Normal is over rated

Sometimes our prayers are not answered in the very specific way that we desire. And we find out that it's still okay. That things could always be worse. That God is in control. Last night we got a call from the radiologist who had been able to take a look at K's EEG. See this post if you don't know what I am talking about. We weren't expecting to get the results yet, but we were glad the wait wasn't as long as we were told it would be. Everything is unchanged. The same "probability" of seizure activity. The same erratic brain wave patterns and abnormal readings. He will stay on the anti seizure medication for now. A pill every morning and a pill every night. It's not that big of a deal. I always have to remind myself in these situations that the fact that nothing has changed can be viewed as a very good thing. Nothing has changed. My K is still a smart, fun loving, crazy little guy. He is growing and progressing well. Erratic brain activity and all. Darn it I probably have erratic brain activity too. They should do EEG's on Dave and I to see if there is a genetic component... :) We will talk to the neurologist who ordered the EEG and oversees all of K's neurological development next month and explore this further. For now I know that things didn't go exactly as I had hoped, but K is healthy, happy, and very stable. His EEG's have never been normal. I'm not sure why I thought this time would be different. K is the boy who is teaching me that normal really is just a setting on the dryer. Who wants normal? (Are you picking up on the 'trying to convince myself' tone of this post?)

"Too hard Mommy..."

Noe's little thumb is chapped and red. It looks awful from the hours of thumb sucking torture it has been through.

I realized how much Noe is beginning to truly understand as I had a little conversation with him last Friday.

Noe: As he yanks his thumb out of his mouth and examines it "Thumb OW-ie!"

Me: "Yeah Noe, you really need to try to stop sucking your thumb so much. You are making it really sore!"

Noe: "Yeah"

contemplative look

"Yeah. Thumb OW-ie. Stop sucking it. Yeah"

Mommy and Noe cuddle on the couch

Thumb subconsciously drifts to mouth

Thumb gets yanked out of mouth

Noe: "No! Thumb OW-ie. "

Me: "Here, I'll hold your hand for you so you don't suck your thumb"

Noe: "Yeah. Thumb OW-ie. No suck thumb. Mommy hold hand. No suck thumb."

Cuddling resumes.

Hand begins to make jerking motions.

Hand starts shaking a little.

Hand flies out of mommy's.

Thumb goes quickly into mouth.

Big blue guilty eyes look up at mommy's.

Thumb slowly slips out of mouth.

Noe: "Wipe off thumb mommy. Thumb wet."

Mommy grabs a towel and wipes off thumb.

Gets up to get some lotion to rub onto dry thumb.

Comes back to find a little boy with big blue eyes cuddled comfortably on the couch with thumb securely in mouth.

Noe: with great look of concern on his face "Too hard mommy! Too hard!"

He's only 2. I'm not terribly concerned with the thumb sucking. I will moisturize it when it gets dry and chapped. I know that he won't go to collage sucking his thumb (Please dear Lord no!).

And honestly I think it is darn cute.

But it did demonstrate to me the innate depravity we are all born with.

How often do we come to the conclusion that something isn't healthy for us only to go back to it again and again? Sometimes we even allow God to "hold our hand" so we will resist the temptation (and please note I am not really comparing myself to God as the hand holder...). But we are so quick to pull it back "just this once, then I'll stop".

In the end our conclusion is simply "Too hard. too hard."

I'm right there in a few scenarios in my life.

I'm praying that God takes my "too hard" and turns it into "I can do all things through you - you give me the strength."

To every thing there is a season

Some times in the midst of this I can't help but think of this

Green grass, blue sky, and bare feet tantalize me this time of year.

But wow, I'm not going to want to do it

My dear sweet 6 year old, 

This year is going to be packed busy for you. The mommy part of me cringes at some of the things that I am purposefully pursuing for you. The practical side of me knows you are ready and that I must challenge you. Not to do so would be doing you a disservice.

