Sitting with him

It's probably not a big surprise to any of you that I'm a busy lady. Keeping up with the needs of three little guys, remodeling our home, a pregnancy involving weekly appointments, physical and occupational therapy appointments for K, and just day to day life some times proves to be difficult. There is a certain feeling of being behind that tends to follow me around. It is not an invited or welcomed feeling and yet, rather comfortable in familiarity. Sometimes I realize that I need to slow down. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I forge full speed ahead only to become quite useless to my family hours later when I collapse on the couch in an exhausted, grumpy weary, and defeated state. Ah - but then there are those moments when I allow God to catch my attention and re focus my mind on all things beautiful and important. One of those moments involved me frantically throwing toys back into the toy room while trying to finish up paying bills, while one load of laundry was being washed and one load was being dried. The younger boys were napping, and K was... well he was some where. Probably playing his "My first Computer" or picking out a DVD for his rest time. Then his little voice broke through the mental grocery list I was in process of creating. "Mom, can you sit with me?" I looked up and saw him on the couch pulling a soft blanket around his legs. He looked awfully cute. I smiled, but my lips began to form the familiar reply of "In a minute." Sit with him? Just sit? I don't know how to just sit. Especially when there is dirt on my kitchen floor and clothes to be sorted. Sitting would be almost impossible. And necessary. And helpful to two people on so many levels. I stopped the words from coming out of my mouth and mentally shut out the work waiting for me. "Yeah baby, I'll sit with you". I cradled my 6 1/2 year old in my lap and watched his face transform into smiles. And surprise surprise! I didn't immediately melt from sitting on the couch while work needed to be done. No alarms sounded. K is so quiet and usually very laid back. He entertains himself so easily. His brothers tend to be higher maintenance. As I caressed his brown hair and looked into his hazel eyes I made a realization that spending time with him - just being together - hadn't been real high on my priority list. Because he seems so happy to do his own thing, I sometimes allow the importance of seeking him out and bonding with him to slip. He's not the kind of guy to complain much, but he feels so much inside. "Hey bud, how are you doing?" I quietly asked. "GOOD!" He replied enthusiastically. He buried his head in the blanket. "Mom! Where's K? Did you leave him outside?!" He screeched out his laughter as he initiated one of our favorite games. "Oh no! He's still in the sand box, or maybe I left him in his swing and he can't get out!" I played along smiling, knowing what his next move would be. POP! Out of the blanket came a sweet little boy who could hardly contain his excitement. He was laughing so hard he could barely talk. "Here I am mom! I was right here!" We played a few more rounds or "Where in the world could K be?!" and then we just talked. Little things, maybe insignificant to some, but I was beginning to realize that these moments, little games, and conversations were really of utmost importance. What did you learn about in Sunday school on Sunday? Jesus. And snacks. Are you excited about kindergarten this fall? Yay-ah!! When do I get to go?! Do you want an ice cream bar? Mommy wants one; do you want me to get you one too? Mom, do they have sticks in the middle? Um, no. Then they aren't ice cream bars mom! They are called ice cream sandwiches! Thank you K. I keep calling them the wrong thing don't I? You are silly mom! Eventually I got back to the million and one things that needed to be done, but I had the satisfaction of knowing that one of the most important things had been pursued. And there was a certain peace in my heart that had previously not been there.

This post is part o f Tuesdays unwrapped @ Chatting at the Sky. Click on the link to check out the beautiful and every day moments that others are choosing to embrace.

