{2 weeks}

I don't want to forget your little tiny newborn-ness which I know will soon only be a distant memory. Your little legs that have just about zero fat on them. Those little grunts and squeaks... You rarely really cry and we only heard you scream those first two nights. Now it's just little "I'm hungry" noises. I never want to forget the way you love anything that is reminiscent of life in the womb. Being swaddled tightly, gentle rocking -back and forth. Warmth. Curling up - getting your body as small is it possibly can get. I don't want to forget the way that you look up at me with those huge dark eyes when you nurse. You just stare up into my eyes - all the while never losing focus on your meal. Because really, lets face it, you are a huge, huge fan of eating. You are demanding it, I am supplying it, and right now I feel like I could feed several babies... I want to treasure the memory of our early morning "just us" time. After daddy leaves for work and before your brothers are up you really wake up. That 6am feeding is followed by sweet whispers and cuddles in mommy's bed. You want to smile - you really do, and especially during that time! I so look forward to that first smile which will likely break through in a month or so. Baby Kai, you are blessing this family in so many ways. My hopes weren't extremely high for a smooth transition. And I am blown away by the ease to which you have so naturally become a part of "us". "Us" - this family of six. Stubborn, loud, sweet, bickering, busy, loving, demanding, rewarding family. You are a part of us and we love you fiercely. Last week I received a card from a sweet lady who attends church with us and what she wrote inside really touched my heart and reminded me of why you have been given to us. I had many congratulations and sweet words to welcome you from friends and family - but these particular words reached beyond the sweet happy time of welcoming a new baby and into the truth of the responsibility we have for the next several years. She said, "We are so happy for you and are praying for you as you begin the journey of showing another sweet boy the way to Jesus." It's been two weeks and every day that is my prayer baby boy. Because that's really what it is all about.

That mom

I'm the mom who watches the bus slowly make its way out of my driveway. And I watch till it is gone. Every single day. I'm the mom who can't remember if she got up with the baby at midnight or not. No memory of it whatsoever. He may have gone his typical 4 hour stretch last night, or possibly 6. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm the mom who physically hurts when my boys hurt. I'm the mom who almost got sick when I heard the cries and saw the blood of my four year old. Stepping on a rake hurts. It hurts him, it hurts me. I'm the mom who sneaks a bowl of ice cream when the two middle boys go down for nap. I'm the mom who still gets that split second of surprise when I open the back hatch of my mini van and see a small wheel chair and walker. I'm the mom who messes up the schedule I created for my baby just so I can hold him a little bit longer. I'm the mom who can't get enough baby snuggles, but still sometimes cringes when I hear the hungry cry in the early am. I'm the mom who asks K to turn the radio down - over, and over, and over - but when I find myself alone in the van (oh so rarely) turn my radio up to a ridiculous level. I'm the mom who loves to cook, and yet on those tired days has not been above putting a big bowl of pop corn on the living room floor and handing bowls out to everyone so they can help themselves. I'm the mom who can be so hard on myself that I convince myself I am inadequate for the job. And then I realize how true that is and ask for the strength I need. I'm the mom who has learned a little bit more about grace every year. I am the mom who spends an average of 5 hours each day nursing. I am the mom who can not believe how blessed I am as I look around my living room in the evenings and observe a sweet daddy giving "helicopter" rides to four little people who look at him like he is the coolest superhero of them all. I am the mom who tries too hard. I am the mom who wants to do it all, be every thing to every body, and look fabulous all the while. I am the mom who is beginning to see the impossibility and undesirable aspect of that improbable scenario. I am the mom who wishes for 5 seconds of peace and quiet. Who wishes there was a lock on the bathroom door. Who has been known to go to walmart for "bread and milk" when we have ample amounts of both - really just to get away for a while. I am the mom who still can't believe that in the last 6 1/2 years I have given birth to 5 boys. I am the mom who has to do at *least* one load of laundry every day to stay ahead. I am the mom who knows deep down in my heart that my life is an amazing display of God's blessings. That the dreams of my heart have come true right before my eyes. That it is not an easy life or a life that can be lived with out the help of the one who orchestrated it all. I am the mom whose life has never been more busy, whose heart has never been more full, whose God has never been more real.