Little one, how did you get so grown so fast?? I am so proud of you.

We will be busy attending meetings and getting recommendations for planning kindergarten. Last year we wanted you to go, but had some questions. After coming up against some oppositions from school administrators we further examined our questions and decided not to push for it. No such question this year. You will be going to kindergarten. Your readiness nearly bursts forth in your questions, your abilities, and there is just a look in your eye... Buddy, sometimes I just want so much to let you do what you want. To take the easy way. But I know that way all too well. I have that game down and it has not served me well. The left side of your body works fabulously, and so you use it always. The neglect of your right side is always easiest. But it is not best. I am often amazed at the things you accomplish one sided. You will use your teeth, arm, and feet before you use your last-resort right hand. It often seems to not even occur to you that it is there to be used and to help you. And so this summer we are finally getting you into a specialized pediatric rehabilitation program that will take away your ability to do just that; avoid the difficult.

By restraining what you can do you will be forced to a level of frustration that I wouldn't wish on some one I didn't love with every fiber of my being - certainly not some one I do. So, so much. And yet my love for you is growing to a level of seeing the amazing good it will do you to push through the difficult and raise the bar of ability for you. We tried to get you into the C.H.A.M.P (Comprehensive Hand And Arm Movement Program) a couple of years ago and through some confusion in their office things never moved forward. I believe K, that you were not ready. And now you have achieved so much more. We are now actively pursuing this and are in contact with the team who run this program. Our aim is to begin the intense therapy this summer. For three weeks your "good arm" will be in a cast. I can't even imagine what this will be like for you. Some therapists have described the difficulty of using your right hand and arm as if we were to try to use our toes for activities that require very coordinated skills only fingers and hands can do. You have to use so much concentration to do as much as lift your arms and grasp an object with your right hand.

I will drive you to the rehab center, an hour away, 3 days a week for 3 weeks where we will join a few other kids with similar physical challenges. We will spend a few hours there doing different activities and seeing several therapists. At home I will need to keep a detailed journal and do several planned activities here as well. The cast on your left arm will be removable and we will be given the option to do so, but it has been recommended to just keep it on. If we are going to do this, it will probably be best to do it all the way. The moments will come where everything in me will just want to make it all go away for you. I will want to rip the cast off and stop doing the tough stuff. I will need your daddy to help me to stay strong and do what is best for you - not easiest. Through it all I hope you will see that what we do is out of a love that is so deep, so hopeful.

We see a new readiness that is just thrilling for us. In the next few months we will be getting some new evaluations for you. The Standardized testing that we have done in the past has been a joke. There is nothing about you that is standard my dear. :) Finding a pediatric specialist who is eager to do some psychological /cognitive testing that is designed for visually impaired kids with CP was such an answer to prayer! We will also have an evaluation of your size/eating/nutrition. We will get the results to your EEG, and see your neurologist. Its going to be so busy, and it won't all be comfortable for you - or me. But isn't that part of the big things you and mommy are learning together K? Comfortable may be nice and easy. Such a happy place. :) But it doesn't help us grow much does it? I'm so glad to be learning along side you mister K.

My sense of humor may be slightly hindered by my present circumstances

Maybe it is the extreme lack of sleep. Perhaps the sickness which has taken so much out of me. Perhaps the weakness due to having no appetite for 3 days...but when my friend Angel sent this email to me today I could not stop laughing.

Subject: Always check your children's homework

(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones, I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in. Sincerely, Mrs. Smith

And he most definitely DID share with his mama

In the words of Kate Hudson in the chick flick I saw last Wednesday, Bride Wars, This is so not ideal. Better days ahead.

