In which I realize that my kid has qualities of an average 6 year old *gasp*

Why is it so hard sometimes to accept that our kids will be kids? Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's our unique circumstances. But I realized (a little bit more) last week that my expectations for myself and my family are just a slight bit ridiculous. I'm specifically thinking of K and a little trouble that popped up at school last Thursday. K was born with a fighting spirit that kept him going through months of the NICU, 8 surgeries, and more poking and prodding than most of us will go through in a life time. When he was a tiny baby I wondered how that might affect his personality. Would it make him fussy, insecure, difficult? Ends up none of the above - in the beginning any way. As an infant and toddler he had such a sweet, and extremely laid back disposition. The physical therapists that began working with him at 6 months of age were even a little bit concerned that he was too laid back. They wanted to see more of that fighting spirit. I'll never forget the first time he threw a fit, He was some where between 18 months and 2 years of age and he wanted a toy out of his reach. His PT was here and she was over joyed. She kept saying how wonderful it was that he was reaching this milestone! I had to laugh that it was this big exciting thing he was throwing a fit... Still, even though he had acquired the skill of fit throwing his mellow personality continued to be prominent. And then there was the time when K's shunt malfunctioned a couple of years ago. I hear that isn't the most comfortable feeling in the world. Lots of pressure builds up in the brain and causes a pretty hefty headache. As he lay on the couch, holding his head and wincing I asked him how he was feeling. In a weak little voice he said, "I'm good". He was NOT good. He was having brain surgery a few hours later. That is not the good kind of mellow and laid back. After that we began to really work with him on being an advocate for himself. It took a while, but he began to get the concept of saying "no" to things he didn't want and being honest when he didn't feel well. And then I started wondering why I ever taught my child to say no... :) We had gotten so used our easy going little guy who pretty much did whatever was expected and rarely complained. Enter year 6. Oh my. Mellow? Laid back? Easy going? Who? Where? No one in this house! Certainly not our little K. And it is taking some time to get used to this new strong willed, defiant, wants his own way, contrary K. It's not the K we were used to! Oh, he definitely retains his innocent sweetness, but sometimes you have to search for it. I guess it's a part of growing up. And learning and maturing. He's entered a whole new world of more independence, less mommy time, mainstreaming in school and leaving alot of his special needs programs behind. I got a note home from his kindergarten teacher on Thursday that sent me on an emotional trip. "K got two yellow lights today" (Their system of discipline. 3 yellow lights gets you sent to the principals office) "He was disruptive in class, was giggling and being silly when it was time to work, and would not participate in required activities. Please talk to him about what is expected of him. He has demonstrated some of this behavior each day, but today really pushed it." Um, can you say freaking out? Cause that's what this mama did upon reading the note. Not MY child! Not my sweet little K!! - Oh wait, sweet was so last year. He may walk with a walker and think a bit out side of the box - but he is being held to the exact same standard as any other child in that class. And that is exactly what we want. So, he was spoken to, by mommy and daddy, and a few things were changed around here to tighten up some structure and discipline for the child who I never thought would need such a firm hand. The little preemie boy. The child who didn't even know how to throw a fit. The one some said would never understand or speak - well he is speaking his mind and showing his opinions. So, my kid is normal (relatively speaking of course). Why is it so hard for me to accept normal? Why must I put the expectation around myself, my husband, my boys to be better than every one else? Hello normal. Let's get to know each other. I know yellow lights in kindergarten are only the very tip of the iceberg. And Mommy is getting a dose of reality.

{His birthday}

One of the greatest of my every day miracles began 9 1/2 years before I was even born. On this day he was born. My discovery of real, true, pure, romantic, agape love began with him. And it continues to grow, teach, and nurture me. It stays with him. Forever, for me, it will be him and only him. Happy Birthday David. My heart celebrates today with a fullness of joy I had never known before you entered it.