Time

And time just marches right on. Did I expect it to halt? Even slow? Certainly not. I know all too well the realities of time. It just seems that for so long there was this highly anticipated event - a goal so to speak. Sometimes it felt like it would be forever. Sometimes we hurried to complete tasks - knowing it would be so very soon. And now, as things settle into a routine and schedules once again become our friend, I feel like a fast forward button has been pushed. Since the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a blur I feel like some one took the scissors and chopped part of my calendar right out. I was inside the hospital or house for several days in a row and now as I go out I see a huge change has come over my world. Trees that were green and slightly gold are no longer green at all. Vibrant colors speckle the landscape. Some on trees, most on the ground now. There's a chill in the air, a warmth in our home, and a new completeness to our family. Things are changing and developing. We are sleeping at night. I just can't even begin to express how thankful I am for that. I am sleeping better than I was when I was pregnant. Baby Kai has learned the correct order of day and night. Our first 3 nights at home were very hard. He slept peacefully during the day, but was up virtually all night. I was a mess from getting 1-2 hours of sleep each night. And then (cue hallelujah chorus...) on night 3 he went to sleep at 8:30 and I had to wake HIM up at midnight. He nursed wonderfully and then went back to sleep - waking up with a little squeak at 4 am. Every night since then has been almost identical to that pattern. Each night I find myself not wanting to expect it and get my hopes up - but then he does so well and I just thank God over and over. I know I can't pause things just how they are right now, and I am trying not to waste my time wishing I could do so, but wow they don't stay little for long. I want to drink in every detail, capture each scent, sound, and emotion of this time. Nine days old already. And time already seems to be playing tricks on me. Just about sleeping through the night, trying to smile (so, maybe it's just gas... but still), and yesterday he rolled over. The rolling over must have just been a chance happening - but really?? My other boys didn't even try until about 4 months. It's all happening so fast... Monday morning my parents went home and on Tuesday Dave went back to work. And I jumped right back in... getting up at 6:30 to nurse followed by waking the other boys, getting K ready for school by 7:30, breakfast, loading every one up to run Jay to preschool, Awana, mom's group, dishes, laundry. Our routine. All of you moms who have brought a new baby home to an already busy household can relate I'm sure. Those nerves of "wow, can I do this? Now that we have added one more to an already slightly chaotic environment -how will everything fall into place??" And then that grace that God extends. I think there is a very special brand of grace for new moms. :) And I need every bit of it, for it is constant and busy here. But let me just say, it's not even close to how crazy I thought it might be when I allowed my imagination to run away on me. Kai fits in to our lives so naturally. Part of it is because he is patient. He is content. He seems to just take every thing as it comes. Part of it is because I am not planning my life around him. He gets fed every two hours during the day, and of course that has to be planned around. We get in as much cuddle time as possible too - but he has to work into our schedule. By early evening I am so tired it takes all I have to keep going. Must load dishwasher, clean up table, fold laundry, get pj's for little boys. Even with the decent nights of sleep - tired wraps around me like a well worn and familiar sweater. I have to keep remembering that I am still recovering. My body has been through alot and I must be patient with the process. Sometimes I have to stop myself from taking on too much and give that little "You had a baby last Wednesday" pep talk. :) Yes mom, I am really trying to take care of me. Yes Auntie A, I am drinking water a plenty. :) I am so blessed that things are going this well. This tired is a tired I can function through. The bursting into tears 58 times a day stage has passed. How wonderful to discover more about a God who reinforces us with every bit of energy that we need for each moment! So time, there are moments that I feel like you may be my enemy, but I know that you are just a part of life. With you I am gaining confidence, wisdom, and precious moments that I will hold to forever.

Because some people like details...

...And because I don't want to forget.   Malachi's birth story.

 We really thought he was coming on Sunday, October 11th.  Although I did have my doubts, since I had been sent home in my pregnancy with Jay,  after being in labor and having every thing stop at 6 cm. I wanted it to be the real thing so much on Saturday and Sunday.  I was excited. I just knew in my heart that Malachi was okay.  At that time he was two weeks early - but Jay had been 3 weeks early and Noe had been 3 weeks early and they each were so healthy and so "full term" in every way.