A give away winner and a tired vlogger

And yes, for the record, I did realize that the "in everything give thanks" message of the sign I made was quite applicable for my currant situation after I posted the video. :)

He didn't carefully knit them together to have them thrown away

We like Sundays for a number of reasons. One of the reasons I am especially thankful for at this moment is that all three boys must nap on Sundays. It is just one of our rules. On the other 6 days of the week K does not nap. He is a great big 6 year old and has quiet time instead. But on Sundays it doesn't matter what your age is or how tired you are - you go to your room and even if you don't sleep you are very quiet for at least a couple of hours. Dave and I used to get some rest during that time but now, busy as life has become, it is precious time to get some much needed things done with out the busyness of tending to little ones at the same time. Usually in amongst the tasks at hand we try to have some relaxation. That is where I find myself at this time. Quiet music playing, boys sleeping (or pretending to), Dave out working in the garage, soft couch, warm blanket, and the new laptop. Is life sweet? So much. Today I am sitting here thinking about life. In our country this is sanctity of human life Sunday. It is a day where we contemplate and celebrate the sanctity and dignity of human life. Of course not every one feels this way or recognizes this day. But I do.

K's foot prints at birth

God created life and it is an amazing gift. It is his to give and take away. I don't have any unrealistic hopes that some day this will be the universal belief. No, in fact I believe it will only get worse before things get better. And I believe the only way things will get completely better is through Christ's coming and our home going. Once a week I leave the comfort of my home and come face to face with women who are making life and death choices. I walk up the steps to the crisis pregnancy center and whisper a prayer that God will speak through me. Because most of the time in and of myself I have no idea what to do or say. I put on a caring, but objective persona. I don't want to push or beg. I want them to see that I care about them. I care about their feelings and what they see as a terrible dilemma. Although my stomach lurches when they mention that they are seriously considering abortion I simply nod my head, maintain eye contact and quietly ask them if they have thoroughly thought that through. I want to scream. I want to fall on my knees and sob through our stories of loss. I want them to know how much our babies meant to us and how wanted they were. Instead I gently tell them about the incredible opportunity they would have to make an adoption plan. How there are so many couples out there who desperately desire a child. We discuss the different kinds of abortion procedures and how harmful they are. We don't use scare tactics and we will not lie to these women. We offer them a free ultra sound. Eighty percent or more of the women who choose to have the ultra sound also choose life for their child. One day a very young looking 15 year old girl came into our center. We'll call her "Jane". Jane looked confused and scared. Her mom had been shocked to find out that her young daughter was pregnant and had quickly come to us, thinking we could perform, or at least give information on, an abortion. Our director sat down with these two women and talked with them for a long time. I was not in the room as I was not yet fully trained, but I was in the room right next to them with 3 other volunteers. That afternoon I was a part of some thing so beyond me. So powerful and beautiful. The 4 of us gathered in a circle and petitioned God for the life of the child who's mother and grandmother were convinced was a problem that must be eradicated. Our tears were wiped away and the smiles replaced to our faces as we bid farewell to the women who had agreed to come back for an ultra sound the following week. It was a tough road for them. Jane was scared and didn't know what to do. She had high school ahead of her. Her mom was appalled that she would even consider any thing other than abortion. But they went to the ultra sound. They saw the baby clearly on the screen. Jane was already over 3 months along. It was a boy. When they saw that precious little boy all talk of ending his life ceased. All of the glory goes to God alone for this amazing change of heart. I began prenatal and parenting classes with Jane. I saw her every week. She was very quiet and it took months for her to begin to open up to me and the other volunteers. But let me tell you - when I saw that sweet, tiny baby boy five months later I could not even pretend that I was not overwhelmed with emotion. He was perfect. Perfect. He had this little button nose and gorgeous dark hair. I still get chills when I think about it, because this life was so close to not coming into existence. Jane continues to faithfully take parenting classes through the center. she earns "mommy dollars" which can be used in our store to buy formula, diapers, wipes, baby clothes, toiletries, etc. This is only one story of so many. Sometimes it seems kind of hopeless to see the enormity of the problem; those who see human life as disposable, compared to the minute and some times faltering solutions. But I can't let hopelessness steal my effectiveness. All I can do is change my little corner of the world. One Jane at a time. "For you created my inmost being; you knot me together in my mothers womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13 and 16

I know that ultra sounds can be very difficult to decipher. This one in particular is not very clear, so I don't expect you to be able to really get it the way I do. Nevertheless, it is very special to me. This is K and J.D. ten days before they were born. It K's head resting on J.D.s leg.

