His plans are just bigger

I remember very specifically what I prayed for as we prepared for K's EEG several weeks ago. I remember exactly what I asked you all to pray for. In my human and limited thinking I asked God to give K a normal EEG for the first time. I saw so much improvement in him. I was excited at the thought of no more seizure prevention medication. I thought it so odd that year after year we brought him in to the hospital for EEG's and year after year they came back abnormal. They always show a high potential for seizures. But we have never in our lives seen K have a seizure that we have been aware of. As I reported, K did awesome during the testing time. He slept for the 20 minutes that they needed him to and then was awake during the time they wanted him awake. It was amazing! I took that as further indication that this time the test would be different. He had never cooperated like that before. We got a very brief run down of the results and they were not quite what I was hoping for. The results were given to us over the phone by the radiologist. The most information would come from the neurologist who had ordered the test and has followed K's neurological needs from the time he was 3 weeks old. We saw him yesterday. Friends, I was blown away by some things that God revealed to me at that appointment! Things like: I tend to really limit God in my requests to Him. I see such a small, and often selfish picture. God's ways and plans are so, so big. Even when our prayers aren't answered the way we specifically desire, they are being answered. God is always moving, always working, always in motion towards His best. Our appointment started conversationally. We have a wonderful Christian doctor who has traveled through many rough times with our family. We talked about K's progress, small concerns, and great goals reached. As we began to further discus K's EEG results our doctor confirmed what the radiologist had told us. The test results showed heightened erratic brain activity. Epileptic patterns. Inconsistencies. Not only are we not able to take K off the medication, but the dose has been increased. The doctor asked when the last time was that we observed K having a seizure. Our answer was the same that it has been for 6 years: We have never seen a seizure. At that point I just had to ask the questions that have been turning over in my mind for a long time now. Is this normal? Why are these tests continually coming back with the kind of results that basically say, "this kid is having seizures", and he's just not? Does this happen to other kids? Has he seen this kind of thing before? As I voiced my confusion the doctor looked up from K's 3 inch thick chart, which he had been thumbing through, and his eyes met mine. "Ma'am, let me be honest with you. In children who have EEG reports that look like this we are seeing breakthrough seizures obviously and often. The only explanation I can come up with is that you are blessed. You are a blessed family. He is a blessed boy." I could barely breathe past the lump in my throat. Indeed - Blessed. It was then that it hit me; what I had been asking for and what God was doing. I'm sure I still only see the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I had asked God to take it away. He seemed to be saying - "But what would that do? Wait. Trust. Look to me. It's going to be better. Oh, it's going to be so much bigger! This will bring me more glory! This will further your testimony, pointing others to me. It's okay, I know you can't understand it all. Trust." And here I sit. Humbled. Once again, amazed. Praising the one who continues to show me that he is in complete control of my child's life, health, and future, and not I. Thank you Lord!

Everything he is to us

Dear Jay, Four years ago today you came into our life at full force. You let the world know you were HERE and you were going to be noticed.

So much has changed, so much has stayed the same. Your will is made of steel. You live life out loud. You are not afraid to speak up. Being mommy to little boys is a blast. It is a high energy job, but wow is it fun! You, my love, are ALL boy. I love how getting dirty inspires you. I love how any thing you can hold in your hand instantly becomes an airplane. I love how you want to know how everything is made. "Mom, how do they make crayons?" followed by "Mom how do they make windows?" was easy peasy. When you began asking about computer hard drives and babies I stumbled a bit.

Oh, and your dance moves - to die for. I could learn a thing or two from you. No inhibitions with you Jay. None at all!