{Only for a while}

This precious little person joined our family when we were still very busy dealing with the special needs of an almost 4 year old and an oh so strong willed 22 month old. He had to learn patience right away. And he did. He didn't get alot of one on one time. Really - he didn't get any. He was loved, and cuddled, and smooched, and adored - But often in a rush and on the go. He came to us in a very, very busy stage of life. So these moments... These "just mommy and Noe" moments on Tuesday mornings while the "big boys" are in school are so sweet. No one knows how long it will be {just the two of us}. But while it lasts, we enjoy.

Oh the things we will say...

When you stop and think about some of the words that have come out of your mouth since you have become a parent does it ever surprise you? Things that maybe, just maybe, if you were not a parent would NOT be uttered from your lips? Things like: "When you touch a pig you ALWAYS must wash your hands!" "No we can not buy an airplane/jet/hot air balloon/blimp. Because they cost alot of money. No we don't. I know you found a penny, but it would take many more pennies than that. Yes, it is great that you have a penny jar with lots of pennies. Still not enough." "You may not wear my high heels up the stairs. Because they are too big, and it's not safe. "No you may not have my earrings/lipstick/mascara. Because they are mommy's, and these things are for girls. I know they are pretty. Not right now. Maybe when you are older - like 18 or twenty, if you really still want to." "Sweetie, my dress is too big for you. I know it's pretty. Well... because God made you a boy..." "No, boys don't have babies in their bellies. Because they wouldn't be able to handle it that's not the way he designed it." "Nope, there is no milk in your chest." "It's not polite to ask people if there is a baby in their tummy. I know she was big, but just because some one is big does not mean there is a baby in their belly. Yes she did look a little upset didn't she?" "No, mama can not go pee pee outside. Because God made me a girl. No, I do not have one of those." "Because frogs live outside. They need to be able to find bugs to eat. I know we have some bugs in the house - they still need to be outside." "Do not chew on the cart handle/church pew/toilet seat. Because there are lots of germs on there! And it is very gross. I know you love gross. You could get sick and mommy wants you to stay healthy!" "Because God made the sky blue. Isn't it pretty? I don't know why it isn't orange and purple polka-dotted." "Because too much sugar will give you a tummy ache. Yes it will. No, marshmallows and M&M's with milk on them is NOT breakfast cereal." "Because you need to be responsible for your toys. Then you will not get any new toys and we will have to give alot of your old ones away. No, it is NOT my job to put them away. You are NOT too tired to put blocks into a basket! You may NOT swing outside - you just said you were too tired to move three inches and pick up twenty blocks! THEN I AM GOING TO THROW THEM ALL INTO THE TRASH!" "Because it is not appropriate to stand in the window with no clothes on when the bus drives up. I know you love to be naked. I know it's super comfy. It's just not appropriate." "I DON'T KNOW!" "BECAUSE I SAID SO." "BECAUSE I WANT PRIVACY WHEN I TAKE A SHOWER/GET DRESSED/GO TO THE BATHROOM." "PLEASE BE QUIET, FOR JUST ONE MINUTE PLEASE, PLEASE BE QUIET!" Ah, the life of a mommy.... And yes, this post was inspired by MckMama. :)

One of those days...

The kind where you are on an adrenaline high And you feel kind of giddy... And by the end of it, your face hurts from smiling so much... And you start to think - "Oh my, I don't think I can take any more exciting good things.." THAT kind of day. THAT was my yesterday. See - I have been constantly nagging continually, and sweetly, asking Dave when we could go out and buy paint for our room. I have been SO excited about getting the color in there. But alas, many things needed to be done before the painting - and Dave didn't want to think too far ahead of all the projects which still needed to be done. So I waited, and looked at paint colors every time we were at the store, and planned, and waited.... And then early this week - those magic words "Hey Wendi, I am just about running out of stuff to do in the room before paint can go on the walls. Do you want to go buy paint with me on Thursday? Oh - and I am ready to buy carpet too." So I began to hyperventilate in excitement and did a crazy happy dance while throwing myself at him calmly said that I would look at the calender to see if Thursday was open to go paint and carpet shopping. Ends up it was. So, I knew it would be a fun day. I was also looking forward to it because it was the first Mom2mom meeting of the season (our version of MOPS). We were having brunch, which is always so, delicious!! Imagine my delight when my dear mom2mom friends surprised me with an amazing showering of diapers and sweet things for Malachi! Oh my, what a wonderful and affirming morning. I was just amazed at the generous gifting that was bestowed on us. You mommies will understand - stacks of free diapers excite me like crazy. :) After the boys napped Dave got home and we all headed out to do our shopping. It was every thing I dreamed it would be. :) We now have everything we need for our target date of completion - we hope to be moving back into our room next Friday, the 25th. And - to top the day off - upon our arrival home we found a very highly looked forward to package in our porch which contained this... A good, good day. My cheeks are still grin tired.