Building Hope

Obviously January holds it's share of difficult memories for our family. Sometimes it's hard not to allow the sadness of our past losses creep in and steal my present joy. Even worse, there are times that my focus turns inward and I miss opportunities because of my own hurts. Sometimes remembering and grieving can distract me from what God has for me to do; His purposes for me here and now. He has been showing me so much lately you guys! As much as I love to write I often face a challenge in organizing the thoughts that overwhelmingly flow through my mind. That is kind of where I am at right now. So many words want to fly off the key board and assault the pages of my blog. It would, at best, confuse you to the point of not returning. :) There is just so much going on... In an attempt to single out one of those many thoughts I want to talk to you about a family who has faced far more than I can even imagine. In hearing their story I fell to my knees in shame and asked God to continue to take my eyes off of myself and on all of those around me who are hurting. Friends, please join me in praying for the Maxey family. I don't know them really. I only heard about them a few days ago, but already my heart feels some what bound to them and their situation. The Maxey family's 3 month old daughter has cancer. She has a tumor on her brain and on her spine. Her survival rate is about 3%. This family has already lost one daughter to cancer. Their first daughter passed away at 14 months old. They do have a son, who is two. So far he has been extremely healthy but the doctors are ordering for him to have an MRI. Something in the mixture of the parents' genes are causing this unspeakable horror.

We know about survival rates. We know what it's like to feel helpless, at times even hopeless. We know the amazing feeling of being prayed for and held up when we could hardly put one foot in front of the other. Perhaps this is why I feel very passionate about encouraging this family. I found out about this family, and their heartbreaking circumstances, through another blogger, Rachel @ Musings of a future pastor's wife (previously posted about as the awesome pendant maker in my last post). Rachel has an amazing heart. She has set up a blog to try to encourage this family. She is asking any one who is willing to write a letter to this family and email it to her. She is going to bind all of the letters into a book and present it to them. It would be incredible to get thousands of letters from all over the world! I am going to be working on my letter while the boys nap this afternoon. There is so much that my heart longs to share with this mother. And yet, tears come to my eyes as I even think about it. Please check out the site (you can do so by clicking on the image at the beginning of this post), Consider what you might be able to do to encourage this family, and if you have a blog think about posting the button on your blog to get the word out. *Deep breath* (because this is all kind of exhausting). It's just such a weighty thing. It is hard to think about. It hurts to feel their pain. And yet this is a large part of our purpose here on earth. To hold one another up. To, indeed, feel their pain and share it. More than anything I just ask that you pray for this family who face so many uncertainties at this time. There is one thing that is set-in-stone certain. The grace of God that is already being poured out on this family.

Payin' it forward

I love winning things! It's just such a fun little surprising treat. Especially for one, such as myself, who seldom wins anything. What's even more fun for me though is crafting and giving stuff away. So, that is the lead in to this post... A while back (probably can be measured in months by now...) I won a bloggy give away that was extra special. Rachel @ Musings of a Future Pastor's Wife had won a pay it forward give away and kept the goodness going in her own crafty giveaway. With a pay it forward give away you enter to win on the premise that if you are the winner you will, at some point (maybe even months later), do a give away of your own. I was one of several who won Rachel's give away. She was pretty generous. Rachel has an Etsy shop with all kinds of crafty goodness. Go to her blog and from there you can find a link for her Etsy shop. She makes the neatest pendants from scrabble tiles! As neat as they look in pictures, I have to say that when I received mine in the mail it was even prettier. :) She does a lot of different designs, colors, and fonts. I picked a brown cross. Isn't it fun? So, I have finally gotten some crafting of my own done so that I can keep the give away fun going! I made this little sign as a reminder to keep a thankful heart in everything. It just happens to look pretty good in my house and it just so happens to be a reminder I need so much each and every day. :) I will be making an identical one to keep. 'Cause I am generous like that. Or selfish, or some thing.