It is just amazing to see your desire to learn. You won't take lazy answers or brush offs. You want to know. And I want to feed that. I want to do better at exploring things out with you, so that you will always hold on to that desire to learn any thing and every thing that you want to. Your excitement adds so much excitement to my life. I love it when you are looking forward to something. It adds an air of exhilarated anticipation to the entire house. Your daddy and I often comment on how fun you are. Planning trips to the zoo, bike rides, fair visits, sledding fun, swimming, or even just going out to eat has all taken on new and accentuated enjoyment with you around. You have turned us back into giddy little kids hardly being able to wait until the fun of each new adventure Your giggle makes my heart do that little butterfly flippy thingy. I love it! Especially when it is preceded by that "look". I'm told it is genetic. It's an "I'm not going to smile, you can't make me" wavering frown. The way you love your daddy warms my heart all the way to my toes. He is your hero. When he asks you to accompany him outside to "do some guy work" your world is just right. "Mom, we have a big important job to do, I'll see ya later!" You know how to push my buttons. I am just beginning to learn to be more steadfast and consistent in not letting you get away with it. So much of our struggles have to do with me just learning on you buddy. I've never had a child like you - so you are going to have to be patient with me okay? I look at you and I contemplate the position that you are in, which could cause some of your stubborn out bursts. You are in the middle. You are trying to hold your own between K, who needs alot more attention that most, and Noe, the compliant baby. I want to be more aware of what you feel and what you need. I know that you have been in your brothers shadows at times. My little boy, breaking out of dependence and into this new world of trying, feeling, doing, reaching. In some ways you seem older than 4 already. Just this week I have observed a new grown manner about you. And Jay, I am so proud of you. In front of my eyes I am seeing you trying. It is hard for you to obey. It is hard when you don't get what you want. You act out in those situations and get negative attention. That escalates it all the more. I used to get so frustrated when you would just throw fits and scream. I am watching this maturation process that I am privileged to be a part of. You are learning. You are holding back, even when it takes all you have. Your daddy and I are often amazed at all you can do. Your brother K is such a special light in our lives. Exepriencing him at your age was so different, and you are showing us things we have never seen. I am eager to see all that God has for you! I am encouraged to think that the very same strong will that makes me want to pull out my hair (then I would look like daddy, huh?) is a will that will serve you well in times that you will need to be committed and dedicated to choices you have made. Not a day goes by that we don't go toe to toe on something. You are testing. You are smart. You are figuring out your limits. You are trying your mommy. Not a day goes by that my heart does not over flow with love for YOU. Something about our relationship is special beyond words. Because when you settle and smile and say "I love you" I truly get choked up. It's not something you often do. They aren't words you just throw around. When your brothers say those words I always feel immeasurable joy. But with you, it is something I take and put in a special part of my heart, to think about and draw strength from when we have a particularly difficult day. I love you so much. You may never know how much you have helped me to grow. I needed you buddy. God knew you were exactly what I needed those four years ago. Happy birthday! I'm just holding on for dear life to see what this next year brings, my son. :)

PS- Happy Birthday Rachel! Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. This day is special for so many reasons!

Oh baby - you were worth it!