Lessons that I alone could not teach

I am so thankful for what Jay, Noe, and eventually their littlest brother, are and will be learning. These are the incredible lessons that I would struggle to know how to impart to them with out the help of my K. My heart is so thankful that they are learning that different does not necessarily mean wrong or scary. That sometimes slowing down to help some one who can not do every thing you can do is a wonderful experience. They are seeing through eyes of love for a brother who has never walked like they have. Who can't climb or swim without help. One who can't see past his arms length or use the bathroom. They have questioned, they have sometimes made observations and noted the differences. They have wondered why. If he is older - why are there things they can do that he can't? But then they have just loved. As children do. How valuable! For them to go through life seeing through these eyes of love that started at the very beginning of their lives. Seeing those who are handicapped as people with minds, hearts, deep feelings. To value every life. I watched Jay continually make sure that K was leaning back in his floaty ring in our pool yesterday. Jay had watched K lean a little bit too far forward and get a mouth full of water one time. We immediately pulled him up, but ever since then Jay has been extra careful around K in the pool. K may argue that Jay is a bit too vigilant some times... :) "K! Make sure you are leaning back! K, you have to be careful in your floaty!" Jay is very good in the water - he loves to jump in, hold his breath, float, etc. K loves to be in the water, but his physical challenges make it difficult for him to do these things. Jay has never compared his skills with K. He just loves to swim with his brother. Helping out when he can, pulling him around in his floaty. -And he is only 4. I watched Noe clap his little hands the other day as K slowly made his way to the table for dinner. He had ventured out on his own for a few steps - letting go of the couch to step into the dining room. "MOM- do you see him?! He's walking like ME!" He clapped and told K that he was doing such a good job. -And he is only 2. We still have so much to teach them - but these little boys, at such a young age, have already grasped some very important truths due to their every day lives with a sweet little boy who has beaten alot of odds. How thankful I am for this little "teacher". Imparting things to our family which we would never truly have taken hold of in a tangible way if it were not for him.

Musings on a very hot summer day

It's kinda hot here today. Too hot to concentrate and make a real coherent post. I'm posting any way. Fun.

• Pretty sure the baby is named. For me any way. I have been mentally referring to him by the name I have chosen for several weeks now - so that's it for me. :) I'm not going to tell yet, but I will say it was mentioned in the comments of my 'name game' post. Go read them all, it was so much fun for me to read through all of those comments!
• Chocolate chocolate chip muffins are too a nutritious breakfast! My boys agree.
• I feel like I am carrying this baby differently than the other boys. It feels different when he kicks too. I think it's because he is breach. At my 20 week ultra sound he was just as stubborn as ever - bottom on my cervix, legs and head up by my belly button. All of the other boys have been head down from the first time we have seen them. Praying he gets that way soon.
• Super excited about our bed room remodeling!
• Trying to ward of the frustration of living in a house while remodeling. The mess is horrendous.
• Have gained 15 pounds in 22 weeks.
• So excited that Dave only has to work 4 days next week!
• Preparing for our Iowa vacation in two weeks.
• Can hardly believe the deep and insightful spiritual questions my 4 year old has been asking every day.
• Trying to convince the boys that they can not live in the pool.
• Summer's official arrival brought with it a crazy heat wave!
• Which quickly brought me to the conclusion that, no, swimming suits that fit me pre pregnancy can NOT just stretch...
• Maternity swim suit form Old Navy is on it's way as we speak. :)
• finding it difficult to muster up any kind of motivation to cook when it is this hot.
• Love pouring over paint chips. I'm obsessed with paint colors - and their names intrigue me. Right now I think I have decided on 'baked bean', 'cocoa pecan', and 'coffee kiss' for bedroom colors. Really warm rich colors that make me so happy.
• Taking K to Physical and occupational therapy today - as we will each Wednesday through out the summer.
• So proud of how hard K works and how much he loves his therapy. He loves Wednesdays!
• Taking inventory of what we will need for baby.
• After going through 6 1/2 years and 3 boys, much of what we have is not fit for another baby.
• Wasting spending alot of time looking at baby stuff on line.
• Slightly obsessed with blue and brown color combinations. Like this nursing cover and this baby sling and these delicious baby shoes. Not that I would want to eat them - but really, aren't they just adorable?!! Oh - and this bedding set. :)
• Making a paper chain with Jay today. One link for each week until baby is due. :) Only 18 links to make.
• Loving this picture.
• Off to cut and tape a paper chain...