All you need to do is leave a comment on this post and you will be entered to win the sign. Be sure to have your email address included in your comment so I can contact you if you are the wonner. I sense that some of you are nervous now. You think that if you enter you will have to come up with some crafty project and have your own give away. Well, I am going to make this easy for you. Because I like you, and I don't want any one to have bloggy give away anxiety.

If you enter and happen to win I would love it if you just kept the pay it forward idea some where in your mind. You don't have to do anything crafty, do a bloggy give away, or post about it, jut look for opportunities to give some thing away some time in the next few months. You do not even have to have a blog to enter. Now if you win, you really enjoy crafting, and have just been waiting for an opportunity to make some thing to give away then please do! :) If that is the case you will just come up with your idea and compose a blog post similar to this one, keeping the pay it forward give away on a roll.

This give away will be open until Monday, January 19th, at which time a random winner will be drawn. Go on now, enter to win and then go tell your friends all about it! :) On a different note, I want to sincerely thank every one for their incredibly kind comments during the anniversaries of J.D. s birth and death. It means so much to me!

He made me better

It's not like I am angry. No, and I don't feel animosity at God. Not sayin' that was never a factor in the process of grief. There were lots of questions... But regardless of the many questions my mind can conjure up - my God is good all the time. He has shown me time and again that he cares deeply for me. He has brought a peace that passes understanding into my heart. He is my hope. I am in process of making him my everything. Now it is just a heavy feeling around my heart. In the busy day-to-day rush of life with three little ones and a household to take care of, many days which were previous milestones of grief now speed by me - hardly noticed at all. But this date will always be one that hits me with an awareness of significance. It couldn't rush by me even if I wanted it to. And truth be told, I really don't want to forget. Sometimes remembering hurts, but it also helps me to retain a bit of what I fear may slowly begin to fade. The memory of his soft skin. The light brown hair that graced his tiny head and culminated in such a tidy little swirl at the back of it. Some things I am already forgetting. I especially struggle to catch a glimpse of the emotions of that time. Some which tormented me and some which brought more joy than I had ever known. Time has decreased the raw intensity of the pain. But I still struggled with this feeling of weightiness through out this past weekend. He died on a Sunday. The twelfth of January. Six years ago. At this point I can even see alot of good that has come from the tragedy. I have heard it said that when your faith is tested you come out stronger. I say amen to that. I don't want to go back to who I was before. But even with all of that positive, it still hurts. It still hurts. I'm still the mommy who held her little boy hopefully when he was only a few days old. And then held him as I felt the deepest grief I have ever known when he was 10 days old. I'm the mommy who had never known the strange kind of sadness which feels nothing, until I heard the nurse declare the time of death and I could not comprehend the reality of that moment. Her voice sounded tinny and far away. I felt sad for whoever it was that had to go through such a thing. I couldn't let it sink in just yet. The past few years have brought healing in leaps and bounds. It still hurts. God has become so much more real to me. He has comforted, restored, blessed. Most days I can not help but grin from ear to ear as I express my thankfullness for what we do have. Even thankfullness for the ten days we had with him. Then there are the days where it just plain hurts. Becasue I serve an amazing God who heals, but I still cry human tears. Forever loving the child who has caused my faith to grow in ways I never dreamed. J.D. 1-2-03 - 1-12-03

Amazing!