In two days my feisty little Jay will be 4. Amazing. For those of you who read about my birth experience with Noe, and perhaps didn't like me very much after reading it based on the ease of his coming into the world, I just want you to know this story is going to be nothing like that one. When I found out I was pregnant with Jay I was ecstatic. Ever since the early birth of J.D. and K I had dreamed of a normal pregnancy and 'take home' baby. I watched friends go through what I thought were the perfect pregnancies and then bring their babies right home with them. It seemed too good to be true! All I had previously known was a troubled pregnancy, bed rest, early labor and delivery, medically fragile babies, and then 96 days of going home with out my baby and traveling an hour every day to spend time with him. I couldn't do much with K with out clearing it first with the nurses. I didn't feel like a new mom with K. K was 18 months old when we found out Jay was on the way. So many emotions were experienced for Dave and I during my pregnancy. Some moments were so scary. Like when I started having contractions at 14 weeks. Or when I got the flu at Christmas time, got severely dehydrated, and was hospitalized. That hospitalization took place when I was right around that scary 25 weeks. Scary because that is when I delivered J.D. and K. Trusting God was a daily intentional exercise for me at that time. I was given progesterone shots from week 16 through 36 to try to help me stay pregnant. They seemed to be effective. It was a pain in the rear - literally, but very worth it. At 36 weeks I went into labor. My contractions were not too painful or consistent, but I knew something was going on. We excitedly called Dave's mom over to watch K and headed out to the hospital with our suitcases. I was in the hospital over night and through out that time dilated to 6 cm. Then every thing stopped. Completely. This part still really surprises me - they sent me home. We were pretty sure we'd be back in a few hours. I was going to try to walk and get things started again. Here's the most surprising part of all: I did not go back to the hospital for another week! Yep, I lived life as normal, cleaning the house, caring for K, pretty much going out of my mind, dilated to six centimeters. It makes for good blogging fodder any way. Sorry if those little details tend to gross you out. No one is forcing you to read this. :) Finally, one week later, my contractions seemed to be picking up again. I was done with this off and on nonsense, never knowing if the pain I was feeling was going to be 'it' or not. I told Dave we were going to the hospital and I was having this baby! Upon arriving at the hospital, around noon, I was checked and found to be 7 cm. -apparently the point of not being turned away, thank you Jesus! The doctor on call broke my water and the next couple of hours went by uneventfully. My friend Cheri, who was my labor coach, arrived. I was SO excited that the main event was finally at hand. I had no idea what contractions felt like. With J.D and K I never felt my contractions. As I relaxed in the beginning stages of labor with Jay (strange to think beginning stages was 7 cm - but I'm just unique like that) I remember thinking "Wow, this isn't bad at all. I'm probably just one of those lucky women who have easy births!" Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, those are the kind of thoughts that come before a FALL. Around 4:00 pm something happened. I felt my first real and intense contraction. Oh ladies, don't judge me, but I thought I was going to die. Right then and there. Up till this point I was going to have the "wait and see" policy on pain meds. Well I had waited and I saw. No no no no no no! I was not going to do any more waiting! I called for anesthesia. About 20 minutes later I felt the most beautiful relief I have ever felt in my entire life. The epidural. I started to smile again. I was completely dilated by 5:oo. I began pushing. We all soon realized that I did not know what I was doing. My previous birth experience was so different and had not prepared me for this. I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed. Nothing happened. I was SO discouraged. I thought it would take 20 minutes or so. I was wrong. At around 5:30 the pump administering my lovely miracle drug stopped working. They didn't fix it. They said I was doing fine and would soon be done. I was angry. It wasn't pretty. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed. I was very light headed from the pain and the physical strain on my body. My face was swollen to about double its normal size (thus indicating where I was going wrong with the whole pushing thing. The swelling was from bearing down so much. Babies don't come out of faces). There were broken blood vessele in my face and neck. My vision began to blur. I was exhausted. I didn't think he would ever come out. I was so discouraged and thought I was a huge failure. I began to cry. And right beside me Dave and Cheri were there. Holding my hands. Telling me I was doing a marvelous job. Even though it wasn't true, I needed so desperately to hang on to something. They were wonderful! Amazing encouragers. I thought my doctor would suggest a c-section after an hour went by. She didn't. She took a break and told me to carry on. I cried some more. I thought every one was insane after two hours went by. I kept asking "Am I doing any thing? Is he any closer?!" They assured me things were progressing. I knew I never wanted to do any thing like this every again in my entire life. Two and a half hours after I started pushing Baby Jay made his entrance into the world. He was red and screaming. This had not been a picnic for him either I suppose. I saw him being placed in my arms, all helpless and needy. I couldn't believe he was mine. I thought he looked huge! He was 7 lbs 3 oz. K was 5 months old before he weighed that much. I remember saying "Wow, baby that really hurt mommy!" Even those first few hours were not the picturesque bonding that I had hoped for. My body was in so much pain. My vision was messed up for about 12 hours, so I couldn't even see Jay very well. I was too tired to do just about any thing, but couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep. But he was here. And he was healthy. And in the months (and years) to come he would rock my world. With love, with frustration, with reality, with challenges that I would need to face to continue on my path to maturity. Jay came out screaming and didn't really stop for about 8 weeks. They call it colic. I call it torture. Nothing I could do would soothe him. I tried changing what I ate, since I was nursing. It didn't help. I tried a swing, a bouncer, a front carrier. Nothing worked. He was either nursing, sleeping (rarely) or screaming. I had fantasized about the "perfect" pregnancy and perfect new mom experience. When reality hit I entered a darker time period than most people ever knew about. I wouldn't even admit it to myself, but looking back I am pretty convinced that I experienced a degree of post partum depression. It was hard. The hardest part was that I felt like I had to keep up this "Oh, every thing is great!" exterior. While inside I struggled greatly. It's harder than I thought to be honest about this, because I want to tell you about how much I fell in love with my beautiful healthy baby and how over joyed I was. Our falling in love process was different though. It was an ebb and flow of time and growing and learning. And it was truly and utterly beautiful. Beautiful in that it was real. It was full of self discovery and learning how to be selfless while still caring for ones self. Beautiful in that God gave me a child who has brought more giggling and growing into my life than I could've imagined! Tears are in my eyes as I think about everything that Jay is to me. I will share more about the amazing boy our Jay is becoming on Thursday. For now I just want to close with a special verse. "Every good gift and every perfect gift comes from above and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." James 1:17 What a gift Jay's life was, and continues to be, to us. The beginning of his life did not match up with my 'perfect', but he was God's perfect gift to us.