{2.5}

Today I looked at you and I saw a boy. Not a baby, not a toddler, but a boy. Suddenly looking so much like your brother Jay that I had to look twice. And a lump rose into my throat. I remembered how you sweetened my life when you entered it. I remembered expecting another colicky baby, and endless sleepless nights. I remembered how you surprised me with the beauty of being an efficient eater. How mellow you were. How you began to sleep through the night way before I expected it. How attached I became to you so immediately. How crazy I thought other people would think of me if they I knew that sometimes I woke you from naps. Just to cuddle you and hear you coo. And here you are - Carrying on "veery veery important" conversations with me. Defying me. Copying your older brothers constantly. And yet figuring out who you are. Where you belong. Your individuality. You know that you are no longer the baby in this family. You talk to your baby brother through my belly button. You think if you get your eye right up next to my belly button you will be able to see him. It doesn't matter how many times I tell you it doesn't work that way. You still come up to me, lift my shirt up, and say, "I think I can see the baby mom!" Noe, you have so many wonderful qualities. Already showing up. Your excitement over life makes me grin. The way you start to run your words together and your volume goes up, up, up When you are telling me what you loved about your day Or what you will love about tomorrow Or what you will do when daddy gets home. I was so pleased the other day when you looked up at me with those insanely blue eyes framed but the most delicious lashes You said,"Mommy loves me veery, veery much. Daddy does too. Alot!" Just to know that we have imparted this truth to you warms my heart. You are secure in our love And that is an accomplishment I take seriously. I love your curiosity. It seems like every time I get up to do something, you must know what excitement is about to take place. "Watcha gonna Mom? Watcha gonna?" Is your new phrase full of cuteness. Most people tend to guess you are three already. Because you are quite a solid boy. And you talk every one's ear off. I'm thinking you may have gotten mommy's love for words. The last conversation I had with you went something like this, "Tomowow we will go bikeen again. And we will ride and ride and ride. Then we we will thwow rocks into the water. Again. Yeah. And I wan to bring my juice with me and it will be fun. And it will make me silly. Yeah. I will be silly." This morning you were looking all over for your blanket, which is still a very close and inseparable friend. When you finally found it, you buried your head into the fleecy softness and said, "Oh mom it's so cute!" Really, I'm thinking you are! You are starting to recognize, and try to name your emotions. It's amazing for me to see this at the age of two, even though you don't quite know the correct labels for how you feel quite yet. After watching some fireworks last week you got a little bit scared of the noise. Your little heart was pounding in your chest. You said, "Mom, that made me crazy!" I replied, "Do you mean that made you scared?" "Yeah, scared. That made me scared. And crazy!" You are usually either "silly" or "crazy". And those two words can mean, happy, excited, nervous, scared, or mad. Lots of cuteness going on. Also lots of "two-ness". Wow, do you need your sleep. If you don't get lots of it, you are grumpy. Like whine-endlessly-for-no-apparent-reason grumpy. Not a nice sound. There is also an awful lot of "why?" going on when you are in the room. Daddy and I are trying to teach you that obedience is of utmost importance. And sometimes you won't know why. Most of the time we try to explain every thing we can; To this wonderful mind, so eager to learn. But some times one "why" too many, can just about push this mommy to say the dreaded words I never wanted to... "Cause I'm the mom!! That's WHY!" Today you are two and a half. Keep believing in how loved you are. Ours is true and deep. But there is a love even deeper. And I am excited to watch as you learn of that love a little more every day!

Father son fascination

Yesterday I watched a four year imitate his father down to the set of his jaw and the way he rested his chin in his hand. Each intonation of his voice and every move he made was copied. What an amazing relationship! Observing it is so fascinating to me. I looked over the head of the smaller one of the two as I watched them together. I quietly informed Dave of what he had yet to notice; that there was a small Dave replica sitting next to him. He smiled as he began to see what I saw. A certain look in Jay's eyes almost brought tears to mine. This man is every thing to him. Right now he wants to be him. He is in awe of most every thing his daddy does. Dave began preparing to go to town to pick up some plumbing supplies. He grabbed his belt and began stringing it through the loops of his denim shorts. Jay ran upstairs and hurriedly rummaged through the top drawer of his dresser until he found what he was searching for; a small black and tan belt. He was so proud of himself as he fastened it around his little waist. His denim shorts had no belt loops, but he didn't care. He was a little bit more like dad now. All day Jay had been with me. He'd had quite a few whiny moments. Randomly complaining about one thing or another. He had picked fights with his brothers. I tried to find the patience to deal with these little episodes. We are in process of dealing with some of these attitude issues. But even as I prayed for guidance with my little boy, I could sense that he needed something. He was waiting for something. As I observed Jay and Dave interact after Dave returned home from work I was just in awe of the complete transformation that came over him. Cooperative. All smiles. Kind. Helpful.