K was, understandably, nervous as we made our way to the hospital yesterday. I tried to make it fun and we sang silly songs and talked about Rocket's next mission on the Little Einstein's. That is speaking K's language. :)

I brought his walker, but once I arrived I realized the the distance we had to walk was quite a bit more than K can comfortably walk on his own, so I grabbed a wheelchair and took him for a silly ride. That seemed to take his mind off from things temporarily.

We won't know the results of the EEG until the end of February, but I am still so thrilled about what I get to report to you today! I.can.not.believe.it. :) He did it perfectly!

There is an ideal amount of awake time and asleep time which makes the EEG as accurate as possible. As I said in yesterdays post K has never slept at all during these tests. We have tried all of their suggestions; keeping him up late and getting him up very early, no naps, bringing his blanket etc. NOTHING has worked. He gets himself all worked up and just fights sleep with all he has - and he has a stubborn streak, let me tell you! :)

Regardless of our lack of success on getting him to sleep for previous EEG's I still tried all of the tricks this time. We got him up at 5:30 am and I was trying to keep myself awake! I could tell he was getting tired around the time we were leaving for his appointment. "Great!" I thought, "It's working!" But alas, He was asleep within about 15 minutes of our hour long trip. I was afraid I had lost my chances of getting him to sleep later.

He definitely fought sleep for a while once we were in the testing room. He didn't like the technician marking all over his head and hooking all of the electrodes up. No, he had no appreciation for that part. But then we turned down the lights and I experienced some thing with him for the first time. He laid his head on my chest during the EEG and let his eyes close. They opened a few times, but then he let himself relax and slept for about 20 minutes. He woke up right when they were about to wake him for the last part of the test. It was phenomenal! This will be the most accurate test they will have ever gotten from him.

Of course after being such a brave boy he got his desired reward on the way home:

That's my boy! :)

Now we wait for the results.- Of the EEG, not the french fries. We all know what the results of the french fries will be, but he could use a little bit of fattening up...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers!! I can not tell you how appreciated they were!

Electroencephalography

Yep, I know some big words. :) Just popping in quickly today with a little prayer request. Today at 2:00 I will be bringing K in to the hospital where he was born for a routine EEG. This is a Scalp EEG which measures the summed activity of post-synaptic currents. Yeah, whatever that means. Basically a technician will be placing about 25 electrodes on K's scalp, forehead, and chest to measure brain waves and patterns. As I said, this is routine and no cause for alarm. He had his first EEG when he was less than a week old. The NICU nurses thought they saw him have what may have been a seizure. It was never confirmed. The first EEG, and all following EEG's showed great potential for seizures and highly abnormal brain activity. We have never actually seen him have a seizure. A couple of times I questioned weather he was having a petit mal seizure, but was never sure. Petit mal seizures are pretty much a 'staring spell' that some refer to as an absence seizure. It's like for a few minutes the person having the petit mal seizure is not really present with you. Even though we have never really seen K have any confirmed seizures, the high potential for seizures and abnormal brain patterns seen on his past EEG results have prompted doctors to put K on, and keep him on, medication that he must take each day. At first we had to go have these EEG's done a couple of times a year. It was very exciting when we were able to just have them done annually. The results have yet to come back normal. Here are my requests: First of all K has to be awake for part of the test and asleep for part. Ha ha! That's kind of a big joke. He gets so nervous during these kinds of tests (and no one can blame him!) that it doesn't matter how tired he is - he will do every thing in his power to stay awake. And he is just that stubborn. I let him stay up a little bit later than normal last night and I got him up at 5 this morning. He's been going strong ever since. So, it would be awesome if he would be able to cooperate and go to sleep for part of this test! I don't think he ever has in the past, and they have still been able to get some what accurate readings. Still, I know they really prefer him to sleep for at least a small portion of it. Fortunately I will be able to lay down on the bed with him. I will bring his special quilt and soft pillow that he sleeps with each night. I'm really hoping that this time he will feel more comfortable. It does help that he is getting older and able to understand more. You know, I can just look him in the eye and say, "Honey, the nice man is just going to measure the summed activity of your post-synaptic currents. It won't hurt and it will all be okay." I'm sure that will help! Also, it would be wonderful if this would be our first EEG that would no longer show the seizure potential and we could finally get him of the medicine he has been on for 6 years! I'll let you all know how it goes!