organization frustration

I like clean. I love organized. When I am in homes that have alot of organizational tools and storage I admit I get a massive case tinge of jealousy. I've shared before that our home has very little storage. Like two small closets in the entire house little. This is how ridiculously giddy I get over small things when it comes to organization. Last week we were at Target (the store just rocks - plain and simple) and I saw an over the door shoe organizer. I knew these things existed, but it never really clicked in my brain what an amazing thing it was. I grabbed it and threw it in the cart while trying to steady my accelerating heart beat. Dave looked at me with that one eyebrow up "You okay?" look. I pointed to the item causing the organization excitement and whispered "look!". He nodded slowly with one eye still on me, just to make sure I was, indeed, okay. When we got home I didn't even have my coat off before I was positioning the lovely new home organizing product in to one of the two closets. 20 pair of shoe fit into it! Our kitchen immediately looked more organized and roomy as I pulled all of our shoes out from under and around my pantry. I seriously had to laugh at my self that night. I was really happy. All night. Over a shoe organizer. So, as you can see, being organized is a peace and happiness inducing state for me. Unfortunately I am not great at achieving it. Although part of it is our lack of storage, and shortage of fundage to attain more storage, I must admit that I lack that organizing, and keeping things organized, gene (cause I've got to blame it on something y'all. :) I have written often about my desire to have my priorities right. How I really want spending time with the kids, spending time cultivating relationships, having quiet time, pursuing ministry and developing strengths to be more important than cleaning. As I try to put important things first, and not spend all of my time worrying about the state of my home, I am sinking into the depths of despair frustrated as I seem to be getting more and more behind on keeping things neat and tidy here. I don't want the cleanliness of my home to drive me and over take my life, but at the same time, this is our wonderful little spot to relax, make memories, be ourselves, love each other, and enjoy time with friends. I want to make it an oasis for us. I want it to be decorated in a pleasing way and organized in a way that makes it easy for us to find things when we need them. My days are rough when the house is a disaster. I find myself continually telling the boys "later", or "you are going to have to wait till mommy has this clean" when their requests for reading stories or playing games repeatedly come. That doesn't meet my parenting standards. But the honest to goodness truth is - these things HAVE to get done. No one else is gong to do it and if I put it off yet another day it will multiply. You know what I am talking about - that strange phenomenon of one days worth of dirty laundry turning into 5 days of dirty laundry over night when you don't tend to it. A couple of weeks ago I began trying a daily cleaning schedule. I did a small task each day and at the end of the week the entire house was clean and looking pretty good. Than we had a really busy week. I got so behind that I kind of lost my momentum. I tried getting up earlier, because when the boys are up things are pretty constant, and I want to be able to focus on them. I was getting up with Dave at 5:15 every morning and was amazingly productive! But then I had several late nights in a row and sleep became more of a need. I'm sadly wondering if blogging is going to have to be replaced with cleaning. I am not great at discipline and balance. To spend more time with the kids, but still get things done that need to - will something else have to be taken out of my day? So friends, a little help?? What works for you? How do you get those priorities where they should be? Any words of wisdom on keeping toys, papers, etc organized and looking neat in a small space with little to no storage?

A neat opportunity!

I have been following the adoption journey of a sweet couple; Josh and Rachel. I think that Rachel left a comment on my blog a few months ago and that is how I found her blog. I don't personally know Rachel and Josh, but the way she writes about each step in the adoption process as well as the emotions they have gone through truly makes one feel like Rach is a close friend. Yep - I called her Rach. 'Cause we're buds like that. I think she very likely calls me Wen. ;) Any way, Rachel came up with a really great way to help them raise the funds they need to help out with all of the costs this adoption is going to incur. You can chip in to help them out and will be entered in to a fantastic drawing. You are going to have to go check it out - but believe me, it is good! I love the community among people who blog and share their lives. I think it is awesome how word can spread and if a whole bunch of people give a little bit it adds up to an incredible amount! Click on the image above to be directed to her blog. Rachel and Josh are already wonderful parents. The love they have for the baby, who will soon be placed in their arms, shines through every post she writes. This child is going to be loved beyond measure and brought up in a way that glorifies the one who knew in the very beginning that this couple and this baby would be a family.

Shrimp, friends, and scarves

There is so much to love about the annual Red Lobster tradition that my friend Rachel and I have. I don't love it for the shallow reason that the food is a.maz.ing! I love shrimp and very rarely eat it, so I did thoroughly enjoy. Oh and those chedar garlic biscuits... :) Serious yum. But of course that isn't the only reason that I love it.

It wasn't just that we showed up wearing the exact same shirt - just in different colors , hers royal blue, and mine turquoise green. It certainly wasn't simply the fact that we had time for girl talk, silly talk, serious talk, talk, with out the kids. Nor could I base my love of this tradition solely on the shopping that we do together after dinner where we both almost immediately head to the back of each store we go in, because that is where the clearance racks are and that is how we shop. It was all of the above and more. It was praying before our meal and having the bond of sisters in Christ. It was going months caught up in a busy life and not spending alot of time together, but then picking up right where we left off. It just means so much to me to have friends who get me. Who have stood the test of time, through some really bad times, and some amazing times. It was a great day! Oh, and don't forget about Rachel's bloggy carnival "The year of the scarf" We looked at lots of scarves yesterday, because they are every where - even on displays with tank tops and bikinis. She has some fun ideas cooking up for the scarf carnival - so get involved! :)

My linking isn't working right now, so just click on the scarf button on the left side bar to go to Rachel's blog or to get more info on the scarf blog carnival.

Take a guess where we are in this pictcture.