 I had gone to bed around 9:30 pm, Sat. night, and awoke around 10:30.  Although I had been having contractions for months - and many more in the previous few weeks - they felt different that night. I only waited around for a few.  My original plan was to get in our wonderful jacuzzi tub when labor started and just relax for as long as I could.  I wanted to be sure that labor was real to avoid going through the process of getting admitted to the hospital - hanging out there for who-knows-how-long, and then being sent home.  Um - yeah, what I wanted to avoid was exactly how it played out that night.  I did not stick to my original plan because nerves kicked in a bit.  I had been 3 centimeters dilated at my appointment the previous Wednesday and I was afraid of waiting too long.  When we got to the hospital I was relieved to find out I was 5 centimeters.  Contractions were coming every 5 minutes.  They were very mild, but lasting longer and going all the way around to my back where the pain was beginning to intensify.  I knew it was real this time.  Within 4 hours I had dilated to "6-7" centimeters.  Progress!

 My dear friend Jasmine came to the hospital and stayed up with me all night. Dave kept himself occupied with a little Discovery channel "Dirty jobs". That was some gross tv viewing - but it amused us as we waited for contractions to get stronger and closer together. They never did. In the early hours of Sunday morning we all began to wonder... The doctor on call came in and assessed the situation. Contractions had become very inconsistent.  My dilation stayed the same for hours. I was pretty discouraged.  I had fallen asleep, lightly, a couple of times but for the most part had been up all night. My doctor was out of town and the doctor on call was not inclined to do anything to get my labor going stronger.  He was concerned about me being only 37 weeks, 3 days.  I did not share his concerns and I told him if he just broke my water I would quickly dilate the other 3 centimeters and we would have a baby within a few hours.  I know my body.  I know my history.  Let me tell you, there is nothing like being ready - laboring on and off for 20 hours, getting very little sleep, and then completely stalling out and going home. Just a little anticlimactic. I most certainly wanted God's best timing and I did not want to rush the birth if it was, indeed, too early. I can't explain it - I just knew that he was ready and every thing would be okay.

 As most of you know it was during this time that Dave went home to get a little rest and check on the boys when he discovered K was not doing well and that he was displaying some signs of possible shunt malfunction.  As he left with K, to a hospital in the opposite direction as the one I was in, my labor picked up for a few hours and we both wondered if he would be present at Malachi's birth.   I stayed at the hospital until 8:pm - but by then every thing had completely stopped and I was discharged.  The consensus seemed to be that Malachi, who was already slightly turned the wrong way, had turned even more in the posterior position and contractions were simply pushing him against my tail bone instead of my cervix.  Big sigh...

 My mother in law came and picked me up and then proceeded to completely take care of me and the boys during the next 2 days.  At first I wanted to say I didn't need the help - didn't need her to spend the nights or take Jay to preschool, but I am so glad that I didn't do that whole "I'm fine I can take care of it" bit that I so often do.  Having her here was so comforting and helpful.

 On Tuesday I went in to see my doctor.  She checked me and I was STILL 6 centimeters.  At that point I kind of went into an emotional tirade. :) My poor doctor. I suppose she has seen her fair share of emotional pregnant women though. "I am SIX centimeters dilated! My back hurts constantly! I am having contractions all the time and they aren't doing any thing! I can't sleep! We are 25 minutes from the hospital!  What if he turns and it goes really fast?  I am stressed!  This is silly!  I know he is okay, I know you have to be cautious and I can appreciate that, but look at my history!"  She sympathized, but continued to say she could not do anything for at least another week. Then she looked at me and paused for a good long time.  "Okay, let me go talk with a few other doctors.." About 10 minutes later she came back with a few options.  After taking the test to determine Malachi's lung development I went home and waited for results. She said they would be back in a few hours.  I got home around 2:30. I waited, and waited, and waited.  I was so curious and waiting seemed to take forever! Dave and K finally arrived home right around the time that I did that afternoon. It was so wonderful to all be under one roof again and we enjoyed our evening.  My phone was never more than a few inches away from me as we continued to wait for my doctor to call. I finally decided that the results likely were not coming in that night and began to ready myself for bed.  We put the boys down for the night and just as I was about to try to get some rest myself - I got the call. "His lungs are completely developed.  I can deliver you tomorrow. Can you be at the hospital at 8 am?"