Intricate {pre-born} design

You shaped me first inside, then out:

You formed me in my mother's womb

I thank you high God - you are breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration - what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

You know every bone in my body

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

How I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from cconception to birth;

All the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

Before I had even lived one day.

Your thoughts - how rare

How beautiful!

God, I'll never comprehend them!

I couldn't even begin to count them - any more than I could count the sand in the sea.

Much gratitude to my dear friend, and talented photographer, Cori. Cori's photography web site

{Scripture taken from Psalm 139:13-18 - The Message}

Faith and distraction

I remember this stage in my other pregnancies... You are so close to the end, but not to a "safe" point yet Sleep does not come easily It's so hard to bend down To put put on your shoes... or shave your legs or change a diaper Breathing isn't that easy either You have to be busy to keep your mind from wondering: When will we meet him? How will it all go? Oh, I am so ready... Wait, wait , wait, I'm not. We need lots more time. He doesn't have a dresser, I have to get through a few busy weeks yet.... So, you try to distract yourself by writing, or doing dishes, or thinking about something...anything, but the baby. There is this constant reminder though A basketball where your stomach used to be And you dream of him Day dreams and night dreams.... After finding out that I was almost 2 cm dilated last Wednesday I was a little paranoid. And any one who knows me knows that a little means a darned awful lot.... The following day I had many contractions, they weren't being controlled very well by the medication I was given to relax my uterus. Around noon that day I called Dave and asked if he could come home early. His mom watched the boys while he and I went back to my doctor's office. I was uneasy. I was wondering. I was struggling to have faith that it would all be okay... I was 32 weeks 6 days.... So, she checked me All was fine Every thing was unchanged form the day before She put me on the monitor First a contraction Then they had me put my feet up and completely relax Nothing No contractions, just sweet rest So, we know that when I slow down, all is well And I am taking that much more seriously I was also told to increase my medication from previously "as needed", then "every six hours", to now every four hours. After about 24 hours of that I took myself back to "as needed"... Racing pulse, weakness, bloody noses, nausea, feeling flushed, not myself.... Not worth it if I can just slow down to slow the contractions down Then an FFN test - which came back negative, signifying that I only had a 1% chance of delivering in the next two weeks Thankful relieved hearts... A great weekend - little to no contractions I know he isn't ready, so part of me is so hopeful for those 3 more weeks - Part of me is just so done.... and I scold that part many times a day Patience.... Lungs are one of the last organs to be fully developed and breathing is a good thing, a very good thing What a beautiful sight - when attending the Center for Women's new ultra sound machine dedication yesterday, my baby belly was used to demonstrate and we saw those little lungs Up and down, rhythmic movements And she said, "Look! He's practicing breathing already! He's using his lungs!" Beautiful! Waiting for him. Trying to settle my mind. For whatever happens. Distraction And in the mean time I have: A first day of preschool An unexpected treat of a camera on it's way, since the money set aside for a new dishwasher wasn't needed for that... A looked forward to evening at the Center And then being able to spend some time with a few photographers who really know what they are doing A fresh haircut that I finally had time for More planning for bedroom decor Some baking Maybe even getting out a sweater or two Starting a new season of Mom2mom.... And many sweet dreams. Because distraction can only last so long...