Not me Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week. It's like therapy - it's brutal honestly in a form we can handle - denial. *wink* I most certainly did not accidentally flush a pair of Jay's messy underwear down the toilet as I was trying to rinse them - and after a moment of panic I did not feel sheer relief. Because that probably wouldn't be good for the toilet. So I don't know who would do such a thing. And it wasn't me who allowed three little munchkins to take two baths in one day, for the simple reason that it keeps them blissfully occupied for an amount of time that no other activity can. I am shy and quiet around people I don't know, so I couldn't have asked a complete stranger permission to photograph some of the beautiful decorating elements in her home that I had accompanied a friend into. If I ever did any thing like that I would probably get a "crazy lady reputation". Oh wait... Oh, and you thought that was ME in the beat up grey truck full of wood that kept stalling out at the stop signs. Ha ha... I don't have any issues with letting up too quickly on the clutch. And I definitely don't loose my focus when there are vehicles behind me. I couldn't forget every thing I know about a manual transmission when I'm under pressure. I'm 28 years old for goodness sakes. Wasn't me who let the 2 year old run around in nothing but what the good Lord gave him only to later find him resting happily on our comfy chair... in a nice warm wet spot. If that had happened I wouldn't be sharing it on my blog for all potential visitors to read. Because then they might change their minds about coming over - or at least avoid the comfy chair at all costs. I could tell them about the scotch guard on all of our furniture and how easily it cleans up - had that actually happened. Why would I laugh hysterically while Dave photographed our innocent unsuspecting child who had a particular finger sticking out? I wouldn't do that. I would stop him instead of laughing with him. And I never get a giddy high from 50% off of already Clearance priced clothes and shoes. Would my heart beat faster for a pair of cream and brown shoes with peep toes and three inch heels for $4? That would be a little geeky. Can a receipt that says "$80 saved" while I only paid $37 make me breathless and giggly for the rest of the day? Ha! That would be silliness. Wasn't me who got teary when Jay and Dave presented me with a plushy soft towel wrap for my birthday and Jay declared "Mom, we got this for you because it is soft - and mom you are so soft!" Only a sentimental sap would let such things get to them. So what have you not been up to lately?

The puzzle pieces of love in my life

Today thoughts turn to romance; all of that sweet sentimental stuff. I laughed this morning as I remembered life before kids. Sleeping in past 7 am. Cuddling in the mornings - with just Dave in bed with me instead of the additional three little monkeys. Romantic dates out on the town. Less multitasking. Aloneness and quietness... These thoughts came to me shortly after 7am as Dave and I lay in bed talking quietly about the day ahead; plans of gathering wood, helping a neighbor, shopping for pants for these growing boys, tucking them in early so that we can meet for a date. On the couch. With a movie and buttery popcorn. We'll probably hold hands. And likely get up a few times to help when we hear "Mom, I hafta go potty" or "Dad I need water!". Suddenly our plan making is interupted by a little voice saying "Dad, you are on mom's side of the bed. That's mom's side! You need to get over on your own side." Little legs struggle to find a step as arms reach and pull up onto the bed. Jay Cuddles in between us. And I wouldn't change one little bit of it. Oh sure, perhaps more sleep would be nice. Maybe more time for the two of us. But the quiet has been replaced by giggles and lovin'. The faster pace is a mixture of learning, kisses, laughing, and the general chaos of {family}. A beautiful word. We are all here. Where we are supposed to be

Wrapped in each others love.

My heart is so full. And it aches for those who have lost a piece of this treasured puzzle. And tomorrow my arms will reach out to one who has. And I will squeeze them all just a little closer.

♥ Happy Valentine's Day to my precious boys ♥

The one where the blog is hijacked by a janitor and a lady sheds tears on her birthday

Hello blog world. It is me, the Janitor. I’m writing today because today is Wendi’s birthday. I have the wonderful privilege of being Wendi’s husband. I am so thankful that she was born. She has brought such happiness to my life. I am so grateful for Wendi’s desire to love me and serve our family in so many ways. She is a hard worker who has given and given for her family. Wendi has been such a good example, to me, of a person who is seeking the Lords will in her life. I could tell you of times when she fails, but those failures are not what define who Wendi is. What defines her is that when she fails she continues to go on and strive for Gods best. I am so proud to have such a wonderful woman to call my wife. Wendi, Happy Birthday. I look forward to spending the afternoon on a date with my hot wife. I love you baby. Dave

I wish there was another word for random - which still held all of the definitions that random does - that I could use. Random is too over used -