 Oh the relief - the joy - the anticipation!! :) The next morning I got ready to go and took one more good long look at that belly.
My doctor broke my water at 8:45 am.  And nothing happened.  I walked.  And walked.  And nothing happened.  I walked for about an hour, then we started talking about pitocin.  I decided to first try some position changes.  I leaned over the birthing ball for a while.  That had been recommended as a great position to try to turn him the right way.   And that is exactly what kicked in the good strong contractions.  No pitocin needed.

 

I don't remember all of the exact times, but I think it was a matter of about 3 hours or so from the time my water was broke until labor really kicked in.  And that is when the smile was pretty much wiped right off my face.

 

-Which of course was a good thing and meant progress. I dilated to 8 cm - asked for an epidural and within about a half hour was completely dilated and ready to push. Dave, Jasmine, and my wonderful nurse Jill were incredible encourager's as I embarked on, what I think, is some of the hardest, most taxing work and effort any one could ever exert. They kept telling me they could see that he had lots of dark hair and that motivated me a lot.

 

Malachi was born about a half hour from when I started pushing.  One minute I was exhausted and working and wondering if I was making any progress at all - and the next... ...there he was.  And he was beyond beautiful.  I knew it would happen, that immediate multiplying of my heart's capacity to love.  I have experienced it before.  Every time.  But it still amazed me as they laid him on my chest - that feeling of all consuming adoration.

 

"You are ours, and you are beautiful! We have waited so long, and here you are! This perfect God breathed miracle!" I couldn't help the deep emotion any more than I could help the steady rhythm of my own heart.

This perfectly formed miniature person was so whole and healthy. So much dreaming, so much hoping and preparation.  And then in that moment there is this amazing culmination of all of it.  The day Malachi was born also happened to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.  In the first few minutes that I held him my heart reflected not only on our amazing blessings, but the two losses that have ripped my heart in two.  As Malachi snuggled into my arms I felt another familiar feeling. It was a continuation of the mending of that tear.  A certain restoration of the despair we felt - even one short year ago.  It was a beautiful day.  One which ended in a very healthy baby and mama.  Things went very smoothly.  We felt such completeness and rejoicing as our fifth son came into the world. I wanted to get it written down so I would never forget, but I know in my heart I would never - I could never- forget.

Processing, stretching, and beauty

I feel like I am still processing so much - so much that has gone on this past week. The emotions were crazy. The original excitement, and then frustration, decisions, worry, stress, wondering, hoping praying, and then knowing. Knowing K was okay. Knowing that Malachi's lungs were developed enough for the outside world. Knowing that Dave would be there for his birth. And then finally knowing that Malachi was really on his way. And here we are. Starting on our new normal. Wow. A family of six. Stretching, growing, learning. Stretching. That word seems so appropriate right now. Our hearts have stretched to love four little boys beyond anything we ever thought was possible. Our lives have stretched as we incorporate a new little one and try to learn the best way to do all of this. My mind and body have been stretched as I learn to try to function on virtually no sleep. Managing recovery, added to getting nursing established, lack of sleep, and post postpartum hormones has been a stretch. I have cried when I held him and marveled at his perfection. I have cried when I've thought about all I want to do to care for the other boys and my household - and just can't do much more than nurse, drink, eat, and sleep right now. Such happy tears, and some times overwhelmed tears - even awe inspired tears. This stretching involves so much beauty. Breathless wonder. And let me tell you it can be painful to stretch too. God is so good. We are so thankful. We are thankful for this precious new life. We are thankful for all of the little adjustments that are taking place. We are thankful for grandparents who drove 9 hours to spend the weekend loving on little boys who have alot to process right now too. We are thankful for a church family that embraces and takes care of us. We are thankful for friends and family who rejoice with us and love on us. This has been an incredible week, and even though I am into that stage that can only be described as a "fog" - I am so very aware of the blessings being poured in to our lives right now. And oh my - Malachi is so beyond precious. - Even at 2 am when he decides to scream for a couple of hours. Even then. :)

{Smitten}

Malachi Joshua born at 2:45 this afternoon 7 lbs. 7 oz 19 1/2 in. long Perfect Beautiful Miraculous

The one where I say the words I have been hoping to...