What I'm learning; parenting

Sometimes you aren't going to feel like getting off the couch to follow through on an issue you have chosen to pursue with your child. Get up anyway. Sometimes you will be angry. And you will want to immediately react. - Not taking the time to take a deep breath, step back, and make a conscious decision to calmly respond to your child. The disrespect/disobedience/contrary attitude has lasted one time too many. And you.are.done Take a deep breath, step back, and make a conscious decision to calmly respond anyway. Sometimes getting down on the floor to be close to your child and just be will not sound real appealing. Sometimes getting down on the floor is hard to do physically. Sometimes you will have a million other things to do. Sometimes you just plain don't want to. Get down on the floor with your child anyway. Sometimes your child is going to need a consequence that hurts when they knowingly choose negative actions. Sometimes they are going to simply need to be held very tightly in an embrace. It is our job to know which one, what time, for how long, and why. Sometimes we aren't going to want to be the responsible one. Aren't we just kids too? Why do we have to step up and do the hard stuff? Because we are the adult. Because we have been entrusted with the most amazing gift any one could ever receive. Because every single thing we do and say affects them Sometimes they just need to hear "I love you" and "it's okay" and "I forgive you". Instead of "Why did you do that?!" and "Just stop! I told you a million times to stop, are you not hearing me?!" Sometimes we will feel woefully and incredibly inadequate. Some times we will have no clue what our next parenting step should be and when we should take it. Sometimes we need to change our strategy. Sometimes we need to throw every well meaning parenting tip we have ever heard right out the window. Sometimes we just need to go with that deep down intuitive feeling and forge an unknown path. Because the creator of these precious little ones has equipped us with every thing we could ever need to raise them. And I am going to need to re-read this so often, because I mess up on this stuff every single day. Thank you God for new mercies each and every morning...

Just some little updates...

..Because I am finding that being in my eighth month of pregnancy does not accommodate alot of brain power. Stringing words together in a way that flows nicely is out of my reach right now. Not sure when that happened, but I'm guessing it was some time between the new morning rush and the trying to go shopping with a two and four year old while catching my breath every 5 seconds and trying to make it home before K's bus, washing, folding, and putting away tiny baby clothes, while trying to catch my breath every 5 minutes, and averaging 4-5 hours of sleep each night. So here it is. The post that takes as little brain work as possible. Updates~

School He loves it! He grins every day when the bus gets here. Last year he went to preschool on Mon. Wed. and Fri. from 12:30 - 3:30. Adjusting to every day kindergarten from 8-12 is taking some time, but he's catching on to the new routine. At first when I told him he would be going on Thursday he laughed and said, "You're teasing mom! I go to school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!" I was surprised that he remembered - because that was a while ago, but that is how his mind works. We only have three days done at this point, but I think it is safe to say this is a very good thing. Jay starts his two day preschool next Tuesday. He can hardly contain his excitement! Lil' Noe asks every day "when is MY school mommy?!" - Don't rush things baby boy. You have two more years with mommy. There is definitely a fatigue factor in this household now as we get into a structured routine. The boys had been sleeping till 9 am before school started. I thought, ever so briefly, about waking them up at 7 for a couple of weeks before school started, to get them into the new routine, but really - they were sleeping till 9. I was not going to mess with the beauty of that. So, due to every one getting up two hours earlier than they were used to, there has been a few more fits, tired tears, and some over all general craziness going on. And the boys are doing some of those things too. Since the upstairs rooms of our house are all kind of turned upside down right now, all three boys are sharing a room. I have tried to sneak in to their room and just wake K, but every morning they all wake up as I open the door. All in all, we are adjusting, it is good, and I'm sure will get even better. Baby A few little surprises here. After a couple of mildly questionable signs I decided to ask my doctor to check my cervix when I went in for my shot yesterday. Ends up things are progressing towards labor a bit. I am just about 2 cm. dilated and baby is quite low. We'll see... I have heard of women being at that stage for weeks - sometimes even a month or two. I am currently 33 weeks. My doctor and I are hoping to get three more weeks in. I am taking my medication, which relaxes the uterus, every six hours no matter what now instead of "as needed". I am trying to slow down a bit, but that's tough do in a house full of little people. Wow - check out this for appropriate timing - I am totally having a contraction right now. I have contractions from about month 4 on - so it's no big new thing, they are just really coming more frequently. - And I took my anti contraction med an hour and a half ago. This could get very interesting. Your prayers for three more weeks would be much appreciated! Oh - and my friend Cori took some amazing maternity photos for me that I can hardly wait to show you! House (specifically bedroom project) It's crazy how much "behind the scenes" stuff has to go on in a project like this. Some times it seems like Dave works for hours and nothing has changed. In reality, he accomplishes a whole lot in that time, just not stuff I can see or touch. There are just so many little details. And it takes so much time. As I have been saying "We are getting there". :) Here's just a little sneak preview of what he got done last night. This is my European oil rubbed bronze waterfall faucet that just got installed in my jacuzzi tub {insert little school girl type screech here}. I have only popped into the bed room like 3 times this morning to look at it. A little bit of plumbing still needs to be done to get this all hooked up. Then we have more plaster and sanding to do so that the new dry wall is "perfect". For real - my Dave is a perfectionist when it comes to these things. It is both wonderful and frustrating. :) Once the wall seams and corners are "perfect" we will prime and paint, then do carpet, linoleum, and trim. And then we will move in. And I can do those final finishing decor touches... makes me So happy to think about And part of the decor will be a little bassinet by my bed. And tiny little diapers next to that... And oh my, I can hardly wait!! But really, I will. And I hope Malachi does too... Okay, I've used up my thinking allotment for the day. Sorry family - I may be rather useless for the rest of the day. And it's only 9:50 am... Oh well, they have been very forgiving of my absent mindedness lately.