Some times I fantasize that I am by the ocean. Basking in the hot sun. And the quiet. The lovely quiet. I dream that there are not a bazillion demands on me all at once. In my day dream there are not truck loads of snot being distributed through out the house. No stubborn fevers. Certainly no miserable boys who are just well enough to get ornery, but still sick enough to be even more ornery. If they would be there, they would definitely be blowing their own noses. They would not be saying "mom, I need you to wipe my nose!" every 5 seconds - even though the tissues have been put on their level so they can take care of things themselves. Yes, I am having a lazy day. I am not feeling particularly servant minded today. And I guess if my relaxing little scenario were to come true I would also be missing out on a thing or two. Like the note I came home to last night, after every one was in bed, that said "Jay wants a kiss". And the sweet half asleep boyish smile that I was met with when I complied with said note. The "cuddle mommy, cuddle. No feel good mommy!" From Noe this morning and the 20 minutes of heartwarming closeness that followed. I guess in the end, I would not choose the lazy life. Still, a little less snot would be appreciated at this point. Onto non snot related content - If Dave and I are still healthy tomorrow we are going to hang out all afternoon to celebrate my birthday. There is no other way I would rather celebrate than hanging out with him. Being silly, getting some time to talk in the midst of our busy lives, - just togetherness. We are going bowling - which is what we did on our first date. :) Good times. We are going to the mall and out to dinner too. He has also been asked to do a guest post tomorrow - we'll see if that works out. :) I'm really excited about starting my photo blog tomorrow - where I will be posting a picture to represent the treasure in each (er... most ) day of my 29th year. I've had the blog design up and every thing ready to go - just waiting for my 28th birthday for a starting point to begin the photo documentation of this next year. I'm so excited about starting another year! I wonder what all is ahead for us this year, what new things I will learn, and how God will use me. Some quick bloggy business and great appreciation as I close - The comments that have been left on the last few posts I have written have meant the world to me. I have felt so much encouragement and support pouring from all of you! Do you have any idea how important that is to me? Thank you! Also, you sure know how to make a girl feel good about a haircut! In the last couple of months I have received some sweet and meaningful recognition in the form of blog awards. Thank you. It truly has meant alot to me. Really. I know that it may not have seemed so since I have not acknowledged these awards on my blog. A couple of reasons. First - if I do not immediately act on the award given right when I see it, I will likely absolutely forget. And then, at a later date, I will try to acknowledge it and won't be able to find the post where it was originally given. Hypothetically. Second - I sometimes have a hard time coming up with a tactful way to post these awards. I sometimes feel like it comes across like "oh, look at me, people like me and I am now broadcasting it." Just seems a bit selfish. If you have passed an award on to me recently please know that you have touched me in a very special way by your affirmation. My love language is words of affirmation and it truly speaks volumes to me when you acknowledge, with your words, some thing that you have enjoyed from my writing. Oh - and a couple of more things. I'm really excited about making my mom's home made granola recipe that I haven't had in years and years. I will be posting the recipe to my recipe blog soon. And I am going to be driving Dave's (manual transmission) truck on my birthday date. Because I want to push myself to do stuff I don't necessarily want to do. Makes lots of sense huh?

This is my 195th post. Crazy isn't it? On March 6th I will have been blogging for a whole year.

Well wasn't this all rather haphazard.

Unsystematic even.

Kind of lacking regularity or a pattern.

Who am I kidding. Random is just such a darn great term...

Oh - I almost forgot. My dear friend Rachel is hosting a blog carnival. It's about scarves, and I have been a little scarf obsessed lately. Click on this button to find out more. If you haven't been to my Rachel friend's blog yet, you should. You'll love her!

Speaking of Rachel, her birthday is also in February and I'm sure one or both of us will be blogging about our annual Red Lobster birthday dinner. And I'm sure you will all be on the edge of your seats till we do! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

What would I say to that unsuspecting girl?

This week brings one of my favorite days; my birthday. On Wednesday I will be 28. It may seem a little bit elementary of me but my birthday still brings giddy excited feelings. When I was growing up we always made a big deal over our birthdays. To this day I still look forward to the fun milestone which marks the date of my entrance into this world. As I was contemplating growing older, and all that has occurred in the past few years, I decided to delve into the creative writing exercise that I have seen on several blogs lately. I know that we can't go back in time. We can't stop ourselves form making mistakes, or talk our past selves into making different choices. But by going through this thought process we can most certainly shape our future in a more positive way. The thoughts that this post led me to were so helpful in my perspectives. I really did it for me. Feel free to read it, but know that this post, more than any other one that I have written, was for my growth. Letter to my 20 year old self – covering February 2001 through the present

So, you are going to be getting married in a month. You are over the moon excited – and well you should be. Fine catch you got. He will continue to be as caring and romantic as he is this very day. You were right about that. He is however, NOT perfect. Oops – yeah, that assertion is going to get you in a heap of trouble dear little one.