I am going to have a baby tomorrow. :) Amnio results came back confirming that Malachi's lungs are completely developed. I am going in to the hospital at 8 am (Wednesday morning) and my doctor is going to break my water. Wow. I'm excited and nervous and just so amazed that we are finally going to meet him!! I would so appreciate your prayers still. I thought Malachi had turned Sunday night, to be in the right position, but after last nights back labor pains I really do not think that was the case. I have heard that having a posterior baby can make for a long hard labor. Please pray he turns in the night or during labor and that all goes well. And join me in thanking God for his perfect timing. Next time I post it will hopefully be pictures of our newest little guy. :)

The one where I spare you from the details of a long sharp needle piercing through my body...

Just a quick update on the happenings of our family. Seriously - I am so not used to such drama as we have had this week! Dave and I looked at each other this afternoon and were trying to figure out what day/date it was. - It took us a while. :) Tuesday the 13th, Tuesday the 13th... Ah - but yes, if Dave and I looked at each other this afternoon than that tells you my first bit of news - he is home!!! :) Oh how I missed that man. He is such a strong support to me that having him by my side is just what I need right now! K is still obviously fighting off the virus as he continues to be a lot sleepier than normal and not his normal perky self. However, he is much improved form Sunday and Monday and I was very relieved when he asked me for something to eat a few hours ago! I love how he asks - I sure missed that little bug too!! He said "Mom, shall I have something to eat?" And I said, "Why yes you shall K. What can I get for you?" And he said "Shall you make me some toast with lots of Cinnamon mom?" "I shall my dear!" :) He ate up those two pieces of toast quickly and had some ice water. I will likely keep him home from school for a few days - maybe the rest of the week. I went to see my doctor today. My doctor was out of town when I was in the hospital Sat. night and Sunday. I had a routine appointment with her for tomorrow and switched it to today so that I could have her check me and so we could discuss a plan. I continue to have quite a bit of back "labor" - although I don't know if you can call it that if it is accomplishing nothing. I am still 6-7 cm. I have been struggling with knowing how far progressed I am, yet being stalled out, having the pain, not sleeping well, and wondering if when it does kick in it will be really super fast. We live about 25 minutes form the hospital and well - it's just all a little stressful to think about. My doctor continues to be concerned about the baby's lung development. I will be 38 weeks on Friday. She understands my situation and does sympathize, but feels like the risk of breaking my water or any kind of inducing is just too high with me still being 2 1/2 weeks from my due date. This afternoon we opted to do an amniocenteses to check on baby's lung development. That is kind of a whole blog post in itself - but in the end I was glad we did it. I have not heard the results back yet and am assuming at this point it will be tomorrow before I know any thing. Apparently this is a very accurate test and we will know if he is ready to be born or not. If his lungs are, indeed, developed than my doctor will break my water - maybe even as soon as tomorrow. So, I am trying to be patient as I wait. I am tired and my back is sore, but I do have so much to be thankful for! Right now the top of my list is that two of my favorite guys are home and I am going to go spend some much needed time with them!!

Just another day in the life...