Good times

Wow. I'm sure many of you are in the same place I am right now. Trying to get back into routines. Cleaning, organizing, finding places for new toys, recalling fun memories, missing the vacation time, but also glad to be home and settled. It's all just a little overwhelming isn't it? I am finding it to be not so easy to ease back into pre vacation life. The past two weeks were quite full and busy! I've missed being on line, but more than any thing I just enjoyed being with my family! I've decided there is just way too much to write to even begin to try to fill you in on my life during my blogging absence. I will probably fill you in a little here and a little there, but likely alot of my personal memories are just that; personal to me and likely a bit tedious to all of you. :) Today I just want to share one special part of my holiday. This was something I had SO much fun with, could hardly wait to see a reaction from, and got more than I had hoped. :) I've mentioned my sister Trish on my blog a time or two - or more. She's just that special to me. :) We are only 22 months apart and are even closer emotionally than we are numerically. :) That sounded really corny - but what evah. It's true. Over the years Trish has often mentioned this New Zoo Revue game that we had when we were kids. We played it often and really liked it. Hard to believe it was probably 20+ years ago! Like most well liked and oft played with toys and games it eventually must have found the fate that such things do - in some far away broken toy and game land. :) About a year ago I started looking for the game on ebay. I had no luck. I thought it would be so fun to surprise Trish with this game some time. I would check ebay every few months to see if some one had listed it in an auction, and finally in November I found it! I was excited, but then started having second thoughts. I mean, really, this was a game for little kids. She could be really bummed by it - hoping for something a little bit more age appropriate and all. :) The very day I was having second thoughts Trish and I talked on the phone and she brought the game up in conversation again. "Okay", I thought, "this seals the deal. I have to get it!" :) See for yourself~

Christmas with my side of the family 12-28-08

So much fun! My four siblings and I spent the next hour or so playing and laughing together and it seemed we were all transported temporarily back to our childhood. :)

Someday perhaps I will tell you about the precious time spent with my out of state cousins whom I haven't seen in a long time, how I realized as never before how important family really is to me, about our Christmas Eve camp out in our living room, the ice we traveled on for four hours and God's protection, the trip to see my family that can be made in about 8 1/2 hours that we made in 11 1/2, the fun with sisters, the oh-so-classy dress nabbed at target for $12 (important stuff!!), My sweet mom and dad who delighted in surprising us with a very unexpected money gift, the hotel stay, which happened partly because of that gift, which made our return trip so much more enjoyable, the swimming fun, the birthdays celebrated, the hopes for our new year...

Whew! There is just SO much. I guess I did just tell you all about it though didn't I? :)

{Six Years}

(Scroll down and pause playlist)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thinking about 2003