Go easy on that new husband of yours. He thinks he knows you, but he is in for a lot of surprises. Let him learn you. Let him love you. Yes, he will make mistakes, but if you could just choose to open yourself up to him completely and be vulnerable with him you would be saving the both of you a lot of time and energy on trying to figure that one out years later. He is a good, good man. Remember that. Girl, your life has changed a lot in the past year. Going from a single 19 year old who was not even dating, to an almost married 20 year old, preparing to leave the state, your friends, and family behind, learning new things every day – it’s a lot to take in huh? So, ummm, I kinda hate to tell you this, but hang on. TIGHT. It’s about to get a whole lot crazier. You are going to want to get pregnant right away. Really bad. Learn patience. The eighteen months it takes you to conceive are going to be amazing and wonderful. Do not let that time pass in a “just getting by till I can have a baby” mode. Do not do that. Besides how fun is this??! You will think some thing is wrong with you when you don’t get pregnant right away. It’s not. God is preparing some thing really big for you when you become a mother. You aren’t ready. Don’t push, because you wouldn’t want to go where he is planning to take you yet. It’s big. It’s scary. It’s going to take every thing you have to get through it. You will become a mother. In the middle of your vacation in the smoky mountains you will have a giddy meltdown over seeing two pink lines on a small piece of plastic. And yes, it will be true. Each of the other tests you take will confirm that. You may as well not waste the money on those. The next few years will have moments that feel like life is tearing your heart out, chewing you up, and spitting you out. It will test your faith in new and unusual ways. You are going to question every thing you have thought to be true. Write this on a big piece of paper and stick it some where that you will see always (maybe the fridge, cause y’know we love to snack) “God is good – all the time”. When you go in to labor too early – way too early- and the questions begin to rumble around in your head, stop dwelling on what you don’t know. Let the statement that God is good, written in your handwriting, wash over you, speak to you, and infuse the truth upon your heart. When your twin boys are born do not resist the all consuming love that immediately overwhelms you with its intensity because you are afraid. Submit to it. Avoiding it is incredibly futile anyway. Don’t waste your emotions on that silly endeavor. They are going to be adorable. Just as you dreamed. Hold your first born as much as you can. Remember you are his mother. Advocate for your right to hold your son. Breathe him in. Memorize every detail. He’s not going to stay. You need to know that eventually you will be able to breathe with out that gaspy heavy feeling. You will laugh again. You won’t believe this in the midst of your season of unbearable grief, but some day you will enjoy life with more enthusiasm than ever before. I know that seems impossible. I know. You can do the NICU thing, don’t think you can’t. You are going to make it. So is K. Trust God more. Worry less. K is going to amaze every one who has ever laid eyes on him. Some day he is going to watch Baby Einstein DVD’s in French. He’s going to throw fits and talk your ear off. Yes, he’s going to be okay. More than okay. Do not let that constant fear of losing him control you. Let people help you. Stop with the “I’m fine, I can do this” facade. Most people can see right through it any way. You are going to need help. Sometimes it is going to seem rather strange as you observe other people your age, single and in college, seeming to have such a carefree lifestyle as you deal with situations that require you to grow up quickly. It’s okay. Your choices will not disappoint you. More importantly, God's choices for you are always for your best. Don’t make the mistake in thinking that if you only had a healthy pregnancy and full term baby it would be a nearly ideal experience. Life doesn’t roll that way girl. Jay is going to come into your life screaming. If infants could use profanity, he would be all over that. Two months of colic are going to make you feel like you are losing your mind. You kinda do, but it’s okay. You are kind of funny when you lose your mind. And some day you might not even remember what it was like to know where your mind was. It’s all good. The days of colic don’t last forever. Gear up for it though, cause it’s going to seem like it. Hold him; nurse him when he wants it. A schedule just aint happenin with this one. Don’t force it. Wear ear plugs. The stigma surrounding “getting counseling” – ignore it. A Christian counselor is a good thing. If you need Biblical back up for that you can find it in Proverbs. Noe B is going to make you melt, just melt. The way you love him, cuddle him, and let house work go undone to just stare at him – all a good thing! Don’t second guess it. You are finally getting those priorities a little bit better lined up by the time he comes along. Loss isn’t going to be a stranger to you. You will go there again. Please be patient with the process. God is using you. It seems trite, but each loss you face is going to be another important building block to your usability. And that’s what you want more than anything. You do, okay? David seems very confident. You’ll think he doesn’t need a whole lot of reassurance. He does. Build him up in every way you can. You think that he doesn’t need you as much as you need him. That’s just not true. You each have unique and very different needs, but don’t let that deceive you into thinking that he doesn’t need you. As you near the end of your 20s, you are still going to have a lot of questions and insecurities. Stop trying to rush things. Just look to Jesus for your strength each day. You will still shudder at the term ‘process’, but it’s just a fact of life that you are going to have to accept. Life is a process. Watch out for deer, take writing seriously, and open your heart up in a big way. It’s not going to be an easy road, but Miss Wendi at age 20 – it is going to be astounding! Miraculous even.

{Family}

Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.

~Anthony Brandt

Here they are - the people who helped create some of my favorite memories. The people who have loved me through some tough stuff. The people who bring a smile to my face every day. The people who I love so, so deeply.

These portraits were taken this past August. I adore them. I have large prints of them matted and framed on my wall. The picture above is my entire family ~ my parents, four siblings, sister in law, brother in law, 4 nephews, 2 nieces, and us. I'm the baby of the family (Dave, the boys, and I are right in the front).

I can not say enough about the amazing photographer who did this. Nineteen people were in that first shot. Lots of kids. Some of them (especially a certain little 20 month old) were not all that cooperative. And he still managed to capture these amazing photos!

Many thanks to Denver Photography in Denver Iowa.

Pictures copyrighted by Denver pgotography. Do not use or reproduce.