I'm writing this from my comfy warm home with two sweet little boys whom I missed like crazy while I was at the hospital for 21 hours over the weekend. And I am still very pregnant... Yes, they sent me home at 6-7 centimeters.... :) My life is crazy ya'll, it's not normal. -But that's not really new news now is it? I got a great night of rest in my own bed and I think Malachi just might have turned in the night. I can't be sure - I just know that I awoke at one point with the strangest feeling - like my bed was moving or something. :) I felt nauseous and so weird, then I noticed that my belly was moving and contorting hugely. After a while he seemed to settle in again and I got back to sleep. I'm hoping that he finally obeyed my pleas to get into the correct position... I have only had a couple of contractions today. Everything feels really calm. Even though it was a frustrating day at the hospital, I am actually glad for the delay in labor now because K is just not doing well and Dave is with him an hour away. If Malachi can hold off until we get K back to good health and have he and Dave back home with - that would be my choice. As I had stated earlier, K's shunt was checked out and all seemed well initially. Because he continued to vomit while in the ER they admitted him and kept him for observation. The hope was that he would perk up this morning and perhaps be discharged this afternoon. He has not perked up the way any one would have liked. I have talked to Dave on the phone a couple of times this morning and Dave does not sound pleased with the way his little K is acting. K is such a happy, talkative, always singing, giggling kind of a boy. Today it was hard to wake him up and he is just moaning alot and continuing to hold his head and complain that is hurts. We don't know what is going on, but we are so thankful that he is at one of the best Children's hospital's in the state. Dave and K had to share a room with four other sick kids and their families (It was a large room). Fortunately Dave said they did get some sleep. Poor Dave did not sleep much at all while I was in labor Saturday night all night - and now ended up spending the very next night at a hospital as well. I just love him so much and have prayed over and over for strength, rest and sustenance while he tends to our precious little boy! My mother in law spent the night with us last night and is right now picking up some groceries for us. She is very helpful and will be able to be here for us as long as we need. I think my parents will be traveling here from Iowa this weekend. I have several amazing friends who have also made themselves available to us whenever we need. I am very blessed! *Deep breath* God is good. Wow, what would I do without him? I'm glad I don't need to know the answer to that. In the midst of alot of unknowns and unpredictability I feel an immeasurable amount of peace. I can't lie - my frustration level rose to an unhealthy level yesterday. It would not be my choice at all to go about my life dilated almost 7 cm and not knowing when labor may kick in again. It would not be my choice to have Dave away and to have K so sick. But in the midst of all of this God is teaching me SO much. Things like trust, reliance on one so much bigger than me, and the beauty of prayer. Although I do feel peaceful and I am enjoying a very laid back day at home, I have my moments where I feel very emotional. I am just letting the tears fall as they need to. Cuddles and hugs from two little boys are given to me liberally and I could not be more grateful for them.

Er... I mean yep...or...nope.. or somthin...

*Second update* It appears that K just has a virus. His CT scan came back showing normal sized ventricles in his brain - praise the Lord! There is still some concern though because he is really not acting like himself at all, plus he has a high heart rate, blood pressure and white cell count. He is obviously not feeling well, but we are very relieved that it doesn't seem to be the shunt. As for me: still at the hospital, contractions are pretty consistent at 5 minutes now - still not accomplishing anything. I am beginning to suspect that I may end up back at home for a few days before we meet Malachi. Thank you so much for your prayers!! *UPDATED TO ADD* please pray for Dave and K as they head to a hospital about an hour and a half from the one I am at. K has been showing some signs of shunt malfunction. This could be the flu or something else, but with K, we always just get the shunt checked out no matter what. It's not easy for Dave, he feels rather torn right now. My contractions started back up - three minutes apart - but I am still stuck at 6. Trying to just trust. I know that all of this is no surprise to God and he holds it all in his hands... original post: I don't know how this will all end up - but I'm hoping with a baby and I'm hoping sooner rather than later... I started having much more intense contractions and came in to the hospital around 11:30 last night (Saturday). I was 5 cm dilated. Things progressed nicely for about 4 hours - I got to 6 (could be stretched to a 7) and then every thing stopped. Since I am only 37 weeks The doctor on call would not intervene in any way (I asked him to break my water...). None of us were real comfortable with me going home either - so here I sit. I have been here for 13 hours. I am now having alot of back labor and still stuck at a 6. It seems that the baby is in the wrong position (He is still head down, but he is facing up and pushing up against the back) therefore causing alot of contractions in my back and little to no progress. I haven't slept in ...I'm not sure how long, but a very long time. :) I am going to try to take a nap in a minute. Needless to say - this is frustrating for me. I would so appreciate your prayers. I have to decide tonight, if nothing is happening, whether I want to go home or not. They are leaving that up to me. We are about 25-30 minutes from the hospital, so we are a bit uncomfortable to have me leave the hospital dilated to almost 7 cm. At the same time, if labor is really stopped completely, hanging out at the hospital for an indefinite amount of time doesn't appeal to me. I'm so very thankful for my dear husband (Who is also very tired right now!) and wonderful friend Jasmine for their support through out the night and morning. Also for my mother in law for staying with the boys. Dave is headed home now and we are hoping I will get some much needed rest. Thanks friends. I'll update when I can.

Nope...