I think we are all going to do okay with this new stuff-

He's getting so grown He's happy I only cried a little And then this friend came to the door with Panera bagels... and really, who could cry after that? Her timing was perfect Her baby just entered kindergarten We are both facing "firsts" and changes... But all in all this first, this change for us, went very smoothly We were all up and ready in plenty of time There was an excitement in the air K reported that his favorite part of his first day of school was "the numbers puzzle with hands on it" And that he got to sit on "the alphabet rug" And that Clare "hugged him alot" Ahh... life is good ...And back off Clare :)

Sometimes it's just more poignant...

In an effort to live in the here and now and to treasure memories, but not wallow in grief - to be so thankful for the overflowing blessings of the past 6 years... I do not allow myself often to dwell on those "what might have beens" I used to go there alot. It was okay for a time But there also came a time when I just knew that I needed to move past that. And oh how wonderful it has been to clearly see the beauty that I DO have in my life. Not what I could've had Or what they could've had Still - Sometimes... There is a lump in my throat as an image flashes across my mind of two six year olds getting on the bus together. Brand new backpacks proudly worn. A best bud holding K's hand. A best bud who looks a lot like him. Learning, reading, field trips, snack days, birthday cupcakes, together. Some times the sadness isn't so much for me, but for K. He would've loved it. So much. I lost a son... but he lost a twin. It was an unbidden image. - Not something I sat there and consciously placed together. But when it flashed through my mind - in my heart It took my breath away Milestones just make me think of him more.

Savoring these days...

What am I doing to enjoy these last few days before my oldest heads off to kindergarten every day and my middle child makes his way into the world of two day preschool? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm making them chocolate cake with cream cheese and raspberry filling. (Really really, all for them. Just for them) I'm going on treasure hunts with them out doors. The treasure is still a mystery, but the fun is in the hunt. Always. I'm making "airplane, parachute, rockets" out of boxes, pens, string, stickers, and ribbon. I'm having picnics in the living room, and turning my head away from the crumbs. For now. I'm filling the tub up "super deep" with warm water and bubbles and letting them play in it for as long as they want. I'm cuddling with Jay and K, under our favorite green sleeping bag, while Noe takes his afternoon nap. I'm giggling with them while shushing them and telling them to rest. I'm doing my housework early in the am or late in the pm so I am not obsessing over that instead of loving on these boys I know all of our lives will be in transition so soon. So many changes. But for right now, we are just being us. A mama and her boys.