The freedom to be imperfect

I'm not sure when it started because it's been a part of me for as long as I can remember. It has paralyzed me, rendered me ineffective, and robbed me of exciting experiences and relationships. It is the fear of trying something new. The unknown. What if I fail? Worse yet, what if I fail and some one observes this failure? What will they think? What kind of a reputation will I have? What if people find out that *gasp* I'm imperfect? I know, I know - that is where it got laughable. There should be no fear in something that is already obvious! :) We are all imperfect, and any one who has spent any amount of time with me knows that I can most definitely be included in that statement. Why is it so scary to be normal? Imperfect. I don't know all of the reasons, but I know that pride is at the root of so much of that fear. I have experienced alot of promptings in the past couple of years to leave some security blankets of comfort behind. To reach into the unknown and hold tightly to the hand of one who has promised to never let me go. Status: It is still a frequent struggle to have the faith needed to lay aside security, control, comfort, and the desire to have every one like me (stop laughing! - some of us take an unreasonable amount of time to learn things others get in elementary school)... and delve into the unfamiliar. I might fall on my face. I might realize I need to learn some stuff before I continue. I might encounter some people who just plain don't like me. Some one might see me with out make up. And that's okay. This is a very foreign train of thought for me. I am as insecure as the winter is long. But can I just tell you how amazing it is to allow God to urge me onto paths that show me how big He is and how capable I am through Him? This year I am going to:

Finally become comfortable driving a stick shift vehicle, and allow Dave to help with that Speak my mind when feeling the conviction of prompting, and not apologize for it Give myself more completely to the women I counsel at the crisis pregnancy center. Speak God's truth into their lives at all costs Work with teenagers at church Admit to my weaknesses and seek help where I need it Sew a dress Start writing a book Go deeper into God's Word Learn to play some sports (seriously, I so rarely have played any kind of sports that I'm pathetically freaked when I'm asked to join a game) Pursue some vocal training Sing alot Dance like crazy Be more consistent in my parenting Hug people often Eat sushi

Raise my hands during worship (oh yeah, my Baptist friends, you heard me - raise my hands!) Take all three boys out more (I can handle it, I can handle it...)

Have people over more

Give more

Read some classics

Be an encouraging cheer leader in Dave's journey through imperfection

Take some photagraphy classes

Spend time at a homeless shelter

Learn more about politics

Call people when they come to my mind

Let myself fail... and even look stupid

And so much more...so, so much more.

Spring just seems a little bit more tangible today

This is me realizing that I can not change the bone chilling cold which is causing us to be house bound. I can not change the snow mountains that are closing in on us and the snow that continues to fall. I can not change the fact that this winter seems to be lasting several years. But there are some things that I can change.

I started with my hair.

Before

After

Let me just say - I am feeling so much lighter today friends! I love it. :)

I'm diggin the goatee too

I sometimes wonder how I can take him for granted so often. How I can dare to put my needs above his. He has loved me in a way that has amazed and delighted me in good times as well as those times that, if possible, I would've erased from our memories forever. This past week brought many power struggles between me and a certain almost 4 year old. I allowed it to wear me down. To the point where I did not consider the needs of the man I vowed to put before any thing and any body. I faced exhaustion on many different levels and he felt the brunt of it. The promptings were subtle, but they were there. Go to bed a little bit earlier, so that you get the rest you need to take care of your family tomorrow. Reevaluate your priorities so that when he gets home from work you can focus on him. Let go of some of those 'super important' things to seek after things that will show him how much he means to you. The right things to do are sometimes as easy to brush off as crumbs that are left on the table. How easy it was to pretend I had not even noticed them. In my life the line between tired and lazy often gets blurred. The former slides into the latter in an understated manner. The selfish nature, that demands daily combat, accentuates my needs. Then selfish justification meets competitive validation. "I did so much today, I deserve..." fill in the blank. In his silent steadfast character, he persists in loving me in a way that continually brings me back to the truth. Marriage is a beautiful way to be frequently reminded of God's purposes for us. Love Submission Putting others first Although I am ashamed for the times that I have not followed through with the best choices, I refuse to allow the remorse to render me ineffective - as so often happens. No, I have a big smile on my face as I type because I am looking forward to a life time of loving him better. A life time. Who couldn't smile about that? This man wakes up at 5:15am every morning to go to work (except for the days he goes in to work early) so that he can provide for us. So that I can stay home with our boys. He has a certain silent calm that is so reassuring. His work ethic has brought great respect from those around him. I noticed the way he lovingly cared for us as the stomach flu assaulted us in domino effect fashion last week. In looking back I can see the tired look in his eyes turning to a sweet sparkle as his boys met him at the door with squeals of delight. How I admire the way he puts his all into taking care of us. I consider the way he immediately offered to take the boys to awana and do our grocery shopping Wednesday night after I came down with a formidable headache. Even though the original plan was for me to do the taxi-ing and errand running so that he could go to bed early. I smile as I think of the way he is excitedly planning our little anniversary trip for next month. Even right at this moment I am watching him pull his focus away from the super bowl to read a book to Jay. It is a bit hurried and the big game quickly gets his focus again, but the love he has for his family always seems to shine through. I am so blessed to be able to call him mine. Excuse me while I curl up next to one of my favorite people to watch a football game. *smile*