The incredible responsibility that it is to be a Father became so clear to me in those moments. The beauty of that relationship. God's design. The irreplaceable role.

My boys are so beyond blessed! They are learning every day from a gentle, hard working, kind, patient, fun, and loving man. Happy Father's Day Dave! Watching you with these precious little gifts of ours in one of the greatest joys in my life!

One year ago...

A year ago I wrote this. And I entered into a period of grief that left me exhausted and questioning. After living in the shadow of that experience, the light of where we are at right now shines even brighter. I don't ever want to take for granted the miracles that are taking place right here. Right now. Just thanking God over and over today. For what he has done. For what he has held us through. for the times he has calmed the storm. For the times he has let the wind and waves go wild, but held his child. And for what he is doing right now. When I'm sick I often get so grumpy for my lack of health. But does my heart run over with thanksgiving when we are all healthy? Do I acknowledge the one who gives us our health? When Dave and I are not communicating well and not connecting - when things just seem to be going badly in my marriage and I wonder if it will get better, I feel so despondent. But when things turn around and God brings about a wonderful change of heart within both of us, when our eyes sparkle when they meet, when I wonder if it could ever get any sweeter; do I thank the one who designed marriage? When I am in a season of grieving so deep that I don't want to face each new day, when my heart feels like it is filled with bricks, when nothing makes sense - I acknowledge that. Do I acknowledge as intensely the joy of each day I spend growing a precious life? To see where God has brought us in one years time has been an incredible reminder of his faithfulness. Let me never spend more time grieving and complaining as I do rejoicing and bowing down in utter and complete thankfulness.

If I believed in luck - I would say "lucky me" but I don't, so I won't

Over three months ago I entered a give away on a blog. Not being the kind of person that wins things - pretty much ever - I did not really expect any thing to come of it. But in an oh so su-weet turn of events quite a bit did come from it. :) I have been meaning to blog about it for awhile. The exciting thing about this giveaway is that it was a part of an awesome fund raiser for a sweet couple, Josh and Rachel, to raise money for their international adoption. It was neat to watch the numbers go up signifying the amount raised! They are now closer than ever to traveling to South Korea to pick up their son Josiah! When I found out that I was the winner of Prize package B I was honestly shocked! Of course it was a very thrilled kind of shock. One part of the winnings form this give away was a hand made doll, lamb, or other bit of soft goodness from Baby Be Blessed. I had first heard of this wonderful business through Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain. I knew she was a big fan of their products, but I wasn't really familiar whit what all Baby Be Blessed made. All I knew is that they make cute dolls. As I perused their on line shop I made a discovery that warmed my heart. And it made me stop and thank God for his goodness. And it gave even more meaning to the way he was blessing me through this give away. Among many other things, Baby Be Blessed makes beautiful soft lambs that are called Treasure a Memory Lamb. You can choose a verse of your choice to be printed on the lamb's belly. These lambs are made to be a special reminder of a baby or child who you can no longer hold in your arms. What a special treasure! Actual baby footprints can be printed next to the verse you choose. All of the fabrics, ribbon, colors, etc can be picked specifically to what you want. After emailing back and forth for a while with the wonderful ladies from Baby Be Blessed, our lamb was chosen. I could hardly wait to see how it would turn out! A couple of weeks ago a box arrived in the mail with Baby Be Blessed in the top left corner. I was like a little kid breaking into the package. The boys watched me from a distance - kind of wondering what was up with mommy and why she was acting like she was their age... :) I'm sure you can imagine how sweet this is to me! Look at those precious foot prints! And perhaps there was a little tear or two to wipe away. Maybe. Not tellin' for sure. :) Use your imagination. I explained to K, Jay, and Noe why mommy was so happy to have the lamb, what it represented, and the sweet reminder it was of their brother in heaven. They seemed to realize right away that this was not a typical toy to be dragged around the house and otherwise abused as toys and stuffed animals seem to be here. They carefully examined it. They talked about how soft it was and how little the footprints were. They were so gentle with the lamb - I was really quite surprised! After the little boys went up for their nap I sat down with K and we talked about the brother whom he never really knew. He is always rather matter of fact when we talk about J.D. Some times I ask him if he knows he had a twin brother. Some one who looked just like him. He usually just smiles his easy going smile and says, "yeah." He seemed to form an attachment to the lamb right away. He held it for a long time. He watched his Little Ein.stein's movie and sang along with the classical music while gently cradling the lamb. I know that this is just a piece of material. Sewn together and made into a simple design. But what it represents is so close to my heart that I can't help but feel an extra thankfulness for this unexpected gift. I would encourage you to check out Baby Be Blessed! The quality of the lamb I received was very impressive! Every doll or animal made has a Bible verse on it. They are all SO sweet. I am still deciding on which personalized diaper bag our newest little boy will be stylin' with. :) What a fun decision! I have chosen my scrabble tile pendant (no guilt trip intended sweet NOLA friend) :) I will be gifitng some one very special with two precious little girl hats from Carey hairbows - now that I know I will not be needing them. :) Wow are they ever sweet! We love our hand made crayon roll from Shut The Front Door Etsy shop! It is so convenient to throw into a bag on our way out the door to have something to keep the boys busy during appointments and such. I thought having crayons would be the entertaining thing, ends up opening and closing the crayon roll is the biggest excitement maker. Who knew? Target gift card (such a treat any time!!), magazine subscription, photo collage - the goodness seemed to be never ending. :) It was so much fun for me and I just want to thank Rachel for the thoughtful items she gave away. So. much. fun. Did I already say that?