Happy New Year friends! Ready for another one of my birth stories? I have another one comin' at you, and next month, yet another. :) We have this thing for winter babies. Or maybe I should say we have a thing for spring...? Tomorrow K turns 6. It seems pretty ridiculous to me. I just can hardly get my mind around the fact that he is getting so grown. Tomorrow I have a special little look at the past 6 years that I am going to share with you. Come back for that, it's pretty cool! :) Have I reeled you in yet? The New Years day previous to the day of K and J.D.s birth was one of cautious hopefulness for us. I had been on bed rest at home for a week. As my body progressed it was needful that I be hospitalized to try to further put off their birth. I was not quite 6 months pregnant, and obviously scared. We wanted our boys to be healthy so much! We wanted more time. I tried to stay so still and do every thing the doctors told me. We prayed for many more weeks. It was hard for me to spend my days in the hospital and even as I prayed that I would be there for 10-12 more weeks I inwardly shuddered at the thought. My doctors hoped for, at the very least, 3 more weeks. That wasn't to be. My parents had spent some time with us while I was on bed rest at home. They stayed for a while during my hospital vigil, but were finally assured by the doctors that I was in there for the long haul and they began the 8 hour trip back home. I remember our friends Chad and Rachel coming up to the hospital with delicious food and smiles on New Years Eve to try to cheer us up. It was so thoughtful of them and really did help turn around the somber mood. I fell asleep often that night. The amount of drugs in my body was not real conducive to normal conversation and fun. I especially grew to detest the magnesium sulfate. It made me overly warm and anxious. It was supposed to be a powerful agent in stopping labor. It was only one of 6 different drugs I was on. As detestable as some of them were, they did delay the inevitable. Some days, as I laid alone in the hospital room that had become my temporary abode I felt desperate and would cry for hours. Part of it was fear. Part of it was the medications. Part of it was lack of sleep. I hardly slept at all at night. I cried whenever Dave left. Some of the staff were wonderful, some left much to be desired. I remember one nurse in particular who always seemed to be in a bad mood. They had to monitor the babies every few hours. She never could seem to get the leads on right to be able to hear their heart beats and she would get really grumpy about it. They were supposed to monitor heart rates for about an hour and I had to lie very still and flat on my back during this process. One time the nurse forgot about me. I called a few times, but they were too busy to acknowledge me. I remember laying there, having to go to the bathroom badly, being uncomfortable, scared as contractions get stronger, and just praying. On New Years Eve we watched fireworks out my hospital window and I laid in bed wondering what the year would bring. I'm glad I couldn't see into the future right then. The afternoon of the second brought more contractions. All of those lovely medications were increased. I had a constant IV drip with magnesium. I couldn't feel any of the contractions. It still seems so bizarre to me and I don't understand why. the only way we knew that true active labor had started was by monitor next to my bed. It was showing big peaks and valleys by evening. Nothing was stopping it. I couldn't believe that things were really in motion for me to give birth. The nurses began bringing supplies into my room. We called my parents, who had just recently made it home. They got back in their car and started the trip back. We called a few more people. And we prayed. I couldn't stop shaking. Dave knelt by my bed and I was so touched by his prayer. He told God that ever since we had conceived these boys we hadn't seen them as ours. They were always God's boys. We pleaded for their lives, but dedicated them to God. They took me to the operating room just in case a C-section would be needed. The plan was to try a natural birth and hope both boys cooperated. J.D. was the one causing the trouble at the moment and was very low. I was completely dilated at that point, but all contractions had stopped. The operating table was so sterile, hard, and cold. I was very uncomfortable. I had oxygen strapped over my face and couldn't see much as my glasses had been taken off. I was shaking uncontrollably. Although the boys were small, pushing them out was difficult due to not having the help of contractions to assisit in the process. J.D. was born after about a half hour of pushing. K was stubborn and almost caused the need of a C-section. He was not turned the right way and was stuck. I panicked. My doctor (who was not very kind by the way) acted quickly. He made a quick cut and reached in to turn K. That was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced in my life. I had no pain medication and it was never offered. Y'all know how I am with that... :) The boys were quickly rushed to the NICU. Dave went with them. I wanted Dave to go with them, but I cried when I was all alone. I was so cold. My body was in shock and pain. It seemed to take hours for the doctor to do the stitching. I wanted so badly to see my babies, but I was returned to my room to rest for at least an hour. I tried to get out of bed to prove I could go see my babies. I nearly fainted. They were right that time. A few hours later I was wheeled into the NICU. I finally got to meet them, but at a distance. They were critically ill. My birth experience with J.D. and K was so different then how I had dreamed it would be. The words that keep coming to my mind are cold and fear. The months following my first experience with giving birth were mixtures of the deepest pain, the most intense love, and the greatest miracles I have witnessed. See you tomorrow!