Just because I have gotten several inquiries lately - No, I am not in labor. :) This past week brought some pretty good contractions a couple of times, but they always died out after a couple of hours. My routine doctor appointment is always on Wednesdays. This Wednesday I found out I was 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is still very low, in a zero station, engaged, and in perfect position for birth. But as of right now, still nothing. I am 37 weeks - and considered full term at this point. Trying to be patient. Trying not to get really annoyed at the inconsistent, but sometimes quite intense contractions that steal my sleep and keep me wondering. I wouldn't mind going these final 3 weeks - I just wish every thing would stop if that is going to be the case. So, in the mean time we will make pumpkin cookies, take a bazillion pictures of fall leaves, put the finishes touches into our bedroom, go on a hayride, pick some pumpkins, have some sweet little boy cuddling, make home made pizza, set up the bassinet in our room, spend a laid back weekend together as a family and enjoy this wonderful time of year. I will most definitely let you all know when any thing changes. :)

The take and give of motherhood...

I have to be honest; sometimes these boys drain me. -Just seep all of the energy right from me. All of them - the ones running circles around me and the one doing pilates in the womb (which will eventually come in handy, because although it is not trendy any more, pilates is so the way I get back in shape after I have my babies - and apparently I will have a pilates buddy in my lil Malachi). Last night I think I took tired, weepy, and "done" to a whole new level. After a good evening of volunteering, I had to head over to the lovely Meijer for some groceries. I was okay walking in, but after walking around the store for a while, collecting all of the food necessities, and then standing in line for nearly 30 minutes I was not feeling great. By the time I got home I was feeling really sick to my stomach and the 4 hours of sleep I had gotten the night before were most certainly catching up with me. Upon my arrival home I was met with what has become my nemesis - a house that looked lived in. Yes, my crazy "nesting" instincts these past few weeks have become that bad. I have tried to suppress these obsessive impulses which tell me that I must constantly pick up any thing that falls on the floor, keep every bit of laundry clean at all times, keep all toys in the toy room, etc. These impractical impulses are not giving me a break. The silly thing is, I can't keep my house like this all the time, and generally I do not. Why do I feel I must do this now?? I suppose it has something to do with trying to compensate now for what I know will be extreme busyness/lack of sleep/adjustments soon. About once a week I get the house to a point which I deem "new baby" ready. And then - horror of all horrors - some one gets a toy on the floor, or dirties a dish by, like - eating or something!!! Hummph. So, last night I returned home to the "lived in" house and desperately just needed to sit down. This brought on an inner battle with my nesting impulse - which tired me further. Then I began to cry, which I admit was completely ridiculous. Feeling sick and exhausted, but not allowing myself to rest? - Not a good thing! I was bending over my basket ball belly to pick dirty socks off the floor and just got myself all worked up. And then a little 4 year old slipped his hand in mine. "Mommy, are you sad?" "Mommy is just tired. Mommy is sorry Jay - you didn't do any thing wrong." His face had a mixed look of worry and a little fear, so I was instantly motivated to chill out and reassure him. "I know you don't like things messy mom. I can do whatever you need. What do you need mom?" His unexpected sweetness touched me so much in that moment. Goodness - have me and this little boy had our share of clashing. Sometimes I just don't get how he thinks and I am frustrated to no end at his lack of obedience. But in this moment he looked so grown. So compassionate. So intuitive - beyond his 4 years. "Mom, I can put all of the shoes under this cabinet. See? I'll line then up all pretty, just how you do it. Where do the socks go mom?" In no time all of the dirty clothes were put into the bathroom basket and the shoes were lined up. I allowed myself to sit as I watched my special little gift for the moment and listened to his brilliant discourse. "I know you are tired mom. You get tired because baby Malachi is in your belly. Kinda like I get dizzy when I run in circles." Why of course. "But mom, baby Malachi will be out soon. See our paper chain? Remember when we made it and it dragged on the ground? There are only 4 links to the chain left now. You know what that means mom? Only 4 more weeks. Right around Halloween time mom. Then you can bend over with out that sad look on your face, huh mom?" Indeed... Then a little 2 year old silently and meticulously began to spread his treasured blankie over my body as I sat in the chair. This guy has certainly caused some mommy frustration lately as well - the "joys" of potty training, learning some obstinate independence. - I can tell we are getting closer and closer to 3. -That age which has intimidated, baffled, and aggravated this grown woman more than once. And yet in THIS moment, when it really mattered, they were both demonstrating such a sweetness. I knew that things could turn around at any time, but for the minute I took the grace for what it was. I've written about it before - this puzzlement of that which takes all my energy also being that which pours life into me. It may seem like a contradiction, but I am seeing it now as a natural cycle of this life which God has given me. Some days they will take all I have. Some days we will all walk a fine line of frustration. Some days I may wonder if they just might be taking more than I have to give. But they never will. They are my gift. The gift that stretches me and teaches me how much life is not about me. And then there are those times where they are the gift that gives me everything I thought they drained from me.