The Ultimate Father

There’s a Father shaped hole

In all of our hearts

Some have been filled

-Daddies doing their part

Time and attention

To each little princess

Firm in discipline

But generous with kisses

Yet not all have been blessed

With that affirmation

Which starts out their life

In the right direction

They search and they search

Sure they can fill

That deep and vast void

With a new kind of thrill

Met with surprise

Disappointment and grief

The hole only widens

Is there no relief?

Then one day they meet

The ultimate dad

He can’t disappoint

He’s the best love they’ve had

But scars still remain

Paths have been chosen

Choices were made

Hopes have been broken

While they searched for the love

Of the one who meant most

The first man in their lives

Designed to be close

His role is so needed

He can’t be replaced

By any earthy relationship

It can’t fill that space

How blessed we are

When it’s our God that we see

As our irreplaceable Father

The one whom we need

He’ll never leave

He can not lie

His love knows no bounds

He counts each tear and each sigh

He knows we’re but dust

He created our being

He won’t turn away

When to our humanness we cling

But he gently leads

He speaks to our hearts

His yoke is easy

Sweet grace he imparts

Our longing lover

The sweetest friend

The ultimate father

His love never ends

Heart connections

Those of you who have broken into the world of blogging know. You know something that other people may not quite grasp. It is the amazing connections that are made on line. Some of them are fun little comments made on a few of your posts that make you smile. Some connections come when some one stumbles across your blog and finds similarities to their family or life. And some times it is just the opposite. They can't stop reading because it is so different than their life that they are intrigued. We do it too. We find blogs we "follow" because something piques our interest. Amazing photography. Really good writing. A story that we can't get enough of. It's reality entertainment at it's best! In the last year and a half I have "met" many, many people through my blog. And it has truly been a blessing. One of my desires, and prayers, has been that God would use this blog to connect me to other parents who have lost babies or are raising a special needs child. That has happened time and again. Three of the women I am in contact with don't even live in the same country as I do. It really amazes me, because I never could have imagined the connections I would be making when I started this blog! Sometimes the connections we make on line move past a comment here and there. Sometimes God brings people together through writing and it is no coincidence. There are some amazing people who have become very, very special to me through out the year or so that we have been in contact. We have read each others blogs, learned about each others lives, been challenged by one another, and have grown in friendship. What started as leaving a stranger a comment on a blog post we have appreciated has become a meaningful friendship. For a few it has moved beyond blogging to facebook chatting, emailing, calling, and then, in an amazing turn of events, even meeting face to face! How I thank God for two of these women who really mean alot to me. This past Monday I did something that was kind of out of character for me, and a bit adventurous. :) My mother in law watched my kids for the day while I left the state, traveled a couple of hours, and met "in real life" two ladies who I had only previously known from their blogs. I was the first to arrived at the decided upon Panera Bread in Indiana. My heart was beating a little bit quicker than normal as I sat at the quaint little iron table fiddling with my sunglasses. I had known these women from their writing and photos for over a year - and yet, what would it be like to see them in person? Would they be as I expected? Would I be as they hoped? Amanda arrived next and I knew her right away. We began chatting as if we met like this regularly. I was immediately struck by her genuineness. I