us with indescribable emotion. So many memories, little and big. So many tears - and grins. Heartbreak and joy. It mingles together in the file of our memories which holds the "baby years". We will look back and remember this season. The season where we are potty training two, transporting one to preschool, and coaching one through kindergarten. The stage where we slip into our room each night beyond any kind of tired we have ever experienced. The nights where we settle in for our daily Bible reading together as a couple and a tiny head rests on the pillow between us. Mealtimes are a flurry of finding sippy cups, cutting up food, encouraging bites, hurrying through so that the baby can get his meal too... And always what will stick out in my mind is he and I. No matter how busy the days are, no matter how sleep deprived we get, no matter how rough of a day it may have been, we are in it together. -Have always been in it together. Some days we "divide and conquer" in a "you take two and I'll take two and we'll get this done!" kind of a way. Other days one of us ends up with the majority of the work load with them all. But it is always a team effort. Last night he just looked at me in that way. The kind of look that makes me self conscious. The kind of look that makes me wish I had spent more time making myself worthy of it. He told me he was amazed by me and how hard I work every day. Tears pooled in my eyes because hearing that was the best possible thing for me at that moment. With out his encouragement I would struggle to do all that needs to be done. With it I feel like I can accomplish so much more. We are in it together. He often takes the three older ones and does something fun with them. Kai and I are pretty attached right now and he knows that his help with the other boys is so wonderful. He has been nothing short of fabulous. I so vividly remember that moment when he was taking K to the ER while I was still in labor an hour and a half away from them. We were on the phone together facing this crazy moment. We couldn't believe it was all happening. I knew he needed to be with K. I didn't want it any other way. I felt his support with me in an almost tangible way. As much as I wanted him there at the birth of our fifth son - he had been/has been so very supportive of me so many times and in so many ways that I was energized and encouraged. I knew I could do it. I knew that even if he wasn't physically by my side - he would still very much be with me. But he was there. And he was amazing. When I thought I didn't have the strength needed to complete the task of bringing Kai into the world - there was his smile. His touch. His words. His sparkling eyes. "You can do this! You are almost there! He is almost here!" And I felt such joy, even in my exhaustion, as I watched him cradle his son in his arms. He is the one there with the tall glass of water when I forget how important it is to hydrate myself these days. He is the one offering me a nap when he has some free time to spend with the boys. He is the one making supper on days when I just don't have the energy for one more thing. He is the reason I am not behind in housework right now. He is the one transporting the older boys to awana at church. When I am frustrated by the "post baby jello belly" he is always there with words of affirmation. And some day - when this stage of life turns to the next, and then the next - when we find ourselves suddenly in our home with out all of this flurry of busy and tasking, when our boys are off trying their wings - we will face each other in a new way. Not as mommy and daddy. Not as nurse and disciplinarian. Not in the way that will have defined us for so long. And I firmly believe that because this has been he and I and because this has been such a team effort, we will embrace that stage of life as well. We will miss the sweet moments with our little boys when they grow up. We will treasure the memories, but then we will smile. We will hold hands and take long walks. No doubt as we read the Bible together daily we will miss that little head that used to lay on the pillow between us. But we will smile over the fact that we can actually be close to one another. Our hearts might ache over the empty bedrooms, but we will know that together with God we were taken on an amazing journey of parenting. And I hope - oh how I hope - that we will be able to take joy in four boys who will wholeheartedly be serving God and seeking Him with all of their hearts. I love this he and I.

Someday...

Someday I am going to look in the mirror and I won't see dark circles surrounding my eyes. Someday baby spit up will not be a permanent accessory to each outfit. Someday regular showers will once again be a part of my daily routine. Someday I will be aware of what day of the week it is, what time it is, when I fed the kids last, when I last ate and what I had. Someday I will not be blinking tears away at commercials, songs, random moments, guilt, love, sweetness, and overwhelmedness. Someday though - someday I won't have the privilege of cuddling newborn softness and sweetness whenever I want to. I won't hear those little new born sounds. I might be a little more together (maybe...) but it's such a trade off. Why couldn't we relish the sweetness of our days of mothering a newborn while we are alert, aware, rested, and (some what) put together? Just like so many other things in this life - their is an upside and downside to everything. Benefits and drawbacks. Never perfection. Because it is this life. On this earth. So, with bags and dark circles under my eyes I will breathe in the perfection of this new life. I may not know what day it is or when I last ate, but in the midst of this foggy season I am determined to enjoy every sleepy moment.

Bringing out the bullet points

• Experiencing really good sleep at night for ten days only to regress to "normal" new-baby-in-the-house sleep patterns is hard. Honestly - it's just mean. Don't give me false hope of nights of sleep just to take it away. Don't do that.
• Apparently our little one is working on not being so little any more. I'm thinking a growth spurt is what is to blame for the newest sleep habits. He went from eating 2 to 3 hours during the day and 4 at night - to every 1 1/2 to 2 hours 'round the clock. - Not something I will let him do for a long time, but he seems to really need it right now. And oh my, he is not messing around any more when it comes to eating! No more squeaks and grunts when he is hungry - the full fledged screams have come out - followed by the most aggressive eating from a baby I have ever experienced! Don't be surprised to see chub all over him very soon.
• Being a "factory" that must make that much milk each day is taxing to ones mind and body.
• There is a silver lining to every thing - I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks.
• Having a 24 hour retreat at a restful lodge with like minded sweet women, who I volunteer with, and being pampered was such a treat this weekend.
• Having very little sleep during the retreat (Baby Kai was with me...) was hard.
• Melting down during our prayer time at the retreat on Saturday was a ... humbling... experience.
• Realizing that it is okay not to be strong all the time was a good lesson for me.
• Evidently nobody expects me to be strong all the time - and especially not right now. Who knew?! I was talking to some lades at church this morning and they asked how I was doing. I was about to throw out a "I'm great", but then looked them in the eye and oh so truthfully said, "I'm really tired". Their response - "OF COURSE YOU ARE HONEY!! You have four boys and you JUST had a baby 2 1/2 weeks ago. How could you NOT be tired?"
• Why is it that we are always so hard on ourselves and assume everyone is that hard on us?
• I love dating my husband! How lovely it was to go out to a play with him Saturday night. And hold hands. And smile at each other in the dark. And take turns holding a sleeping baby. I loved it.
• I know - you just want to eat him don't you?
• Apparently I did. In almost every picture I downloaded from our evening of trunk or treating I was just staring at him like this. :) So, maybe I am just slightly taken with him...
• My tiger, batman, and bee were pretty darn sweet as well.

• These guys are keeping us busy. Life is full.