A healing walk

There were only a few of us. It was cold, in the 40s, raining, dark. Some would not make eye contact. Their loss was far too fresh and raw. Some reached out as I reached in. I had been asked to speak and I felt utterly inadequate as I stared at the small crowd huddled around the donut holes and cider. And then, like only He can do, I felt complete calm as he took what I offered and made my inadequate His adequate. It was simple and unrehearsed. It was "I know where you are at and I know you can hardly put one foot in front of the other right now" It was "I know it might even sting a little to see what is an obviously pregnant belly up here - but that is what I want to impart this morning. Hope. Joy. Fresh, new, beautiful life that will flow into yours as you go through the steps of grieving." It was a simple telling of The One who picked me up when I was at my lowest point. It was hugging tight the mother who tried to tell me about her loss 8 years ago and could barely get through the first sentence. It was the foul taste in my mouth when I talked of death, dying, loss, emptiness, finality. Some even seemed lifeless and desolate. But then it was remembering. It was hope - if only but a flicker. Bringing color into the dark. It was scattering petals into the river and closing our eyes to remember. For some it finally brought the torrent of emotions to the surface. They were able to grieve and let go of a little bit of bitterness. And oh did I know how they felt. My heart constantly said prayers for the faces in the crowd, the empty eyes, the moist eyes, the hopeful eyes. In my memories, I was each one. We were all on a wet and slippery path, walking silently. Some were on that same path within themselves. Hurting and just trying to walk the path to survive. I longed to show them the beauty and light just around the corner. And the color that would again splash across their lives. What a morning. What an opportunity. What an experience to humble me and to grow me - and even to continue to heal the loss in my own heart.

{36 weeks}

In all of my pregnancies it has been this highly spoken of goal; 36 weeks. "If we can just get you to 36 weeks it will be safe!" I heard it when I started having pre term labor issues with the twins. No one knew how imminent labor and delivery was. Soon we were saying, "If we could only get to 28 weeks..." But we didn't even make that. With my next pregnancy we had a plan of attack. Progesterone shots starting at week 16, medication around the clock starting at 19 weeks, and slowing way down in the middle of my second trimester. -All to just get me to 36 weeks. I made it to 37. The next time around we did things very similar, but with less restrictions. -Hoping for at least 36 weeks. I made it to 38. Here we are again. Even though I know that the longer I go the better, there is still significant relief in this milestone. 36 complete weeks. Things have been pretty calm - I've had a couple of nights where I could not sleep due to contractions, but so far I am still just 2-3 cm and 75-80% effaced. It's hard to express the thankfulness I feel Knowing that it is God who has sustained this pregnancy. God who has given me the best pregnancy I have ever had with no complications. God who has helped me get this close to full term. We are amazed. We are over joyed. We are nearly giddy. We know we will meet him soon and we can't stop smiling. Oh - and we slept in here last night. Technically it isn't completely done, we haven't really moved our furniture in yet, the closet needs doors still, but we wanted to camp out any way. :) Do you remember my vision? It has been surpassed. I still have decorating to do - and I was going to wait to show pictures of the room until every thing was completely done - with shelves and pictures on the wall and every thing, but I couldn't help myself. :) It is truly the peaceful oasis that we set out to create. Oh my goodness, I can not believe how amazing it is to walk into this room, shut the door, and immediately begin to feel relaxed. One of the things that means the most to me is that Dave did it all. He did this for me, he did this for us, he worked tirelessly for hours, days, weeks, yes, now I can even say months, on end. It is so special to us!