loved when she laughed because it was such a sweet and melodic sound. Most every thing was just as I had expected. The only things different than I had expected were things you couldn't know if you weren't with some one face to face. Subtle things. The way her eyes sparkled when she talked about her girls. The ease in which we conversed. The beauty in which her faith punctuate her conversation. Next to arrive was Jackie. Yes, New Mexico Jackie. Jackie who I thought I would never have a chance to meet because really; Michigan and New Mexico. Not real promising. Jackie and I have often joked that we share a brain. It has gotten rather uncanny how many things we share in common. From the way we were raised, to our husbands being several years older than us and shaving their heads. :) We have off handedly commented a few times how amazing it would be for us to meet. Face to face. To sit down and chat for hours at a Starbucks... But given the vastly different locations on the map, we pretty much knew it wasn't going to happen. Through our correspondences we came to realize that Jackie's parents lived about four hours from me. So, plans got under way to meet half way between their house and mine when she came to visit them. It almost seemed like a dream that day. The three of us had lunch at Panera and talked non stop. Amanda's husband and girls came to pick her up for their travels back home. It was a joy to see those curly topped girls that I had read so much about! Jackie and I ended up at a Starbucks talking for a couple of hours, just as we had unsuspectingly hoped. It was one of those sweet times of sharing with out judgment and chatting like old friends. Dave called at one point to see how things were going and what time I thought I would be starting for home. I told him my plan was to leave at 3:30. "Well, honey, you can do whatever you want. I really don't care how long you stay, but it is 3:45 right now..." His reply shocked me. :) Time really flew by. I will never forget that day, and I hope there are several more like it yet to come! There is something about being with women who you have never met, but who truly know you that is just remarkable!. We blog about what is on our hearts. I don't really write how I would speak to some one who I see on a regular basis. I write about things that I can't articulate in a conversation. It's my heart. Who I am. Who I am past the surface. I think that is why so many of us find true bonds from reading blogs. We have shared, and read, each others hearts. What may be too hard to say in person freely flows from the key board. I just want to thank the wonderful people who have taken the time to comment and email. You all have an impact on my life. I always smile, and sometimes even loudly laugh (you know who you are {Sara}), when I read all of your comments. And to Amanda and Jackie, I am so glad that our "real" paths have finally crossed! Your friendships are such a gift! Oh - and I just noticed as I was looking at the pictures we took that day how very coordinated we were with out even meaning to be. :) Dark pink, black, and dark pink and black. So stylin'! :) Love you girls!

What he didn't say

His step faltered He wasn't on my time schedule Already running behind Annoyed to be getting later Why couldn't he see? He was slowing us down I rushed him and pressured him And then I said it to him "Just walk, keep up! Walk!" In a voice too loud In a tone that makes me any thing but proud Then I saw that look In his hazel eyes which match my own It said more than words ever could It said "I'm trying" And "I know I'm slower than you" "This takes so much effort" "Come down to my level" "Understand" "You usually do, don't stop now" "I need a mommy who will empathize" "I need patience" So I knelt down and hugged him tight His brightly colored leg braces blurred in front of my eyes I needed reminded I needed to stop His walking progresses At his own pace He still needs support and encouragement each step of the way And how often my own step falters It did that day And then I found my sure footing In what he didn't say

It's a...

Dear little one in the womb, Today I got a peak at you. For about an hour I watched as the ultra sound technician took all of the measurements, checked on all of your major organs, and made sure all was well. And baby, as at peace as I was throughout the day, I still held my breath a little and was silently uttering prayers through out this process. Prayers that you would be healthy. Prayers that you were growing as you should. My heart feels like it could just about burst with happiness! You are healthy, a great size, active, and a boy. Another boy! I have to be honest and say that our minds were geared a bit towards entertaining thoughts of what life would be like if we added a daughter to the mix here. I would be lying if I said there weren't a few moments of adjusting my thinking to the fact that we will not know what that is like. Oh - but in the next few seconds I watched your hands go to your face and you tried to suck your thumb. You turned, as if to face us. You were moving all around and I just grinned, and grinned, and couldn't stop grinning. Wow do we love you. This part always has surprised me a bit. Just how much you can love some one you've never seen face to face. I truly can hardly wait to watch you with your brothers. Yes, I get a touch tired even just thinking about it. Raising four boys. Oh my oh my! :) But what an amazing privilege! Praising God for you, our baby boy, Love mommy

The name game

I love baby names. I have always thoroughly enjoyed the process of naming our children. Dave has always had alot of input as well, so it's not like I just single handedly named our bundles of joy. I have usually had a long list of names that I liked. Most get vetoed because they are too "out there" or he can some how see some way that his child will get made fun of over any given name on my list. :) Still, it has been fun to look through names, collaborate together, compromise, and come up with some names that we both really love. I usually have had a boy name and girl name picked out before I have even lost my ability to snap my skinny jeans. Not this time. There are names we had picked out through out the other pregnancies, and never used, but they seem out dated to me now. I want something new. Something fresh and - just right. I also want to choose really carefully because this is likely my last chance to name a baby. I guess I just want to savor that fun one last time. :) This morning me and the boys were having our morning cuddle session on the couch and we were discussing what to name the baby. We usually pick a very important subject during our morning cuddle, while they are still doing those cute stretches and yawns. One morning last week the subject was whether peanut butter and jelly or peanut butter and honey was the greatest. A few days ago we discussed our favorite animals of all time. K's was a wombat (That's my out of the box boy!). Jay loves Tigers. Noe had a hard time making up his mind, but I think he finally decided on a peacock. Oh - if you must know, mine was a giraffe. So this morning we embarked on one of those all important mother son talks. I mentioned the name Abigail for a girl. Jay shot it down on account of there being two of them in his "big boy class" at church (Yes, they are girls, but apparently they have been let in to the "big boy" class"). So I threw out a boy name,"I like Logan". "MO-UMMM! We already have one of those too. He plays in the nursery with me during Mom's group!" Okay, so apparently if there has ever been a time that we have heard of any one with the name, it can not be bestowed upon our baby, according to Jay. K decides that he really likes the name Lola - because he loves to play Charlie and Lola games on the Disney website. He likes the name Charlie too - but Jay quickly let's him know that is not acceptable at all. They have a cousin named Charlie. I really like the name Caden. And I think I have finally found one that can not be argued with by my four year old. We don't know any one with that name. So, I confidently put that name in the mix. Jay's forehead gets all wrinkled up and his eyes squint, as if trying to find the argument for that name. I think I may have scored finally. But then he opens his mouth and I hear his serious voice. "Mom, Caden rhymes with Caleb. We can't do that. We would get them mixed up!" (By the way, Caleb has been lovingly shortened to the first syllable of his name, which I have chosen to simply interpret as "K", and is quite often referred to as that in our house hold - as well as on the blog). Shot down again. Don't get me wrong. We aren't leaving the naming up to our kiddos. But I really love their cute ideas, and although the final decision will be mine and Dave's, I do want them to have some input. Plus, they actually had some legitimate thoughts on it all. After I attacked Jay with tickles and told him to give some of my baby names a chance, I asked them all what they thought of Henry. I was met with three little boy belly laughs. I guess Henry's out. So, give me some ideas people! What are some of your favorite names? Let's just see what Jay has left in his "Very good reasons why the baby can not be named that" collection.

But how????

Dear families {with small children} who have some how managed to keep your home clutter free and tidy: Is it just that way when I have seen your house, because you knew you were having company? (oh how I flatter myself!) Or have you figured it out? The "it" that I have been trying, quite unsuccessfully, to get. How are the sweet little children's books in your book shelf still all in one piece? You know, with covers fully intact and no tape marring the little picture on the front? Are my boys really extraordinarily destructive? Okay, don't answer that one. And those puzzle boxes - it appears that your children haven't torn them numerous times because I don't see layers of tape on yours. What's up with that? I see some of you have white carpet in your home. And it's still, you know, white. ??????????? Oh, and a back yard that doesn't look like it belongs at a day care where at least 37 kids are playing daily? My boys just LOVE their swing set, sand box, little basket ball hoop, and numerous other random toys, tools, and house hold gadgets that have ended up out there... Those straw cups in your cupboards, the cute ones with cars and Nemo on them, the straws aren't all chewed and deformed. Hmmm. Um, mirrors and windows that don't have little fingerprints all over them? I really need to get the Window cleaner out. Again. Wow, and a different bin or basket for each set of toys. I tried that once. It lasted 24 hours. So, how do you find the energy to re do it. And re do it. And re do it. Every 24 hours. Just curious. Much love and an insane amount of respect, A mother who will soon be cleaning 8 little hand prints off from windows. {Wow!!}

We've all been there a time or two -

"Frustration is the difference between expectation and reality" -So much truth to this quote that a dear friend once told me We expect one thing it becomes something else completely It's not what we agreed to And it's so easy to become angry You try to be strong Hold your head up high But your strength is waning No one knows how much you cry Life has rearranged The plan that you had It' not quite how you imagined And it's making you sad Please know you aren't alone Your so often on my mind I pray earnestly for you That HIS peace you will find I know I can't fix it I can't make it all better But I can love, hug, and pray And let you know we're in it together You may not have known the awe that I've had At your poise and acceptance When I would have been mad But you need to know There is a breaking point for all No one withstands pressure With out as much as a fall What you have been doing Takes so much for just one I know you can do it It's just so hard to do alone There is only one place That your strength can be renewed He's waiting right now His eyes right on you Kneel at his feet Just lay there in stillness Don't worry about words Or the need to impress All he wants is you Tired, defeated, and mad He already knows Each disappointment that you've had Right now you're exhausted You don't see an end But you cling to the hope That your faith will not bend My greatest desire Is for peace and sweet rest In the midst of the tumult Your heart will be blessed You are so very loved More than you know And your burdens are shared You are never alone

I think the real me is most happy barefoot and pregnant

Sometimes I think I really contradict myself. For instance, I am truly a girly girl. I started using hairspray and painting my nails when I was like 6. I have loved perfume, lip gloss, and dressing up for as long as I can remember. I love high heels and going out for a nice dinner. I loved our anniversary trip to Chicago back in March. Nice hotel, great shopping at ridiculously high end shops (and when I say "shopping" I mean "looking"). And then there is the other side of me. I grew up in the country. We had huge gardens and raised chickens. I was barefoot from May till October. And that is the side of me which breathed in the smell of dirt and campfire smoke the instant we got out of the truck Friday afternoon and grinned. Dave is an outdoors guy if I've ever met one. He'll do the fun fancy stuff for me every now and then, and he enjoys it to a certain extant, but his real love lies in making fires, being outside, on a boat, in the grass, whatever - it's what he loves. So, as you can imagine, this past weekend of camping was so much fun for each one of us! It was the first time we "really" camped (meaning not in our yard or grandma and grandpa's yard 8 miles away) since having the boys. Turns out they are miniature Dave's. :) Their love of the outdoors was evident in dirty faces (and legs, and arms, and hands...) huge grins, days full of fun and giggles. It was so wonderful to be with my parents and all four of my siblings, their spouses, the nieces and nephews. Good chaos. Full, tiring days. So much sunshine. Peaceful nights listening to the waterfall near where we were, and too much food.

Here we are. All five of us. The span between me, the youngest, and my oldest sister April is only 8 years. Love them all so much! {Yes, I had been enjoying the camp food. Quite alot.} Brothers, Ben and Eric, and sister Trisha, me, and April.

Noe with Grandpa. This little boy loves his grandpa!

Little boys in their element!

Big boys pretending to be little boys... And don't mess with me and my sisters playing Dutch Blitz. Seriously. It's scary. Little boys who look alot alike. Could pass for brothers, but they're cousins. Here's Levi - And Noe - Not like their mama's look that much alike or anything. :) My sister Trish becoming Noe's hero. :) Trish with little boys. There were little boys every where. :) My mom and dad. How cute are they? :) Peacefulness.